5) Oh and how can I forget? I was approved for my first headlining story on my first day! I totally feel like a real columnist now since I get to reach out to publicists and such for interview requests with clients. I think it’s finally hitting me that I work for a legit magazine now and that I’ll get to meet celebrities because of it. Perhaps I can manage to squeeze some kind of story in on Channing Tatum or something and somehow convince him to let me have his baby. Or maybe Dwayne Johnson. Or Cam Gigandet. Oh God, the possibilities would be endless!
All in all, my first day was rather groovy aside from the unpleasant encounters with the office’s biggest skank. I made new friends and feel pretty optimistic about everything. I’m definitely drunk, which was stupid to do on a work night. Then again, after the day I had, I actually deserve to be able to come home and drink a whole bottle of Merlot if I feel like it. Maybe I’ll dream about drunken sex with Silas? Ha, maybe I’ll taunt Taylor all night by playing jungle noises and yelling, “I’ve found a way for you to communicate with your family,” through the wall. That would be rad. We shall see!
xoxo,
B
Chapter Three
Thursday, January 15th
5:05 a.m.
In bed
NOT FUCKING AGAIN!
I stare at the ceiling as the pounding against my wall from Taylor’s apartment continues. After staying up late last night writing a post for my column, I’m low on tolerance to deal with this when I’ve hardly slept. Considering that I have to deal with Madicunt again today, I need every minute of sleep I can get, or else I’ll end up on an episode of Snapped if she even breathes too hard around me. Why is this my life?
5:11 a.m.
Still in bed
Yeah, I can’t deal with this anymore.
Milo’s head pops up from his pillow next to my head when I sit up and turn to face the wall. Taking my fist, I pound as hard as I can a few times. “Knock it off, Taylor and Cliff! I seriously need to sleep!” I scream. I wait a few moments to determine whether I’ll have to knock again or threaten to call the police like I’ve seemed to have done this entire week so far.
There’s a moment of silence before Taylor says, “Wait, where are you going?”
“Cliff? Who the hell is that? Your boyfriend?”
I clutch my chest in dramatic surprise. There’s another man that isn’t the blond douche from three nights ago! Dun, dun, dun!
5:22 a.m.
Back in bed
I settle back in bed with a slight grin on my lips. Sweet, blissful silence. Maybe I should purposely call random names whenever she makes too much noise. Apparently it bothers them enough to make them leave. Well, excluding that Cliff guy. I doubt anything will make him stop considering that he likes fucking someone who sounds like a squeaky toy. He’s probably one of those guys who go around secretly sticking his dick in exhaust pipes. What a freak.
5:23 a.m.
Still in bed
Wait, isn’t that exhaust pipe thing some kind of fetish? I’m pretty sure I saw that on an episode of My Crazy Ex. Whatevs.
6:00 a.m.
Alarm
Why do I even attempt to try to sleep? What does a girl have to do to get decent sleep around here?!
I slowly sit up, find my slippers, and trudge across the room to slap the alarm button. Milo bounces off the bed and dashes to the living room, preparing to go outside to use the bathroom. I sigh. Well, the good thing is that I managed to get out of bed and not hit my toe on anything. Maybe that’s a sign of good things to come.
6:05 a.m.
Going down the stairs
Before I reach the bottom of the stairs on the second floor, I hear hushed voices talking. I peek over the railing to see the lady from 2C talking with the not-husband I’d seen the other day. She wears a short satin gown and stands so close to him that each time she inhales, her breasts are pressed against his chest.
“I’m tired of being a secret. When are you going to tell him?” the guy asks.
Uh oh. Things are definitely going to hit the fan soon.
“You have to be patience, baby. I promise we’ll be together when the time is right. It’s just a little complicated right now,” she says, kissing him gently.
He shakes his head and pulls away. “You’ve been saying that for over a year now and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. If you’re not going to leave him, then stop wasting my time.”
They’ve been together for a year? There’s no way she could’ve had that man at her house for that long and her husband not know about it. Who knows, maybe he’s cheating, too.
Milo barks at them and runs down the steps, blowing my cover. The woman jumps back from the guy and quickly shuts the door in his face, leaving him standing there confused. He stands there for a moment before shaking his head and turning, reaching into his leather jacket for a set of keys that jingles in his pocket. Milo and I follow behind him, again passing the woman’s husband as we walk out of the apartment building. That woman should be grateful for me. Had Milo not barked when he did, they probably would’ve still been standing there kissing and talking and her husband would’ve walked up on them.
Yeah, you’re welcome, lady.
6:07 a.m.
Outside
Waiting for Milo to do his business
I shiver in the cold morning air as I watch Milo walk around in circles as he sniffs the ground. The apartment door opens and Taylor walks out with her running gear on. I almost feel a little bad because I ruined her fun, but hey, that’s the price she’ll have to pay for my missed sleep. She waves at me and skips down the stairs, pausing for a moment when Milo barks at her before going back to sniffing the ground.
“Morning, Carolina,” she says. I grind my teeth. There’s no point in correcting her, as she’ll never call me by my name anyhow.
