by Terra Wolf
If I was being honest, I imagined we would pick things up exactly where we left them five years ago. When we broke up, it wasn’t because I wanted to leave her, but I had to. I couldn’t pass up my chance to be an Alpha. Julia of all people understood that. The night I told her, was a hard one, but I thought she knew what she meant to me.
Lacey’s words made everything suddenly seem less clear. In my mind, Julia and I parted equally broken-hearted. We were both wrecked. We were both miserable. But, we were both setting out to fulfill our dreams. I always thought, once those dreams came true, that we would…
I shook my head and my eyes flew open. There was no use fantasizing about a future that was never going to happen. If what Lacey said was true, then I couldn’t blame Julia for running out of the pub.
As I sat in my car everything began to click into place. All the letters I wrote to Julia and she never once wrote back. In the beginning, when I still tried to call, she never picked up the phone. Back then, I thought she was just taking some time. I thought she just needed a little space to heal and figure everything out herself. I wanted to give her that, so after a while, I stopped calling.
I kept writing. For years, I wrote her letters and sent them to the only address I had for her: her parents’ house.
Eventually, I gave that up too, but I still never let myself believe things were over. Surely, Julia would want to see me if and when our paths were to cross again. After everything we had, there was no way she would be able to deny our connection. I held out hope. I believed we would find each other.
Now that we had, I realized none of that was fucking true. I wondered if I held onto the thought of Julia to escape the reality of my life. Was our connection truly as strong as I believed it to be? Or, was I romanticizing something that had long been over?
Nine
Julia
Sitting on that curb, I felt ridiculous. How could I have let Kellan run me out of my own uncle’s wake? He hadn’t even spoken to me. He didn’t say a word. And still, I bolted. I ran out the back door like a burglar and didn’t stop until I knew I was alone. When did I become this person? So, afraid of confrontation?
That night came back to me in a flood of emotions. I was sitting on a bench in McKinney park waiting for Kellan to show up. We’d agreed to meet after my last class. We had plans to see a movie and grab a drink, but he was late.
I called him a few times. No answer. After an hour, I decided to just go home and wait for him to call me back. Something must have happened. I was beginning to worry he’d been in an accident or something.
When I walked through the backdoor, my phone finally rang.
“Hey,” I said, my voice full of relief. “Where have you been? Are you okay?”
“I’m great!” Kellan said cheerfully. “I’m really sorry I stood you up. Can you meet me now? At Jackson’s?”
“Sure,” I said apprehensively. “I’ll be there in a few.”
“See you soon!”
I hung up and turned back around. Climbing in my car, I felt a horrible sense of dread wash over me. There was something going on with Kellan, that much I knew, but I couldn’t imagine what it could be. In all the time we’d been dating, Kellan had never been so much as two minutes late for a date. Never. He blamed the fact that he was obnoxiously early on his military training. Whatever was going on, it had to be pretty big if it meant Kellan was deviating from his prompt nature.
As I drove toward Jackson’s, I told myself it couldn’t be anything bad. Kellan sounded happy on the phone. Excited. Only something really amazing could make him sound like that.
Kellan was sitting at our usual booth when I walked inside. My drink was already sitting on the table when I slid in beside him.
“Hey, you,” he said with a grin. He kissed me quickly, that same grin never leaving his face.
“What’s up with you?” I laughed. “I don’t know that I’ve ever seen you this happy.”
“I don’t know that I’ve ever been this happy,” Kellan admitted.
“Well,” I prompted quickly. “Tell me what’s going on. I can’t take the suspense any longer.”
“I’m going to be an Alpha.”
The words left his lips and hit my ears like a brick. I heard him, but I couldn’t quite comprehend what he was saying.
“I got the call today,” he continued. “This morning actually. My C.O. said everything is in place. I start my official training in a few days.”
“Training?” I sputtered. I blinked and tried to focus on his face, but I felt like I was floating underwater. Everything seemed far away, blurry and out of reach.
“In Coronado,” he nodded. “I leave the day after tomorrow. And guess what? I’m not the only bear! There’s another guy, and then a tiger I guess and two mountain lions. They’re so rare, I’ve heard they’re crazy fast. Julia, I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am. I mean, I’ve dreamt of this for so long and…”
“California?” I interrupted. Kellan fell silent and stared at me for a second. He frowned and slid an inch away from me in the booth.
“Aren’t you happy for me?” he asked.
“Of course, I am,” I managed to say.
“You don’t seem like it,” he said, still frowning.
“I’m just trying to wrap my head around it,” I explained. “I had no idea this was going to happen and it just…”
“I’ve been talking about it since we met,” he reminded me impatiently.
“I know,” I said. “I mean, I didn’t know it was going to happen right now.”
“But it’s a good thing!” he promised.
“It is,” I agreed with a nod. “For you.”
My words fell on his ears and I watched as his expression went from slightly confused to completely annoyed. I immediately knew what he’d been hoping for. Kellan thought I would jump with joy. He imagined me throwing my arms around him and congratulating him on a job well done, but I couldn’t do that. Not when I only just found out he was leaving me.
