by Flatman, NJ
“Because it wasn’t enough. It never is. You always want more Avery,” he looked at me. “I think we should have some space and see how we feel.”
“But…”
“Don’t argue it. Instead, think. Decide if you are happy with me or if you just want me to change to be what will make you happy,” he turned as if he was walking out.
“Spencer,” I cried out, watching him stop walking. “You make me happy. I love you.”
“I love you too Avery,” he said softly. “That’s why I’m doing this. Goodbye.”
And once more my entire world walked out the door and I felt my body collapse onto the floor. He was gone. Everything had been fine and he was gone.
“What was that noise….” I heard Colby come out of the room. “Avery! What’s wrong? Ave? Are you okay? Talk!” her words were coming in, but it was taking me time to process them. “Avery?”
“He wants space,” it was all I could get out before the sobs took over. I didn’t say anything else. Colby slid into the floor with me, wrapping her arms around me and just held me as I cried. She wasn’t aware that I heard the words she mumbled under her breath as she did.
“Son of a bitch,” her voice was barely audible. “I’ll fucking kill you.”
Chapter 19
For a moment Luke stared at me as if he were trying to decide if I was for real. Could it be possible that he’d stumbled upon a woman that was hell bent on hating most men and wanting them dead? Deciding that I’d been teasing, he stepped a bit closer.
“Not a party person, I see?” the statement ended up sounding more like a question.
“Not particularly,” I shrugged.
“Then why come?”
“Mainly for my friend. She wanted to come,” I pointed to Colby’s mess of blonde hair. “But I thought it’d be something to check out before we leave. Once in a lifetime kind of stuff.”
“I know,” he nodded. “I wish I had the chance to stand in a corner, drowning my sorrows in booze, and pretending I didn’t exist. But those moments are so hard to come by.”
If I’d been in a normal frame of mind, I’d have found his sarcasm amusing. But in my state of mind, it was offensive. I knew that I was a letdown at being human, I didn’t need to be reminded.
“And what do you propose I do, Luke?” turning the question on him saved me from acknowledging what he’d said to me, but came out sounding on the edge of foul and bitchy.
He was correct. I was hiding in a corner, drowning my life away in booze. I was almost certainly the most wretched party guest.
Waiting on a reply, I tried to figure the guy out. He seemed genuinely interested in talking with me, but I didn’t know why. All I was convinced of was that he wasn’t good at taking hints. Mainly the ones that said I wanted to be alone.
I really had no interest in chatting with everyone. That was what led me to the corner. But I was particularly lacking an interest in the male populace. Nothing about me was ready to meet up and mingle with new men. People that would want things from me. Love. Trust. Affection. Sex.
Luke didn’t seem to be trying for that. He hadn’t said or done anything to make me believe that was hitting on me or expecting anything really. It seemed his goal was more along the lines of friendship and leisure. The kind of person you hang with at the party and then never see again.
It would have been nice of me to just tell him upfront that I wasn’t interested. Not just in men, but in chatter. I wanted to sit alone and drink and try to force myself to feel human. But I never said it. Probably because he had started off with pointing out my loner status and I didn’t want to feed into that any more.
So I responded and forced myself to appear somewhat sociable. All the while I knew that I wasn’t doing a very good job of it.
“You could start by telling me your name,” It was easy to see that Luke was as excellent at deflecting as I was.
“Avery,” I admitted. “That was hard. What is next?”
“Well, Avery,” he began. “What do you find enjoyable?”
“Not much lately,” it sounded like a serious buzz kill, but it was the reality.
“That sounds very, um, dull,” he’d struggled to comment without insulting me.
“Boring. Mopey. Sad. Depressed. hopeless.” I started ticking off the way I felt and the things I’d heard. “Take your pick.”
“I’d prefer to see a smile,” the comment, meant to be polite and thoughtful, actually infuriated me to some extent.
“Well, I doubt I’ll be smiling anytime soon Luke,” my eyes dropped. “Sorry to disappoint you.”
“I bet I can change that,” he teased.
“I like confidence,” my head shook from side to side, “but that might be overreaching.”
“I told you,” he continued. “I’m the life of the party.”
A smile played at the corner of Luke’s lips and it reminded me of Spencer. They looked nothing alike. Spencer was the hot guy that everyone wanted. Everyone. I still wasn’t sure how I’d landed him. But Luke…he wasn’t.
Still, the way he cocked his head to the side, creased his brow and turned up one side of his mouth to smile- it was just like Spencer. With a simple motion, my wall buckled and I felt my body nearly collapse in the floor.
I doubled over to try and stop the ache from tearing me apart. silently I reminded myself to inhale and exhale until I calmed down. I didn’t need to end up a frantic mess at the party.
Is this ever going to stop? I asked myself as I took in yet another breath. I was pretty sure that I was going to be half-alive for as long as I lived.
“You okay?” Luke stepped forward and placed a hand on my back in comfort and alarm; but the gesture made me irate.
“Get the hell off of me!” I shouted, unfairly, to the guy I’d just met.
“I’m sorry,” the regret was genuine, but I couldn’t seem to calm my disposition.
