by Claire Adams
There was a knock at my door; it startled me. I grumbled under my breath and got up off the couch. After checking the peephole, I saw that it was Sadie. She had called me back last night, but we only talked for a couple minutes because I couldn’t talk. There was no point. I had been so distraught, she couldn’t understand what I was even saying.
Opening the door, I said, “Hey,” and stepped back to let her in. I went back to my spot on the couch, and she came on inside.
“Hey, Rach. I thought we could go get some lunch.” She was far too cheery for me, to the point of being irritating. It was crazy to me how quickly I’d fallen right back into a deep depression. All it took was one little setback, and I was quickly swept right back into this deep dark hole. A place I hadn’t been able to get out of before. If it hadn’t been for James and Nell, I would have never gotten out of it. And now I didn’t even think I had them anymore, and I had no idea what I was going to do.
“I don’t want to go to lunch, Sadie,” I said to her.
Sitting down next to me on the couch, she picked up the picture my daughter and gave it a kiss. She often did this, and it had always warmed my heart when she did it.
“I know, Rach, but we’re going to do it anyway,” she said. “I want to make sure you’re okay and not slipping into a bad place. And I want to know what happened. I couldn’t hardly understand you last night.”
“I think James and I are done.” It was all I could get out before I was a blubbering mess once again. The tears just poured out of my eyes, though I was surprised I even had any left after all the tears I had shed in the last twenty-four hours.
Sadie patted my back, “Why do you think that?” she said. “What happened?”
“Nell was being bullied at school; remember me telling you?” Once I had calmed down a bit, we could actually have a real conversation.
“Yeah, of course, I remember. What happened?”
“Well, I told her to stick up for herself,” I said. I had to pause for a moment, otherwise, I was going to start crying all over again.
“And? What’s so wrong about that?” Sadie asked, sounding very confused. She was probably feeling the same way that I was yesterday when James had me sitting in his office.
“Well, she did, in spades. She hit another child,” I said.
“Oh boy, so she hit the kid that was bullying her?” Sadie asked.
“Yep, that’s what she did, and James had to go pick her up at school. When he came back, he was furious, and he yelled at me. He told me I had no right, that I wasn’t her mother. That I had no business giving her advice, because I had no idea, because I w-wasn’t a p-parent.” I could barely get the last few words out, and once I did, I surrendered myself into another fit of hysterical sobbing.
My heart was so broken, and James didn’t even know what he had done. I didn’t even know if I could forgive him, even if he did try to come talk to me. I knew it wasn’t his fault completely; he was just trying parent his daughter the best he could on his own. He had no idea what I’d been through. Maybe if I would have told him, he wouldn’t have said it. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so cold and angry. I know at some point I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it still hurt so badly.
Sadie gave me a hug and then I agreed to get ready so we could go to lunch. She said she wasn’t letting me slip away again. I got up off the couch; I wasn’t sure how I did it, but I did. I went into the bathroom and into a hot shower. I cried the whole time I was in the shower, but quietly so Sadie wouldn’t hear. I let the sounds of the water cover it up. After that, I wiped away my tears and got myself dressed and straightened up. Finally ready, I met Sadie back in the living room.
“Shall we?” Sadie asked, heading towards the door.
I nodded my head and followed my friend outside and down to her car, then she drove to a restaurant on the other side of town. One I hadn’t been to in a very long time.
“Thank you for coming out with me,” Sadie said.
“Thank you for dragging me out,” I paused, “I guess.” That made Sadie laugh, and she gave me a kind smile. I didn’t feel much like laughing, though. Because I was telling the truth. I wasn’t certain I wanted to be out of the house. Broken-hearted, I wasn’t ready to face the world. I just wanted to sit on my couch, yet I knew I couldn’t give in to that feeling and let myself slip back into despair again. I’d made so much progress; I couldn’t just let it go.
“I’m serious, Rachel. You need this. You can’t just be moping around your house. We know that’s not going to make anything better. Do you really think you and James are breaking up?” she asked.
I shrugged, and we dropped the subject as a waiter came over to take our orders. Once we were done, he walked away, and we resumed our conversation.
“I’m really not sure, Sadie. But, I think we might be. He was so angry, and I haven’t spoken to him since. I didn’t go to work today either, so I might have lost my job as well.”
“Do you really think he would do that?” Sadie asked.
“I wouldn’t have thought so, no. But the thing is, I’m not sure now,” I said. “When this all happened, he was so different; he was so cold and angry, it was like I didn’t even know him. Then when he got so mean, and said those hateful things, it seemed like I didn’t even know him after all. If only he would have taken a moment to listen to what I had to say, maybe things would have been different.”
I cleared my throat, “How are things with you and the art guy?” I asked her.
“They’re going good. I’m seeing him again,” she said. “He works with James. Do you know him?” She asked.
“I figured it out when you were talking about the piece of art work he sold. I was at that art show, I helped set it up.” I said with a laugh.
She cringed. “I didn’t put two and two together until last night. It just hit me out of nowhere.” I laughed with her.
“I didn’t want to say anything, just in case I was wrong. He was kind of a player before, but you seemed to have changed him so much. I’m really happy for the two of you.”
