by Len Webster
“The magic hasn’t disappeared.”
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, remembering Thailand and when he had pleaded for their connection to never dissipate. Then she rested her forehead against his and whispered, “It never will.”
“Stop stressing, James. The kids are going to be fine,” Louise, Noel’s mother, said to Clara’s father.
Stevie watched James Lawrence sigh and take a long pull from his Guinness. It had been half an hour since Noel and Clara’s family had arrived. And almost forty-five minutes since the couple had checked in.
“I’m getting worried,” Mr Lawrence pointed out. “They have to be at the gate in forty minutes, and they’re still over at the café talking.”
Stevie nodded along to the conversation but hadn’t added her input. Whatever Liam had said to Clara had affected her and her husband. But Stevie knew how much Clara loved Noel. This was just one of many speed bumps along the way.
The light squeeze of her hand under the table had her tilting her chin in her palm. Julian offered her a tight smile that she mirrored. She loved the way his thumb brushed against the back of her hand. It only made her want to wrap herself around him further. But this was a secret. And this they were to lie about. But she would try this. When the dust from her destroyed walls had fallen, she had decided to ignore the past. She was adamant that she’d never tell Julian. But whether they had something worthy of forever, she had to protect him. She’d let him know the girl behind the mockingbird. But Stevie would make sure he would never know about that part of her.
“You’re frowning,” he whispered after he had inched closer to her.
“Our best friends are supposed to be happy, but they look miserable. I’m actually worried,” Stevie explained.
He let go of her hand as he rose up from his chair. “Extended family, Stephanie and I are going to go speak to your children before we have to get back to work. Please give Granny Parker and Noel’s brother our seats when they return from the bar.”
Stevie gave him a questioning gaze before he latched onto her arm and pulled her. She wondered the exact reason as to why he had lied. They didn’t have to go back to work. The only thing she had to do was note down the kinds of advertisements that were along the stretch of road leading out from the airport.
“All right, we’ll see you later, son,” Noel’s father, Marcus, said. It was always ‘son’ with Marcus.
After a round of goodbyes, they walked out of PJ’s and towards the small café located near McDonald’s. When they left behind Noel and Clara’s families, Julian hadn’t attempted to take her hand or make it clear that something was between them. He made it seem casual. He made it look like they were co-workers. A tease here and a bothered frown there. He made the perfect liar.
“Baby, you have to understand how hard this is for me,” she heard once they reached their table.
“I know. I’m sorry. I ruined our wedding and now our honeymoon,” Clara cried into her hands.
“We’re not interrupting, are we?” Julian asked.
“Nah, mate. We’ve got to head through security soon,” Noel stated. “Baby, do you want me to give you a second with Stevie?”
Clara lowered her hands from her face and nodded. Noel then took his wife’s left hand and kissed her wedding ring.
“I love you, Clara.”
“I know you do. I love you more.” She smiled at her husband. Then she picked up a napkin and dabbed under her eyes with it.
When Noel and Julian had headed towards PJ’s and left them alone, Stevie took the seat in front of Clara.
“What’s going on?” Stevie asked in a calm tone. She had learnt long ago that being forceful with Clara wasn’t the way to go. She had learnt many things from Clara Parker.
“I’m hurting Liam because I chose to marry Noel. And I’m hurting Noel because I hate that I’m still hurting Liam. I don’t want to leave with Liam that upset. I loved him. It hurts me to see him like the way I did on the bench. And it kills me to see Noel feel guilty because I’m so conflicted.” Clara took a deep breath. “And then there’s you and Julian… you both make me so mad! I can see how good you two are together. And you’re both pathetic liars. And I definitely know you two had sex!”
Stevie flinched and her heartbeat rapidly picked up. “We did not hav—”
“Save it. I saw the morning-after pill wrapper in the rubbish. I don’t use them, so it’s not hard to figure it out. When were you going to tell me that you had sex with Julian… recently?” Clara’s nostrils flared and then she dropped the napkin on the table.