I half anticipated Luke to take off. The fanatical loner drunk chick at the bar couldn’t have been much enjoyment. Besides, I’d screamed at him for absolutely no reason. But he stayed. He just decided to get quiet.
Chapter 20
“So, what are you planning to wear?” Colby was munching on pizza as we discussed our evening plans. “I wish you’d eat some of this. It’s fabulous.”
“I’m not really hungry,” my appetite had left when Spencer did. His break had wound up being long term. He’d been gone for over a month.
Some of my life had slipped back to normal. I no longer sat curled up in the corner of the couch crying, or shut down and refused to talk to anyone, but I still wasn’t quite myself.
The thought of him would bring tears to my eyes whether I wanted them there or not. So I did the only thing I could do. I avoided the subject. Even with Colby. Whenever she brought up his name, which happened a lot, I’d shut down and change the subject. Eventually I’d learned to just fake my way through the things I didn’t really want to do so that she never realized how badly the situation was affecting me.
That night, I was going to a party she’d been invited to. It was the last place that I wanted to be at, but it was important to Colby. If I refused, she’d just start talking about how horrible Spencer was and all the reasons she’d never liked him. It was easier to get dressed, smile and pretend.
“You’ve lost a lot of weight Ave,” she shook her head. “I worry about you not eating.”
“I’m fine,” I lied. “I ate a big lunch.”
Colby didn’t know what I’d eaten that day. She didn’t work in my office and hadn’t seen me spend my lunch break alone, head lying on my desk, sobbing.
“What did you eat?”
“I had a cheeseburger and fries,” I continued with the lie. “Trust me, I’m good.”
“I don’t believe you,” she looked at me skeptically. “But I can’t do anything about it. So, what are you wearing?” her eyes lit up with excitement. “Can you imagine the guys that will be there?”
“I was going
to ask you what you think I should wear,” the best way to distract Colby was to put her to work helping me prepare for a social engagement. She loved it.
“Oh my God,” she screamed. “I have the perfect thing! Hold up,” she practically ran out of the room and I had a moment of peace. It was funny how close we’d become again. She was there and enjoying life with me, only she didn’t realize I wasn’t enjoying much of anything. “Look at this!”
I turned and saw the outfit that she’d picked out. It was from her closet and not mine. The skirt was cute, but a little shorter than I typically wore. The light shade of coral would actually compliment the tan she’d forced me to work on and it wasn’t her typical tight, body clinging style. . She had paired it with a white, spaghetti strap tank that flaunted more than I would ordinarily choose. But I had to admit it was a cute outfit. I just happen to think it’d look better on her.
“And these shoes make it even more fabulous,” she held up a pair of white heels with a dash of coral that matched the outfit perfectly.
“I swear,” I shook my head. “Having you is like having my very own clothing boutique. I’ve never seen that outfit before,” I mentioned, taking the skirt in my hands and feeling the soft silky material.
“I know,” she shrugged. “I bought it for you.”
“What? Why?” I couldn’t believe that. It looked nothing like anything I’d ever choose.
“Because I knew it’d make you look fabulous,” she smiled. “But I had to wait until you were receptive to me choosing your clothes. Which never fucking happens.”
“Well, guess it was your lucky day,” I faked a laugh and took the clothes from her. “I will go try them on.”
It took me about twenty minutes after getting the outfit on to be okay with how it looked on me. I decided that it definitely needed more and I sat in my room applying makeup and searching for some jewelry that would compliment it. Every so often Colby would yell and ask if I was ever going to show her, which I’d always answer with maybe.
Finally I walked into the living room and the expression on her face was enough to make me certain I’d keep the outfit forever.
“Jesus,” she exclaimed. “You look amazing,” her eyes were still wide with surprise. “Even your hair looks perfect. I’m great at this if I do say so myself.”
“You should get a job doing this Colb,” I flattered her. “You’d have a waiting list.”
“I know,” she beamed. “Wow.”
“So now here I sit, all decked out and ready to go, and you are still in your pajamas,” I laughed, pointing at her sweats and tank.
“Hey, give a girl a break,” she joked. “I haven’t had a day to lay in my pajamas in months.”
“Well go get ready before I decide mine look comfy,” I sat on the sofa and waited, hoping she’d take forever and I could somehow manage to get out of the majority of the party.
Colby managed to take longer to get ready than I would have if I’d changed three times, but when she walked out in a short, tight sparkly blue dress I realized why. She was all about being the center of attention and having all eyes on her when she walked in and given her appearance in our apartment, that was all but a guarantee.
“You look like a celebrity,” I said honestly, envious that anyone could appear that flawless.
“Thanks,” she blushed. “We are going to be the hottest chicks there.”
“We always are,” I lied and laughed.
The cab got us to the address about twenty minutes after the start of the party, a fact that Colby dubbed as perfect for an entrance.
“Fashionably late is best,” she’d cooed as we made our way up the elevator.
I had no clue how she’d landed us an invite to a place on the Gold Coast and I didn’t want to ask. I just hoped that it was something that I would enjoy.
