by Bert Murray
After that day, I began scouting the beach for a “safe” area before I started to build my castles. I made sure I wasn’t working near any older boys who might knock everything over. I even built my castles near my parents’ blue umbrella for protection.
The red lights of the alarm clock next to my bed read 12:30 in the afternoon. I got up and took a quick shower. I found a green sweater and a pair of Dockers that I’d shoved into my dresser the last time I came home and put them on before heading into the dining room.
2.
“LOOK WHO’S FINALLY awake,” Mom said as I walked in. “How did you sleep, darling?”
The room smelled of turkey, cranberry sauce and roasted chestnuts. My stomach growled loudly and I grabbed it, hoping Mom hadn’t heard.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” I asked as she placed a vase of mums, asters and daisies in the middle of the table.
“You seemed so exhausted, I thought it was best that you sleep. Your father and grandfather are in the TV room watching the football game if you want to go join them.”
“How’s Grandpa doing?”
“Better, but he’s still very lonely. You know he hasn’t really been himself since your grandma died. It’s hard to believe it’s been two years now. The poor man still hasn’t been able to adjust.”
I mumbled to myself. “I know the feeling.”
“What did you say?”
“Do you need any help setting things up?”
“If you’re offering, I’ll take you up on it.”
I followed Mom into the kitchen and sat at the small round table. She handed me five napkins and the knotted cords to tie them with. She opened the oven and checked on the turkey. “I was just telling Martha—you remember my friend Martha, right? From the club? Of course you do. Well, I was just telling Martha how much you loved Elerby, and she said her daughter Samantha might want to visit the campus. I hope you don’t mind, but I said that you’d be more than happy to host Samantha for a weekend.”
“You did?” I was not in the right state of mind to give anyone a college tour.
“Yes. I didn’t think you’d mind. Please give her a real college experience. But don’t take her to any fraternity parties or anything too wild. Martha would have a fit. I also thought it would be nice if perhaps Samantha could bunk with Jasmine. It would be wonderful for her to get a girl’s perspective on college life.”
“Uh, I don’t think that’s going to happen,” I said, cutting my mother off. I thought about what lie I could tell. I could say Jasmine was sick or she left school, but what was the point of covering it up? It would come out after a while anyway. I decided to tell the truth. Better to get it over with.
“You don’t think Jasmine would be willing—”
“It’s not that, Mom. Jasmine and I are over.”
I rubbed my elbow and braced myself for Mom’s reaction. She stood next to the open refrigerator in silence for a couple of seconds. Then she closed the door and sat at the table across from me.
Her voice became softer. “What happened? You seemed to be crazy about her.”
“I am crazy about her. I still love her. But she doesn’t feel the same way about me. She dumped me.”
“What? Oh, honey!” Mom got up and came around to my side of the table. She looked down at me. “Are you okay?”
“No. Not really.” I just let it all out. “It’s hit me pretty hard. I’m all the way down. I’ve missed a lot of classes and I’m thinking I should drop at least one completely.”
“I’m so sorry, dear. But, Colin, you can’t just waste a semester just because a girl left you. Everyone experiences a breakup sometime. And that girl … I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but Jasmine seemed rather difficult to me. Your father thought so, too. She’s probably very spoiled. So maybe this breakup is for the best.”
I swallowed. It really annoyed me to hear her criticize Jasmine. Even worse was that she’d brought Dad into it. So they’d been talking about her. I couldn’t stand to hear anyone else pass judgment on her.
“She wasn’t difficult, Mother. She’s fantastic, Mom. Jasmine isn’t the problem. The problem is me,” I said.
“Don’t say that, Colin. You’re a wonderful, talented, handsome boy. You don’t need a girl with a trust fund. Jasmine is way too high-maintenance for you.”
“Jasmine is perfect for me. But I lost her. I couldn’t hold on to her, no matter what I did, and I think about her all the time.”
