‘Did Mummy send this for you?’ I whisper. She reaches out for it and I give it to her. Her little fingers close around the wool happily. I watch her in a sort of daze. Maybe Willow went back to the flat? Maybe she guessed where I’d be and this is her way of telling me she wants me to come home? Cryptic, admittedly. But then Willow’s behaviour has hardly been straightforward these last couple of days.
I ask Mum if she could watch Zara and she’s thrilled. I go to the bathroom upstairs and splash cold water over my face. OK, think, Dustin, think. If Willow delivered this by hand maybe she’s still in New Haw?
I check my phone. No messages but perhaps she’s waiting for me to make the next move now. I call her.
No answer.
Then I call Naomi.
‘Hey, Dustin, you OK? Any news?’
Not the response I was hoping for.
‘Um, no, not yet. Listen, Naomi, are you still at the flat?’
‘Yes, they let me work from home today. I said I was keeping an eye on things for you.’
‘Has Willow been back?’
There’s a pause before she answers.
‘No, Dustin,’ she says quietly. ‘No one has been back.’
I can feel my breath getting caught in my throat. Stay in control. ‘When did you get there again?’
‘After work yesterday.’
I left the flat in the morning, about eight a.m. I had walked around town with the pushchair for a good hour and a half trying to psych myself into getting on that train. If Naomi didn’t get there until the evening that means there was a good window of over ten hours when no one was in the flat. Which means …
‘Oh my God. I think Willow has been back, I think she came back to the flat. OK, Naomi, I need to get back to Brighton. I’m leaving now, so I’ll—’
‘Woah.’ Naomi has to raise her voice to cut through my babbling. ‘Dustin, calm down, I don’t understand what you’re talking about.’
‘Naomi, she has been there. Maybe when you were at work yesterday. Zara has this baby blanket – Willow actually knitted it for me years ago, but Zara adores it. Well, I accidentally left it at the flat … ’
‘Yeah … ’
‘And I just found it on the doorstep here. And Willow must have brought it – who else knows where to come? Honestly, Naomi, I’m telling you … ’
‘Dustin, I—’
‘Because I left the blanket at the flat yesterday morning.’ I am aware that I’m shouting like a madman but am powerless to stop myself. ‘So Willow must have come back to the flat, realised where I was and—’
‘Hey, Dust—’
‘And known how much Zara would miss the blanket. I mean she’s not answering my calls, but maybe if I came back—’
‘Dustin!’ she shouts, shutting me up. When she speaks next her voice is calm and controlled. ‘It’s OK. Look, if she went and posted it, that might mean she’s in the area. OK?’ I nod my head, forgetting she can’t see me. ‘I mean it’s a bit weird, I don’t see why she wouldn’t just talk to you. But honestly, I don’t know if coming back here and waiting around for her is the best thing for you. I honestly think you’ll drive yourself crazy here, and at least where you are you have your mum to help with Zara. Look, you stay there, stay with your family. I’ll stay here, and I’ll let you know. I’ll stay here for the rest of the week while you try to work out what to do. Stay calm, OK? If you need me to come see you let me know. OK?’
I swallow heavily. ‘OK.’ Now that she says it, the thought of pacing up and down the Brighton flat on my own for who knows how long till Willow comes back isn’t that appealing.
‘Work is fine with me working remotely for a bit; they’ve also said you can do whatever works best for you. Like, if in a couple of days you want to work from New Haw or something.’
‘I can’t even think about work.’
‘OK, but—’
‘I can’t.’
I hang up. I know I’ve just been a dick to Naomi. And she’s doing me a massive favour at the end of the day. Guilty, I tap out a text to her:
Sorry, still feeling kind of overwhelmed with everything. Hugely appreciate you being there.
Her reply comes back instantly.
Don’t worry at all. I’ll let you know if I hear anything from Willow x
‘I don’t care. I don’t want him living here.’ My sister’s voice booming from her bedroom greets me as soon as I open the bathroom door.
‘Alicia—’
‘No, I don’t want him here. Two years, Elliot. Two years!’