“I can’t believe you aren’t more excited,” he said. “Damn Julia, I thought you wanted this for me.”
“I do!” I said, “But you don’t have to sound so damn cheerful about it.”
“Why wouldn’t I be happy?” he demanded. “I’m finally getting everything I’ve always wanted. For years, I’ve thought of nothing else. Becoming an Alpha is my destiny. I thought you knew that. I thought you understood this was going to happen someday.”
“Kellan,” I began slowly. My voice was shaking slightly and I had to close my eyes to focus properly. “I am happy for you and I do understand, but can’t you see how upsetting it is for me? You just told me you’re leaving and you don’t seem the slightly bit upset by it.”
“Why would I be upset?” he asked. He threw his hands up in frustration. “I have everything I want. I’m going to be an Alpha. I’ll be training in Coronado with the most elite shifters in the military by the end of the week. And, I have y…”
“So, then go,” I snapped.”
“What?” he asked. I watched as his face fell.
“Just go,” I repeated. “If you’re so happy to be leaving, then leave. You don’t have to stick around and rub my face in it.”
Kellan looked at me like I had slapped him.
I couldn’t believe he would be so heartless as to smile through our breakup. How could he tell me he was leaving and not even act a little sad?
“Julia,” he began. “What the hell is wrong? Where is this coming from?”
“You’re leaving me and you’re happy about it,” I blurted out. Tears were forming in my eyes and I couldn’t stop them from overflowing.
“Is that what you think?” Kellan laughed weakly. He slid closer to me and held both of my hands in his. “Julia, I’m not leaving you.”
“So, you aren’t going to Coronado?” I asked.
“No, I am,” he nodded. “But that doesn’t mean we have to be over.”
“What does it mea
n then?” I asked.
“Well,” he began. I could see the wheels in his head turning as he tried to work through his thoughts.
“You haven’t even thought about it, have you?” I asked, the pain evident in my voice.
“I just found out this morning, Julia,” he said defensively. “I haven’t had time to work everything out yet.”
“There’s nothing to work out,” I said weakly. I turned my head and took a giant swig of my drink. I stared down at the table angrily and tried to keep more tears from falling.
“What does that mean?” he asked. His voice sounded so small, so unlike Kellan, that I looked up in surprise. He was staring at me, his eyes searching mine. I didn’t have an answer to his question. All I knew was that my heart was breaking and I couldn’t make it stop.
“It means,” I began. “You didn’t even stop to think about what this would mean for our future. Which tells me we don’t have one.”
“Julia,” Kellan said, his words pleading for resolution.
“There’s nothing else to say,” I said quickly, not wanting to drag out the conversation any more than we already had. A quick goodbye would be best for both of us.
“I’m sorry,” he said. His head sagged and he stared down his hands which were once again wrapped tightly around mine. I watched him and waited for him to say something else.
Anything else.
But he didn’t.
When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I pulled my hands free and stood up.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“What’s the point in hanging around any longer?” I asked. Every part of me was aching.
“To say goodbye,” he suggested. “We won’t see each other for a long time and…”
“It all ends just the same,” I said, cutting him off. “Whether I sit here with you for another three hours or not for another second, nothing will change. You’ll still leave, and I’ll still be here.”
“Julia…”
I turned and left without looking back. I thought he would stand up and follow me outside, tell me he loved me or ask me to wait for him. Something. Anything at all.
When I pushed the door open and stepped out into the parking lot I knew I was hoping for nothing. The cool evening breeze hit my face and quickly dried the tears that were still on my cheeks.
Despite the pain that accompanied that memory, it still wasn’t the worst I’d felt. The worst pain came later. After Kellan left town. After I realized he wasn’t going to try to see me before he did. After I realized that night in Jackson’s was our last night together. After I had spent hours crying myself to sleep and wishing, more than anything, that I’d stayed in that booth just a little longer.
Ten
Julia
It had only been a week since my last conversation with Kellan and still, I woke up with a stomachache almost every morning. I hated feeling like such a lovesick girl. Kellan crossed my mind at least ten times a day. No matter how busy I was, he always found a way to creep back up and take over my thoughts. To remind me just how much I missed him.
I knew it was coming. Kellan was always talking about the Alpha Squad. How he would be with the most elite shifters. That for any shifter in the military, this was the end goal. It shouldn’t have been a surprise. And yet, it was. It knocked the wind out of me and damn near broke me. The worst part was his smile. It was like he was happy to be leaving me, like our entire relationship had just been him marking time until he could begin his real life.
Thinking about it made my stomach roll again. That morning, I shot out of bed and hurled myself into the bathroom. I threw up everything in my stomach, which wasn’t much, and curled into a ball on the floor. When Lacey found me, she sat down next to me and rubbed my back slowly.
I rolled over to face her, knowing how pathetic I must seem to someone as strong as her.
“He’s just a boy,” I said, my voice weak. “I don’t know why it’s affecting me so much.”
“Because you love him,” she said gently.
