by Rue Volley
I sighed. “Oh man, she is something else and there’s more?”
Sam grinned and then hissed as his lip ached. “Are you kidding me? Probably tons more.” I leaned up and inspected it; he watched me as my hand held his jaw and I stared at the cut on his lip. He reached up and touched my hand, but I slid back into my safe place. I looked down and then scooted away from him as his hand lowered to his lap.
“Abi, I want to kiss you so badly.”I swallowed hard as I started to rise, but he grabbed my hand and kept me there. I was forced to look at him. “Do I have any chance at all?”
It was a fair question. I felt so sorry for him. I did. Here he was a perfect gentleman. Defending my honor, whether it was for me or not, regardless he had been struck down because of me. I slid toward him, and he sat there looking into my eyes.
“He damaged something in me, Sam. It would be unfair…”
He kissed me. The words stopped, the world stopped and the pain, well—it faded as I let Sam’s lips gently caress my own. I reached up and cupped his face and broke it off. I couldn’t let it go any further. I just couldn’t, but I also didn’t want to hurt him. I grinned.
“That was unfair,” I whispered to him.
“All’s fair in love and war, Abi. I don’t plan on going down without a fight.”
I closed my eyes and then stood up. I looked down at him and took his hand. “You can sleep in the bed, but just sleep. No grabby hands, no kissing—none of that. Understood?”
He nodded to me. His smile said it all. He had chipped through just a little bit to see the light that was inside of me.
The buzzer rang a couple of times before I rolled over and saw that Sam wasn’t in the bed. I narrowed my eyes and saw the clock. It was eight a.m. I had not felt him once during the night. He stayed on his side just as he promised that he would. I slept well, again. There was something about him that just made everything so easy. But did I want easy? I wasn’t sure.
I rolled out of the bed and placed my black robe on, slid my favorite slippers on and rubbed my head. The sleep had left my hair looking crazy. If anyone saw me, they would think…
I stepped out of the bedroom as Jack stood in the doorway and Sam was standing there with no shirt on. I bit my lip and felt the heat rise in my cheeks. I raised a hand to Jack and he turned and walked away. Leaving me standing there looking like I had slept with Sam and had a great time doing it. I shook my head and ran toward the door as Sam reached out to me. I passed him by, once again to go after Jack. I couldn’t help myself. He drew me to him, and I couldn’t allow him to think that something had happened. I just couldn’t because it was a lie.
I rushed to the elevator and stuck my hand in, stopping it and forcing it open as Jack stood there, refusing to look at me.
“Jack.”
He pressed the button and I jumped in before the door could close. Unfortunately, the back of my robe was caught in it, and I yelled as it started to move and pulled it up on me. Jack hit the emergency button, and the elevator stopped dead. He stepped up and undid my robe for me, sliding it off and letting it hang from the doors. I pushed my hair behind my ear and looked up at him as he stepped away and leaned against the back of the elevator.
“You just can’t help it, can you?”
I rubbed my palms. “Help what?”
He sighed. “Force me to save you, it’s like that’s all I am here to do.”
I shook my head. I pointed upward. “Jack, that—it isn’t what you think.”
He laughed. “Really?”
“No, nothing happened. Nothing at all.”
Jack paused as he studied my face. “Nothing.”
“Well, he—there was a kiss, but that was it.”
“Oh, kissing. Then he stayed. That sounds reasonable.”
I rubbed my neck and it started to get red. I knew that it looked bad. How could it not?
“I was checking out the cut on his lip and I told him it might need stitches.”
Jack rolled his eyes. “Using my lines now, Abigail?”
I stepped toward him and then stopped. “No, it looked like it did and I didn’t say it because of what you did to me. I said it because it looked bad. Then—well, he kissed me.”
Jack looked down and then back up to me. “Did you like it?”
I paused; I shouldn’t have. It spoke volumes. He stood up straight and looked me over.
“Sometimes we have to just cut our losses.”