‘I know, but, like, you’ve got to think about your mum.’
‘Oh, don’t bring Mum into this, it’s obvious why Mum is pretending things are OK.’
‘I know, I’m just saying, I mean he is still your brother.’
‘Yeah, that doesn’t change the fact that he’s a selfish arsehole. I don’t care if he broke up with Willow. I just accepted that I wasn’t going to see him ever again and then he decides to pop back into our lives as soon as it suits him. It’s not OK.’
I wonder if that’s what will happen with me and Willow. Just when I accept she’s gone, she will come back. I don’t think so. I won’t ever be able to accept she’s gone.
‘It’s not fair, Elliot, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t deserve for him to cut me out too.’
Elliot doesn’t reply and I’m fairly sure I can hear Alicia crying.
I go to my room and close the door. For the first time I understand how Willow might have felt. I want a magician to do a vanishing act on me. That would be nice right now.
Chapter 16
Willow
Then – September 2017
The college is so much bigger than it appears from the outside. It’s a labyrinth of corridors shooting off from corridors, and they all look the same. I bring up the email on my phone again, the one from my new head of year stating the room number of her office, where I am supposed to go.
Dear Willow,
We’re very much looking forward to welcoming you to Norwood next week. I hope you’ve had a chance to feel settled in New Haw.
Given that you’re joining us halfway through your A-level course I think it might be helpful if you arranged a quick catch-up session with each of your tutors in your first week, just so you can talk through the modules you took in your old college and how you’re feeling about each subject. I can see your AS results were very strong, congratulations, and I hope you will find Norwood a place to build upon your already excellent achievements. Your Design teacher from your last school spoke of you in particularly glowing terms and I’m excited to see what you do with that subject this year.
On your first day, I wonder if you might pop by my office first thing so that we can meet each other and I can talk you through your timetable. My office is Room 3:05 on the third floor.
I also wanted to say that we are aware that circumstances haven’t been easy for you over the last years, but I hope you know you can always talk to me or to your tutors if you need extra support.
With best wishes,
Miss Ingram
It was a nice email – raised a lot of questions in my mind as to exactly what Gran had said to them, but kind. The thing is, I’d much rather have slipped into the back of the classroom, as inconspicuous as possible. But I want to start things off well, and failing to show up to the first appointment with my head of year is not going to be the best start. And I need to ace this year.
Which room is this? 3:08. But I’ve just passed 3:03 and 3:04 and there was no sign of a 3:05. Where the hell is it? I can feel the panic rising again. God, if only Gee or Dustin were here. Breathe, Willow, just …
Two hands grab my shoulder and I jolt and turn round.
It’s Liam. He smiles at me goofily. ‘Hey, Wills. How you finding the college so far?’
‘Scary.’ I exhale. ‘I’m the new girl.’
He shrugs. ‘At least you’re not the one who couldn’t pass last year.’
I nod my
head, trying to count the doors down the corridor: 3:07, 3:09 …
‘Do you need help?’
‘I’m looking for the head of year, Miss In—’
‘Miss Ingram? Yeah, I gotcha, literally just round that corner, turn right and follow the corridor right to the end. The room numbers here are so stupid.’
I look up to him gratefully. ‘Thanks, Liam.’
‘No problem. Now I would stay and take you, but I try to avoid Miss Ingram at all costs.’
‘Oh no, it’s fine, I got it.’
I say goodbye, Liam dashes off, and I head in the direction he pointed. I’m definitely going to be a few minutes late, and I’m also trying to ignore the stupid questions and worries in my head.
Dustin and I kissed. The warmth bubbles in my belly as I think of it again. We kissed. Try to ignore it, Willow. But we kissed, doesn’t that mean something? But then I remember what Gee said Dustin is like. He’s a dater, he’s a flirter, what would he see in me? He probably kisses loads of people.
Now, Willow, what you need to understand is, kisses aren’t a big deal for a lot of people. They don’t mean anything. Don’t overthink it. Stop focusing on the way his lips felt on yours, his hand stroking your hair, your ear, the back of your neck. The tiny goosebumps all over your body. Stop obsessing over it.
