by Jayce, Aven
“God dammit! Son of a fucking bitch!” I scream.
“Hey!” a voice calls out from an open window of the house next to us. “There’re children in this neighborhood. Watch your language.”
I ignore the words and keep walking, heading for a small playground at the end of the street.
“Sophia, come on. Let’s go back.”
“No!”
“Where are you going? This is ridiculous that you keep taking off whenever you get upset. Fucking grow up a little bit.”
I turn and throw him an evil eye. “Excuse me?”
“I’m sorry. Trust me, I understand exactly how you feel and walking away from everyone to deal with the sadness and anger on your own isn’t healthy. You have people who love you and want to help you... so let us. Let us in.”
I stop at the edge of the playground and stare. He places his hand on my shoulder and exhales a deep breath. “Soph, come on. Let’s walk back and get ready to fly home.”
“I want to swing,” I whisper.
“What?”
“On the swing set.” I take his hand in mine and we walk into the playground. “I want to go back to before the time my father left when I was a toddler, to when my days were spent doing things like this. My only worries were how high I could go.”
He resists and jerks me back. “Don’t do this. It’s not healthy.”
“Well, then why do you swim?”
“It frees my mind and relaxes me. It’s not the same as wanting to regress back to childhood. You can go ahead and handle things any way you’d like, escape on that swing if you believe it will change the past, but I’m heading back to the house. I’ve done things like this to push reality out of sight, but it was to stay alive or to protect the people I love. I’m not going to stand around and watch you feel sorry for yourself or sink into a state of depression without allowing the people around you the opportunity to help. You’re not alone anymore, Sophia. No one expects you to be in complete control of your emotions right now, or to even smile anytime soon, but I will be pissed off if you choose to fucking walk away from me to escape onto a swing set like a four-year-old. I’d like to believe my heart’s more comforting than cold metal and chains. And if you don’t think it is, then fuck you. Getting on that swing might give you a few minutes of pleasure, but then what? You still haven’t dealt with reality. It’s the same as all the guys you told me you fucked. How did that work out for you?” He turns and walks away and I follow him with my head down like a puppy that was scolded after soiling the carpet. He’s right. Damn, he’s right, and I fucking hate it.
He pauses on the sidewalk, turns, and waits for me to catch up. I approach in shame, looking down at his bare feet until he lifts my chin and shakes his head at my tears. “I love you. I’m sorry your father did this to you, and I promise you we’ll both get through this pain. Stay strong for me and I’ll stay strong for you.” He leaves a soft kiss on my lips and pulls me into his arms.
“I’m ready to leave, Cove. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“He hates to fly.”
I smile at Leondra’s words and nod as the two of us wait to board the plane. She spent a few hours talking to me about Mera when Cove and I returned to the house this morning. I’m much calmer now because of her kind, motherly words of reassurance, and thankful to have her in my life.
“I know he hates to fly, but it’s only two in the afternoon and I just watched him throw back three shots. Have you ever had a conversation with him about his drinking?”
“He’s an adult.”
“But he’s still your son, and I have a feeling this started a long time ago, probably years before he turned twenty-one. Does his father drink?”
“No, only a glass of wine with dinner or a beer every once in a while, not hard liquor like Cove. This isn’t something he inherited from my husband. I’m sure Cove’s told you that Paul would force him to drink; it was always around him and expected of him. That mentality probably stems back to your father’s fraternity days. My son became a ‘member’ and did what the other members of your father’s business did, like a brother would do in a frat.”
“That was college... they were in their thirties when they started this with Cove. You’d think the assholes would’ve grown out of it when they left their fucking frat house.”
“You’d think a lot of things, sweetheart.”
I nod again and marvel at the new clothes Leondra bought us on our way to the airport. Cove leans against the bar in a black woolen trench coat, a grey fitted oxford shirt, blue jeans, and a black belt. I’m caught admiring his body and he gives me a good stare in return, looking me up and down, then biting his lip as he struts back over to us.
