by Heath Pfaff
The ocean surged around us and I felt a heavy impact on the hull of our boat. The sound of wood splintering followed. I felt our craft slide down the side of a rock, and we hit the water just as it was rising back up to throw us forward again. The impact of boat on water tossed us into the air, and it was a struggle to land back in the relatively small confines of the craft. Without any help from us, our lifeboat was surging forward. The tide running inward towards the coast was dragging everything afloat along with it, and we were helpless to do anything other than hold on. Rocks scraped the bottom of our craft, but I knew it was only a matter of time until the surge ran low and we hit something that could not be passed over. I shifted my position in the boat, trying to get a better grip on my seat. I glanced at the others who were all doing the same. The pretense of paddling had been discarded. The tide was taking us into land, but whether or not we would survive being scraped over the rocks was still to be seen.
The wave upon which we were riding crashed downward, but our boat did not follow it. We struck a rock half way through the descent and we stopped with a tremendous force. The boat split, the water etched reef cutting into it like a knife, and suddenly we were all being tossed into the cold sea. I hit the protrusion that had split our craft as I fell downward. It was an abrasive, cutting shard of stone. I felt my flesh split and tear as I was dragged down, and then back up the length of the rock as the water rose once more. Everything was a blur. I paddled frantically, looking for the others, but it was difficult to see them amidst the swells of water, and the churning white caps created by the dangerous rocks beneath the surface.
"Malice!" I called out as my head cleared the surface of the water long enough to draw breath. My heart was racing. I was terrified, but not for my own life. I had confidence in my body's ability to heal. I couldn't find Malice. The others lay forgotten as I struggled against the current to try and find my green-eyed lover. Where was she? Had the ocean swallowed her into its grinding maw?
In my haste to find her, I was not watching where the water swept me. The wave I rode upon ebbed and cold stone tore into my right arm, sending a burning flash of pain through my body. My mouth, which had been open to call out to Malice, snapped shut on my tongue and began to fill up with blood as searing pain lanced through the damaged flesh. I spit out a mist of blood and a small chunk of flesh that had been the tip of my tongue. The water surged hard again, tearing me off the rock it had just deposited me on, dragging me along its rough surface and taking away layers of skin as it did. The cold, salty sea water was like liquid fire against my freshly opened wounds. I felt myself lifting skyward, atop the crest of a great wave. I struggled through the pain that enveloped me, trying to make some sense of the world that had fallen entirely into chaos.
The water dropped below me, and I fell with it. I was still nearly upside down, and facing the wrong direction. I couldn't see what I was falling towards, and I knew that was dangerous. I fought, letting the world slow around me as I struggled to use sheer speed to gain control of the situation. Moving faster was not helping. The water was pulling me along its course, and I could not get my body to correct. I hit another rock. It was smaller than the others I'd been bashed into, and it only clipped my left side as I was descending. Still, I felt a deep gash open up along my hip. I knew that if I could get my legs out in front of me, I would be able to control how hard I hit the jagged sections of reef, but I could not get my body to spin in the quickly churning waters.
"You will die, smashed upon the rocks at the coast." The words of the woman leading the Hungering floated back to me. Had they been a portent? Was I doomed? No. I couldn't die. I couldn't allow myself to die. Malice needed me. Kay needed me. I couldn't let them down. I fought harder. My muscles strained against the water. Another swell blossomed around me, lifting me back into the air. A whirling current caught my torso and I felt my head being pulled under water. It all appeared to be happening so slowly. I tore at the water with my right arm, feeling the wounds on it split and open wider as I struggled. I had to save the others. I had to.
The water fell away beneath me. I was completely upside down. My legs were out of the water, and my head was being held under by a strong current. I twisted with every bit of strength I could muster, and finally I felt myself coming around. I turned, orienting myself so that I could see where I was going, even if my head was still below the water line. At that very instant, a gnarled, jagged rock came up to meet me, and I struck it face first. There was an explosion of darkness, and then the ocean and its terrible currents went away.