I stepped closer to him and he refused to open up to me. I could tell by his rigid body language.
“Losses? You left me, Jack. Left me here—not one call, to even say ‘Hey, Abigail, I’m fine, I hate you—I can’t…” I stopped as he watched me. His blue eyes penetrating me as they had before. It sent a chill through me.
“I told you that I can’t love; I don’t function that way.”
I shook my head. “I think you’re a liar.”
He blinked as his brow crinkled in stress. “A liar? I have been nothing but honest with you. You are the one letting men stay overnight.”
I swallowed hard. “Nothing happened.”
He stepped up to me and I waited. I hoped that we had reached that moment, you know, the highly stressful one during a lover’s quarrel where one person gives in and passionately kisses the other. I would have allowed it with no fight what-so-ever. But no, he reached to the side and hit the button to open the door. My robe dropped behind me and then the doors closed. He stepped around me and picked it up, placing it on me, one arm at a time. Then he let me go and stepped back around in front of me.
“You don’t belong in my world, Abigail, you belong with him.”
It hit me like a ton of bricks in my chest. I reached up and clutched my robe as my eyes started to tear up. The elevator stopped and he stepped up to me. Leaning down and kissing me on the forehead. He whispered. “You won’t be bothered by me again, Abigail. Find happiness, it would never be that way with me. I am pain; that’s all that I understand and all that I desire. I could spend years torturing you only because you amuse me—that is all. An amusement.”
He walked out and left me standing there. The tears rolled down my cheeks, warm and painful as he ended it as abruptly as it began. A ghost who floated into my life, branding me and then floating right back out again.
My finger ached and I lifted it to my mouth, closing my eyes as I gently rubbed the scar across my bottom lip. Feeling him near me, wishing that he was standing here and holding me, saying the words he would never allow me to hear. He left the monster behind. The one that would claw at my heart at night, hide in the shadows and reside in my closet. Along with the real me, the Abigailwho had nothing to offer to him, but everything that I am.
It wasn’t enough. It never would be.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
FAKING IT
I stepped back into my apartment and the look on my face probably said it all. The emptiness that I felt could not be hidden. You belong in his world, not mine. Well, at least he was honest with me. At least he could say the truth since I had not been able to say it myself.
Perhaps my fear and longing for him were deeply etched in this simple fact. Jack wasn’t of the world that I knew; his alien nature had lured me. It beckoned me to toy with the idea of evolving into something I must have wished to become. You don’t realize these things until it is too late, and the opportunity had passed you by.
I felt like a foolish child. I couldn’t even be angry with him. He wasn’t the target; I was. I allowed myself to obsess over him, dissect everything that happened and all of the things that he said to me. I pasted them together one by one to build a world that didn’t even exist. A world where Jack only wanted me. A world where we meshed together regardless of the differences. I had lied to myself all along. Perhaps the ruby ring just made me appear more familiar to him, to kill off that strange alien nature that I must have possessed in his eyes too.
I was the monster in my closet. Not Jack. Jack simply handed me the key and t
old me that I had a choice. How can he be at fault for that? He couldn’t be. This was all me. I built the entire story, starting from the moment my curiosity piqued with him at the coffee shop. Had I simply done it all on purpose? The fall, the flirting. The coy insinuations? Then the bus. How long had it been since I had been so careless and gotten hurt?
I can’t believe I did this, so stupid. So very, very, stupid of me.
I pressed my back against the hard wood as Sam stepped toward me. His hand extended; it touched my cheek. I lost it and rushed toward him, wrapping my arms around him and hugging him as tightly as I could. His arms returned my need, enveloping me and making me feel as if I may be safe. Even if for only a moment, it was better than being alone.
His hand slowly rubbed the back of my head as the tears came, accompanied by the sobbing. The release was so needed. I had held everything in the best that I could, hiding my pain at night as I cried into my pillow. The harsh reality struck me. I did love Jack, so much so that it had broken something inside of me. I loved a man who could never return that love. My doing—not his. Jack never led me astray, in fact, he shined a bright light down on me.