“You look irresistible in that long-sleeved dress,” he reaches out and touches the sleeve. “I still can’t believe how soft it is.”
“It’s cashmere, and I’ve never owned anything that was such a pretty color.”
“Dark green?”
“As a woman, I would call it ‘burnt olive with a touch of grey’, or the color of forest moss,” I reply in my most dignified and noble voice, while sitting straight and pretending to sip tea.
“I see,” he smiles. “Well, with the black tights and ankle boots I call it hot. You ready?” he asks and holds his hands out to both me, and his mother. “Let’s ride, or rock n’ roll, or get the fuck out of Dodge, or whatever you want to call it.”
“I’d say you’ve had plenty to drink for a while,” his mother says, finally jumping in as a start to help him get over this addiction. “Sophia and I have been discussing....”
“I know, I know, but I need a buzz to get on the plane. I’ll work on it when we get home.”
“Son, you’re starting to make excuses, and I won’t allow it to happen again. Not anymore. There’s no better time than the present for a change. Think about it.” He helps his mother with her bag, still smiling with flushed cheeks and dimples.
“It’s interesting that you own a wine bar and have a drinking problem. You’re around alcohol everywhere you go. Is there any way you can work from home instead of being in that environment?”
“Home. God, I can’t wait to show you my home, your home, you’ve only been there twice and haven’t even seen the upstairs.”
“You’re changing the subject, Babe.”
“No, I can’t work from home. I need to be at the Scarlett. I own the business.”
“Excuses,” Leondra whispers.
“Mother, please. I’ve been away for almost two weeks, there’re some things I need to take care of.”
“Nothing that can’t wait.” Leondra winks at me in a reassuring way as she hands her ticket to the woman at the gate. “Besides, I can take care of things for a while. You and Sophia have more to do than you realize. Life will be difficult for some time, Cove. You can’t jump right back into work.”
“I’m happy when I have a routine,” he mumbles.
“Create a routine that involves Sophia, and not the Scarlett. Pretend the two of you are on your honeymoon. End of discussion.”
“Not a problem.” He takes my hand and we head to first class where Leondra’s reserved seat is directly in front of ours. No privacy. I’ll have to be careful in terms of what I say during the flight home, and remember to keep my mouth shut about getting a pregnancy test.
“You have no idea how excited I am to be going home and that you’re coming with me. Our home, Sophia. Our home. It’s a powerful feeling. I’m giddy. Can men be giddy? If they can, that’s what I am. Full of excitement about having you with me, waking up next to you each morning, making you dinner. I’m going to spoil the fuck out of you.”
I laugh as we fasten our seatbelts and prepare for take off. “Spoil the fuck out of me? I’ve never heard that one before.”
Leondra’s head peers around the seat and she places her finger over her lips as a motion for us to keep our voices down. “Watch the language on the plane,” she whisp
ers, and turns back around.
Cove rolls his eyes and holds my hand as his legs shake with anxiety over the flight. Last time we rose into the air must have been difficult for him, since he was thinking about losing his virginity, and not disappointing me. Now, the nerves are purely from a fear of flying, and I can’t imagine what he’d be like without the alcohol in his system.
“Can I do anything for you?”
“Is it that obvious?”
“Jiggle your feet more than you already are and you’re going to rock the plane. It’ll be alright. Just hold my hand, squeeze it as tightly as you’d like.”
“Sorry, I’m such a wimp about certain things.”
“Everyone’s afraid of something, Cove.”
“You don’t seem to have any fears.”
“Devery would disagree with you on that one.”
“So, what are they?”
“I’m afraid of being alone, yet I’ve never been the type of person to have more than one or two friends at any given time. I’m afraid of growing up, or I used to be. I’ve been terrified of stepping into the real world since I graduated from college but that’s starting to change. I have a fear of long-term-relationships; I’ve always been a commitment-phobe, perhaps until now.”
