by Claire Adams
At home, I fed and changed Damien, putting him in his crib for a few minutes so I could take a shower and get ready for us to leave. Work had been draining, but I felt a little better after having a shower. I brought Damien into my bedroom and put him on the bed while I got ready.
"What do you think I should wear, bub?" I asked, looking over at him on the bed from my dresser. "What do you think your daddy would like?" He babbled, wiggling on the bed. What was I talking about? This wasn't a date. We weren't there yet. It didn't matter what I put on to go see him. I did want to look nice though; what was wrong with that? After dinner, maybe he'd want to come over and, I don't know, put Damien down for bed. Once he was asleep, I was sure we'd be able to think of something we could do together.
I settled on a coral dress with a halter neckline. I threw a jacket over it and applied some light makeup to my face, then got Damien ready to leave. I got to the restaurant before Jason did: a place in the neighborhood that I had suggested because I could use its proximity to my apartment to suggest that we go back there after, together. The break hadn't been that long, but it had been long enough to miss him, yes, in that way. It felt like we had had a fresh start and I was impressed that he had made the changes that he had in his life just because I had asked him to. Only time would tell what his next moves were, but I could be around him now without worrying that he would blow up.
"You been waiting long?" I heard a voice behind me ask. I had gotten a booth so we wouldn't have to try balance Damien's carrier seat on a chair or on the floor. I turned and saw Jason walking up to me, grinning. I smiled almost automatically. He came up, holding his arms open for me. I let him hug me, loving the way his hard, solid body felt. He kissed my cheek then released me.
"Nope. We just got here," I said, moving so he could see Damien. He smiled down into the carrier seat, unbuckling him and lifting him out of it. I watched, almost hypnotized as he said hi to his son. Damien giggled as Jason cuddled him and kissed him on the cheek.
"I think he missed you," I said, as we sat.
"I missed him," he said, "both of you." We chatted after a server came and took our orders, Damien sitting on Jason's lap.
"How was your trip?" I asked him once we had gotten our meals. Damien, already fed was back in his seat, playing with a stuffed toy.
"It was all right. Took a shorter time than I expected to get everything squared away."
"Squared away?"
"Yeah. Getting everything in storage took the longest, but I wanted to be back here before a week was up."
"Storage?" I asked, confused. What was he talking about? Why did he want to put things in storage?
"Oh, yeah. Didn't I tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
"This is it. I'm not going back," he said smugly. It took me a couple seconds to click.
"What? You're moving?"
"Yeah," he said lightly. "I had to go back to the station, patch up a few things with Vic, but really, the reason I went back was so I could put my penthouse back on the market. Won't be needing it now."
"Jason..." I didn't know what to say. It was so out of the blue. How long had he been thinking about moving? He hadn't said a word about it to me. That was weird, I thought. If he had said something to me, I could have helped him with his apartment search, or getting a realtor here. Who just picked up and moved, just like that? I had asked him to quit his job and he had done that without a second thought, I reminded myself. Quitting your job was one thing; he could get another job. He could get another house too, obviously, but that wasn't the point.
"When were you going to tell me?" I asked.
"That I was moving? I didn't want it to turn into a whole thing when it didn't need to be. You and Damien are here; this is your home. I wanted to be close to the two of you, so I moved," he said, shrugging.
"That simple, huh?" I said. He glanced over at Damien, then back at me.
"Whether it was L.A. or fucking London, I would have gone wherever the two of you were." I nodded, touched that he was taking fatherhood so seriously. It was still a surprise though. When had he been thinking about this, or had he just not? It wasn't encouraging if this had been a shotgun decision for him.
"Still a big decision. I wish you had told me," I said.
"I'm telling you now. Would you have told me not to do it?"
"No, that's not it," I said, pausing. "Do you already have somewhere to live here? When did you have time to get an apartment?"
"I didn't. Everything this past week or so has happened pretty fast. I was hoping I'd get to stay with you."
"What?"
"I just figured, with Damien and everything it would make sense." My jaw dropped.
"Are you kidding me? And just when did you figure all this out?" I demanded indignantly.
"Whoa, Shel, I didn't mean to make you upset."
"Is that why you didn't say anything about moving here? Your plan all along was to move in with us? Jason, it's only been a few weeks; why would you think about something like that? Why would you even plan that without telling me anything first?"
"I didn't realize it would be a problem."
"Because you assumed it wouldn't instead of talking to me first. My god, Jason," I said, getting up.
"Shelby, please,"
"Is this your fucking idea of taking it slow?" I asked, grabbing Damien's carrier seat.
"Shelby, I'm sorry. Sit. Let's talk about it."
"Now you want to talk? No, Jason, it's too late. Don't come by the house again."
