by Leigh Landry
He’d been paying for it ever since. He paid for it every time he saw her and couldn’t be near her. Every time she looked at him, the disappointment evident in her eyes. Every time he thought about a future without her.
He hung his head and closed his eyes, too ashamed to look at her, but he kept his hands on her arms and squeezed gently. “I’m so sorry. I swear, I never meant to hurt you more. I thought I was helping you.”
Her muscles tensed under his palms. “How could you think that abandoning me after a miscarriage was going to help?”
It sounded so stupid now, hearing those words come out of her mouth. But he hadn’t been in his right mind back then. He’d been as overcome by grief as she’d been, and he’d made mistakes. Mistakes he probably could never make up for.
“I wasn’t running away from you to save myself. Not consciously, at least, although I’m sure there was probably some self-preservation somewhere deep down. But you have to believe all I wanted was to be with you after that.”
“Then why did you bail?” Her voice was soft, small, broken.
He did that to her.
“I thought I was saving you,” he said, and she scoffed. It did sound pretty ridiculous now. “I know, I know. But I did. I thought if you didn’t have to see me grieving, you wouldn’t feel guilty. I couldn’t take away your pain, even if I stayed, but I thought I could at least take myself out of the equation so I wouldn’t cause you more.”
She frowned. “You’re an idiot, you know that?”
“I do now.”
“No, you couldn’t take away the pain, not any more than I could take away yours. But we could have gone through it together. Shared in our grief. That would have helped.”
His face was hot with shame, and his stomach tightened the knot it had formed. Looking at her now, he had no idea how he ever walked away in the first place. Over and over. Like he’d been repeatedly punishing himself. “That would have helped me, too. I think. I don’t know if I can ever make you understand just how sorry I am.”
She sighed. “I know. But it isn’t just that. I’m not angry or holding that against you or anything. And I realize my part in pushing you away. Believe me, I know I have ownership in what happened to us, too. I just…I don’t know if it’s a good idea to try to recreate something that was broken between us.”
“We were never broken.” If he knew anything, he knew that. They were the one thing in his life that was right. Always. Every single time they were together. And not just physically. Being in a room with her, playing beside her, laughing over whatever ridiculous joke he’d cracked, all of it. It was always right.
Redness rimmed her eyes, and tears brewed at the edges. “You say that now, but I was never enough for you.” She paused. “I’ll never be enough for you.”
He pulled back and looked at her, his knees still touching her as they shared the bench. “You were always enough for me. The other people I slept with after we broke up? They were just a distraction. They were me trying to fill the emptiness when you weren’t around.”
“It isn’t just the others. I mean, that stung, I won’t lie. Every time. Seeing you with other people killed me. But I’m not holding that against you. You had every right to sleep with whoever you wanted to when we weren’t together.”
“So what is it?” For the life of him, he couldn’t figure it out. She opened her mouth to answer, then closed it. When it was clear she couldn’t find the words, he took her face in his palms and said, “You were always enough. I have always loved you, Kelsey. And I will always love you. Whether you give me another chance to make this right or not.”
She took his hands in her own and removed them from her face. “Love was never the problem.”
“No, it wasn’t. I was. And I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that, if you’ll let me.”
She looked deep into his eyes, like she was trying to discern the truth in his statement. And he stared back. Letting her see everything. Whatever she wanted to see, it was hers.
Satisfied with her search, Kelsey leaned forward and kissed him. It was a small kiss. Affectionate. Grateful. The comfortable kiss of two people who’ve known each other for a very long time. It meant everything to him. If that was the only kiss he ever got from her again, it was worth it.
She looked at him again, then leaned forward for another kiss, this one lingering much longer, but still soft and tender. He inched his body along the piano bench, closer to her, and wrapped a hand behind her, holding her steady, fearful she might run. She opened her mouth wider and welcomed him. The lingering tang of lemon candies on her tongue sparked through his mouth, awakening all of his senses with a rush of awareness.
He was kissing Kelsey.
Kelsey was kissing him.
And she was making it incredibly difficult to remember his plan to take things slow.
He slid his other hand up the curve of her neck and grazed his thumb over the cool, smooth skin there, kissing her with a hunger fueled by so many lonely days without her. She returned his attention with passion of her own, gripping his shirt and holding him against her with a desperation that matched his.
As their hunger for each other grew, they pulled and yanked at each other’s clothing in between greedy kisses. He reached up and threw his flat cap across the room while Kelsey unbuttoned his shirt and slid it off. Then he pulled her T-shirt over her head and dropped it on the floor so he could get his hands back on her. He caressed her supple stomach and sides, every inch of her that he’d been denied when they’d been apart, reveling in her shivers at the soft, gliding touch of his fingers.