“Taylor,” I say, diverting my attention to Milo.
“Sooo, now that you’re working at the magazine, I wanted to help you out with material,” she says. I raise an eyebrow. I just knew she was coming over to whine about me cutting her little rendezvous short.
“How could you possibly help me?” I ask, my curiosity peaking.
“There’s a birthday party for London Carlton tonight at Glitz. You should come with.”
“London Carlton? The socialite?” I ask. That can possibly be interesting, actually.
“Yep. And supposedly her ex-BFF is supposed to be crashing her party and coming with London’s ex. I wouldn’t be surprised if a cat fight breaks out.”
I grin. It’s so great to know that there’s more on her mind than her vain thoughts and dick daydreaming.
“That sounds like it’ll be fun,” I say, watching Milo as he finally moves over to the tree and cocks his leg up. “What time?”
“The limo will be here around ten or so. Be sure to wear something nice. You may wind up in a magazine or on a tabloid magazine yourself. You are going to be around celebrities, you know,” she says.
Holy Santa Claus shit. A limo too?
She smirks at my expression. “Don’t look surprised, Carolina. This is the beauty of being friends and neighbors with a model! You get invited to cool things.”
Uh…I’m not too sure about this “friends” thing she speaks of, but hey, I’ll go along with it if it means I can leave with a story. Wait until Cunt Cakes hears about this!
“Well, thanks so much for the invite. I’d love to come with you,” I say.
She claps. “Yay! Great! We’ll talk later then. See ya!” she says and jogs away. Milo walks over to me and paws at my leg.
“Ready to go inside, boy?” I ask, looking down at him. He barks and heads toward the stairs. I guess that means yes.
6:20 a.m.
In the apartment building, second floor
“But ma, I was saving them!” John Wayne Gacy’s twin complains as his elderly mother put a white plastic bag outside of the door.
“You’re not going to have a dead rat in my freezer, Marty!
What the hell are you saving it for?” she asks with a hand on her hip.
I chuckle to myself. Perhaps Taylor’s right. Weird Marty may not have upgraded to human bodies yet, but he did have dead ones. And who would conveniently keep a dead rat next to their butchered meat? “Grab the pack of chicken from the freezer. It’s behind the rat carcass, I think.”
I know country people have their fair share of weird things in the freezer, but Weird Marty just makes everything extremely creepy. Not to mention fucking gross.
7:37 a.m.
Bedroom
This dress is way too tight. I may need to cut down on the donuts with raspberry filling and hit the gym.
7:38 a.m.
Still in my bedroom
Wait, what size is this? A size six? Ugh, I’m a fucking blimp now and can’t fit into most of my clothes. Better call Gary and tell him I’m pulling an Adam and Eve and coming to work with only a single leaf covering my vagina and my hair covering my boobs.
7:39 a.m.
In front of the mirror
Is my hair even long enough to cover my boobs?
7:40 a.m.
Still in front of the mirror
Yep, I’m good. Totally long enough.
7:56 a.m.
Still in my bedroom
After finally deciding that I look less sausage-like in a peplum blouse, white skinny jeans, and black booties, I grab my bag and head for the front door. Milo rolls around on the floor with a worn teddy bear, growling and shaking it around in his mouth.
“Be a good boy, Milo,” I say as I pull on my coat. He stops and looks at me for a few moments before taking the teddy bear in his mouth and trotting down the hall and into my bedroom.
Well, fine then. Don't care that I'm leaving.
8:22 a.m.
On the train
It’s entirely way too early in the morning to stink. There's no logical explanation for someone smelling like sweating cheese (if that's even a thing) and chopped onions. No reason. Fucking bastard’s going to end up making my mascara run from my eyes watering. God, I hate public transportation. Why can't I be rich already?
8:24 a.m.
Still on the train suffocating from someone’s B.O. issue
Blake Unfiltered blog post #785
This morning has been rather…interesting. First, I caught onto a conversation the cheating Cheaterface in 2C was having with her not-husband. It's only a matter of time before that whole situation blows up. Boy toy is getting a little impatient with being kept a secret. I'm still so confused as to how they ended up together in the first place. He's so young compared to her. And they've been doing this for a year? I could've sworn Mrs. Keller has two small children. Her boy toy must come over after they're in bed and before they have to get up for school. That's the only explanation for that. Either way, the day that blows up will make for good entertainment. I seem to miss those trashy talk shows when they come on television anyhow, so that would make up for it.
Taylor invited me to a birthday party that London Carlton is having. I kind of hate people who are famous simply because they're rich. She's the daughter of some old skeezer who has a successful hotel empire or something. Booooooring, although the potential drama with make for great gossip fodder, so there’s that.
Anyway, there's supposedly a predicted fight bound to happen due to her ex-BFF coming to her party with the boyfriend she stole from her. That's the only reason I said I'd go. Spending the evening with self-serving, vain assholes wasn't at the top of my “Things Blake likes to do” list. Wait until Madicunt hears about it. So can't wait to see her face when she knows I'm in and she's out, not that she's ever been in. Today is going to be fucking glorious.
xoxo,
B
As Told By Blake
By Blake Spencer
Oh baby!