“My phobia is a bit different than your fears, Soph,” he smiles and rests his head against the seat as the plane moves down the runway. “I wouldn’t be in this seat at alright now if I wasn’t tanked up.”
“Did you feel this way the first time you flew?” My question forces him to think for a moment, and my plan to distract him as we take off is working. Hopefully I can keep him talking until we’re up in the air.
“No, actually, I didn’t. My parents and I flew to Chicago for an art opening when I was around ten. My mother had some new photographs on display, and it was a pleasant trip.”
“So when did you start to feel this way?” The plane roars as we ascend into the sky and luckily he still doesn’t notice we’ve left the ground. His foot has stopped shaking and even though his grip is firm, he’s not cutting off my circulation like the last time.
“The second time I flew was with my father to Vegas. I was around fourteen, and already entangled in Paul’s business. Neither my father nor I knew what we were walking into. He thought it was some sort of website security meeting for the company, but it was actually similar to the party you witnessed the other night. It was the first time I was...”
“You don’t have to say anything else,” I whisper.
“The first time Paul gave me away to one of his clients,” he quickly responds and looks out the window to see that we’re high in the air. “Fuck,” he closes his eyes and shakes his foot. “We flew home and I was happy to get out of there, but it was the next time my father, and Doron too, he was there as well, tried to get me on a plane, that’s when I had my first meltdown. Why the fuck didn’t I ever think of this before? Put two and two together? I didn’t want to fly because I knew where the plane would be taking me.”
“It’s alright. You were too young and scared to make the connection, and it grew into part of your life as an adult.”
“Maybe now that I know...”
“Cove, darling,” Leondra’s voice cuts into our conversation. “I really don’t wish to hear about these things, especially in this environment. Can the two of you talk about something more joyful, or lower your voices so others can’t overhear?”
The plane levels itself, the engine noise decreases, and we’re finally out of Vegas. I wonder again about a funeral, and my father’s estate, while I’m sure thoughts about his father are weighing heavily on Cove. He massages my hand as we sit in silence until I eventually excuse myself to freshen up. I wish he would follow me, but I know he can’t with his mother watching and listening like a hawk, but then again why should she care what we do on the plane? She’s seen us in the middle of personal moments in the past.
“I thought you might be cold.” Cove’s soft voice invites me to snuggle under one of the blue airplane blankets when I return to my seat. I close the window shade; turn the stale air flowing from the vent away from my face, and slip out of my boots. Cove covers me with the scratchy blanket and runs his concealed hand along my leg. Yes, please. Do what I think you’re going to do.
“You in the mood?” he whispers.
I nod and stick the tip of my tongue playfully out and lick my lips in anticipation. Anything to pass the time. If he can take me to another place and change this hollow feeling inside of me, even for a brief moment, it’s absolutely, positively, perfectly fine with me.
“Not a sound,” he says in my ear as he slides his hand underneath my dress and up to my underwear.
Wait! We just talked about this back at the playground. His words were cruel but accurate, ‘how’s that worked out for you,’ he said, referring to my need to fuck or fool around to ease my depression. “Wait.” I hold his hand in mine knowing his touch is exactly what I desire, but understanding it will only mask the rest of my feelings, and once the first wave of an orgasm hits, I’ll crash again.
“Did you just stop me?”
“I think I did.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m still very upset about the party, your foot, my life, Mera, the murder, a suicide, the Rosens, porn, a possible pregnancy... should I go on?”
“But... hmm... I thought I could... this morning... you mad at me?”
“What pregnancy!” Leondra quickly turns and takes off her reading glasses with wide eyes.
“Come with me,” he says pulling at my arm to follow him to the restroom. He starts to close the door only to be stopped by a flight attendant.
“Sir, excuse me. Both of you, please, only one person allowed in there at a time.”