Raising her hands up in defence, Stevie shook her head. “Who said anything about it being Julian who I had sex with.”
The brunette-cupcake-baker glared. “You’re a terrible liar. It was Julian.”
“Fine,” she breathed. “It was just once.”
“And you didn’t use protection? How could you be so careless after last time?” The threat and disappointment were heavy in Clara’s voice. But Clara didn’t know the truth about the miscarriage. Stevie had only confessed to a false positive on her pregnancy test to remind her to use birth control and to serve as a message about sex.
Stevie hung her head in shame. “I never intended for it to happen. I just… I needed to feel something with him. I needed to see if that magic was still there. I had more protection than I did when I was eighteen, Clara. Thank you for reminding me of my carelessness.”
“Stevie, I’m sorry that was—”
The shake of her head had Clara stopping. Stevie sniffed and looked up at her best friend. The pain in her chest had Stevie struggling to breathe. “You get to have the cute story. Where the first guy you sleep with isn’t a stranger. You’ve known him all your life, and it takes him living with you for you both to fall in love. My story isn’t that. Not even close. Mine is filled with lies, sex, drugs, alcohol, suicidal thoughts and attempts, miscarriage, and regret—”
“You what?” Clara’s eyes widened and her mouth gaped. The expression of horror succumbed her face. And so was the sympathy and pain.
Miscarriage.
“Oh God,” Stevie mumbled and shut her eyes tightly.
One more person knows.
Charles, Sophie, and now Clara.
“It wasn’t a false positive. You were actually pregnant… Oh my God, you were pregnant with Julian’s baby.” The disbelief was evident in Clara’s voice.
The pain hit her so fast that she wasn’t sure how she had managed to stand. The breaths she took didn’t feed her lungs, they merely swirled inside before she exhaled and attempted again. Numb. After all her years of searching for it, she had finally felt it. She didn’t feel. Someone new had heard the truth. She hadn’t confessed in two years.
“You have to tell him.”
“I can’t,” Stevie replied in a weak whisper. “It’ll kill him.”
“It’s killing you! I can see it. That’s why you’re so afraid to be with him. That’s why you panicked when my brother and his fiancée announced their pregnancy… That’s why you really asked if I used protection when I lost my virginity to Noel.”
“Stop, Clara. Please. Just please,” Stevie begged. It was easier with Charles because somehow he understood. He was calm. Sophie had walked in at the moment she told the truth about why she had run. But Clara was too involved to see why Stevie couldn’t tell him. Why she couldn’t come clean.
“I love you, Stevie. But—” Clara stood up and grabbed her hands. “I don’t think you should continue to grieve this on your own. I can see it in your eyes. You blame yourself for something you can never change. I understand blame. I also understand regret. And I know what self-punishment is like. Don’t keep torturing yourself. Julian will understand. I know him. And I know he would never blame you for something you couldn’t help. It wasn’t meant to be. The only way you’ll free yourself is if you tell him.”
Stevie hadn’t realised she was crying until she felt the tears roll down her face. “When di
d you become so wise?”
Clara smiled and then squeezed Stevie’s hands in hers. “When I realised my mistake was leaving Noel. I learnt and understood it all the moment I realised I was going to lose the love of my life and never be that happy again. I hate that I’m leaving for my honeymoon minutes after being told my best friend… you know. Promise me you’ll tell him. He deserves to know. It doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow. It just has to be someday.”
“You sound like Charles,” Stevie pointed out. A sad smile had crossed her lips. The missing him stung her chest. He was the one who understood first and understood her best.
“Who’s Charles? Should I hate him?”
“Someone I loved after Julian. He made me better. And no, you shouldn’t. You should probably thank him for saving my life,” Stevie revealed.
Clara’s smile was as sweet and as wholesome as ever. “Someday, I will. Now come give me a hug. I can’t believe this is goodbye. I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface of all that’s Stevie Appleton. I just learnt you were French at my wedding!”