Mom went back to her chair and sat down. We were both silent for what seemed like an hour. But it was probably just a few minutes.
“Colin, you have to get over this girl. Maybe you should talk to someone, you know, get some help. It’s almost exam time. And you have a lot of papers to write. This is serious. We have to do something. How are you going to be able to concentrate with all this on your mind? Why don’t you see someone at the counseling center? That would make a lot of sense.” She sounded hopeful.
I knew she was going to say that. How many times did I have to go through this? I started to play with the unfolded napkins. “No. I don’t need the counseling center. Mom, don’t worry about me. I’ll pull myself together on my own. I’ve been talking to a lot of friends at school, so it’s all coming together for me. I have everything under control.” Maybe if I said the words aloud, they would turn into the truth.
“Are you sure? It doesn’t sound that way to me. I’m concerned about you.” She looked worried.
“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” I knew she was going to tell my father.
“Things are so different now than they were when I was dating. It’s hard for me to know what to say. Maybe you should discuss this with your father.” She walked over to the kitchen door and shouted. “James! Come into the kitchen. Colin is here and he needs to talk to you.”
“Mom! Don’t! Stop!” I rushed in front of her and closed the door. I didn’t want my father to tell me what to do. He always made me feel stupid. I’d figure things out on my own. “Let’s keep Dad out of this!”
“What? Why not tell him, dear? He can advise you,” said Mom.
She thought he knew everything. I knew better. “I don’t want him to hear about what happened with Jasmine. He’ll just use it against me.”
“That isn’t true, Colin. You’re the reason your father works so hard. He always wants you to have the best of everything. You know he loves you very much.”
“No. I don’t know that.” I wished I’d never said anything about Jasmine. I wished my mother would just drop the subject. Didn’t she realize that Dad always made everything worse? Same old shit. Being home was going to be a major pain. I was sorry I left campus.
Dad yelled from the other room. “What is it, Mildred? It’s the third quarter and it’s all tied up!”
3.
“PLEASE KEEP DAD out of this for now.” My finger began to turn red because I’d wrapped a napkin cord so tightly around it.
Mom yelled back. “Um, nothing, James. Go back to the game.”
“Mom, I caught Jasmine cheating on me with Karl.” There was no point in hiding the stomach-wrenching details now.
“What?” Mom blushed. “You saw them together? Good Lord. Please let me get your father. Let’s discuss this as a family.”
“No, Mom. Listen to me. He doesn’t get me. He didn’t understand me even in high school. Remember how angry he was when I joined the Drama Club. And that was the only thing I liked about Dalton.”
I was 14 when Dad decided he was going to perfect my tennis game. My father had played tennis at Yale. A typical jock. He told me sports “would make a real man out of me.”
We were renting in East Hampton that summer. The house had its own private red clay court in the back. Dad bought a hopper at the sporting good store and filled it with 50 brand-new yellow and white balls. One day he spent hours working on my forehand. The next day it was my backhand. Then volleys. And finally my serve. Five hours a day. Every day in August.
; “You’re getting better,” Dad said after three weeks of practice.
“But I don’t really like tennis that much.”
“That doesn’t matter. Every man has to have a sport. Tennis will be yours.”
“What if it isn’t?”
“Don’t talk yourself right out of winning. Practice every day and you’ll get better. You’ll make the tennis team in the fall.”
“I don’t want to try out.”
“Of course you’re going to try out.”
I made the team freshman year at Dalton. Dad was proud. He started renting a court on weekends at an indoor place at 60th and York. He wanted me to play him so he could coach me.
On a day when Dad was beating me pretty badly during one of our practice matches at the indoor club, he walked to the net and asked me what was wrong.
“I’m just not into it today,” I said.
“You’d better be into it. You have an important match on Tuesday.”
“No, I don’t.”
“What do you mean? Of course you do.”
“No. I’m going to quit.”
“Quit? Are you crazy? Do you know how much money I’ve been spending to give you extra practice time?”
That was the last year I played on the tennis team.