I squeezed my eyes tighter as everything culminated into one. Everything that I had felt, my passion for him, all of it. Sam pulled back and lifted my chin. He leaned down, whispering to me.
“Let me help you, Abi.”
I opened my eyes as the words echoed in my ears. The same words that Jack uttered to me on the sidewalk as I knelt at his feet.
Sam’s lips brushed my own, and I backed away, shaking my head at him.
“Oh my God, Sam. I can’t do that. I just can’t.”
He stood there and the pain on his face matched my own. I felt horrible, but I searched my mind to make sure that I had not made a mistake with him, given him more than he expected to receive. Then it struck me. What if Sam had done the same with me as I had with Jack? I sighed and reached out to him as he backed away from me.
“I need to go, Abi. I’m sorry. I just, I have to.”
I nodded to him, unable to stop him, knowing that if I did it would do nothing but harm us and the friendship that we had. It was so unfair for him to feel this way; it truly was.
I spoke as he turned his back to me.
“We can’t choose who we love, Sam.”
He remained very still and then he spoke, his words soft and sincere.
“Tell me something I don’t already know.”
With that, he grabbed his things as I stood there unable to stop him. The door closed behind him, the sound of it harsh and making me jump. I covered my face and slumped to the floor, sobbing and wondering if I would ever recover.
Two weeks passed before the first small text came in. All it said was ‘hi.’ Small letters and non-confrontational. I stared at them and then typed in the same thing back to Sam. It was a small step toward normalcy and, to be honest, I welcomed it.
I didn’t know how much I missed him until he was gone. Sam’s ability to make me feel safe was undeniable. It didn’t change the fact that my love for him was entirely platonic, but if he was willing to accept me as I was, then I would be grateful for it. He had exposed himself to me not unlike I had to Jack. Being rejected was a painful thing, something I wasn’t quite sure if I would ever truly get over.
‘I miss talking to you.’ came back at me on the screen. I touched it and a sigh of relief came out of me as I looked up and then back at my phone. I replied. ‘me too.' I waited. That may be it. Maybe all Sam needed was to let me know how he felt and then he replied…‘coffee.’ I laughed and held the phone to my chest as I nodded. Of course, I wanted coffee and with him. ‘Hungry Ghost—Flatbush in 30.’ A‘k’ came back at me and I smiled. I couldn’t help it.
I got out of the cab in front of the coffee shop and looked around. No Sam. I waited, if he had changed his mind then I would just crawl back in and go home. Who knows? He may have had a change of heart. I couldn’t fault him if he had.
Then he emerged from the coffee shop with two coffees in hand, to go, and it surprised me. I assumed that we would sit and talk in the privacy that the shop provided, but I guess he had a different plan. I paid the cabby and he left me standing there as I turned, Sam stood before me. He looked good. Who am I kidding? He always looks good. He was a great catch for someone who could love him as he deserved to be loved.
He handed me one of the cups and I held it as I breathed in the aroma. I had avoided my favorite coffee in all of New York City for too long. Never again. Sam took a sip and then tilted his head ever so slightly to one side. “I missed your face.”
I grinned. “I missed yours too.”
He held his hand out, and I started to walk along with him.
“So…” he said and I raised my eyebrows and nodded as I took a quick sip. I eyed him and returned my attention to people walking along the sidewalk. At least we were in public so if he wanted to tell me to piss off, he could totally do it quietly while I was forced to smile and accept it. I wouldn’t blame him if he did. I had thought about his compassion toward me over the past couple of weeks and I knew that everything that occurred was so beneath him. He was an amazing person, and my friendship had been mediocre at best.
“So.”He stopped and turned to face me. “I thought about ignoring you for the rest of my life, but then I got this feeling that it would be a huge mistake, Abi.”
I sighed, I felt the same way, but there may be a but lurking behind this soft beginning.
