She tried so hard to keep the sadness from soaking into her expression, but when Grey touched her chin and kissed her softly, she knew she hadn’t succeeded.
“Don’t think about it, angel, just get dressed and come with me. I want to share something with you.”
His words squeezed her heart.
Share something with me, before you go.
She forced a smile and crawled from the bed she’d just spent, arguably, the best night of her life in. Within the hour, she was zipping up PCH with Grey in a low-slung convertible he’d borrowed from a local dealer that morning before she wakened. Grey reached across and took her hand in his, his thumb mindlessly running over her knuckles. It was a gorgeous day, the kind Southern California was known for. The sun was bright in a cloudless sky, the scent of the ocean was heavy in the air, and everything somehow seemed right with the world.
“You hungry?”
She shook her head. “Not yet.”
“Good.” He smiled at her with a look in his eyes that told her he had a secret. It was very five-year-old of him and very adorable.
A few more miles down the road, he pulled into a public parking lot that lined the sandy beach. They stopped and paid the ten dollar parking charge then drove to the end of the lot, where Grey pulled into a spot.
“Wait for me.”
He used that tone again that brokered no argument, and she stayed in her seat until he rounded the car and held the door for her.
“Leave your shoes.”
Again, she didn’t argue and pulled off the flat sandals she’d chosen to wear with the orange-and-black-print gypsy skirt and left them on the floorboard of the passenger side. Grey took her purse and locked it in the trunk then came back, wrapped his fingers in hers, and began leading her toward the water.
“I love the ocean.” She had from the time she was a child. It always seems so vast, and here alone she felt free. She looked up at Grey, who seemed lost in thought, and realized she had that same feeling of freedom with him, which was really silly when she thought about it.
“Why is it that letting you dominate me makes me feel so free? Shouldn’t I feel more controlled than ever?”
He brushed his hand under her chin and brought his lips to her forehead.
“D/s is a contradiction in terms. Few truly understand it. Our culture has a stereotype that is so far from the truth, but I find cultures in general feel more content when they can compartmentalize things they don’t understand and place them in boxes. However, the reality is, my dear, that as the sub, you really have all the control. Nearly my every waking thought is about how I can take care of you, bring you pleasure, feed the desire we both feel and remember. Everything stops when you say stop. I imagine the freedom you feel is from simply having boundaries and clearly expressed rules that dictate our behavior and”—he brushed his finger down the bridge of her nose—“you trust me.”
She smiled. That she definitely did. It was inexplicable just how much she trusted him. She hadn’t been aware that she was capable of this kind of trust, but with Grey, it simply seemed natural.
He dragged her along the sand a few more minutes until they reached a tall rock wall, then they continued to the water along it. All the while, Anne continued to ponder her own question. Everything they’d done over the week she enjoyed immensely. The sensations she felt were unlike anything she’d even imagined before. She liked who she was with Grey and wondered if it were just Grey or if it was being submissive she liked so much. She wondered if after he left, and her heart had mended, of course, if she could find a real relationship in the BDSM community and perhaps find the peace her soul had long sought out.
They walked out into the water about knee-deep. Anne pulled her skirt up around her ass that was still sore and told her so with every step she took, but the memories only made her smile and blush. After they rounded the rock jetty, Grey led her back up onto shore between two large rocks jutting out into the ocean that nearly enclosed the tiny strip of beach entirely. They came ashore into a narrow valley beach surrounded on all sides by tall jagged rocks in shades of black and gray, with vines growing up to their tops. In sporadic places, there were birds’ nests built into the crags, and tall grasses grew along the base in the sand.
“This is beautiful.” She was awed by what she saw but also by what she felt. There was something reverent about the space, almost as if, rather than a beach, they’d stepped into a cathedral.