More than four years later, Mom still tried to defend him. “Your father just thought that sports were more important for your future. It’s nothing personal. I have a hard time getting him to take me to a Broadway play. Your father never liked the theater.” She stopped talking for a minute and looked down at the table. She got up and put her hand on my shoulder. “Colin, why don’t you think of this breakup as a blessing in disguise? You’re lucky that you discovered what type of people Jasmine and Karl are sooner rather than later. Do you have anyone you can talk to? How about that Big Ty?”
“Actually, I met this new girl. I’ve been hanging out with her a lot.”
Mom shook her head. Her hands were out in front of her. “Another girl? Already? Isn’t it too soon? The worst thing you can do is rush into something else too quickly. That’s … a rebound? Don’t rebound with this girl.”
“I won’t, Mom. It’s nothing serious. I’m just having fun.” At least I was trying to. It was still hard to have fun without Jasmine.
“Well, you do need distraction, so maybe that’s okay.” She looked confused as she checked on the apple pie she was baking in the bottom oven and moved on to cutting up the salad vegetables on the counter next to the sink. Her fingers seemed to be working mechanically. Finally, with a small shake of her head, she turned to me. “Well, let’s put this aside for a while. Why don’t you go into the living room and say hello to your father and grandfather now? Grandpa has been dying to see you. The turkey will be done soon and I’ll call you all in.”
I didn’t feel like watching the football game, but I got up anyway. Dad probably wouldn’t ask too many questions in front of Grandpa.
4.
I WENT TO bed early that night, but I couldn’t fall asleep. I heard my parents talking in whispers. I’ve always been able to overhear them when they talk in the hallway between their bedroom and my bedroom. The doors are thin.
“So don’t say anything this time. Just let him go back,” Mom said. “If he needs us, we can just go up and visit. You know the pressures he … ”
Oh, God no. I didn’t want them coming to visit. That was the last thing I wanted.
I heard Dad shout. “Pressure? All he has to do is study. Doesn’t have to move a damn muscle in his body. Doesn’t have to work his way through the way I did.”
My mother must have tried to quiet him down, because I lost a few words.
“So passionate once he cares about something. So invested. It must be very hard for him now,” Mom said.
“Passionate,” my father said. “Well that’s a damn nice way of … True, too true—he invests a lot, but always in the wrong things. He lacks any common sense at all. His head has always been in the clouds.” His voice dropped. “Uncontrolled, uncontrollable and damn stupid. This is exam time and he’s all riled up over that loony girl. Do you know what Elerby is costing me?”
“Remember his age, dear.”
“I was his age once, you know.”
“But you were different.”
“Yes, I didn’t listen to the same damn music day and night. It’s made him helpless, inept and almost comatose. I thought it would stop when John Lennon got shot. Colin would mourn him a few days and it would be over. That’s what I thought. But no, it only got worse.”
“I probably shouldn’t have taken him to see that orange-submarine movie three times when he was a boy.”
“Damn. This mess is going to destroy his college record. Mildred, I always told you we were too old to have a child.”
“Don’t be silly. You know he’s a wonderful boy. Just promise me you won’t say anything to him in the morning.”
“Colin should be seeing a counselor at the very least. Someone needs to get his mind on his studies again.”
“I’m sure he will. You worry too much, dear.”
“No, Mildred, I don’t worry too much. You’re just fooling yourself. He’s on a dangerous path. I’m telling you, things can’t go on this way. You’re always protecting him. He lives in his own world. He needs to face things as they really are.”
I put the blanket over my ears. Hearing what Dad said made me really angry. He just wanted to control me. That’s all. If it was up to him, I would just sit in my dorm room and study all day. He didn’t get me. Even if it didn’t work out in the end with Jasmine, at least now I knew what it was like to fall in love.
I didn’t need to listen to any more of Dad’s garbage. I didn’t know how I was going to survive three more days at home.
5.
