by Bert Murray
2.
I FINALLY GOT Jasmine on the phone. She told me she’d been studying for her astronomy exam. I hoped she wasn’t with that asshole Jack. I wanted to surprise her. About 1 in the afternoon I stopped by.
In one hand I held a sunflower and in the other hand I held a white box with a blue ribbon on top that had the amethyst necklace inside. Jasmine opened her door wearing a pink bathrobe and nothing on her feet. She seemed surprised to see me and hesitated a second before completely opening the door. There was a troubled expression on her face and she seemed distracted.
I looked around her room. I saw the poster, over her bed, of Jim Morrison singing in leather pants. Her large lava lamp with its green and red wax blobs that continually changed their shape sat on top of her bureau. The lamp was a remarkable demonstration of chaos theory. It was totally Jasmine.
Also on her bureau were two white candles and her brass dragon incense holder. She was burning apple spice. I breathed in some of the incense and walked over and sat on her bed. After she closed the door, she sat next to me.
“Jesus, Jasmine. I’ve been trying to reach you for days. This is such a stupid fight. I love you,” I said.
“Colin, we need to talk.”
“OK. But first I have something for you,” I said, handing her the white box with the blue ribbon and the sunflower.
“I wish you hadn’t done all this.”
“I wanted to.”
She put the sunflower in a vase and went down the hallway to the bathroom to fill the vase with water. She came back and sat on the bed with me again.
I handed her the box. “It’s a surprise. Open it.”
She stared at the box for a couple of seconds and then took it from me. She undid the ribbon and opened the box. She lifted the amethyst necklace out and pressed it against her chest. For a second, I thought she was going to put it around her neck. But for some reason she changed her mind and put the necklace back in the box. Jasmine handed me the box. “It’s very pretty. But I can’t accept this. It’s too late now.”
I was confused. “Why not? What do you mean? It’s an amethyst. Your birthstone.”
She rubbed her chin. “It’s us. I think we’re spending too much time together. I don’t have enough time to hang out with my friends or study.”
I stood up and walked over to the tape machine. I picked up her Doors’ Greatest Hits tape and slipped it into the deck. The Crystal Ship sounded as calming as ever. Maybe Jim Morrison’s singing would soften Jasmine’s attitude. Jasmine stared at me. There was no sign of hope in her cold green eyes.
“Jasmine, what’s going on?” I asked.
“I told you. Aren’t you listening?”
“All you said was that you were busy.”
“Exactly. I need time to be my own person. I don’t want to be tied down to one person.”
“I don’t understand. You said you loved me.”
“I don’t know if I do anymore. I need space! Space! Is that so hard to understand?”
I tried to put my arms around her, but she was tight and tense. I kissed her. Her lips were clamped shut like a steel door and she turned away.
“Stop it. Don’t keep at me like this. It’s too much. See, even now you’re smothering me.” Her voice was very loud.
My entire body was numb. I walked to the bed and sat down again.
“Please don’t shout at me. Why are you so angry?”
“I’m tired of you. I’m tired of your Beatles records. I can’t hear the same damn songs over and over.”
She was talking in such a weird way. As if this was the last fight we’d ever have. Like this was the end. I couldn’t comprehend her. Didn’t she feel the love I felt? She seemed to be speaking another fucking language. One I didn’t understand.
“I’m into a lot of different rock groups. Not just the Beatles.”
“I’ve never heard you play anything else. You’ve played John Lennon’s Double Fantasy 30 times.”
Shit. Shit. Now she was staring at me in a funny way. As if she never wanted to have anything to do with me again.
No fucking way. Could her love have evaporated so quickly? “I like David Bowie. I think Ziggy Stardust is amazing. I love Blonde on Blonde, by Dylan, and everything by Zeppelin and Nick Drake, too.” I found myself speaking very quickly, knowing that nothing I said really mattered. I muttered words to block out what I didn’t want to hear. Was it really gone? Had her love vanished as quickly as it had arrived?
“I’m tired of your saying that I’m your whole world, that I’m your everything. It’s all so draining. I’m too young. The bottom line is, I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I want to experience other things. Other people.”
