by Cari Quinn
“Don’t want to join them? It’s a popular spot.”
“Up against a wall in an alley? Next to smelly trash cans? No, thank you. We have a perfectly good bed at home.”
They’d used it that night too. With the toys they’d bought and restraints. He’d been more focused on her that night than any night since. Until Sawyer had joined them.
Could that be it? He enjoyed watching and being watched? Maybe even more than participating, since he’d had the chance with her and Sawyer and he’d declined.
Rubbing the back of her neck, she went to the small desk where Aidan kept their financial records. It only took a couple of minutes to find the debit card receipts for the past few months. Umpteen visits to Sex Emporium, listed as only “Adult Services.” And oddly enough, starting two months earlier, ATM visits that paralleled his trips to the shop, always twenty dollars. Always withdrawn the same day, from the same location near the store.
She swallowed at the sound of the front door closing and started to put away the receipts. Though both their names were on the debit card, this felt like spying. But as his footsteps neared the top of the stairs, she stilled her hand.
No. She couldn’t pretend any longer. It wasn’t fair to either of them. If he had something he needed to tell her, he couldn’t like living this way any more than she did. The only difference was he knew something was wrong, and she’d been riding the denial express for months.
“Oh.” Aidan stopped in the doorway. “You’re alone.”
She couldn’t tell if he sounded relieved or disappointed. “Yes.” She turned, deliberately setting aside the receipts. His gaze dropped, then lifted to her face. “I went out for a bit, though.”
“Anywhere interesting?” He strode over to her and kissed her cheek as always, and she wrinkled her nose at the faint scent of smoke on his clothes. Was this how it was going to be now? Constant wariness, constant questions?
Not if you fucking ask them already.
She expected him to continue on to the closet as he always did, but he stopped and tipped up her chin. “Are you all right?”
“Honestly? No. We need to talk.”
His jaw tensed, almost imperceptibly. Then he nodded and slid off his jacket before hanging it in the closet. “I’ve been expecting this. It’s okay, Layla.”
Layla. Right. “What have you been expecting?”
He hung up the jacket before crossing to the bed to take off his shoes and socks. Somehow the sight of his bare feet made her eyes smart. What the hell?
“You and Sawyer,” he said calmly, as if he were discussing his grocery list. He undid the buttons of his shirt, fingers moving swiftly and capably. No hesitation at all. “I suspected you’d want to have this talk sooner than later. I have no problem with this continuing. In fact, I think it’s the best thing for all of us. Until you decide otherwise, of course.”
Shards of ice gathered in her throat, little spikes that made it hard to swallow. “And what about you?”
He frowned. “What about me?”
“While Sawyer and I are fucking like bunnies, what will you be doing? Won’t you want a lover of your own?”
He faltered, just for a moment. “I have no need for a lover. I have you.”
“And Sex Emporium.” She wasn’t even sure why she said it, but the bitterness and confusion inside her craved an outlet. God, she didn’t want to be having this conversation. She hated the gulf between them.
For four years, he’d been her everything. Too much, maybe. She’d stopped thinking of herself separately. Everything was for them. Where would she be if they were no more?
“Sex Emporium? The toys I buy for you?”
“Yes, all the damn toys. When did you start thinking all I needed was sex? That you didn’t have to send cards anymore, or call me to tell me you love me, or even come up from behind and hold me? Did I miss the memo?”
“They’re just toys, Layla.”
“Stop calling me fucking Layla.” She practically snarled. “Like I’m a student or someone you have to deal with. If you don’t love me, if you’re done with this, then tell me. Don’t shuttle me off to some guy you barely know while I’m still wearing your goddamned ring.”
He lifted a brow and shrugged off his shirt, laying it neatly on the pillow. That he could be so calm in the face of her explosion only angered her more. “You’re wearing my ring because we’re engaged. We made promises to each other, and I see no reason to break them.”
“What about what I see?”