She smiled at me. “Thanks, Rachel.”
We ate lunch together, which was really great, and then argued over who was going to pay the check. Finally, she took it, and I lacked the energy to chase her down. Then she drove back to my house, and as we got there, I saw a familiar car. James was waiting outside of my front door. I looked at Sadie, and she nodded her head, telling me to just go ahead.
“I’m going to leave you alone so you can talk to him,” she said. “Good luck, sweetie.
I nodded my head, told her thank you, and got out of the car. Then I made my way over to James. I didn’t want to walk over there, but I had no other choice. It was the only way I could get into my house for one thing, but I wanted to avoid him. I didn’t want to have this conversation, not now. The pain was still too fresh. But I was curious and wondered why he was there.
“Can we talk?” he asked.
I nodded my head and unlocked the front door, then the two of us went inside. He sat down on the couch.
“I am so sorry, Rachel. I had no idea. Derek, he told me about your daughter,” he said. He was looking down at his hands and didn’t even want to make eye contact with me. I could tell he was terribly upset ashamed about what he had said to me.
Fresh tears welled in my eyes, “It’s okay. You didn’t know. I should have told you by now.”
“May I ask what happened?” he asked.
I nodded my head. It was a difficult story to tell, but I knew I needed to do it. I took a deep breath, “My daughter, she had cancer. She passed away right after her first birthday,” I said quietly. I took another deep breath. This really was emotionally wearing. I hadn’t talked about it in so long, and this fight with James had brought back all the emotions.
“You don’t have to talk about it,” he said. His hand was on my back, and I hadn’t even realized it. The whole time I spoke, he had been rubbing it gently.
“Bu
t I should,” I said. “My husband, ex-husband now, he blamed me for her getting cancer, and said I didn’t do enough to help her.”
“That’s the reason you divorced?” he asked.
I nodded my head as tears began to roll down my face. James pulled me into him and held me, but it only made me cry harder. I wrapped my arms around him. It felt so good to have him holding me. I was so glad that he came by to apologize. So glad that we had this talk. But it hurt to talk about these things, and I’d never thought I would tell him. But, I guess it was a good thing that I did. These were things that he needed to know if we were going to continue to have a relationship.
“Rachel, I am so sorry. So sorry. I don’t know what to say. I was so upset about Nell and confused when she wouldn’t talk to me about it. Then when I found out she’d hit someone based on your advice, I just flipped. I’m just so sorry,” he said, the tears streaming down his face.
“I just found out today what it was all about, the bullying. I wish she would have told me.”
“Shhh, James; do you know why she didn’t want you to know? Why she swore me to secrecy? I know now that I shouldn’t have agreed to that. That was a terrible mistake, and I’m sorry.”
“So you know? Why? That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. Why wouldn’t she trust me with this?” he asked, the subject getting him agitated all over again.
Trying to calm him down, I touched his face. “James, it was never about trust. It was about protection. She wanted to spare you because the subject of her mother makes you sad.”
His tears multiplied, and we just cried together for a bit, safe in each other’s arms. When he apologized again, I tried to reassure him.
“It’s okay, James. You didn’t know.” I said. “I didn’t give you the chance to know.” The two of us were very emotional. “I forgive you,” I said. I wanted to make sure that he knew I forgave him. “You were responsible for saying them, but you weren’t responsible for why they hurt so badly.” I didn’t want him to keep thinking I was upset with him in any way.
“I don’t want to lose you, Rachel,” he said.
I grabbed his face with both my hands and kissed him. “I don’t want to lose you either,” I said to him.
“Nell can’t afford to lose you, either. She loves you so much, and she needs you, more than I knew,” he said.
“What ended up happening?” I asked him.
“Once Principal Williamson got the full story out of Nell, she didn’t get in trouble. I think the bully will be getting some time away from class for some counseling,” he said.
I let out a deep breath that I hadn’t noticed I’d been holding and gave him a smile. “I’m glad she’s going to be okay, and that she didn’t get in trouble,” I said to him.
“What you told her to do, it was great advice; she just misunderstood. I am sorry for the way I reacted,” he said.
“No, you were right. She is your child, and I should have spoken to you about it. I just didn’t want to break that tenuous trust between us. I wanted her to think that I was someone safe that she could be really open with,” I said.
“I want that too. If she doesn’t want to talk to me about some things, I’m glad she can talk to you. But can we work on things together? I’ll protect the confidence and won’t say anything, but I just need to know what’s going on with her,” he said.
I nodded my head.
“We need you in our lives, Rachel, and not just for Nell. I need you.”
It was the most touching thing he had ever said to me, and it meant the world to me. Leaning in, I kissed him one more time, and he held me. I felt much better about the way things were going now and was instantly pulled out of my deep dark place. I was happy, again.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
James
It was the day of the parents’ dinner at Nell’s school. The girls had spent much of the day preparing. Rachel even taken Nell out to get her nails done for the event. Nell had been so excited. When they had gotten back to the house, Nell was bouncing around and showing me her new pink manicure. I was so glad that they’d had so much fun together.