“You mean other guys?”
“Yes. Other guys.”
Her words were like a kick in the balls. I couldn’t let this happen. I couldn’t lose Jasmine. I had to buy some time. Maybe I could change her mind.
“Wait, we need to talk this over. We shouldn’t do anything rash,” I said. “Don’t you realize what you mean to me?”
“No, you need to leave. Here, take this. Hold on to it.” She slid her yellow-and-white friendship bracelet off her wrist and handed it to me with the amethyst necklace.
I stuffed the bracelet into my jeans pocket and walked out of her room holding the necklace in my hand and feeling about 2 feet tall. My balloon had burst. It was my first breakup ever and it hurt like hell. I felt my eyes water. Why did she have the power to make me feel like this? I put my free hand on my face to cover the tears and went to my room to be alone.
3.
AS SOON AS I got to my room, I felt a strong urge to eat. I always ate a lot when I was upset. It was my way of dealing with tension. I walked over to Burger King in Campus Town. I hadn’t had a meal at Burger King since I met Jasmine. I was damn sick of tofu and broccoli. I couldn’t stand the sight of brown rice, lentils or bran.
I hated all the food Jasmine had been pushing on me for months. The veggie burgers tasted like cardboard. The whole-wheat pretzels had no salt. And the soy dogs were pink, soft and mushy. Jasmine had tried to make me feel guilty about all the cows that were being tortured and killed. She said health food was good for my body and my soul.
But what Jasmine wanted didn’t matter anymore. She had dumped me. I was a free man. I craved junk food. My stomach growled as I began thinking about fries, vanilla shakes and burgers.
I ordered three Double Whoppers with cheese, two orders of large fries, two apple pies and a vanilla shake. I eagerly bit into one of the Whoppers and felt the grease drip down my hands. I tore open a couple of ketchup packets and smothered the fries. I ignored the glob of ketchup on the side of my mouth and gulped down the vanilla shake. I ate quickly because it was so damn good. I had really missed Burger King.
But eating the junk food made me think about Jasmine and how far away she was from me now. I felt depressed. I walked back to the dorm and lay on my bed. I ripped the wrapping off a Milky Way bar and took a bite. I finished it quickly and unwrapped another. I couldn’t imagine not being able to kiss Jasmine again. I took a bite of the second Milky Way and stared at the ceiling. What had I done wrong?
Maybe she had really fallen for someone else. Like that asshole Jack? She’d been all over him at the Halloween dance. Maybe she’d been seeing Jack behind my back for weeks. What an asshole. Should I beat the shit out of him? I knew I wouldn’t. All I knew for sure was that Jasmine was gone. Erased from my life.
I suddenly realized what a weak, impotent creature a human being is, just skin and hair and bones. Life sucked. It was all so pointless. I stared up at my poster of John Lennon and felt the strain on my muscles as the tension continued to build inside me.
I put Imagine, my favorite Lennon solo album, on the turntable and began listening to Gimme Some Truth. I played it over and over. Lennon was searching for answers and for understanding. I was looking for another way, too. What was wrong with the world? If there was a Go
d, he was just playing Ms. Pac-Man with the universe.
I cranked the volume on my stereo all the way up. It wasn’t fair. I had done everything right with Jasmine. I’d been a perfect boyfriend. Maybe that was it. I’d been too good to her. Maybe Karl was right.
How could she let me down like this? I would have done anything for her. Stuck by her no matter what. I slammed the wall with my fist. Damn. My knuckles stung.
My next-door neighbor knocked on the wall. That was the signal that my music was too loud. “Fuck off! You stupid idiot!” I shouted and ignored his pounding. Let him make a complaint to the resident adviser. I didn’t really give a shit. I was going to listen to my music with the volume all the way up. I wasn’t in the mood to be polite.
I started to pace up and down the length of my room. I worked myself up into a sweat. I dialed Jasmine’s number and there was no one there. I tried calling her again. The phone just kept ringing and ringing and ringing. Why the hell didn’t she pick up? Where the fuck was she? Was she kissing someone else on the lips at this very moment?