Is it me or does actress Hayden Bullock look a bit rounder these days? The baggy clothes can’t fool us here at Hot Topic! Rumor has it that fiancé Logan Spacek didn’t create that bump! A close source to Bullock has admitted there have been issues in their relationship for a while. “Their work schedule has been conflicting and all they’ve been doing is fighting lately,” the source says. “[Logan] doesn’t trust her and accuses Hayden of cheating while he’s away filming movies and she doesn’t like all the accusations.” But does Spacek have a legit reason to be angry? Bullock has been spotted snuggling up to ex-boyfriend, model Maverick Davis, looking a bit too close for comfort for someone supposedly in the friend zone. Could Davis actually be the father of Bullock’s child and split America’s favorite couple apart? Tune in next time as we keep you up to date on this story.
Love and gossip,
Blake
Small Girl, Big City
By Madison Hill
[Insert something mundane and boring here because Madicunt is such a mundane and boring twit. God, I hate her.]
9:22 a.m.
Meeting room
“Okay, listen up, guys,” Madicunt calls out, slapping the flippers she calls hands together. “I'd hate to have to report anyone to Gary for infractions.” She looks directly to me as I giggle at a joke Leo made.
I'd hate to report anyone to Gary, I mentally mimic. What a nark.
We all go quiet and focus on her and the whiteboard. After making sure all eyes are on her, she continues.
“I just wanted to let everyone know that there's a big birthday party tonight for London Carlton,” she says. I grin to myself and try to contain the smirk forming on my lips. “According to the Twitter spat last night, it seems there’s a possibility that there will be issues if Jamie Kent shows up with London’s ex-boyfriend Riley Harper. I need everyone on social media tonight to see what happens. Although we won't be the first to break the story, we need to quick on our toes.”
“Maybe we will be one of the first,” I say. Everyone looks at me while Madicunt rolls her eyes.
“Don't be daft, new girl. The only way we’d be one of the first is if one of us were invited to this party,” she says.
“I'm invited,” I admit, unable to wipe the smug grin that planted itself on my face.
“You lucky son of gun,” Carrie Jo exclaims. “How'd you manage to do that?”
“My friend and neighbor is a model. She invited me this morning,” I answer. Probably the only time I’ll refer to Taylor as a friend.
The room fills with surprised chatter until Free Willy claps her fins again. “Quiet. We’ll believe it when we see it. And I'd prefer video, as it's easy to photoshop yourself into pictures,” she says, her tone drenched in sarcasm.
I shrug. “Fine with me. I'll even Snapchat the whole thing, so make sure you're following me. You won't want to miss it,” I counter.
“Can you bring anyone with you?” Shayla asks, nearly bouncing around in her seat. “We’ve never had anyone who had connections to get into parties and such.”
Madicunt rolls her eyes and shakes her head, obviously jealous that I have an invite and she doesn’t. Twat.
“It's not that big of a deal. She got invited to a party; so what?” she says.
“Uh, it's a very big deal. Everybody that's somebody is going to be there and one of ours has access to it. This could be great!” Leo exclaims.
“Well, we’d need pictures, so if you can bring someone, take Kevin with you,” Madison says. Or at least I assume that's what she said. I don't speak whale.
And Kreepy Kevin? I'd rather fuck myself with a cactus than occupy a space that could put me at risk of having to dance, talk, or be seen with him. I'd have to be completely shitfaced and I don’t trust him to be drunk around him either.
“I have plans tonight,” Kreepy Kevin says. Thank God.
“Isn't Silas a photographer?” I ask, already knowing the answer. Her face turns red as I turn to him. “Would you like to come with me?”
“Silas is too busy to—”
“Sure, I'm down,” he says.
Blake — 2, Cunt cakes — 0.
10:07 a
.m.
My desk
“Can I just say how jealous I am?” Shayla says as we sit at our computers. “You're so lucky! Forget Silas; take me with you!” She clasps her hands together, giving me her best puppies eyes.
As fun as it would be to party with Shayla, I really do want to go with Silas. Perhaps we can dance, have fun and maybe, just maybe, he’ll say more than a couple of words to me. It's almost as if I don't exist to him.
“I wish I could, Shayla, but remember it's just work. We do need the pictures in case something does happen. But if I'm invited to another party, I promise I'll take you with me.”
“I can live with that,” she finally agrees and turns her attention to her computer.
I glance across the room to see Silas fiddling with his camera. Oh, how I wish he would notice me.
12:32 p.m.
My desk
“Hey Spencer, great job on that article you uploaded last night. You're bound to break records in this place. It got over 300,000 hits so far,” Gary compliments.
I smile and timidly tuck a lock of hair behind my ear. “Thank you, sir.”
“Hey, Bossman, Blake here is going to a celebrity birthday party tonight,” Shayla says.
Gary raises an eyebrow and sits on the corner of my desk. “Is that right? How'd you pull that off?”
“Being friends with a model has its perks, I guess,” I say with an unsure shrug.
Musings of a Gossip Queen: A Chick-Lit Comedy Page 4
