“You didn’t kiss him back?”
The blood rushed to my face, knowing that my lack of response had likely hurt Tanner. “No. I didn’t know what was happening.”
“But you care about him, don’t you?”
“I do. I didn’t see it at first. I was so set on keeping him in the friend category, I didn’t realize how much he’d come to mean to me.” I drew my knees up against my chest. “But I doubt he’ll want to see me again.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure,” said a voice from the kitchen and I turned to see Colin, a glass of wine in each hand.
My eye snapped to Marissa. “What?” she said. “You asked me if I was home, not if I was alone.”
It was too much to handle at the moment. I had enough on my already overflowing plate.
“I’ll deal with this later,” I said, gesturing between the two of them. Turning my attention toward Colin. “Right now, you’re going to tell me everything.”
He walked over and handed each one of us a glass before taking a seat next to Marissa. “Well, Marissa told you most of it. Tanner promised he was going to tell you himself, although, I didn’t expect him to start off with a kiss.”
“It sounds like he got caught up in the moment,” Marissa chimed in.
“Does it matter why? I messed up. I don’t even know if I’m ready to do this again, especially considering what he does for a living.” The shudder that ran through my body spoke volumes.
“You can’t keep living your life afraid to get hurt. At some point you’re going to have to take a chance,” Marissa said, and my eyes dropped to the floor. The thought of not seeing Tanner again had me tied up in knots, but there was no way we could go back to just being friends. I had to make a choice. If I wanted to have Tanner in my life, I’d have to face my fears. But it wasn’t just fear keeping me in my seat. There was guilt…piles and piles of guilt. Somehow I’d convinced myself that by wanting to be with Tanner, I was betraying Nate and his memory.
“Danielle, go talk to him and see where it goes,” Colin suggested.
“Do you really think he’ll want to see me?”
“I think he’ll be extremely happy to see you, if you’re willing to give him a chance to show you how much he cares.”
I nodded. “Okay. Can you help me get on base?”
“Of course.” He turned to Marissa. “Do you mind if I take her over there? I’ll come back after I drop her off.”
“Hell yeah, I mind,” she said with a laugh. “I’m coming too. I want to make sure she actually goes up to his door.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I said. Although, she had a point.
“Anything for you, my dear,” she said with a wink.
A few minutes later we were piled in Colin’s car and headed to the base. Colin showed his ID at the gate and drove us back to where his apartment was. This was the only the second time I’d been on base since the funeral and my stomach churned a little at the memory, until my thoughts turned to Tanner. Colin parked the car and turned to face me. “I texted Greg before we left. He’s at the gym and will be for the next hour or so. That gives you two some time to talk.”
“Okay.” I reached out for the handle with shaking hands. This was going to be harder than I thought.
Marissa looked back. “You can do this.”
“I can do this,” I repeated, and climbed out of the car.
The walk to his door felt like it was miles long and my legs were close to buckling, especially when I got to his door, took a deep breath and knocked. There was movement inside the apartment and the door swung opened to reveal a disheveled Tanner, his hair sticking up in all directions, like he’d been running his hand through it. The clothes he’d worn earlier were gone, replaced with gym shorts and worn ARMY T-shirt. His eyes widened when he saw me. Without really thinking about what I was doing, I stepped up to him, forcing him to take a step backward.
“Danielle, now really isn’t a good time.”
This was it. It was now or never. I had to make my choice. Friend…or more? I lifted my eyes to his and my voice was shaking as I spoke.
“Kiss me again.”
There are times when going after what you want was worth all of the heartache it took to get there.
“What?”
I hadn’t heard her right. No way. There was no way she’d just asked me to kiss her. All of the alcohol I’d thrown back when I got home was messing with my brain.
“Kiss me again.” My mouth dropped open as she repeated herself, her voice softer than before but somehow more determined. Like she meant it.
Weighing up my options I realized I couldn’t make the situation any worse than I had earlier. The difference was this time she was asking me to kiss her. Taking a step toward her, I lowered my head until my lips brushed over hers and this time, instead of freezing, her lips parted and joined mine in the kiss.
And it felt like flying.
This woman, who I cared so much for, was in my arms. Her lips were soft. I let my hands wander. One trailed up her back and around her nape and the other slid around her waist, holding her tight to me.
There was a small voice in the back of my head taunting me. She’s going to run as soon as you let her go. I knew the voice was wrong. Danielle wasn’t a runner, and the fact that she’d come looking for me said it all. I slid my tongue across her bottom lip, tasting the sweetness of her lip-gloss. Her mouth opened. The feel of her warm tongue against mine had my pulse racing, my mind spinning.
With great reluctance I took my lips from hers, knowing that more than anything, we needed to talk. She needed to hear everything. Then, and only then, would I have the right to kiss her again. Keeping my arm wrapped around her, I reached up with my other hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. “Danielle, before I kiss you some more, which I’m dying to do, we need to talk.”
“I know we do.” Her solemn face made my palms start to sweat over what she might say.
“Do you want to sit?”
“Yeah, that would be good.” I dropped my hands, discreetly trying to wipe my palms on the fabric of my shorts as I led her into the living room. She took a seat on the couch and watched me.