I had to talk things over with her again. I needed Jasmine back. This nightmare had to end. I needed the warmth of her arms holding me tight again. The excitement of her sweet kisses on my chest. I missed our conversations. Didn’t she realize how true my love was? It was the real thing. I loved her more than words could say. Didn’t she know that? How could she end things like this? Cruel. She was cruel. I still needed her so fucking much.
I looked in my desk drawer for the package of Twinkies that I’d hidden from Jasmine. I opened it and stuffed my mouth with the moist golden cake and cream filling. There was no disappointment with Twinkies. You knew exactly what you were getting. Unlike Jasmine. Unlike love. Unlike life.
I suddenly remembered about Jasmine’s friendship bracelet. I pulled it out of my pocket and stared at it. I looked around for a matchbook and found one in my desk drawer. I struck a match and lighted one end of the string bracelet.
I dropped the bracelet into my trash can and watched it turn to ashes. Little flecks of red and blue flared up and disappeared. I breathed in the smoke. It only took a second to destroy it, like it had only taken a moment for Jasmine to ruin my life.
4.
I LAY IN my bed for an hour trying to come to terms with everything that had happened. It didn’t feel real. I had never experienced such hurt. Without Jasmine, my life was empty. Without Jasmine, I had nothing.
I finally got up and decided to go to Karl’s room. It was 3 in the afternoon. I knew Karl would listen to me and try to put things into perspective. He always did. I knocked on Karl’s door. No one answered. I knocked harder and thought I heard someone inside. I called Karl’s name.
I tried the doorknob and it wasn’t locked, so I slowly opened the door. A football was on the floor next to a six-pack of Budweiser. Behind the beer was a pack of ribbed condoms and a tin of chewing tobacco.
Karl was in front of the window. Before I could say hello, I realized he was having sex. His jeans and boxers were wrapped around his ankles. He grunted as he rocked back and forth and did the girl hard from behind.
The girl was bent over his desk with her jean skirt hiked up over her ass. She had great legs. She was still wearing brown knee-high boots, but her white polo shirt, bra and panties lay nearby on the floor. Karl knew how to make good use of an afternoon.
I stared, my mouth open. The angle at which the desk was positioned allowed me to watch Karl as his hands wrapped around the girl’s large, firm breasts; his thumbs were on top of her nipples. His back muscles tightened every time he thrust forward. She moaned with pleasure. I began to back out of the room quietly.
“Oh God, fuck me. Yes! Yes! Don’t stop. Fuck me harder,” the girl demanded loudly.
Her voice sounded familiar. The girl turned her head to look over her shoulder at Karl. I saw her face.
It was like I’d been shot. I couldn’t move a muscle. I completely froze. It was Jasmine. My Jasmine. My head began to pound. Shock, then anger, surged up inside me. I felt an intense heaviness in my chest and found it hard to breathe.
I was lightheaded. For a second I felt the urge to puke. Karl and Jasmine were so into their screwing that they didn’t know I was there. I slammed the door shut behind me with all my strength. “What the fuck is going on?” I screamed.
The two turned around and froze when they saw me standing there. Jasmine said nothing. She turned away from me as she fumbled with her skirt, trying to cover up her naked ass. Karl still had a full-blown erection. He quickly pulled up his boxers.
“What are you doing here?” asked Karl.
“What are you doing with my girlfriend?” I screamed.
“She’s not your girlfriend anymore,” said Karl. He pulled up his jeans.
“Fucking back-stabbers. You really thought you could get away with this?” I ran to Karl’s bureau and in one swoop knocked off his photos and trophies.
“Buddy, chill out,” yelled Karl. “Let’s quiet down a second and talk.”
“You want me to quiet down, you stupid asshole? After this? Are you fucking crazy?” I grabbed a trophy off the floor and hit the mirror on the closet door. Pieces of broken glass were everywhere.
“Stop!” Jasmine shouted, clutching her hemp bag over her bare chest.
“You’re acting insane,” said Karl.
“I’m insane? Jesus, look at you. Look at you. You’re the one banging my girlfriend.”