“It’s one of my favorite places in the state. Used to be a hangout for gangs and drug dealers, but about a decade ago, they cleaned up the entire stretch of beach. Though there still aren’t any patrols in here, there’s enough along the adjoining beaches on either side that stopped all criminal activity. Now you get the occasional nude sunbather, or teens fucking, but that’s about it.”
She got a shiver thinking about having sex there, in public, but not exactly public. Where you could get caught but probably wouldn’t get caught. She felt herself growing wet just with the thought and wondered if that was why Grey had brought her out there.
“Good God, you little vixen!”
She blinked and tried to clear her mind while she innocently asked, “What?”
He wrapped his hands in the floral scarf she wore around her neck and pulled her to him.
“Don’t what me all innocently. You want me to fuck you here in the open where anyone might see you.”
She opened her mouth to deny it, but he didn’t give her the chance before bringing his mouth down on hers in a hot, fiery kiss that sent the last of her conscious thought scurrying like insects for a dark crevice to hide in. His tongue pushed into her mouth and caressed her with an aura of ownership, and she surrendered to it immediately. Her body melted. Her will deserted her. All she wanted was Grey. All she would ever want was Grey.
He pulled away.
She whined in protest.
He smacked her on the ass and winked. “That’s not why we’re here, angel.”
He wound his fingers with hers again and tugged her toward the rocks until he was leading her inside a hidden cave entrance. She followed him quietly a few steps, hunched over as the roof of the space was too low to allow her to stand straight. She fought off her feelings of claustrophobia, knowing Grey would always protect her and keep her safe. Her heart warmed as she realized how deeply she believed that.
“Close your eyes.”
“What?” At that command, she felt a quick surge of panic.
“Do you trust me, Anne?”
She released a breath, her body instantly relaxing in response to him.
“Of course I do, Grey.” She closed her eyes, not that he would know as he was stooped over in front of her, but she obeyed.
He led her only a few steps farther then put his hands on her forearms and straightened her body. She could hear waves crashing nearby, and the heavy scent of salt was very present. In the distance, she heard gulls, and if she didn’t know better, she would have sworn she felt sunlight on her face.
“Okay, look.”
When she opened her eyes, she first noticed they were in a space about the size of a fast-food restaurant. The rocks formed windows and skylights and allowed sunlight to filter down into the space in ethereal streaks of light. Waves crashed on the rocks, splashing droplets of white water into the air.
“Oh my God.” The words came out on a breath as she took in the beauty all around her. “Grey, this place is…”
She turned to face him and searched his eyes, trying to find the word she was looking for, but he just smiled back at her and said, “I know.”
The sand beneath her feet was damp, and on occasion, a particularly strong wave crashed through one of the openings in the stone and washed around her ankles.
“So if we didn’t come here to have sex…” She was genuinely confused at this point.
“I just wanted to share it with you.” He stared at her in a way she hadn’t seen before. If she didn’t know better, he almost seemed ne
rvous, vulnerable. “I come here to pray.”
Her brows rose in question, because of all the things she could have thought for him to say, that was…Well, that wasn’t it.
“Oh…kay…um, but why did you bring me with you? Isn’t prayer a rather private matter?”
He took both her hands and squeezed them. “Come with me.”
He walked to the back of the room where the sand was dry and the stone created a natural ledge and pushed her to sit, then sat beside her, pulling his legs up crossed before him, he faced her.
“I was raised a pretty strict Baptist. I don’t do religion anymore, but I keep my connection to the God I knew as a child as strong as I can, because it matters to me. I like to come here because I can feel him here. I wanted to share. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what you told me, Anne, about your mother and your upbringing. I want to share with you my story if you’ll allow it.”
She fought back the same constant need she had to put up walls whenever the subject of God or religion came up.
“I’d be honored to hear it.”
He smiled and squeezed her hand, and she relaxed slightly.
“I, too, was raised in a pretty strict religious home. Baptist. I understand that religion can give people faith and encouragement, but mostly, what I always saw was a lot of people who were more concerned with their reputations and judging others than with the state of their own hearts. I. Don’t. Do. Religion. Any. More,” he repeated.