“Listen Sam—I didn’t mean to…” he held his hand up to me as he scanned the road behind me. I could hear a bus stop and people stepping off. I turned to see all of them on their way to whatever held importance in their lives. My focus right now, my principal destination, was Sam, and making sure that he knew that I appreciated him exactly as he is.
“Abi—I need to say this.”
I nodded to him and let him go on. It was the least that I could do.
“I think that I got caught up in the idea of us, and not the reality.”
I parted my lips. I wanted to tell him how right that was and that I could totally relate to it. I had done the same thing with Jack. My idea of what we were was not even close to what we actually were. It was a painful realization, but it had to be made. Just one more thing that made Sam and I so similar in nature.
“I agree and I can’t say that I don’t understand.”
He let his gaze settle on me. It felt calm and inviting. I shook my head and went on. “Everything you did for me—I just want you to know that I appreciate it and that your friendship means a lot to me. I would hate to lose that with you.”
He grinned. The first happy expression that I had seen from him since I arrived. I mirrored his emotion.
“I’m glad to hear that, Abi, because I would like to remain friends and hang out. I miss it, all of it, and I promise—no more near misses with the kissing.”
I laughed. “And here I thought that I was just irresistible.”
He paused and then laughed with me. “Perhaps, but in a purely platonic way.”
I wove my arm into his as we started to walk again and the conversation that followed was one of the best that I had in years. I told him everything; I talked about my dad, my mom, home, my plans for the future. I even mentioned Jack, but I stopped. There was no need to bring him up. Sam understood that I loved him or had loved him, and if he could help me move on, then he would. I knew this about him without him having to say a word.
I laughed as Sam made a stupid face. I almost spit my drink out onto the table. The girl grinned at the two of us as she asked if we were ready to order food. I looked at the menu and smiled.
“Pie—coconut cream.”
Sam nodded. “Oh man, double that.”
The girl jotted it down as we continued on like silly teenagers. The truth was that with Sam I felt younger and carefree. There was no pressure to say the right things to even try to be more than what I was. We had grown close in the past four weeks. I enjoye
d his company; it’s hard not to. He is funny, smart, independent, and confident. All of the things that I would have thought I was looking for in a partner. But no. This is just not enough; there was no nervous ticks, no stomach pains. No fidgeting. Sam was like a brother to me, one that I never had, but the desperation that I seem to crave had never been there between us. The danger, the mystery.
He interrupted my thoughts. “So—I have a date.”
I blinked as it hit me. A date.
I took a sip of my coffee and raised an eyebrow. “A date? Spill it, Sam.”
He paused. “Well, not to bring up bad memories, but you know the bartender, at the pub? Well, her name is Liv. Cute name, unique, don’t you think?”
I nodded to him. He toyed with his fork and I couldn’t help but notice. Sam wasn’t one to fidget with things. “She asked me out.”
I set my cup down and smiled at him. My head tilted as I looked him over. He appeared to be excited, and he should be. She was stunning and fit him perfectly. “She sounds like a cougar.”
He laughed. “I hope so, not to be rude, but I could get some.”
“Sam,” I said as I laughed out loud.
“What? It’s true, Abi. I have needs. Don’t you?”
I swallowed hard and scanned the room. My eyes floated over the large window and a couple walked by, arm in arm. I sighed. “I’m okay.”
He paused, reaching out to touch my hand. I looked down at his fingers and started to worry about him not being here to talk to me. What if this was it? What if she was the one for him and stole him away from me? I stood up and took my cup with me. I stared into his. He had sucked it down as quickly as I had. “More?”
“I can...” I grabbed his cup and grinned. “I got it, my treat. I think it’s my turn anyway.”
He watched me walk to the counter. I set the cups down and the girl looked up at me. She eyed Sam and then let her eyes settle on mine. “He’s gorgeous.”
I looked back at him as he sent a text on his phone. He grinned; it was probably her.
