by Claire Adams
“There's a picture of Olivia and Jeannie on the table in Jeannie's hallway,” Buck quickly told me. “I saw it every time I went inside to get paid. Jeannie was adamant that I not track dirt into the house, and there wasn't much else to look at while I was waiting for her to come back with her purse.” He paused. “It's the two of them at the beach, wearing swimsuits. You could see Olivia's tattoo in that, but she was facing away from the camera.”
It just might be the truth, at last, I realized. But if it was the truth, I felt horrible for accusing Olivia of lying to me. “So you never slept with her?” I asked, needing to confirm it.
“I never slept with her,” Buck insisted. He gave a short laugh. “Are you kidding? She wouldn't have slept with me. She's only had eyes for you, ever since she moved to Tamlin. Everyone in town knows it.”
I swallowed hard, not even wanting to consider the truth of that last part of his statement. The more pressing matter was that I doubted she could ever forgive me for not believing her. Trust was such a key part of a relationship. But it went beyond my believing that she had slept with someone else; I hadn't supported her when she'd told me that she was pregnant, either. Instead, I'd accused her of being pregnant with another man's child.
I felt sick, just thinking about the emotional turmoil she had been going through.
“I have to go back inside,” I told Buck. Strangely enough, I didn't feel angry at him, as I might have expected that I would. I couldn't even find it in me to be mad at Georgia, even though, once again, she had been meddling in my private affairs.
I remembered how she had shown up to my office that day that I had had Emma there. How she had shown up there again right after Olivia had told me that she was pregnant. She must have been watching my office, just waiting for Olivia to show up there. I wondered wildly whether Georgia knew that Olivia was pregnant, but despite the somewhat stalkerish way that Georgia seemed to go about things, I doubted she could know that. I hadn't heard any whispering around the town about it, and I assumed I would, as soon as Georgia knew. She would want to make certain that we knew the baby was Buck's.
Only it wasn't Buck's baby. It had to be mine.
I shook my head. This time, she had gone too far. But as with Buck, I didn't feel angry. I would need to have words with the woman, to let her know that this wasn't okay, but instead, I mostly felt numb. My worry for Olivia seemed to have taken over everything. I gave Buck one last look and then headed back inside, already trying to figure out what I could say to Olivia. I knew that I couldn't confront her there, not in front of everyone else.
In fact, this probably wasn't the time to talk to her about Buck's revelation. She was already dealing with her grief; I shouldn't make her deal with this drama on top of that. But watching her move around the room, seeming like she might burst into tears at any moment, I didn't know if I could continue to leave her alone when she was so obviously in need of comfort.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Olivia
As the reception dragged on, I started to feel more and more exhausted. It didn't help that I hadn't been sleeping well these past few days. I couldn't help but remember how well I had slept in Eric's arms, how gentle he'd been with me. But he seemed intent on not letting that happen again. I knew it was just that he thought I was in love with someone else, but I didn't know how to communicate to him how badly I needed him to comfort me.
It also didn't help that my heels were digging into my feet. I only had one pair of black shoes, and they weren't the most practical ones for standing around in all day. I regretted wearing them, but everything had happened so fast, and there hadn't been time to go out and find another pair. It was difficult and taxing enough to try to find a dress that fit me. It sounded stupid, but the process of shopping for a black dress that I could wear to my mom's funeral had reduced me to tears more than once, and I had a feeling it was going to be a while before I could face another changing room.
I grimaced just thinking about it.
On top of all that, there was also the emotional wear of the day. The ceremony had been beautiful, but hearing all those stories about Mom during her better times had been taxing. She'd been such a wonderful mother, neighbor, colleague, teacher. It was hard to believe that a couple of her students who had been in her classes over a decade ago, and whom she'd kept in close contact with, had cared so deeply for her that they had shown up to her funeral. They'd all had kind words to say about her.
Now, having to thank everyone for coming was adding to my stress. It seemed as though the whole town had turned out, and rather than saying a blanket 'thank you' to all of them, I felt obligated to thank each and every one of them personally. Mom had always been a stickler for etiquette. Not that I knew what proper etiquette was when it came to a funeral.
Nor did I know how much longer I could hold it together. It seemed like they were all watching me carefully, as though I were a fragile piece of glass. Everyone was expecting me to break down at any moment. I tried to hold it together, as best as I could, but I had a feeling I was going to need to excuse myself to the restroom soon, to have a moment to myself.
I had to get through the event. I'd give myself just a moment in the restroom, and then I'd come right back out.
Suddenly, just as I made that decision and started to move toward the door, Eric appeared beside me, his hand warm against my elbow as he steered me outside. “What's going on?” I asked him, shocked that he had come to speak to me at all. From the way he'd been looking at me in the reception hall, I had thought that he wasn't going to, especially not after he'd seen Buck come up and give his condolences.
“I'm taking you home,” Eric said gruffly, steering me toward his car.
“But I haven't finished thanking everyone,” I protested.