"Shel, please." I ignored him, coming out of the booth and making a beeline for the exit. I couldn't believe the nerve of that guy. Shouldn't you have seen this coming, Shelby, I thought darkly. Nobody just reforms overnight. I had thought that that entitled attitude had come from his job making him believe that he was the shit. Guess it hadn't. That was just who he was. Good thing he had shown me sooner rather than later.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jason
Shelby walked out of the restaurant. I was stunned, for a little bit I wasn't sure that it had actually happened. The conversation we had just had made no sense. What was the problem? I still didn't know. I had just been telling her that I was moving to L.A. to be with her and our boy and she had completely lost her shit, walking out on me.
What the hell? Didn't she want me to be there? Didn't she want me to be part of Damien's life? She was supposed to be happy that I had taken the step to make Damien, and her, both of them permanent parts of my life. I had had to ask about Damien. She probably would have kept him a secret for the rest of his life. So what? She didn't actually want me to be part of the picture? She had just done what she had, introduced us and let me start being part of his life so that she could rip him away from me whenever she wanted?
I deserved to be part of his life, and I wanted him to be part of mine. Had this been her plan the whole time? Wait till I fell in love with the kid then keep him away from me whenever the two of us disagreed? My mind was racing. I was confused, but most of all I was pissed. This hadn't been the way that this was supposed to play out. She was meant to be happy. We were supposed to be a family; wasn't it obvious by this point to her that that was what I wanted?
This was Shelby we were talking about. She had hidden the fact that I was a father from me on purpose for three months, a year if I counted the time that she had been pregnant knowing it was mine. Maybe I shouldn't have expected her to realize that it was the right thing for us. If she was really all about what was the best thing for Damien, why didn't she realize that the only thing standing in the way of that best thing was her?
Frustrated, I threw my card down to pay the bill and took my phone out. He took too long to answer.
"Hey, Jase? What's up?" Lake asked. There was noise in the background; it didn't sound like he was at his place. If he was, then there was a riot going on outside.
"Lake? Where the hell are you?"
"Whoa, slow down, did something happen?" he asked.
"Just tell me where you are, I'm coming over," I said. He told me. He was at a club in North Hollywood, a strip club. Lake was fond of those, had been ever since I had met him. Back when we were in college, there was this one club I had joined him going to a few times. It wasn't even really a strip club. The waitresses wore low cut tops and short shorts and TVs all around the room played hardcore porn so you could enjoy a gangbang while you ate plates of shitty, greasy food.
I didn't really get it, but maybe he had to have a 3-D experience to have a good time. Maybe some guys were like that. I didn't really see the appeal of getting a boner in a room full of guys who also had boners with a bunch of women you weren't allowed to touch anyway. I didn't judge Lake for his interests. I didn't care where we were going; I just had to talk to him.
The thumping music and flashing lights when I walked into the club reminded me why I didn't make partying a habit. Maybe I was getting too old for the shit. If that was it, then I would be more than happy to pack it in. The scene, drugs, and bottles, and girls stayed interesting for only a certain amount of time. Then you grew up, and your body made the decisions for you. The place was a strip club, but the space had been hired out for a private party. There were women on the stage dancing on the poles, topless, but there were women in the crowd; typically the strip club crowd was almost totally men.
There were people at the booths and tables drinking and lounging, pretending to be having a good time. If they weren't, a lot of them were probably too high to care. I looked for Lake, he had said that he'd be at one of the bars. There were two, one at either end of the rectangular room. Spotting him, I made my way towards one of the bars. He wasn't alone; he was chatting to a woman sitting next to him, a thin, model-type girl in a short dress with a plunging neckline. Not his type, I thought. For a one-night stand, sure, but not a girl he was trying to call his girlfriend for the next two years. He noticed me coming up behind them.
"Hey, Lake, I need to talk," I said, cutting to the chase.
"Are you—”
"Yeah, this is Jason. Jason Bowman," Lake said to the woman. She smiled at me, offering her hand for me to shake. I forced a smile and shook it.
"You didn't say that you knew each other. And you," she turned to me, "I had no idea you were in L.A. Relocated?" she asked. Getting a closer look at her, she had that tight face that people got from plastic surgery. It wasn't ugly. Obviously some people found it attractive. All that Botox was probably useful for reading the news, I thought absently. Didn’t even have to think about your poker face; it was already there.
"You could say that. Hey. Lake, I need to—”
"Why don't you sit down?" the woman said.
"Thanks, but—”
"Jason? Jason Bowman?"
I turned and saw a pair of blonds smiling at me. Jesus fucking Christ, not now. I didn't need hungry women looking for a night with Jason Bowman. Usually, I never complained about what my name and position would get me. The harsh truth was yeah, it was nice when people knew your name. They did shit for you and women, many of them were more than willing to come home with you, even if you didn't buy them a drink first. Today though, I was wishing nobody knew who the fuck I was.
"Hey, you two done?" I asked Lake, pointedly.
"Are you here alone tonight?" the first blond asked. They were almost twins, not that they looked related, but their outfits, hair, makeup, everything was similar enough to swap one out for the other. Tonight, they were out of luck. I wasn't looking. I heard Lake telling the woman he had been talking to that he'd see her later and he finally got up.