“So, what?” I argued.
“So, it’s going to hurt for a while,” she said. “But, Julia, I don’t think that’s why you’re sick.”
“What do you mean?”
Lacey sighed and reached behind her. Slowly, she laid a box down beside and brushed my hair off my face.
“I’ll be right outside if you need me.”
I frowned and watched her leave, closing the bathroom door softly behind her. When I looked down at the box in my hand I almost screamed. The pregnancy test Lacey had given me felt like it was burning a hole in my hand.
I sat up quickly, fighting another wave of nausea. The box fell onto the floor and I stared at it for a few seconds. All I knew in that moment was that she was wrong. I wasn’t pregnant. Kellan and I were always careful. I had been on the pill for two years. There was no way this could have happened.
Still, something tugged at the back of my mind. One night when we were drunk… After we left Jackson’s… Did we use protection that night?
I counted backward, realizing it had been about six weeks since that night and that I hadn’t had a period in almost two months.
My heart was pounding as I opened the box and took the test. When I laid it down on the bathroom floor to wait, I couldn’t tear my eyes away. For every single second of those three minutes, I watched the little screen waiting for it to tell me my fate.
When the plus sign appeared, my stomach rolled and I threw up again. Lacey hurried into the bathroom and pulled my hair off my neck. I could feel her rubbing my back and I knew she knew. She’d known all along.
Heartbreak wasn’t the only thing Kellan Alexander had left me with.
I was having his cub.
When the memories passed, I was still sitting on that curb with my head in my hands. Part of me wanted to stay there forever, but a bigger part forced me to my feet. Whether Kellan was still there or not, I had to go back. My family would be worried. Lacey had probably already verbally accosted Kellan. I couldn’t hide forever.
Slowly, I walked through the streets until I reached Kellan’s. I went around the back so I could enter he way I left, but it didn’t matter. When I walked inside, the place was almost entirely empty. Only my mother and a few distant relatives were left.
“Where’d you go?” my mom asked as I walked up to her.
“Just had to clear my head,” I explained.
“Uh huh,” she nodded and gave me a scrutinizing look. She didn’t say it, but I knew she’d seen me leave after Kellan arrived.
“Lacey take the kids home?” I asked.
“She did.”
“Do you need any help cleaning up?”
“No, I think we’ve got it handled.”
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll just meet you at home then.”
I turned to leave, when I felt her fingers brush against my arm. I looked up at her. Her eyes were watching me the same way they did that morning all those years ago. The morning Lacey and I told her. She looked at me with concern and a motherly intuition I recognized all too well.
I waited for her to speak. She didn’t. She simply looked at me with so much understanding it made my eyes fill with tears. I stepped closer to her. She wrapped her arms around me and held me against her chest. I breathed in the familiar smell of her perfume and let myself relax for the first time since I arrived in Mountain Creek. Of all the things I missed, I didn’t realize how much I needed this.
When she let me go I wiped my eyes and left the bar without saying goodbye. Lacey and Jack took the car and I didn’t want to wait for my mother, so I decided to walk home. It wasn’t far, just a couple miles, and it would give me a chance to clear my head before I saw the rest of the family. Especially Lillian.
Eleven
Kellan
I drove home from the wake with my head spinning. When I pulled into my driveway, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sit still for long. Without going inside, I walked down the driveway and back int
o town. I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew I needed to move. I could have changed, ran through the woods, but something kept me in human form. I needed to maintain this reality, to think.
Seeing Julia didn’t go how I planned, but that wasn’t what was weighing on my mind. Julia running out of the pub left me feeling sad, but I could understand her desire to get away. Lacey’s words were what made me rethink everything I thought I knew.
“I know it may have not seemed like anything to you, but what you and Julia had meant everything to her. You broke her heart.”
As I walked through town, I replayed my entire relationship with Julia. I remembered our conversations, our late nights together, all the time we spent talking about our hopes and dreams for the future. Back then, I thought we were on the same page. I thought Julia understood me better than anyone ever had or ever could. She accepted everything about me. I remember telling her I was a bear, she didn’t even blink. Nothing could have kept us apart.
And now nothing could have been further from the truth. That much was obvious. What didn’t make sense is how I could have been so wrong, how I could have misconstrued the entire thing for the past five years. That last night in Jackson’s was so long ago, but it stood out vividly in my mind. She was angry at first. Sad. But, so was I. I explained why I had to leave and I thought she understood. I apologized. And she walked away. I could still see her curls disappearing through the front door and out into the parking lot. I remembered wanting to chase after her, but not knowing what I would say. She just needed time, I told myself. We would find our way back to each other. Surely, she felt that way, too?
Or did she? Was I just deluding myself all these years? Had my decision to leave destroyed all the feelings Julia had for me? Had she spent the past five years hating me for choosing the Alphas over her?
Damn. I felt weaker than I had in months as these questions and memories overwhelmed me. My head was pounding as Lacey’s words echoed in my mind. My arms and legs felt like jelly. My eyes and chest were heavy with crushing anxiety. I walked faster.