I still felt like a complete ass for what I’d done earlier in the week. If I would have known that she had lost a child, I would never had said those things to her. I still may have been angry, but I would never hurt her intentionally like that. I still felt awful about it and was trying my hardest to make it up to her. I really didn’t want to lose her.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I started playing a racing game to pass the time. The girls had gone to get ready some forty-five minutes before. They were taking far too long.
“Hurry up, ladies! We’re going to be late!” I called out to them.
I went back to playing the game on my phone, and when I looked up, Nell and Rachel were standing in front of me. It was the most breathtaking view I’d ever seen in my life. Both Nell and Rachel had picked out gorgeous and elegant cocktail dresses. Both came down to the knee and were appropriate for the event. I’d let Rachel take Nell dress shopping the day before. Nell had been so excited about that too, making the event all the more special. I was loving all the things they had done together to prepare for the evening.
“We’re ready, Daddy,” Nell said. She gave a little curtsy, and I laughed.
Both of them had their hair curled, and Rachel had done her makeup. She had even given Nell a bit of her lip gloss to wear, after my approval of course. They both looked absolutely stunning, and I couldn’t get enough of it. I pulled out my phone and took a quick picture of them, and wanted this memory to last forever.
“I can see that,” I said. “You both look beautiful.”
After giving both of my girls a kiss on the cheek, I then escorted them to the car. We carefully got in, and I drove to the school. Since we were running a little behind, the parking lot was already packed, and I had to park on the street a ways back. I offered to drop the girls off at the door while I parked the car, but Rachel told me not to be silly.
“Are you excited?” I asked Nell, as we made our way to the building.
She nodded her head enthusiastically, “Yes! I’ve been waiting for this night for so long.” Rachel and I both laughed because we knew she hadn’t really been waiting very long at all. But it was great to see that she was so excited about something like this. I was especially glad that Rachel was able to be there, and I was sure it was going to make Nell feel a lot better after everything she’d been through.
“Thank you for coming with, Rachel,” Nell said, grasping Rachel’s hand in her own.
“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” Rachel responded. She paused and gave Nell a tight hug. I loved watching the interaction these two shared. Nell was a girl who had lost her mother, and Rachel was a woman who had lost her daughter. The three of us were definitely meant to be a family. I could feel it in every fiber of my being.
We walked into the building that was buzzing with people. Tons of other parents and children. Nell said hello to a few of them as we moved through the crowd. We checked in at the reception table and found our seats. Our table consisted of Nell, Rachel, and myself, plus Kassondra and her parents.
“Kassondra!” Nell yelled when she saw her friend.
We all laughed at the two girls, acting as if they’d been separated for months. We all took our seats and the principal, Ms. Williamson, began her speech.
“Parents, on behalf of your children, and our school, welcome to the annual parents’ dinner. I am so glad you all could join me and the rest of the staff this evening. Once a year, we like to host a dinner honoring all the parents. We like to recognize all that you do to further your child’s education. We typically spend all year recognizing the teachers, the staff, and even myself. But parents hardly ever get recognized for all that they do regarding education. So, this night, we celebrate you. Please enjoy,” she said.
Everybody started clapping, and a few parents even stood up and gave her a standing ovation. After my expe
rience with her, I could tell she had her heart in the right place. I thought she’d been a little rude the first day, but I had given her the benefit of the doubt, seeing how my daughter had hit another child. I would probably get frustrated with that as well.
A waiter approached our table, “Beef or chicken?” he asked.
All of us, except Cassondra’s dad, chose the chicken. The waiter then left and returned with ice water.
“I want juice,” Nell said.
“Nell, sweetie, you need to drink your water,” I said to her.
“Okay, Daddy,” Nell said. Then she took a few big gulps from her glass, draining it. “Now can I have some juice?” she asked.
We all laughed at her, and I knew she was just messing around. I loved my daughter’s sense of humor.
“So, Rachel. What do you do?” Kassondra’s mom asked.
“I work with James at the gallery. I’m his assistant,” she said.
Watching Kassondra’s dad throughout the evening, I was surprised he spent so much time with his face in his phone. I was glad I wasn’t one of those parents but remembered when I’d first met them just a couple months ago, and I’d thought they were the perfect couple. All I’d wanted in the world was to be like them, to provide a regular family structure for Nell like they had. At the time, I thought it impossible. But as I’d gotten to know them, I discovered appearances could be deceiving, and that they weren’t anything like I wanted to be. Kassondra’s mom seemed a little uptight, and her father always had his nose in his phone. They didn’t seem as happy as I thought they were, either.
I leaned into Rachel, “I’m really glad you’re here, tonight,” I said to her.
“Thank you. I’m glad I’m here, too,” she said with a smile.
“No, seriously. I’m especially glad and thankful that you came with us tonight. You didn’t have to do that, especially after how I acted. I am very grateful, and I know Nell is too.” I wanted her to really know how I felt about her, but I also needed some reassurance regarding her feelings for me. I still wasn’t one hundred percent sure. I’d been a little uneasy since our fight earlier in the week, and I hoped nothing had changed between us. Everything seemed okay, but I still wasn’t quite sure.