And now you know I miscarried.
And about Charles.
You’ve dug deep, Clara.
Stevie stepped around the table and wrapped her arms around the friend she would miss completely. “Au revoir, Clara Parker,” she whispered.
“Someday, you’ll tell him. And when that day comes, you will finally be able to live your life, Stevie. Trust me. The truth is what set me free.”
When Stevie broke the hug, she only smiled to appease and give Clara reassurance. But instead, she knew the truth would never truly set her free.
Not when it’ll release my demons.
Stephanie didn’t say a word as she unlocked her apartment door and pushed it open. Then she stepped inside and walked down the hallway before she stopped. She let her handbag fall to the ground, along with her keys. The car ride back from the airport had remained silent. There was no smile or even a hint of emotion on her face. All Stephanie did was stare out of the passenger window as he drove them away from the airport. Something consumed her thoughts. And Julian knew that her talk with Clara ignited it. Just when he thought she’d finally open up to him, she retreated into her insecurities and secrets.
“Whitley sports’ advertisement included a campaign against breast cancer,” he said out loud. Julian hadn’t entered the apartment. He was too afraid to see that brokenness in her eyes, unsure of whether it was her past or the fact that her best friend had left that upset Stephanie.
“What?” she asked once she had spun around.
There. Bright and unmissable. The brokenness in her eyes couldn’t be ignored. It lured him into a sense of wanting, needing. All he wanted to do was fix her. Heal her. Make her smile as she used to. See the twinkle of freedom in her eyes once more. All he wanted to do was make her happy.
He dug his hands into his pockets and then shrugged. “Tell Mona that Whitley sports’ advertisements were all over the freeway. They were understated in their approach, but that was what they’re going for. Simple but effective. Other brands were superficial but theirs had meaning for consumers. It’s meant to impact a person’s emotional appeals.”
“You looked at the billboards for me?” she asked softly. Her shoulders sagged and then she tilted her head back.
“You seemed upset. I didn’t want to remind you of Mona’s assignment.”
“Why?” she asked before she lowered her chin to meet his stare. “Why would you do that for me?”
He took a deep breath. “Because I care about you.”
“You care about me?”
No… I love you.
“Honestly, Stephanie. More than I probably should. More than you want me to. And more than you’ll let me¸” he explained.
“Is that why you’re standing outside of the apartment?” Stephanie asked in a small voice. It sounded strained. It—she—sounded fragile.
Julian nodded his head. There was no doubt that he didn’t trust himself around her. He was afraid that one word or one action would cause her to leave him once again.
“I can’t be truthful with you. Not yet. Not when I know there’s a possibility that the moment I tell you everything, you’ll leave me. You’ll see what a monster I am. You’ll see the truth and hate me. That’s what I’m afraid of. And that’s why I’m so reluctant with you, Julian. I don’t deserve your attention or your time. And you don’t deserve what I could do to you. I’m destructive.” Tears ran down Stephanie’s face. They weren’t droplets. They were the beginnings of her sob.
“Steph—” He quickly shut his mouth, unsure what to say. There was so much painful emotion in her voice that it caused the unfurling burn in his chest. The struggle to breathe. He felt her pain. It was unbearable and he struggled. But he wanted it if it meant that she wouldn’t have to endure it.
“I won’t blame you if you turn around and I never see you again. I won’t come after you. I’ll never ask for you. I’ll never want anything from you. If you want to get even for what I did in Thailand, then now’s your chance, Julian. Do what I did to you. Hurt me the way I hurt you. Because I care about you. I have since Thailand. I have since the moment you told me your name. So do it. Hurt me! Turn around and walk away. Go find another girl who won’t do what I did to you. Find someone you can trust with your heart.”
There.
Right there.