She grabbed his face with both hands and held him there, kissing him long and hard, their tongues intertwined as their mouths pressed against each other. When he slid both thumbs beneath the wire of her bra and grazed the underside of her breasts, she pulled back from their kiss and took in a long gasp of air, staring at him like she hadn’t done in so long. They’d had sex several times after their breakup, but there’d always been a sadness in her eyes. In his own, too, probably. They’d tried to medicate with each other, and it never worked. But this time they weren’t trying to mask pain. This time she was his again. And by God, he was hers for as long as she’d have him.
He gave her a light kiss on the lips, then kissed down her neck and shoulder. He lingered there and kissed along her collarbone as they fumbled from the bench to the living room floor. He kissed down her chest while he reached behind her and unhooked her bra. Her skin still held a hint of the spices from the crawfish boil—he could almost taste the kick of cayenne as his tongue and lips moved over her skin.
They were normally so talkative and playful, but this was different. There was a reverent silence between them this time. A silence he didn’t dare break.
Even without words, she confirmed that she wanted this as much as he did. Once she removed the last of his clothing, she lay back onto the carpet while he slipped on a condom, then she eagerly helped guide him inside her.
But something wasn’t right. She grimaced, and he froze.
“I’m sorry. Does that hurt?”
She shook her head. “No, it’s just…” She looked lost.
“Do you want me to stop?”
He started to pull away from her, but she squeezed his arm. “No, wait. Let me try something else.” She nodded to the side, and they rolled over together. He let her take the lead, as she straddled his legs and positioned herself just right until she slid down and filled herself with him. This time, her face softened with pleasure.
“Better?” he asked, hoping to heaven the answer was yes. She was so wet now, and his cock throbbed inside her.
She closed her eyes and tossed her head back as she moved against him with agonizingly slow strokes along the full length of him. “So much better.”
It was the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen, Kelsey on top of him, experiencing pure satisfaction, her body naked and glowing under the soft twinkle lights in his living
room. He gripped her thighs and watched her move, wishing he could freeze this moment forever.
But time passed too quickly, and the speed and fierceness of Kelsey’s sudden wave of pleasure surprised both of them. She pressed her hands hard against his chest as she tightened and spasmed around him. He followed her over the edge a moment later and embraced her as she collapsed on top of him.
They lay there in stillness and silence for a few minutes that felt like a lifetime. A lifetime he wished they could live together, just like that.
He held her close, grazing his fingertips along her bare back while they matched their breath. Only the hum of the air conditioner echoed through the room.
Too soon, she rolled to the side and placed a tiny kiss on his ear. While she slid on her panties, he couldn’t help think how nice it was to watch her do that move. Watching her do anything half-naked was something to appreciate.
Anything except slipping on her T-shirt and jeans.
“You aren’t going to stay?” he asked.
Her eyes roamed over his body as she considered. “I shouldn’t.”
“I really think you should.” He patted the floor next to him.
Kelsey rolled her eyes and zipped her jeans. “Tempting, but I should get home.” She lowered herself to the floor beside him, fully dressed now, and kissed his cheek. “Like it or not, I’m going to be second-guessing this, and I’d rather not do that all night right beside you.”
It hurt him to his core, thinking she might second-guess their connection for one moment. To doubt what he felt so strongly. But he understood. She had every right to protect her heart and work this out for herself.
“Well, I’ll be here, not doubting this, if you change your mind and want to spend the night.”
She kissed him again, on the mouth this time. “Noted.”
And then she was gone. She took her notebook, her keys, and her phone, and she left him alone in the house that had always been too big for just him.
Maybe one day soon he could find a way to fill it.
The spare room had plenty of space for a drum set. They could put foam on the walls and rugs on the floor to buffer the sound. And there was plenty of room for that turtle of hers, too.
He lay back with his hands behind his head and elbows out to the sides and stared at the ceiling. A huge smile spread across his face as he closed his eyes and imagined Kelsey and her drums and her turtle living with him. Forever.
Chapter Seven
By noon on Monday, Kelsey couldn’t wait another second to get out of the record store. She’d stayed home all day Sunday polishing her lyrics. It had been nice to have a quiet day at home, just her and Michelangelo. The weather was so gorgeous lately, she’d been able to open the windows and play some Stevie Nicks while she cleaned and did laundry and nibbled on cheese and crackers. She hadn’t taken an entire day to herself like that in a long time, and it was so nice to feel good again. So for the first time in forever, she felt trapped in the dark record store and couldn’t wait to break out of there.
“I’m taking my lunch now,” she called to her boss in the back room.
The delightful breeze from the mid-March cool front blew across her face as she stepped outside and headed toward the library. Downtown still smelled like…well, downtown, but she could smell its energy today. Its vibrancy. Its life.
Pregnancy was fucking weird sometimes.
Like how sex with Eric had been a million times better than ever before. And not just because she’d missed him or because he’d said all the right things. All that helped. Sure. But it was like every nerve in her body had been on high alert, exploding with sensation at every touch.
Her mind and heart were pretty damn happy with Saturday, too. But she was trying not to think about her heart right now.