I found myself standing at the edge of a lake. It stretched out before me, meeting the tree line in the distance. There was a light wind blowing across its surface, cool and refreshing. I took a deep breath, and could smell that a recent rain had fallen. That scent was mixed in amidst the earthy smell of the forest. The sky was clear, and the sun was bright above me. I could hear the song of birds, and the sound of the grass, and the leaves of nearby trees rustling in the light breeze.
"You've come a long way. You should sit and relax." A female voice, peaceful, yet gravely and strangely-accented, spoke from behind me. I turned to face the speaker. I was facing a large wolf with fur as green as the grass upon which she sat. There were strands of longer fur amidst her normal length coat that looked like the occasional long strands of grass that you would see in a field. Her eyes were a deep golden color that seemed to shine with their own light.
"Whisper of the Mist," I intoned her name, as I recognized the female wolf that stood before me. I had not seen her in many years. She had died to give me the heart that still beat in my chest. Her expression was calm, yet feral. I felt a pang of guilt.
"Lord Lowin." She greeted me, tilting her nose forward for a second, in what I took to be a wolfish bow.
"Where am I?" I asked her, for I could not remember coming to the lake in the woods, and I remembered only too well that she was dead. I feared that I might be dead as well, though I did not want to ask that exact question.
"You're not dead." Whisper answered, and I could see a smile in her golden eyes.
"How did you. . ." I began to ask, but she spoke before I could finish.
"You should understand how I know, Lowin. Isn't it obvious? We are the same, you and I. I am just the echo of another part of you, Lowin Fenly of the gods of man and wolf. As is he." She pointed with her nose, and for the first time I caught sight of another figure standing at the lake side. He was a few feet away from Whisper and me, with his back turned to us, apparently looking out into the woods. He was a hulking black figure, like a monstrous bipedal wolf-creature, with red tipped ears, and a circle of red at his single wrist, and ankles. He was missing an arm, as I was. I could not have forgotten that Fell Beast even had I tried, for I wore his legs, and his right arm still. He was as dead as Whisper though, another life sacrificed to make me what I had become.
I ignored the Fell Beast, the monster that haunted me far too often. "Why did you do it, Whisper?" I asked the question that had been on my mind for years. Why had Whisper given her life to me, when it was I who had lost the combat between us? By her own people's rules, she was entitled to my heart, my strength. She had chosen to give her own instead.
"I won, Lord Lowin, it was my right to choose the prize." Whisper answered without hesitation. She had known what I was going to ask.
"Why did you give your life for me?" She hadn't answered the question I really wanted answered, the one that still troubled me at times, even years later. There were so many lives lost for my sake, and I questioned all of them. I had never had a chance to ask that question of any of the others.
"Because I knew you would do what I couldn't. I saw the truth in your eyes as we fought. I saw your strength and determination as I came in to make the killing blow, and I knew what I had to do. There is a fire coming, and the Kaziem will be consumed with everyone else if you can't do something to stop it." She answered, though it was difficult to understand her answer. She seemed t
o believe I played a more important role than I did.
"Lucidil put out the fire. He got rid of the Hungering, not I." I pressed, trying to understand, and fearing I never would.
"The danger is not past, Lowin. In fact, it is closer now that it has ever been before. You must stand and fight where others would forfeit. Others might have been able to do what you must, but they were not given the chance. You must stand strong. Protect your pack, protect us all." Whisper of the Mist insisted in her calm, wise voice.
"I'm afraid of what I'm becoming, Whisper of the Mist. I'm so full of rage and I just can't hold it all inside. How can I trust myself to do what is right, with all this anger inside of me?" I pleaded for an answer. At that time, Whisper seemed like a pillar of wisdom. I hoped that she would have an answer to ease the demons that had been haunting me.