I thought he might text after we parted ways last night – he usually does – but no message came. Now I’m worried it’s going to be weird. I don’t want it to be weird, I care about Dustin a lot. He makes me feel like I matter. What if all that is ruined now?
I reach the door with a sign that says ‘Miss Ingram’.
Deep breaths, Willow, deep breaths.
My phone pings.
Good luck today! You’ll be fine! You got this!
It’s Dustin.
I bite my smile away, and knock on the door.
Chapter 17
Dustin
Alicia and Elliott are still arguing and, fed up of hearing myself described as a selfish arsehole over and over again, I eventually go downstairs. Mum is fussing over the hob, Zara’s gurgling happily in her high chair, a bowl of porridge in front of her, and there’s a big spread of breakfast on the table – juice, sausages, bacon, croissants, fruit. Guilt gnaws at my stomach. As much as it pains me to admit, this is just as much the mum I remember as the controlling mum I’ve seethed at over the last few years. Always generous, always going the extra mile. It doesn’t mean she was perfect – far from it – but the way she’s acting now, it makes it harder to remember how we got to me leaving and not coming back for two years. Mum forced me out – that’s the way I saw it at the time. I felt like I had no other option.
A thought hits me. Is that how Willow felt? Like I’d left her no other option? But that can’t be right – when I left Mum behind I wasn’t happy. Willow and I were happy. Weren’t we?
‘Mum, you didn’t need to,’ I say, motioning to the food, sitting down in the seat next to Zara’s high chair and stroking her cheek absent-mindedly. We used to have breakfast together, if I had time before work. The three of us, Zara usually on Willow’s lap after refusing to settle in her high chair and pushing her porridge onto the floor. I would cook eggs, make us both a coffee. Little normal things you take for granted. My heart hurts. Stop thinking about it, it does no good.
‘It was no effort,’ Mum lies, popping the kettle on. ‘Coffee?’
‘I’m all right, thanks, Mum.
‘Oh, don’t act like you can begin to understand, Elliott!’ Alicia is shouting so loud now that even from the kitchen we can hear every word, crystal clear. ‘You have no idea what it’s like to have a brother just abandon you for years.’
‘Tea?’
‘No, thanks.’
Mum pauses, as if my answers have ruined her plan, before she awkwardly sits down opposite me.
‘I should probably see what Alicia and … ’ Mum begins but with almost impeccable timing, Alicia stomps into the kitchen. She’s dressed in black jeans, red boots and an oversized jumper. I follow her eyes to the spread on the table, to Mum, to Zara, while she studiously avoids looking in my direction. ‘Staying for breakfast, Lis?’ Mum says, as if we hadn’t both heard her screaming the house down just moments before.
Alicia glances at me. ‘No, I’m late for college,’ she mumbles, before walking out the room and shouting up the stairs for Elliot.
I turn to Mum, confused. ‘Alicia’s still at college?’
Mum nods, clutching a cup of tea between her hands. ‘She’s retaking her A-levels.’
Oh. Alicia was always so good at school. A straight-A student. What happened there? And how does someone who still goes to college meet a twenty-eight-year-old like Elliot?
‘And Elliot is a personal trainer, they met at the gym.’
Did Mum read my mind?
Mum stares at her untouched breakfast. I have zero appetite, so I decide to help by trying to spoon Zara some porridge, but she turns her face away.
‘Mum … I’m sorry me coming back has made things difficult.’
Mum tuts. ‘Don’t be silly. I’m so happy to see you both.’ She wants to say something else but is holding back. Now that really isn’t like the Mum I know.
‘Is something wrong?’ I ask her.
Mum stutters slightly, clearly nervous about what she has to say. ‘I just … I just wanted to check that Willow is OK? That she isn’t missing her little girl.’
I look down awkwardly. Mum is trying to be subtle. She wants to know more, but she’s failing at not making it obvious. I can’t tell Mum the truth, but I need to give her something so that she doesn’t pester me with questions. ‘We thought it’d be best for me to look after Zara for now, because I quit my job, so I have the time. And she’s away for a couple of weeks. She just wanted to clear her head.’