She’d spent most of Saturday night wide awake and second-guessing herself. Just as predicted. She’d replayed and analyzed every second of their afternoon together. Every word Eric said to her. The tone and meaning of every statement. Every facial expression. Every pause.
By Sunday morning, she wasn’t sure what to think anymore. She couldn’t find any warning signs in her memories from that day, but something was still holding her back.
She instinctively placed a palm against her stomach. She took a deep breath, then removed her hand and kept walking.
Of course, something was holding her back. Their situation hadn’t changed because they’d had sex. Amazing sex even. If anything, that just complicated things more.
But Kelsey refused to regret the act. She only needed to protect herself going forward. Or at least her heart. Because losing him again, the same way she lost him last time, would kill her.
Tires screeched, then a horn blared as a flash of silver shook her out of her thoughts. Maybe the horn sounded first. It took her brain way too long to piece together what was happening. To realize she was standing frozen in the road, several feet from the curb where she should have still been waiting for traffic to clear.
Another horn blared as a driver swerved around her on the little side street that ran in front of the library. Kelsey looked at her feet again, then the road, unable to move forward or back.
“Kel, are you okay?” Natalie sprinted across the library parking lot, her normally vibrant face pale and fraught.
“Yeah.” Kelsey looked down at herself, placed her hands on her stomach to smooth the front of her shirt and to reassure herself that everything was indeed okay. When she removed her hands from her belly, they shook with tiny tremors as she held them out in front of her.
As soon as Natalie crossed the road, she took Kelsey’s arm in her hand and did her own inspection. “You don’t look good. Have you eaten?”
“I…yeah…peanut butter crackers…and a banana this morning.” She’d discovered recently that if she could get enough protein in her stomach first thing in the morning, she could squash the morning sickness before it got out of hand. Then it was just a matter of maintenance during the day. Little bites here and there between small meals. Nuts. Peanut butter. Cheese. Anything with protein helped.
“When was that?” Natalie asked, still looking at Kelsey’s eyes trying to see if she was going to pass out.
“A couple of hours ago. But I’m not hungry or lightheaded. I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
“I’m shaken up, that’s all,” Kelsey insisted. “I just wasn’t paying attention.”
Natalie frowned, then hooked her arm in Kelsey’s. She turned her around and began guiding her down the sidewalk in the opposite direction. “I was going to take you to lunch anyway. I want to check out that new pizza place.”
Kelsey wasn’t sure she could handle pizza, but she’d heard the place had good salads. Not to mention house-made cheese curds. One cheese curd wouldn’t kill her. “Sounds great.”
“Any particular reason you spaced out back there?” Natalie asked about half a block down the road. “I saw you leave with Eric in his car Saturday.”
Kelsey laughed. “And you waited until today to ask me about it? Wow. I’m impressed.”
“You should be. My restraint on this has been downright fucking fantastic.”
Thank goodness for Natalie. Kelsey needed a good laugh. And a few extra curse words. She reined them in around Eric. Not because he’d asked her to or that he ever would, but because she knew it bothered him. A little, at least. Most of the time she wasn’t even consciously watching her language. She simply matched his. It just kind of sort of happened after a while together.
“Well?” Natalie asked.
So much for restraint.
“We hung out.” Kelsey smiled remembering that afternoon. How she’d relaxed more and more with every step. “He took me on a brewery tour.”
Natalie nearly tripped over her own feet as she snort-laughed. “Oh my gosh. How the hell did you weasel out of that?” She paused. “Or did you tell him?”
“No. It was fine. We did the tour, then I told him I g
ot too much sun on the gig.”
“Being pasty paid off?”
“This time,” she said. “And he was really…I don’t know. It was good.”
“And?”
“And we went back to his place to work on the new song.”
“And?” Natalie’s voice got deeper with each repetition of the word.
“And the song is really coming along.”
“And?”
Kelsey cleared her throat. The pizza place was ahead on their right. “And then we stopped working on the music.”
“And?” Natalie dragged the word out long and slow. No way Kelsey was going to weasel out of this.
“And we talked. About a lot of stuff. I didn’t tell him, but we had a really good talk.”
They stopped in front of the door, and Natalie blocked it with one hand on the handle. “Then why didn’t you tell him?”
There wasn’t an easy way to make Natalie understand. Not really. But the worst part was that Kelsey was having a hard time making herself understand lately, too.
“What if nothing has really changed? What if we end up right back where we were?”
Natalie frowned. “That’s a fair question.” After a few seconds, she pulled the door open and held it for Kelsey to walk inside. “But what if you don’t? What if, this time, everything works out the way it’s supposed to?”
Kelsey waited a second and considered. Natalie was right, of course. That was all just as possible as her doomsday fears. The more she listened to Natalie and the more time she spent with Eric, the more she believed that maybe there could be a future for them.
“Inside, Kel. There’s pizza inside. Good damn pizza.”
Kelsey laughed, then walked through the door.
Natalie followed her inside. “Now, after we order, you can tell me all about the other stuff you left out.”
* * * * *