"Sorry, not tonight," I said to them. They started to complain, but Lake had started walking away. I followed after him.
"Where are we going?" I asked. He yelled over the noise that we could get a private booth. We made our way through the crowd to an empty one where we sat. The booth was quieter, as quiet as this place could possibly get without the music being turned off.
"What happened?" Lake asked me.
"It's Shelby."
"Already?"
"What do you mean, already?" I said, getting defensive.
"Why do I have a feeling that it’s not her, it’s you?"
"Do you want to hear it or not?"
"Fine, tell me."
"I flew back in today. We met up for dinner earlier. I told her what I had been doing the past few days in New York, packing up, selling my house and whatever. When I told her that I was moving here permanently to be with her and the baby, she lost her shit." He raised his brows.
"Really? Why? What did she say?"
"She said that I should have told her my plans first. I fucking wanted to surprise her. What the hell?"
"Wait, that doesn't make sense. Didn't she want you to be part of the kid's life?"
"Doesn't look like it. That was what I had thought too. We spent like five days together before I left, just us and the baby. It was great. The day before I left, she practically jumped me when the baby went down for his nap. I don't get it. How could she have changed just like that?"
"Did you get a chance to say something to her?"
"Not a word. She got up and stormed out, right in the middle of dinner after I had told her that I wanted to live with them."
"Hold up; you said what? That you wanted to live with her?"
"I figured it would make the most sense with the baby. Whenever I would come to visit, I'd leave after he went down for the night. If we lived together—”
"You didn't say that you wanted to live with her."
"Why wouldn't I?"
"I get why you would, but, Jase, did you tell her all this?"
"I wanted to surprise her, tell her after I had already taken care of everything in New York."
"You didn't think maybe she wanted to hear that you were planning on moving into her house?" he asked.
"My plan was for us to be together; why would she be mad now? I mean, I quit my job, sold my house, and moved across the country; what did she think was going to happen next?" Lake sat back, shaking his head.
"Wow," he said simply, looking away and catching a waitress's attention. He asked for two whiskeys, straight. "You really don't know what you did, do you?"
"What are you talking about?" I snapped. Our drinks came, and he pushed mine over to me.
"Congratulations, Jason. You did it again. You managed to circle back all the way to caveman again."
"What?"
"You want to be in your kid's life, that's great. There are a lot of guys who run as fast as they can in the other direction when they find out that they had a kid they had no idea about. Here was your mistake though: Shelby, what did she say when you asked her to move into her place?"
"She said no."
"No, that's what she said when you told her that you wanted to move into her place. Did you ask her whether she wanted to take that step with you or did you just assume that she did and spring it on her?"
"I didn't have to ask her after the days that we spent together. It was obvious."
"Clearly not," he pointed out.
"She wants me. I know she does. After that day at the park?"
"Okay, but how about this: just because she lets you sleep with her, doesn't mean she's ready to have you living in her house. One doesn't equal the other."
"I don't get it. Why?"
"Well, shit. I don't know,” he said sarcastically, “maybe because you two never actually dated. Maybe because it's been, how long did you say? A year since you were last together? A lot changes in a year, Jason. Maybe she's just not ready. She's not comfortable enough having you at her place, and that's it. She doesn't have to have a reason. It's just not time for her yet." I ran my hands through my hair, cursing.
"Fuck... fuck, I didn't ask her first."
"Yeah, you didn't."
"I fucked up."
"Yeah," he said, "you did."
"What do I do?"
"The obvious answer is talk to Shelby. Besides that, stop making decisions for h
er, not about the big stuff like that. Remember that in the year you were gone, she was probably doing just fine. She probably doesn't want some guy barging into her life, whether he's her baby daddy or not."
"Fuck, I'm an idiot."
"Yeah, I know. Drink up," he said. I picked my glass up and drained it.
"You think she'll ever talk to me again?"
"Don't be dramatic, Jase," he said. "Dealing with you, she probably anticipated a fuck up."
"Fuck you."
"Just talk to her, like a normal person. Apologize and don't do it again. That's how it usually works." I waved to get the waitress over to us again and ordered two more whiskeys.
"I can't call her tonight. She was too mad."
"Yeah, give her time to cool off." Our drinks came, and Lake picked his up.
"To you and Shelby making up," he said, holding his glass up. I picked mine up and clinked it with his, downing it all in one gulp.
"Let's hope I can do it again."
My head ached so much, I had to take a minute before trying to open my eyes. I had said the last time that I had done this that it would be the last time. Here I was, again. What time was it? Where was I? I opened my eyes and closed them again, covering my face with my hands. Fuck. I groped around the bed blindly for wherever I had thrown my phone the night before. When had I gotten back?
Okay, I had to do something. I sat up, slowly. The rest of my body ached with my head. I squinted, looking around the room, spotting my phone on the floor where it had fallen out of the pocket of my pants. I moved slowly across my hotel room to get it and look at the time. Ten fifty-four. Great, so, bright and early, then. I swear to god, this is it, I thought. No fucking more. None of this shit.