“When I moved to Hollywood, I wanted as far away from the God I had grown up knowing, who was supposedly kind and loving but let my dad beat the shit out of my mom every Friday night like clockwork after he got shitfaced at his lodge.”
She gasped. There was something she’d never seen written about him, and she wondered how a child who grew up in such a violent home could be so deeply kind and giving. Not just to her, but she saw in his eyes how deeply he treasured his little girl and knew with everything she was he’d never lay a hand on her.
“You know I got involved with drugs and alcohol, but what you probably don’t know is how bad it really got. My manager kept putting me in rehab, but celebrity rehab is nothing more than a health spa. I was able to get drugs into six of the nine facilities I was in. Maybe someday I’ll give you the whole gory story, but the point is, after Sophie, I got damn serious about sobriety.” He drew a breath, and pain flashed in his eyes. “Brittany didn’t stay sober throughout the pregnancy, and the media only printed Sophie had been born premature, but the truth is, she’d been born premature and addicted to meth, Anne. She very nearly died.”
Anne felt her heart squeeze tight. She had no idea what, if anything, she could say to him, so she simply stayed quiet and awaited the rest of his story.
“I held my four-pound daughter in my one hand and thought she was going to die that night. I can’t explain it, but in that moment, I changed. I prayed for the first time in decades, if I’m honest, and I did the crappy, just save my daughter and I’ll do anything you want prayer, but it was how I felt. It was all I knew to do. God, I’ve never felt that helpless in all my life, not even watching my father pound his fist into my mother’s face.”
He bit his lip and shook his head, and Anne could tell he was getting lost in a memory. She reached forward and took both his hands in hers and squeezed them tight. “So then what happened?”
He pushed his hand through her hair. Cradling her neck, he pulled her forward for a soft, tender kiss.
“Thank you. I guess after that, you can say I half-assed my way through rehab, serious rehab this time, one day at a time, and I grew to believe there is something bigger than I am out there. Call him God, Buddha, Allah, I don’t care, but I know him, and I grew to lean on him for strength and wisdom, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank that something for my daughter’s life and for my sobriety.”
He cupped her cheek, brushing his thumb over her cheek bone.
“Anne, I’d never tell you what to do about your spiritual life, but the pain in your eyes when you told me about your experience”—he drew a sharp breath—“I can’t give you forever. Hell, I can’t give you much at all, but if I could somehow help to heal that part of your life…” He looked into her eyes with great intensity. “Anne, that’s almost all I’ve prayed for since you told me.”
She felt the urge to draw back, but she resisted.
“Grey, it’s not magic, and it’s not that easy. The only thing I feel when I think of God is how bad I am, how much wrong I’ve done. I’d just a soon keep as much distance between us as possible.”
The second he mentioned God, she thought not only of all the mistakes she personally had made in her life but of all the things they’d done together. A blush had gone all the way to her core. She chewed on her lip, seriously not certain of what more to say.
“This week with you has meant more to me than I ever could have expected. You’ve surprised me, Anne, so much. The trust you’ve placed in me and the way you come apart in my arms. I loved being a part of your journey in finding your submissive nature. I found it near impossible to keep the walls up I ordinarily do like second nature, but you kept climbing over them, one after another, until I realized I didn’t want to have any walls between us.”
He reached out and caressed her cheek. His touch always calmed her instantly, and this time was no different.
“I honestly do understand what you’re saying, but the God I know really doesn’t care about who you’ve been or what you’ve done. No one else knows this part of me.” He raised one shoulder to his ear then lowered it. “I want you to know this part of me but not if it’s going to hurt you.”
Her stomach turned like the water swirling in the tide pools.
“Grey, I…”
She couldn’t entirely place why she was so apprehensive. She had nothing against God or the people who wanted to practice religion. She just knew it wasn’t for her. Maybe it was just getting this close to Grey that made her feel so uneasy, but that seemed strange considering how close she’d let him get already.