“Can I get you something to drink?”
She shook her head. “No, thank you.”
Although I’d thought I was prepared for this conversation, I was not. She looked so angelic sitting there. Then the smirk rose up on her face and I realized that I was staring. “Tanner, come sit down,” she said, patting the seat next to her.
Rubbing the back of my neck, I walked over and sat down. She turned to face me. “Danielle, I—”
Her hand flew up to stop me. “How long?”
“For about two months now.” I closed my eyes, afraid to see the look on her face, when a small hand rested on my leg.
“You should have told me.”
“I know.”
“Tanner, please look at me.” When I opened my eyes, I noticed the flush that stained her cheeks. “Earlier, when you kissed me, I wasn’t ready for it. You surprised me, and up until that moment I’d never consciously thought about you in that way.” She sighed. “I guess what I’m saying was that kiss was a wake-up call for me. I knew that your presence in my life was like a breath of fresh air, but when you left me at my apartment after kissing me, I realized what I’d told you the other day was true—I really don’t know what I’d do without you in my life. This whole situation scares me more than I can put into words, but I want to try. If you can forgive me for the way I acted before—and you still want me—I’ll push my fears aside to be with you. Just like my heart is telling me to.”
Besides the part about her being afraid, this was everything I wanted to hear. “Why are you afraid? I won’t hurt you.”
Her eyes welled up. “I know you’d never hurt me intentionally, but you have a job that puts you in harm’s way every day. And that’s not even taking into consideration the fact that you guys have been home too long. It’s only a matter of t
ime before they deploy you again.”
Cupping her face with my hands, I brushed away her tears with my thumbs. “You’re right, we have been home a long time. There are never any guarantees in life and I won’t make promises that I can’t keep, but what I do know is that when we get closer to deploying, the medics are pulled out for field training. That hasn’t happened yet. We can take this slow and hopefully, over time, I can help you overcome your fear.”
“Okay,” she whispered, and the softest smile tugged at her lips.
That simple word sent a shiver down my spine. Once again I leaned down to connect her lips with mine. And just like before in the entryway, her kiss robbed me of all thoughts of deployments and fears. All I could do was touch, taste, and smell her. Her scent wrapped around me, drawing me closer to her, and when she slid her hand up my chest and around the back of my neck I was lost.
I pulled free of the kiss. I’d just promised her we’d take it slow, and to be perfectly honest I was happy just to sit there with her in my arms, knowing that she felt the same way about me that I felt about her. She gave me an odd look when my lips left hers.
“I just want to hold you in my arms for a little while and talk if that’s okay with you.” She snuggled into my embrace and tucked her head under my chin, which was answer enough. “I’m sorry I drove away from you earlier. I just didn’t know what to say.”
“It’s okay, Tanner. The outcome wasn’t all that bad…was it?” I answered his slight smile with one of my own.
Just like the other day in her room, she fit perfectly against my side. All of this was more than I could have asked for. But there was one thing I was still curious about. “What changed your mind and made you come here?”
“Well, that’s an interesting story. After you left, I went inside trying to figure out what had happened. I needed someone to talk to so I called Marissa and asked if I could come over. There I am, sitting on her couch worried that you wouldn’t want to see me again after what happened, and when I said something about it, a male voice came from the kitchen, saying you’d want to see me.”
Who would have known that I’d want to see her no matter what?
“Who was it?”
“Colin.”
“Colin? Wait…Colin and Marissa?” That was an interesting combination.
“Tell me about it. It threw me a little, but I was too worried about coming here and you throwing me off the porch, telling me you never wanted to see me again, to dwell on it.”
“I can promise you there is nothing you could ever do to make me say that.”
I didn’t think it was possible but she snuggled in even closer than before. We talked just like we did every other time we’d spent together. It was probably why neither of us saw what was happening between us until it smacked us in the face. We were already so comfortable with each other and so our relationship wouldn’t be like those first weeks of dating someone new because we already knew all the little things. This was going to be more like starting in the middle. Learning how to cope with each other’s quirks.
About twenty minutes later both of our phones went off at the same time. Mine was buzzing around on the coffee table and Danielle’s came from somewhere in her pocket.
“I have a guess as to who that is,” she laughed.
Knowing that Marissa and Colin were together tonight, it was pretty obvious. She eased out of my arms and dug into her back pocket and I leaned forward to grab mine from the table just as she flipped her screen around to face me. Marissa was highlighted on the screen. I looked down at mine to see that it was Colin. Surprise, surprise. Out of pure curiosity I swiped my finger across the screen to read his message.
You’re welcome were the only words and he was right—I did owe him for getting Danielle to come over here, although, I didn’t think there were enough words to express my gratitude. Every day for the last two months I’d convinced myself that nothing would ever happen between us, and so to have Danielle in my arms, willing to try a relationship with me, was more than I could have hoped for.
Danielle’s giggled drew my attention.
“What’s so funny?”
“Those two are ridiculous. Marissa wants credit for this.”