“I'm sure they'll all understand,” Eric said exasperatedly. Then, his tone softened as he gave me a searching look. “You look like you're about to collapse. When was the last time you had anything to eat?”
I winced, a guilty look stealing across my face, but he just smiled gently at me. “Come on,” he said. “I know Christina and Margaret, and some of your mom's other friends, arranged to have food sent directly to your place rather than to the reception. I'm sure you'll feel better once you get something warm into you. I noticed you didn't touch the buffet at the reception.”
He opened the car door for me, and I sighed and collapsed into the seat as though all my strings had been cut. I knew that I should eat, but I didn't really feel like it at the moment. Nor did I feel like fighting him on it, though. I was just grateful to him for getting me out of there, whatever the reason.
The first thing I did was bend down and take off those shoes. Eric smiled at me as he got in, watching what I was doing. But he didn't comment, instead driving silently back to my house. I concentrated on my breathing, trying my best to not go to pieces on him again.
I wanted to ask him why he was doing this, why he had again come to my rescue, just like he had at the hospital. But I didn't want to hear that it was just his duty as a doctor to make sure that I got home okay, that I didn't faint with exhaustion.
Some secret part inside of me wanted it to be more than just kindness spurring him on. Some secret part of me wanted to know that he was here because he loved me as much as I loved him.
I blushed, hardly believing that I had even thought those words to myself. Not now, not at such an inappropriate time. Besides, Eric had made it clear that he couldn't love me. He didn't even believe that the baby was his.
Back at the house, he again led me inside. He sat me down on the couch. “I'm going to go get you a glass of water,” he said gently. He grinned. “I'd get you something stronger, but I wouldn't want it to have any negative effect on our baby.”
I stared incredulously up at him, wondering if I had just heard him correctly. Wondering if that was just a Freudian slip. “Our baby?” I asked.
Eric looked momentarily stricken and then sat down next to me on the sofa,
moving carefully, as though he was afraid of frightening me. He ran a hand back through his hair. “Shit,” he muttered under his breath. “I know that this is the last thing that you want to talk about right now.”
“What is?” I asked, confusion flaring inside of me.
“I have to apologize to you,” he said quietly. “I know that this isn't the right timing, but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for doubting you, and for believing other people over you. I thought that what I overheard Buck saying at the gas station was true, even though you told me multiple times that you had never slept with him, and even though there was no reason for you to lie about it.”
He looked down at his hands, carefully considering his words. “Buck came up to talk to me at the reception, not long after he talked to you. He said he feels really bad for having lied about the two of you being together. Apparently, Georgia Witherspoon was behind all of it,” he continued. “She paid Buck to say those things, and Buck knew about the tattoo because of some photo of you and Jeannie on a beach. I should never have believed him, and I feel so stupid.”
I stared at him, not sure what he expected me to say. Was I meant to tell him that it was all right? It had felt like my heart had been shattered the day that he'd refused to believe that it was his baby. I couldn't forgive him just like that.
Despite the fact that it felt so right to hear him say those two simple words: 'our baby.'
“Georgia has been angling to land me ever since Emily died,” Eric said. “I'm sure you know that; everyone in this whole town knows that. I just never realized that she'd go that far with it. I didn't think that she could sink so low.” He paused. “Do you ever think that you'd be able to forgive me?”
I stared down at my hands, twisting my fingers around one another, still not sure what to say. I felt emotionally exhausted. So much had happened over the course of that week. And there was so much to think about, in the future. If he didn't trust me, if Georgia's meddling had managed to break us up before we had even really had a relationship, what kind of future did that foretell for us?
As much as I wanted to believe that we could put the past behind us and start again, I knew I needed to do a lot of thinking before I was ready to do that. And I wasn't in my best state to do that thinking, not right now.
I sighed heavily. “I appreciate the apology,” I said sincerely. “But I need some time. I can't think about all of this right now, not when I'm caught up in everything else.”
“I understand,” Eric said gently. He brushed back a lock of my hair, and I wanted to lean into his touch, craving his comfort. But I knew I couldn't do that right now. “You should get some rest,” Eric continued. “And try to eat some food.”
“I know,” I said, even though I knew that both of those things were nigh on impossible for me at the moment.
“I'll see you soon,” Eric said, standing up and making his departure.
The truth was, I wasn't sure how to feel. I loved Eric, and I was almost desperate to be with him. The idea of raising this child with him at my side made things so much more bearable in my mind. But there was so much between us already. What if he still thought that he couldn't trust me? How would I feel if he believed someone else over me again?
Besides that, there was still his wishy-washy behavior from before, his inability to get over everything with Emily and start fresh with me. I had to believe that Mom's death had opened up that can of worms again and that he must be remembering all over again how difficult it had been for him to get over the loss of his wife. He was probably thinking of her every time he was comforting me.
And looking toward the future, was it at all possible that we could build a life together? The signs didn't look very positive. We'd had a couple of great nights, but it seemed like more often than not, our interactions ended unhappily. Could we even start something knowing that if we broke up, it would be Emma and our unborn child, in addition to the two of us, having to bear the heartache and the weight of disappointment that came along with it?