He walked toward me. “Buddy, let’s just sit down for a minute.”
I belted him in the face with my fist. “Fucking lying bastard.” I couldn’t believe I had actually punched Karl. This was all so crazy. How could this be happening? Karl seemed dazed for a second, and then he shoved me against the wall.
He yelled in my face. “Calm the fuck down right now. Before I kick your ass.”
“Go ahead. Do it!” I spit in his face. “Think I give a shit at this point?”
He grabbed my polo shirt with both hands and hurled me down. I was on the floor looking up. Jasmine’s breasts flopped around as she tried to pull Karl off me.
She screamed. “Karl, stop! Don’t hurt him!”
“Buddy, I’m warning you. Get the hell out of here before you make me do something I’ll regret,” Karl said.
“The only thing I regret, Karl, is ever being your friend. You fooled me for quite a while. Didn’t you? But now I know what a jerk you are. And Jasmine you’re nothing but a slut. Both of you can eat shit! You deserve each other,” I yelled, spit flying from my mouth.
Karl grabbed my hair and the collar of my shirt and began to drag me out of the room. I kicked my legs wildly, trying to loosen his grip. But he put me in a headlock and dragged me into the hallway.
“Karl! Don’t hurt him!” yelled Jasmine.
“Go home, buddy!” Karl screamed at me.
I gave him the finger. “Suck my cock, you motherfucker.”
Karl slammed the door.
5.
A COUPLE OF students stuck their heads out of their rooms to see what was going on. I just lay there on the floor. Dazed.
The light on the ceiling of the hallway flickered on and off. Jasmine had dumped me. Karl had betrayed me. Fuck! It was like he’d smashed my balls with a hammer.
I got to my feet and walked slowly down the hall toward the stairwell, ignoring the other students’ stares. When I got back to my room, I turned my stereo on and cranked the volume as loud as it would go. Helter Skelter rattled the room.
It was about flying up high and then crashing down low. It was about a jagged moment like this one. On the razor’s edge. Close to the point of no return. Coming undone. My mind was a total disaster area.
To hell with poker night. To hell with Karl. I’d never sit down at the same table with him again. And to hell with Jasmine. I flung open the door to my mini-fridge. I pulled out the six-pack of beer I’d just bought for the next night of poker.
Damn. I couldn’t get the image of Karl banging Jasmi
ne from behind out of my head. It made me sick. I couldn’t believe it. I’d always listened to his advice. I had trusted him more than anyone. And Karl of all people had betrayed me.
What a bastard! What a fucking back-stabber! I tore open a beer and chugged it, throwing the empty can against the wall. Small droplets of beer splattered across the floor.
My heart was racing and I felt the blood pulsating through my head. I popped open another beer and drank it faster than the one before. I opened a third can and finished that one, too.
I looked around for my Alice Cooper tape. I wanted to hear Welcome to My Nightmare. I found it on the floor under my blue gym shorts and stuck it in the tape deck.
The beer was doing its job. I began to feel numb. I pulled another can off the plastic ring and pounded it. I clutched my stomach as I belched a beer-stenched burp.
When did their hook-ups start? Could she have been cheating on me all along? Karl was such an asshole.
Shit. Suddenly I felt sick. My stomach was sour. All those burgers and fries were churning inside me.
I had to barf. I crawled to my garbage can and hunched over it. I began puking, the bile stinging the back of my throat. When I was finished, I sat up and rested my head against the wall as I tried to slow my breathing. I was wiped out.
I just kept thinking about Jasmine with Karl. She was probably giving him a blowjob that very moment. She was probably sucking on his cock like a whore. The thought of Jasmine giving Karl head made me want to die.
Karl had always talked about sticking up for one’s friends. He always told me that he had my back, that loyalty was the most important thing of all. What a liar! I’d never been this angry in my whole fucking life.
What a stupid bastard he was. I wanted to hit him in the face with a baseball bat. I wanted to pound his mouth until he bled all over. Until I knocked out a few of his teeth. I wanted him to feel as much pain as I felt. What a fucker! How could he do this to me?