“This is about Sawyer, isn’t it?” He rose and picked up the shirt en route to the hamper. “He’s being demanding, I’d wager. I sensed that he would be from the start.”
“No, this isn’t about Sawyer.”
“He hasn’t asked you to leave me so he could have you all to himself?”
Her vision tunneled until she could only see Aidan’s smirk. Those arrogant brows, quirked over his placid green eyes. He wasn’t worried about losing her. Why should he be? She’d made it clear she wasn’t going anywhere, that she never would.
“Is that so hard to believe?” she asked quietly. “That he might want me?”
“No. What I find hard to believe is that someone you’ve known for such a short time could cause you to doubt me or our love.”
“You’ve caused me to doubt you, not Sawyer. You’re the one I don’t feel like I know anymore. He doesn’t lie to me. He looks straight into my eyes and tells me the truth. You tell me what you think I need to hear.” She marched over to him and slammed down the lid of the hamper, almost smashing Aidan’s hand in the process. “Why did you invite him into our bed?”
“You were masturbating to his pictures. Yet you make this about me?”
“If I was masturbating while watching The Mentalist, would you arrange for Simon Baker to arrive in our bedroom? Christ, Aidan.”
“If I could, I just might.” He smiled in that utterly infuriating way he had. “If it made you happy, it’d be worth it to me.”
“What about what makes you happy?”
He stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers. “You make me happy. Always have, always will.”
She pulled away. Last thing she needed right now was for him to touch her. It was hard enough to say what she needed to already. “If you were happy, you’d want to sleep with me. We’d be the way we were before. You wouldn’t be asking a virtual stranger if he wanted to warm my bed on a permanent basis, as long as he doesn’t get too grabby and assume he’s allowed to have anything else but sex.”
“He told you that.”
“Yes, he told me that. Are you saying he’s lying?”
He dipped his hands in his pockets and stared at her for a long moment. Then he shook his head. “No. I’m not saying that. I’d had too much to drink—”
“And that’s your excuse.” She rubbed her cheek to try to banish the memory of his fingers on her skin. “You drank too much. Not that you really wanted just what you asked him to do.”
“So what if I did?”
She stepped around him and walked to the bed, her legs suddenly too weak to hold her up. “You said more than that, didn’t you?”
His impatient exhale made her grip the bedspread in her fists. “Honestly, I can’t remember what I said that night. What else did Sawyer go to confession about?”
“You don’t want children.”
Finally, his composure fissured. He compressed his lips and rocked back on his heels. All the while, his eyes blazed. “I’m quite certain I never said that.”
“Is it true?”
His pause answered the question more succinctly than his words ever could have. “You know I have reservations.”
“Actually, no, I didn’t. You told me you wanted to wait awhile. I presumed that meant a year or two after the ceremony.” See, she could be just as coolly rational as Aidan. Her voice never wavered. She didn’t flush or shake or cry. Maybe that was how a person reacted after their heart snapped in two.
&nb
sp; “I should have been more clear.” His jaw flexed. “That’s my fault.”
“Yes, it is. Because I never would’ve accepted your proposal if I knew you were so ambivalent. Which you knew,” she said slowly as an emotion flittered over his face. Guilt. He felt guilty for leading her on. Why that made her feel even worse, she didn’t know. “You knew exactly what you were doing. And you did it anyway.”
“Yes.” His gaze cut to hers, and his eyes were stark. Bleak even. “I knew, and I did it anyway.”
“What else, Aidan?” she asked softly. “What else have you been keeping from me?”
“There isn’t—”
“Don’t make me demand answers. Don’t force me to line up my suspicions and try to tabulate a response. Can’t you at least give me the truth? Don’t you owe me that much?”
He shut his eyes, for once looking every one of his thirty-three years and then some. She’d thought he looked tired before. Now he looked downright haggard.
“Yes. I do.”
She didn’t move. Barely even blinked. Here we go. “You can tell me anything. I promise.”