“Thank you.” She left it at that. A bit simplistic, but how could she explain something she didn’t understand herself?
“You asked me a question before, about how you could feel so free by giving up your control. Like I said, I think the thing most people don’t understand about a D/s relationship is the power exchange. It truly is the sub that has all the control. You’ve seen that this week, haven’t you? You decide what we do, how far we go, what you’re comfortable with. My job as the dom is, first and foremost, to make certain you feel safe, that you are safe. I think women in particular who enjoy being submissive in bed tend to have the world on their shoulders in their regular life, so it’s a release to turn over control in a setting where you know you are perfectly safe to do so…I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that, but I imagine it’s very freeing to the soul.”
She felt moisture gathering in her eyes. He was the absolute perfect mate to her soul. She knew that now more than ever, yet she was going to lose him. How could it be that such a perfect fit wasn’t meant to last a lifetime? It seemed so silly to be so emotional. She tried to hide it, but he pulled her hands away and tipped her face into the light.
“Never hide yourself from me, Anne. Not physically. Not emotionally. I never want you to feel you have to hide something of yourself.”
That only made it worse. Cole hated when she cried. In fact, she’d spent a great deal of time training herself how not to cry despite how badly she wanted to. Now here was this amazing man who seemed to want all of her, even her tears. Only, he didn’t want her forever. He only wanted her through the night. Still, she fell against his chest, let her tears rise to the surface, and accepted Grey’s warmth and comfort.
“Anne, you are an incredibly strong, complex, giving, sensitive woman.” He leaned back, tipped her chin up, and looked down into her eyes. “Never let anyone make you feel like less than that. I wish you could see you the way I see you when
you submit to me. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful.”
She understood better than he knew. She still held the memory of him in the plastic restraints. It was an image burnt into her mind permanently. There was a sensation so strong in her heart to simply surrender all that she was to him, but she had to hold back. He was going to obliterate her when he left as it was. She couldn’t give him any more of herself than she already had.
“Thank you.” There wasn’t much more to say. As the day went on, she was becoming more and more aware of the ticking clock on their time together, and nothing really seemed worthwhile talking about. She just wanted to be with him. She went with her impulse and climbed into his lap, straddling him and wrapping her arms and legs around him. She held him so tight, wishing that would somehow be all she needed to do to keep them locked in that time and place forever.
“Angel, please don’t.” He pulled her away from him enough so he could look in her eyes. He brushed his hand along her cheek in a motion that always calmed her instantly.
She drew a breath, determined not to make this day any harder than it had to be. The waves crashed against the rocks in thunderous bursts while the salt spray scented the air all around them. The sunlight shone down on them in such a light and ethereal way that she nearly felt as though it wasn’t real. A movie set maybe, but none of it could be real. He wasn’t real. They weren’t real. This had all been fantasy from the very beginning, but somewhere along the way, she forgot that and she let him have her heart.
“It doesn’t have to be good-bye forever, Anne. I just don’t know what my life will be like in the coming months, and I don’t want to make promises I may not be able to keep.”
She shook her head and found some of her better senses.
“No, good-bye is cleaner. I know and understand why this has to end. It’s just hard because I never expected to feel so much, but please don’t feel like you have to prolong something we both agreed would only last a week or so more simply because you feel sorry for me. Yes, I’m having a hard time with this ending. It’s been the best week of my life, Grey. I’ve learned so much about myself from being with you. You’ve changed me, or maybe more to the point, you pulled out the real me that had always been buried deep inside, but now we have to go our separate ways. You have a path to walk that I can’t walk with you, and I have a new desire for life inside me that I hadn’t before. A hope that someday I may find the thing my heart has longed for always, but I never had a label for it.”
Lucas, Samantha - The Seduction of Anne Ruby [The Seduction 2] (Siren Publishing Classic) Page 24