“Just let her have it otherwise you’re going to end up spending the next hour and a half arguing it out with her when I’d much rather spend that time with you. Besides, we both know what really happened.”
“You’re so right.” Her thumbs flew over the keys, sending Marissa the message, and then she placed the phone in her back pocket and leaned back against me.
We talked for a while longer until, by chance, I caught sight of my watch and realized the time. “Please don’t feel like I’m telling you to leave, but it’s past midnight and I know you have to work tomorrow. What do you want to do?”
“Oh my God! Is it that late? I still need to get my car from Marissa’s. They dropped me off. Do you mind driving me over there?”
“Not in the least,” I said, kissing the top of her head. It felt amazing to be able to do that now. “Can I take you to dinner tomorrow? Well, I guess it’s technically tonight?”
“I like the sound of that, but for now I need to go home and get some sleep. I’m still catching up from the other night.”
My brows drew together. “What happened the other night?”
Her eyes darted away from mine. “I had a lot on my mind Saturday night, plus, I knew something was wrong with you, I just didn’t know what it was. I was worried.”
Saturday night. I wanted to groan in frustration. “I find I keep having to apologize to you lately. I’m sorry I worried you, but now you know what was wrong. I just wasn’t sure what to say to you. The last few weeks it’s been turning me inside out to be around you. The feel of you in my arms that night made me yearn for all that I thought I couldn’t have and after spending the whole week before that so close to you, I just couldn’t handle it anymore. If I’d have known what day it was, I would have put my ridiculous feelings aside and stayed for you.”
“Your feelings aren’t ridiculous. At this moment, I happen to think you have quite good taste.” She smiled. “I should have told you why I was so determined to move on Saturday. I have to say it now makes complete sense why I wanted your opinion on the apartment before I rented it. At the time I didn’t understand it. All I knew was I couldn’t choose without knowing which one you liked better.”
I squeezed her a little tighter. “That makes me feel very important.” Standing up, I reached out my hand to help her up.” Come on, let’s get you home to bed.”
Before we left I sent a message back to Colin, to let him know we were on our way to collect Danielle’s car but as we hopped in my truck my phone vibrated.
Colin: Already at her place. Keys are in her mailbox.
“Damn, that makes life easy,” I said, starting the car.
“What is it?”
“They already dropped your car off at your apartment and put the keys in your mailbox.”
“That was really nice of them.” The interior lights were low but I could still see the smile on her face, the angle of her cheeks bones, the curve of her jaw. Even in the dim lighting she was absolutely stunning and the thought that she was mine was unreal, even as I reached over and ran my hand down her arm, linking her fingers with mine. I wasn’t ready to let her go, but knew we both needed some sleep after the events of the day. I also needed time to process that this was all really happening.
Pulling up at her apartment building, I had a strange sense of déjà vu. This time, however, I planned on walking her to her door and kissing her goodnight instead of driving away in a huff. When she noticed me getting out of the car she tried to stop me.
“You don’t need to walk me to my door. I’m fine.”
“It’s dark and it’s late, plus, I want my good-night kiss.”
“You can have your good-night kiss now.”
“Please let me walk you to your door? It’ll make me feel better.�
�
Finally she relented and I followed her to the door of her apartment. She used her mailbox key to retrieve her car keys first. Before she had a chance to turn the lock of her front door, I spun her to face me. I opened my mouth over hers in a possessive kiss that robbed us both of our breath. Her mouth responded immediately, our tongues dueling for control. When my body started demanding more, I pulled out of the kiss, lifting my hand, I ran my thumb along her swollen bottom lip.
“Dream about me tonight?”
“Only if you promise to dream about me.”
Truth time. I took her hands in mine. “I dream about you every night.”
Even in the dim light of the porch I could see the flush creep up her cheeks as she leaned forward to place a kiss on my cheek.
“Good-night, Tanner.”
“Good-night, sweetheart. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Once she was safely in her apartment I made my way back to my truck, feeling like things had finally started to turn in my favor. Colin had been right, and if I could have been sure he was home from Marissa’s, I’d have called to tell him that.
Going to bed that night felt a million times better than Saturday. As much as I wanted to forge ahead with every thought that had crossed my mind over the last two months, Danielle needed time to adjust. It would be hard, but for Danielle, I could do slow. Ever since she’d walked into my life—or should I say, I walked into hers—everything I did revolved around her wants and needs. It was possible that I was already half in love with her and, if not, it wouldn’t take long for it to happen. Tonight was the first night that every smile was genuine—the fake smiles, the ones she so frequently flashed to make people believe she was happy, conspicuous in their absence. Instead, she’d been happy, relaxed, and I was going to take credit for it. She made my world spin on its axis.
But her fear that something might happen to me remained, and only time would help her overcome it. I wouldn’t lie to her and say that nothing was ever going to happen to me because that was something I had no control over. I would, however, do my best to put her mind at ease and when we eventually did get deployed again, I would do everything in my power to make it as easy for her as possible. My mind flashed back to her on my doorstep tonight, asking me to kiss her again and as a smile that tested the boundaries of my facial muscles crossed my face I drifted to sleep, remembering the feel of her lips on mine.
Letters Home Page 17