"You're trying to stifle an aspect of yourself. You shouldn't. That doesn't weaken it, it makes it stronger." Her golden eyes shifted to the Fell Beast. "He is as much a part of you as am I. If you try to shut him away, he will only fight more fiercely to get out. A man cannot stand divided against himself. You are losing yourself, because you are denying yourself." Her words made sense. I could understand what Whisper of the Mist was saying, but I was not sure what to do with that information. How did I embrace that dark aspect of myself without letting it run out of control?
"That is a question you must answer for yourself." Whisper answered the query I had not spoken aloud.
I looked to the hulking black furred figure, and then back to Whisper. I felt a pang of pressure in my chest. I was there, and so was Whisper and the Fell Beast, but Kyeia was nowhere to be found. Was she not another aspect of me? After all, it was her power that bound us all together.
"Of course she's here, Lowin." Whisper again gave voice to answer the question I had not spoken. She stood up and walked to the lake's edge, pushing her nose against the water so that it rippled. "Look."
I walked to the water hesitantly, afraid at what I might see beneath its surface. I leaned over and peered into the water. The face looking out at me was not my own, but Kye's. I staggered back, and then fell to my knees and crawled back to the water's surface. There she was again, looking back at me with the same look of wonder I knew must be on my own features. A tear traced a line down the edge of my nose and fell into the water, sending a ripple through Kye's reflected face.
"She is always closest to you, Lowin Fenly. You may never hear her, and you may not see her. She is here too."
I smiled, and the face in the water smiled back at me. Kye's smile. I had not seen it in so long. I drew back from the water's edge, my heart fluttering in my chest. Would Kye smile at me if she knew all that had happened since her death? Would she be happy that I had been with Malice? Would she be able to smile if she knew what I had allowed to happen to our daughter?
"She loved you. Do you really believe that would change?" It was Whisper's voice again. I looked up at the wolf. Her golden eyes were higher than mine while I was kneeling at the water's edge. Would Kye still find something to love in me?
A howl tore through the air, a jagged, terrible sound that sent a shiver down my spine. I turned to face the source of the cacophony of noise. The Fell Beast was standing, now facing us. His single hand was clutched over his chest, an expression of pain painted his face.
"HURTS!" He roared, froth flying from his mouth. I stood and stepped back from the suddenly fearsome creature. "WHY DOES IT HURT?!" The beast screamed in rage, its voice barely intelligible.
Suddenly another howl sounded, this one from Whisper. I snapped around to face her as she finished her soulful cry into the heavens. Her eyes were full of pain, not physical, but emotional anguish.
"I'm so sorry, Lord Lowin. I'm so very sorry." She said.
The world shifted and melted, and suddenly the woods were gone, and it was just me, standing alone in a great gray void. I seemed to fall backwards out of my body, and I could see myself standing, right hand clutched over my chest. I was falling away from myself. I saw tears streaming from my eyes, yet I looked like such a fearsome beast in that instant. Behind me, I saw a woman standing, pale hair shining in the void, her hand on my shoulder. She had no eyes.
"Kye!" I tried to call out, but I had no voice, for I was not in my body. I fell through the gray and. . .
I sat bolt upright, pain ripping through my body, originating from the center of my right hand. My fist was closed around something hard and I had to force my hand to open, straining the muscles to their limits, though I wasn't sure what force I was struggling against. My hand opened. In my palm rested a small blue glowing crystal. A binding crystal. I dropped it and jumped backwards to my feet, as if the crystal was a monster that might strike out at me. My feet caught in the sand, for I was on a beach, and I fell backwards. Terrible pain roared through my body, and I felt my left shoulder explode with searing agony. I fell to the ground screaming. I couldn't hold the pain inside of me.
Bone shot from the socket of my left shoulder, erupting forth as though it were a sword piercing my body. Muscle and nerves broke from the joint and began to encircle the newly formed bone, followed by a layer of skin, and then a silky white fur. I watched it in disbelief, barely able to keep my eyes on it through the pain that caused them to stream with tears. I screamed again, though I didn't realize it immediately, as the terrible anguish was too excruciating. Piece by piece my left arm rebuilt itself, first bone, then muscle, then flesh and fur, until my entire arm was grown back, coated in smooth white fur and banded at the wrist in a circle of black. There were other figures all around me, standing in a wide circle, familiar faces, though I didn't see any of them clearly in that moment. I knew them, but I only registered them peripherally.