“I know that. You’re the only person I trust. My mistake was in not trusting you sooner, but I never truly believed I could trust anything but covering my own ass.” He laughed mirthlessly. “More excuses. I’ve been making them all my life. Since long before you. Since I was twelve, to be precise.” He met her gaze. “When I was accused of trying to sexually accost a classmate in the locker room. A male classmate.”
Layla opened her mouth, but nothing came out. With everything she’d considered and rejected, she hadn’t come close. “Did you do it?”
“Did I accost him? No.” Aidan undid his belt, then yanked it free of its loops. He threw it on the mattress, and it slithered off, landing on the hardwood floor with a clatter. “We kissed. We touched each other. But it was very much consensual.”
Her chest hurt, tiny fists pummeling her from the inside out. But she kept her voice even, for him. She wouldn’t lose it, not when she’d promised him he could tell her and it would be okay. “Why did he lie?”
“Our gym teacher found us. He was one of those hulking guys whose head looks like it’s made out of muscles. When Mr. Calloway yelled at us, Derek flipped out and shoved me away. He blamed me, said I’d touched him inappropriately. While they talked about me like I wasn’t even there, all I could think about was how disappointed my parents would be. I didn’t even try to defend myself.”
He looked so alone standing there with his bare feet and bare chest, so vulnerable. Her fury drained, though she knew this was just the tip of the iceberg that had been stationed in the middle of her life. Her Titanic hadn’t even hit it yet.
But it didn’t matter. Because when everything else fell away, there was Aidan. She still loved him. She couldn’t imagine a world where she wouldn’t. Despite all the ways he could wound her, the bond they’d built had been forged too deeply for anything less than a mortal blow to destroy it.
She patted the bed. “Come here.”
“You’re not…” He cleared his throat and stared at her with raw eyes. “You’re not mad at me?”
“Mad? Because you were falsely accused and didn’t know how to tell me? Of course I’m not mad. And yes, I believe you.” On that point, there was no hesitation. “You said you didn’t do what you were accused of, and your word is more than enough for me.”
“Do you see?” he asked hoarsely, after a long, charged moment passed. “This is why I couldn’t tell you. I can face anything but losing you.”
“I’m here,” she whispered, echoing the same words Sawyer had said to her earlier that night. “Now sit down and tell me the rest.”
AIDAN SAT BESIDE her and took her hand. Gripped it like the rope to safety she’d always represented to him. And he told her.
About his parents’ making him switch from public school in the city to a private school in the suburbs in the middle of seventh grade in an attempt to make everything go away. How they’d paid off Derek’s parents and given the boy himself a shiny red racing bicycle, as if that could make up for Aidan’s supposed abuse. And then, how Derek had visited him in secret one day their junior year of high school, after Derek had come out of the closet. He’d apologized, and he’d cried. He’d offered to repay the money his parents had received, but Aidan had dismissed the idea. It wasn’t about money. It was about the way his parents looked at him now and always would.
“Everything changed when I met you.” He stroked her fingers, one at a time. She had such sturdy hands. Not dainty and delicate like some women. Hers looked like she could hurt someone if she wanted to. His gut tightened. Or wrangle kids with ease. “You were the kind of daughter-in-law they’d always dreamed of. When we got engaged, my mother called me in tears, she was so happy.”
“You never told me that.”
“I didn’t think you’d believe it.” He tried to smile. “She gave you such a hard time at first.”
Layla scoffed. “At first? She still criticizes my cooking and never laughs at my jokes. Last year, she told your father she needed to buy me gift-wrapping lessons.”
He laughed. “She loves you. Honestly.”
“Uh-huh.” The amusement on her face disappeared. “She loves me because I’m female.”
He wanted to deny it. More than anything, he wanted to keep her smiling. But he couldn’t. “She would love you anyway. But yes, that helps. A lot.”
“Did you ever…experiment again?”
They’d smiled for the last time during this conversation, he was certain. Something else to mourn. “Two other times. Once, in high school. Just a kiss. We’d been studying, and somehow things got out of control. I put a stop to it, and he left.”