IT HAPPENED AROUND noon on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. I was on my way to the Elerby cafeteria, trying to convince myself that I should finally put Jasmine behind me and move on. I walked through the quad enjoying the unseasonably warm weather when suddenly I stopped dead in my tracks.
Fuck. Karl and Jasmine were sitting on a bench about 200 yards from me. They were making out. I instantly felt sick to my stomach. I stood there staring. Their lips stayed locked. It was humiliating.
Karl had his arm around Jasmine and he was running his hand through her hair. They seemed to be very happy and relaxed. He must have said something funny, because Jasmine started to laugh. Her voice echoed right across the Quad.
Karl kissed her on the neck. Shit. Those stinking, betraying lips on her skin. I couldn’t stand it. A fire was burning in my chest.
I ran to my room, put Abbey Road into the tape deck, and lay on my bed. I stared at the ceiling and heard the ethereal harmonies of Because, John and Paul singing to soothe my pain, my loss and my heartbreak.
6.
I HADN’T SEEN Chester for a couple of weeks. I decided to say hello. I noticed that the door to his room was slightly ajar. I pushed it open slowly.
“Chester? It’s me. Can I come in?” I asked, peering in.
No Chester. Instead, I saw a short, balding, heavy-set man with a thick salt-and-pepper beard and a ruddy complexion. He wore a jacket and tie and black shoes and was standing on the bed, pulling down Pink Floyd posters.
I was shocked to see all of Chester’s clothes and things packed up in four green plastic crates and a large blue suitcase. The middle-aged man seemed startled to see me at the door. He had small black eyes. He looked me up and down as if he was doing an inspection. “Can I help you?” he asked.
“Yes. I’m looking for Chester.”
“Who are you?” He spoke softly and slowly, almost like he was whispering.
“Colin. I’m his friend.”
“Friend? I didn’t think that Chester had any friends,” he said, stepping down off the bed. The man looked even shorter standing in front of me. I could see that he had a comb-over to hide his thinning hair. He pulled a handkerchief out of his back pocket and wiped hi
s brow. Despite the fact that it was December, he was soaked in sweat.
“Are you Chester’s father?” I asked.
“No, I’m his Uncle Toby. His mother’s brother.”
“Where is Chester?” I asked.
Uncle Toby didn’t answer my question. He rolled a poster, secured it with a rubber band and laid it on top of a suitcase. I saw Chester’s Napoleon hat through the slots of one of the crates. Uncle Toby had piled a bunch of textbooks on top of the hat, crushing the plume so that it bent in the middle.
There was an eerie atmosphere of finality in Chester’s room.
I noticed the deep wrinkles in Uncle Toby’s forehead as he stared out the window at the empty branches of the oak and elm trees that lined the back of our dorm. He clasped his hands. “Soon all those branches will be covered with snow. It’s going to be a long, cold winter,” he said.
“Hey, is Chester okay? Why are you cleaning out his room?” I asked.
“Chester went back to Vermont.”
“Why?”
“His drug problem. His mother checked him into a psychiatric hospital.”
“But all he does is pot. He doesn’t need to go to rehab for that.”
Uncle Toby turned toward me and scratched the back of his head. “Chester was using psychedelics. Mushrooms and stuff. It got to be so bad that he couldn’t function. He was flunking out of school, you know.”
It didn’t make sense. When I had seen Chester in the lounge, he seemed to be doing much better. His clothes were clean, he’d shaved. Everything seemed to be fine with him. How could he have fallen apart so fast? How come I didn’t know he had a serious drug habit?
“What about next semester? Is he coming back?” I asked.
“No. I don’t think so. Elerby definitely wasn’t the right place for him. Too many temptations here.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I might never see Chester again. This was going to make things even harder. I was really going to miss him. I stared at Chester’s Uncle. He had dark circles under his eyes. I realized I was asking a lot of questions. I hoped he wouldn’t mind one more. “Why didn’t his parents come here to pack up his stuff?”