That sounds plausible. I’m hoping this will buy me a little bit of time.
Mum nods her head like she totally understands, and is OK with that lack of information. ‘So quitting your job was unrelated to breaking up with Willow?’
‘Yeah, bad timing.’ Another lie. ‘My head’s just a bit of a mess, and I really need to work some things out.’ Not so much of a lie. ‘So I came home to do that. I’m sorry it seems like you’re my second option, or if it seems like I’m using you guys … ’
Mum reaches across the table and places her hand on my shoulder. ‘We’re family, family comes first, we will always be here,’ she says firmly. ‘You can stay as long as you like. I’m just glad you thought of us.’
She smiles appreciatively and I nod, pretending it had all been my idea, that I had every intention of turning to them before the police, people at work, and Georgia practically forced me to go see my family.
‘Family is for ever, Dustin.’
She takes my plate and sets about filling it, whilst I feel a little sick thinking about the last time I heard her say that.
Chapter 18
Willow
Then – November 2017
I’m doing very well at Graphics, I’m doing well in English Lit, not doing so well in Sociology. But it’s OK. I’ve been at Norwood for almost three months, and I’m surviving it. I wouldn’t say I’ve made friends as such. There are people I talk to, and mostly I sit with Liam and his friends at lunch. But outside of college I see Georgia and the rest of the group quite a bit. I see Dustin a lot. I talk to Dustin a lot. All the time, actually.
It’s mid-November, and I’m just coming out of the college gates all bundled up in a coat, and he’s there. Dustin. Leaning against the lamp-post, wearing his coffee shop apron over a thick jumper, grinning at me. I find myself running up and hugging him. This is our routine. Dustin now works in the coffee shop round the corner. Not his forever job, he claims, but apparently it keeps his mum off his back. So he tries to do the shifts that end in time for him to meet me by the gate at four p.m. He looks almost dashing in his stupid coffee shop uniform. He can pull anything off. And then we might see the group, or we migh
t do something just us two, or he’ll walk me home. Dustin is a laid-back guy. Not much of a one for rigid plans.
I don’t know how this happened, but we are here now. I think we’re dating though neither of us has rushed to put a label on it. We just couldn’t stop talking to each other. At first I would go out to the pub with the group, just so I could see him. And then we started doing stuff just us two. And now we see each other nearly every day. I don’t want to think about the situation too much, because it’s a good thing right now, and I know good things don’t last for ever. Which scares me, so I just try to put it in the back of my mind and enjoy it. It’s like Gran is always saying – when you’re walking you can’t look too far behind or too far ahead, otherwise you’ll stumble. I’m not usually very good at following that advice, but there’s something about Dustin that makes me feel different. Stronger. Not fearless, exactly (I don’t think I’ll ever be that), but less fearful certainly. I am a different person when I’m with him.
‘How was your day?’ he asks, taking my hand in his.
‘Good,’ I reply. What I want to say is ‘It was good, but infinitely better now you are here and I wish you were with me every second of the day.’ But even I know that’s too much.
‘I found out when the Reading University open day is,’ I say.
I never thought I’d go to university away from home. When we were in Brighton I always hoped I might go to the university there one day, but when we came to New Haw I faltered. Moving away from Gran into halls full of strangers. I couldn’t imagine anything worse. But my Graphic Design teacher, Mrs Layton, took me aside two weeks into term and told me that I should be seriously thinking about taking design further. Had I thought about further study? So I started thinking about it again. I’ve looked at Winchester, Southampton and Reading. Reading is my favourite. I’m not sure why, the website just connected with me. I could see myself going there.
For the first time ever, it feels as if things are starting to come together in my life. Fragments slotting together to form a whole. And sometimes I feel overwhelmed with excitement and relief at the idea that the future could actually be bright and interesting. But then the guilt sets in. Doesn’t moving on mean moving away? From Brighton, from everything there? I think about my parents. How would they feel at their little girl going to university? Would they be proud?
The Missing Pieces of Me: Discover the novel that will break your heart and mend it again Page 7