“What happened next?”
“We stopped being friends.” He shrugged. “I told myself it was a mistake. Until it happened again.”
She must’ve heard the catch in his voice. She moistened her lips and bravely lifted her chin. “When?”
God, he didn’t want to say these words. How could he do this to her? He loved her so much, and all he’d wanted was to build a life with her.
If he’d lied, if he’d built a false construct to support their life together, he’d done it out of love. He wanted to be the only man for her. But he wasn’t.
“It’s okay.” She squeezed his hand, her gaze steady. “Whatever you say, it’s okay. I won’t run out of here. I told you I would hear you out, and I will.”
“And after that?”
“We’ll figure it out together. I swear.”
“Your word is more than enough for me,” he repeated quietly, and never had it been more true. He believed her. Believed in her. She wouldn’t take off on him. She wouldn’t be the coward he’d been. “It was at the hospital. With Josh.” He rushed ahead before she could speak. If he didn’t get it all out now, he wouldn’t be able to. “We were working late, and we were both exhausted. We crashed in the same room for a couple minutes, and then we were kissing. I still don’t know how it happened. I didn’t even know he was bisexual. Apparently he and Tricia have an open marriage. I never suspected. But he told me after, that he could tell with me. That I wasn’t straight.”
That too had shamed him. There wasn’t anything wrong with being a homosexual. It wasn’t something that could be changed. But a person could live any sort of life they chose. Or so he’d tried to convince himself.
More and more was falling out of his control. Including his own urges. Hiding hadn’t worked. Running—from Nebraska, from the judgmental medical community, from his parents—hadn’t worked either.
All that was left was facing the truth. And living with it.
“You’re gay.” She blinked quickly, but he still saw the sheen in her eyes. “Not bisexual.”
He couldn’t lie anymore, not when he’d come this far. “Yes. I’m gay, Layla.”
She nodded and blotted the wetness on her cheeks. “How far did it go? With Josh?”
“To
uching, mostly. He… Christ, I don’t want to say this.”
“You did it. You can say it.”
No recrimination, no anger. Just a bald statement of truth. It helped. “We kissed. He gave me a blowjob. That’s all.” At her choked half laugh, he squeezed his eyes shut. So much pain in such a brief sound. “I stopped him when my tired brain finally clicked into gear. It was as if I was in slow motion and didn’t even get what I was doing.”
“But you wanted it. You enjoyed it.”
“Yes.” He drew their joined hands up to his chest, held them there while his heart pounded crazily. “I never meant to cheat on you. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought something like that would happen. I did what I could to make sure it didn’t again, but that doesn’t change that it did. Baby, I’m so sorry.”
She was crying openly now, tears leaking down her face in a steady stream. But her hand squeezed his, as tightly as if she was experiencing every moment of his frustration and fear. “Did you ever enjoy having sex with me? Even a little?”
“Of course I did. I love being with you.” He pulled her into his chest with his other arm as she sobbed. “I love you. With all my heart. I’ve never loved anyone else like I love you.”
Would never love anyone else. He wouldn’t let himself. That would be his penance for hurting her, even if she left.
His ribs ached. Not if, when. Because how could they survive this?
“But you don’t want me. Sexually.” Her reply tumbled out in a rush. “Because I’m not a man.”
“I’ve wanted you, over and over again. Being with you is a special, amazing thing. I love making love to you.” He couldn’t get the reassurances out fast enough, and still they weren’t enough. Even knowing that, he had to give them. “I love everything about it.”
She rocked, not looking at him. Letting out sobs that racked him as if they were his own.
“You still arouse me.” His love for her made her appealing in ways that went far beyond the physical. But telling her that would be another slap in the face. “The reason I started staying away is because I felt like a fraud. I thought if we left Nebraska, we could get us back again. But we’re further apart than ever, and the division between us is all my fault.”