Julian knew that at this moment there was a chance that she could love him. She hadn’t said it, but the intention was there. It wasn’t love if it were easy. It wouldn’t be worth the pain if he were handed it. It wouldn’t be the love that he wanted if he didn’t have to work for it. And for Stephanie Appleton’s love, he’d spend the rest of his life working towards knowing that inch of love she could give him.
The slow burn in his heart’s valves bled into his vessels and spread throughout his body. If he didn’t already love her, then he would now. Loving her now was an even greater risk than loving her in Thailand had been. But there was no one out there who he trusted more than Stephanie. There was no other woman out there who he’d willingly hand his heart to and let it be bruised by. There was no one else the moment he had met Stephanie.
I want to know what it’s like to be loved by her.
I want to know what it’s like to hear her say those three words.
I want know what it’s like to have her heart.
I want to know what it’s like to be hers.
He had made the decision before the moment he took that one step. He had drawn in air before he gripped the door and swung it closed. Julian watched her shake her head and cover her face with her hands. Then she sobbed. She cried for him. She cried for them. The fact was, she cried. Her tough exterior had finally liquefied.
Somewhere, he believed that at this moment she loved him. Maybe she wasn’t aware. Maybe he was in denial. It didn’t matter. It was that thought alone that had him taking long strides until he was able to wrap his hands around her wrists and pull her hands away from her face. Stephanie looked up at him with glassy eyes.
“I want to know and feel what it’s like to hear you tell me that you love me, Stephanie,” he whispered as his lips collided with hers.
Julian tightened his hold on her wrists, preventing her from breaking away. The moment she kissed him back, he released her and Stephanie’s hands were in his hair. She thrust her body against his as their lips glided over each other’s. Breaths quickly inhaled between. Moans and sighs left them. And he felt his chest ache to hear those words. Ached to have her heart. Ached to be with her.
Stephanie’s lips had ceased movement before she pulled his head back with her grasp of his hair. Her eyes roamed his, as if she couldn’t believe that he had agreed to be hurt by her. The reality was that he’d live through any pain to be hers.
“Spontaneous,” she whispered before she took two steps back.
“What?” he breathed.
Her fists balled tightly beside her body. “Have you ever heard
of spontaneous combustion?”
Spontaneous combustion?
Julian’s reply was a series of unbelievable blinks.
“That’s where we’re headed.” Her eyes filled with unshed tears. “That’s what’s so wrong with us. We’re so spontaneous that I’m scared there’s no substance between us.”
Julian closed the distance and cupped her face. His thumbs touched the tears that had slid down her cheeks. “This,” he uttered.
Stephanie’s eyelids fluttered. “What?”
“Your tears are proof that there’s substance between us, Stephanie. There is something real and physical. We have something. I know it. I felt it four years ago, and I feel it now. We have substance. We care about each other. We wouldn’t feel each other’s pain, want, and need if there wasn’t. We’re not spontaneous. We’re meant to be. Please, Stephanie. Please trust me with your heart.” He hoped the pleading in his voice would persuade her. Julian breathed in deep then rested his forehead on hers. “Believe in me, Stephanie.”
Her eyes fluttered shut. And Julian watched her inhale deeply. The way her nostrils flared slightly and her lips made a fine line; he loved every little natural movement she had made.
“I’d believe in anything for you,” she whispered. They were the words he had said back in Thailand. Within those words, he had laced and entwined promises. Words just for her.
His lips pressed against the tip of her nose. “We’re not spontaneous.”
“No?” Her eyes slowly opened, and he smiled at the vibrant blues that stared up at him.
“We’re natural,” he whispered his reply.
Stephanie’s hands rested on his hips, and she sighed. Her nose had grazed his before she pressed her lips softly on his. “I believe you said we were meant to be.”
He chuckled then tilted her head slightly higher. Just as he was about to comment on how right she was, his phone beeped.
“Ignore it,” he dismissed in a low tone.
Stephanie’s eyebrows furrowed. “It could be important.”
“It’s Rogers.”
“How could you know that?”