“We need a private space to talk,” I reply. She laughs and makes a motion for us to get out.
“I’ll leave the door open, just give us a few minutes,” Cove states.
“It only takes a few minutes,” she responds.
“We need to talk, and not within earshot of family, if you get my drift.” He looks over to his mother who’s still staring back at us. She waves with a large grin, probably ecstatic at the thought of being a grandmother. The flight attendant sees her and comprehends our dilemma.
“Leave the door open,” she demands, as she disappears with the beverage cart down the isle.
Cove disregards her request and locks us in. “Soph, sorry. Let’s hang out and talk if that’s what you want. I didn’t mean to make you uneasy.”
His breath smells of alcohol and his hands are shaking, so much that he has to place them in his jean pockets to keep them under control.
I look at his upper chest first. The top two buttons of his shirt are undone and his veins protrude and pulse along the side of his tense neck. He narrows his eyes questioning my intentions. “Your voice soothes me,” I whisper and set two fingers on his chest then walk them slowly up to his collar, neck, chin, finally stopping at his mouth. “This voice... here,” I tap his lips lightly with my fingertip until they part and I’m able to slip inside. He closes his eyes and lets out a deep sigh. My hands rush through his hair, down his back and around to his pockets where his hands are still hidden away. I pull them out, palms up, and circle the soft, middle, sensitive area with my thumbs. I’m patient, and eventually he stops shaking. He keeps his eyes closed and listens. “You comfort me. Your voice, the softness of your skin, the warmth and tenderness in your eyes... your words... you make me feel protected.”
“Sophia. What are you doing, Baby?”
“Making sure this is real.”
His body surges into mine and I’m pressed against the wall. He lifts my legs around his waist and storms my mouth like a bolt of lightning. “Tell me you didn’t just say that.” He runs his hand along my face then possesses the back of my neck with his hand. “Why are you thinking about this? Why now?”
“My therapy with Devery. Everything that’s happened. Mera, my father, and Patr
ick; none of them were real. What you said this morning by the swings. Growing up neglected and lonely. I’m confused. I don’t want to hurt you, Cove. I love you, I know I do. That sex addiction... Devery sending me to the sex addicts group, I... I need to make sure I never confuse a quick fuck to clear my head with us making love, or being in love.”
“First of all, you need to try and relax and turn your brain off. When we get back I’m taking you for a swim in the pool. You have to calm down, Soph. Second; Devery doesn’t always have to be right about your life and your feelings, nor about sex and making love. And what I said to you at the playground was out of anger; I fucked up and misspoke. It’s as simple as that. Everything else sounds like a jumbled mess in your mind, and it will take time to sort it all out, just don’t sort me out while you’re tossing files way, okay?”
I nod.
“Good,” he smiles. “You know, it’s okay to have an orgasm to escape and relax from the worries of the world. I don’t know why that should be viewed as a negative, or why you feel that it’s wrong. I think you’re confused about the difference between having one-night stands with a lot of men as opposed to having a lot of sex with one man.”
“How is it that you can process my life better than I can? God, I want you to fuck me.”
“Yeah?” he laughs.
“Yeah. I needed to make sure being touched by you when I’m this sad and distraught would be different from other people touching me in the past. I used them. I don’t want to treat you that way.”
“I’ll still be around after you cum, Soph. I’m not going anywhere.”
“That’s the difference, neither am I. So it’s okay. It’s all okay.”
“Excuse me,” the flight attendant knocks on the door. “Could the two of you please step out?”
“Ssshit. We better go. I don’t feel like getting arrested today for causing a disturbance on the plane.”
“Today? I don’t want to be arrested ever again,” I assert, while fixing my hair in the mirror. “Wow, maybe you should un-tuck your shirt, Babe. That’s really noticeable.”
He pulls his shirt out of his jeans to cover his erection and we smile as we pass the flight attendant on our way back to our seats. She’d never believe that nothing happened in there.