The pain from my arm subsided as the limb finished regenerating, and I forced myself to my feet, the new arm forgotten in the tide of rage that was overwhelming me. A single figure stood before me, wings tucked over his shoulders. He bent over and picked up the blue crystal I had dropped. Ethaniel.
"What have you done?!" I demanded, my voice ripping through my throat with such ferocity that I could feel it reverberating in the air around me. Those blurry shapes around me stepped back, as though physically struck by my voice. I knew the truth. I knew what had happened. Ethaniel had just bound me to a second Uliona. He had always wanted to do so. He'd finally found his chance.
"I've made you whole again." He answered calmly.
I flashed across the space between Ethaniel and me. The world slowed, and I passed through it with ease, cutting through the thick resistance of the air as though it were barely affecting me. My fur churned at the press of the wind, and the pressure sank through my flesh to the bones beneath, but I felt unstoppable. I could feel power flowing into my body. I could feel wounds stitching closed faster than ever before, and a terrible vigor filling every muscle contained inside my rebuilt frame. I grabbed the other Knight by his throat and lifted him into the air. His eyes barely had time to go wide as I did all of this. I had been fast before, but with new energy flowing into me, I was even faster. I let the world resume its normal pace around me.
"How dare you bind me to another life!" My hand was tightening, my claws growing sharper.
Ethaniel did not struggle against me. He was motionless in my grip, his four eyes trained upon me with a mix of hostility and ambition. It was the ambition that confused me the most. There was no fear in him. His lack of fear only made me angrier. I threw him to the ground. His massive body felt surprisingly light. He was laying face down in the sand at the side of the ocean. I knelt upon his back, grabbing the hair on his head with my right hand and turning it to the side so his face was not buried.
"Who have you killed to make me stronger, Ethaniel? Whose life is forfeit for this? Do I know them? Do you know them? Have you seen the face of the man or woman you've sentenced to death on my behalf?" I feared that if I stopped speaking I might just kill the old Knight. My anger was becoming a beat all its own. The Fell
Beast roared within me, and I struggled to stifle it. The beast would not be quieted.
"Does it matter who she is?" Ethaniel said, his words strained. "You were gravely wounded, and weakened by the ordeal coming into shore. You've been unconscious for hours. I did what was necessary to save my king. If you think that is such a crime then . . ."
"Be quiet!" I yelled in a fury, terribly aware of the life of the woman that was draining into me. I did not know her, but I could not help but picture Kye. He'd known my wishes. He'd known I would have rather died than be bonded again, yet he'd done it anyway. That knowledge above all else incited the fire that burned in my heart. I felt strength coursing into my body, and wondered whose life was dwindling at the other end of the bond? Some poor Uliona woman was destined to fade until her life ran out as I became something far more dangerous than I already was. Not even her eyes would be saved when I was done with her. She would fade to nothingness, lost forever from the world. The howling beast within me broke free from its bonds, yet I did not lose my consciousness.
"I'm tired of your excuses. I'm tired of your lies." I said, my voice strangely quiet, even to my own ears. I reached my new left hand up to the base of one of Ethaniel's wings and took a firm hold. "I don't care that you think you've done the right thing. I don't care." I pulled violently, flexing my newly strengthened muscles with all the power I could muster. There was a terrible, tearing, popping sound as flesh, bone, and cartilage tore and ripped free in my hand. Ethaniel screamed. It was a sound of utmost despair unlike anything I'd ever heard before. It was certainly not a sound I'd ever expected to hear from the leader of the Knights of Ethan. The Fell Beast reveled within, and I reached to try and quiet it. I struggled to suppress its monstrous hunger, ignoring the advice given to me in my dream just moments before. It would not be bound. It wasn't finished.