The whole point of the 'casual' relationship that we'd built had been that neither of us wanted to rush into anything. But it seemed like we couldn't do casual, not if it meant he thought that I was cheating on him.
I did appreciate his apology. But as for forgiving him, that was a much bigger task.
I wanted to think about it, though. Imagine what it would be like, if he and I were raising this child together, with Emma as a big sister. But I knew that if I even thought about it, I was going to try to make that a reality, no matter how bad an idea it might be.
It was all too much to think about, and it was especially frustrating to know that all my thinking would lead me nowhere, not when I was in this state. Finally, even though I knew that I should try to eat some food first, I headed upstairs and fell into bed, barely paused to undress first. I left my dress in a pile on the floor, knowing full well that it would cause irreparable wrinkles in the fabric. It wasn't as though I could ever wear the dress again anyway.
I fell into a fitful sleep, desperate to escape the world. Unfortunately, it followed me into fitful dreams.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Eric
For the rest of the week, I gave Olivia space, even though I knew that she had to be hurting. Even though I knew that, if Buck wasn't in the picture, she must be dealing with this all on her own. I couldn't imagine how difficult that must be for her. I'd felt alone when Emily had died, but Helen had been there every step of the way. She'd helped with making the funeral arrangements, and she'd been there to remind me to eat, even as I was there to remind her to sleep.
And there had been Emma, through all of it. I hadn't had too much time to dwell on the loss of my wife because I'd had an infant daughter who required every spare bit of attention that I had and then some.
I could only imagine how loud Olivia's thoughts had to be, how difficult it must be for her to go about her normal life. Especially since her normal life hadn't returned to normal just yet: I knew for a fact that the daycare was still closed for the time being. I wondered if she was getting to the house at all. I hoped that she was taking care of herself.
I wanted to go by and check up on her, but I knew that I needed to give her her space. I had said everything that I could say to her; it was up to her whether she was able to forgive me or not.
That didn't stop me from sending some of Jeannie's close friends over to check up on her, though.
By Friday, I decided that I couldn't take it anymore, though. I had to do something. I knew that part of the problem in our relationship, whatever it had been, was that I hadn't done a good enough job of showing her just how much I cared for her.
So on Friday afternoon, armed with a proposition, I headed over to her house. I rang the doorbell and then waited anxiously on her front porch.
When she answered the door, it was immediately apparent that she had lost weight, but the shadows beneath her eyes weren't as dark as they might have been. She sighed when she saw me. “Eric, I haven't made any decisions yet,” she warned me. “I've tried thinking about it, but there's just so much going on at the moment that I don't have the energy to figure out what I want.”
“I understand,” I said softly. I paused, cocking my head to the side. “Would you mind if I came inside? I have a proposition that I'd like to discuss with you.”
I was surprised at how readily she stepped back to let me in; I'd expected that I would need to persuade her to let me in. Maybe this would work after all.
I turned to face her and then blushed a little, remembering the last time we'd been together in the hall. “Maybe it would be better if we moved into the living room,” I suggested.
Olivia stared at me for a long moment and then nodded, leading the way.
We sat down together on the couch. “I want you to come away with me for the weekend,” I told her. When she looked as though she might protest, I held up a hand. “Hear me out,” I pleaded.
She continued to stare at me,
but I just paused, waiting for her to answer me. “Okay,” she finally agreed.
I nodded at her. “I want you to come away with me for the weekend,” I repeated. “I think it would do you good to get away from here. Maybe it would clear your head a little so that you could think about this. About the possibility of an us. I want to take you someplace nice, someplace really relaxing.” I paused, and when she didn't say anything, I forged ahead. “You can't make up your mind about if you want to be with me or not unless you know what it would be like,” I told her. “And I haven't done a very good job of showing you that, thus far.”
I couldn't tell what she was thinking, from looking at her face. But she at least seemed to be considering the idea.
“Plus, it would give us a chance just to try this out,” I said quietly. “Emma is fine staying Christina for the weekend.” When her eyes widened, I hurried to explain: “I didn't tell Christina why. I think she thinks it's something to do with Helen. But I wanted to make sure that she was okay with it before I even proposed this.” I shook my head. “Separate rooms and everything. No pressure. But I really would like to pamper you a little. I can only imagine how difficult things have been for you lately. And you are, after all, the mother of my unborn child.”
Olivia frowned, twisting her fingers together just like she had when I'd told her all about Georgia's meddling. “What if I say no?” she asked.
I shrugged as though the thought of her declining didn't worry me, even though really, I could hardly even consider her rejection. “If you don't want to go with me, I'll understand,” I said. “I'm still going to urge you to go anyway, on your own. Like I said, you deserve to be pampered. And if it means that at a later date, you want to try this thing between us, I'll still be very happy. If it means that you never want to be with me, that you can't be with me after the things that I said to you, then I'll understand that.”