“Welcome ladies,” a young Hispanic man greeted us as we entered the apartment and I saw Colby smile from ear to ear. She was in her element and I assumed somewhere in the large crowd of people was a man that had felt honored to invite her to attend.
“I’m going to find a drink,” I told her, already feeling the buzz from a single beer and wanting to escape the swarms of people I didn’t know. “Come find me in a bit,” I finished as I walked off.
Colby and I had this down pat. She did her thing and I did mine. Then we’d meet. Not that I really attended parties.
Turned out, the event was nothing like we’d expected it to be. Even Colby was bored. Yes, we’d both gotten attention, but it was an older crowd. Much older. And far more mellow than my friend could handle. I think we were only there about half an hour when she hunted me down and asked to leave.
“Let’s go somewhere,” she begged as we waited for a cab.
“I can’t,” I stammered, feeling somewhat drunk from the two drinks at the party. “I need to go home.”
“This is why you eat Ave,” she shook her head. “So you can drink and enjoy yourself.”
“Is that it?” I laughed. “Well there’s beer at the apartment. Let’s go back there and drink and talk about how awesome we look and how old those dudes were!”
I heard her giggle and she nodded.
“Sounds like a plan,” she took my hand just as a cab pulled up to the curb. “Let’s go.”
The entire cab ride Colby was talking nonstop about guys she had met at the party. One was an insurance salesman. One had been the CEO of a big name company that I couldn’t remember five minutes after hearing it. Even as we got off the stairs on our floor and headed around the corner to our door she was still talking.
“So he was like sixty at least,” she laughed. “But oh my word he had some money.”
I kept my head facing down to avoid the way the hall was spinning in front of me. I couldn’t believe that a couple of drinks had affected me the way that they had.
“Maybe I should stop going to the bar looking for Mr Right,” she continued rambling, unaware that I could barely understand her words. “Maybe I should settle for a sugar da……what are you doing here?”
The change in her words and the tone of her voice made me look up. The moment our eyes met, I dropped the purse I’d been clutching and found myself struggling to breathe.
“Spencer,” I managed to whisper.
“What is wrong with you?” he asked, eyes full of concern. “Are you okay?”
I nodded at him, but couldn’t make the words come out.
“She’s drunk,” Colby spat at him. “Now go home.”
“Can we talk Avery?” Before Colby had a chance to tell him no or order him to leave again, I nodded agreement.
Spencer was back. He loved me. He’d come back for me. Just like I’d hoped he would. And I was almost too drunk to understand it.
Colby was pissed that I’d agreed, yelled at me and then stormed off to her bedroom where she slammed the door. She wanted no part of it. I knew that she’d continue to be angry, but I spent the evening talking to Spencer anyway.
He took care of me, making coffee and helping me to sober up. He also forced me to eat, saying I looked like a skeleton and it upset him. I did whatever he asked me to.
Over the course of a few hours, he apologized repeatedly and told me that he didn’t think he could go on without me. He wanted another chance. Another opportunity to give me what I deserved. He felt horrible for leaving and knew that I should tell him to go to hell. That’s what he told me.
I listened. I always listened. But the reality was that I didn’t have a choice. Everything inside of me loved him and I would take him back without question, pretending he’d never really went away. But for that moment I had him there and I took advantage.
I yelled at him. I asked him questions. I cried. That’s what I did most was cry. He held me and I cried. Then at the end I did what I’d known I’d do all along. I forgave him and agreed to take him back. I held him, kissed him and told him I loved him.
About four in the morning, Spencer made his way home with promise
s of being by the following day. He missed me and wanted to spend some time together before the work week started again.
As soon as the front door closed, Colby’s bedroom door opened. I watched her walk out, eyes on the floor and body hunched.
“Avery, please tell me you didn’t?” she asked, already knowing the answer. Anyone that knew me would know the answer.
“I did,” I whispered.
“And next time?” she asked.
“There won’t be a next time,” I replied.
“Yes there will,” she shrugged.
“Colby, just be happy for me,” I begged her. “Please?”
“I can’t,” she sat in the recliner. “I can’t be happy for you Ave,” she kept talking. “he’s going to destroy you again. I can’t sit here and pretend he won’t. I can’t pretend I’m happy for you.”
“So what are you saying?” her tone wasn’t angry. It was defeated.
“I’m saying you have to choose Avery,” she looked me in the eye. “You have to choose between Spencer and me. If you want to continue with him, I can’t be your friend anymore.”
The words hit me like a brick in the gut. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I picked up my things and headed in the direction of my room without a sound.
“Avery,” she called to me and I turned around, seeing her through a film of tears. “I mean it. Who are you going to choose?”
I thought for a minute and felt my head cock sideways, my mouth twist up and my eyes scrunch as if I was shocked she would even ask.
“I’ll choose the one that never asked me to,” I said calmly. “I choose Spencer.”
Chapter 21
“I didn’t mean….” I started when I was finally able to lift up my head. “I just…”
“It’s cool,” Luke blew it off. “I shouldn’t have touched you.”
“Nah, it’s not that,” I looked down.
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Can you make it where I can’t feel?” I asked genuinely. “That’s what I need. TO feel nothing.”
