by K. C. Wells
“You do know that I’m imagining all kinds of stuff right now?” Equipment? What the hell? “What have you got in there, some fiendish torture device?”
Vic rolled his eyes. Then he continued. “So you know, I’ve trained for this extensively. I’ve also used similar devices. I’ve always wanted to do this with someone, but never met anyone who I thought would be able to give me what I want. Until you.”
“And what’s that?” Rob asked, feeling a little lightheaded under Vic’s heated gaze.
Vic put a key into the door and pushed it open. He reached around the corner and flicked on the lights. Inside was a device about the size of a small room. It resembled a white pod, its lid raised, with blue lights on the interior.
Whatever Rob had been expecting, this wasn’t it.
“What’s this? It looks like something out of a science fiction film.” The blue lighting gave the room an eerie glow.
“This is what we need to talk about.” Vic urged Rob to sit in a chair next to the strange chamber. He stood at Rob’s side, hand on his shoulder. “What do you do when you meditate?”
“Find my center,” Rob replied without a bit of hesitation.
“Good. Now, do you remember how we added in a blindfold, gloves, earphones, and the like? Well, this device is a sensory deprivation chamber. It simulates several of those things and leaves you feeling weightless as you float in a small amount of water.”
Rob peered inside the capsule. Sure enough, there was about ten inches of water. “And what’s it supposed to do?”
Vic smiled. “When I tried it, it was a mind-altering experience. I’d never reached that level of relaxation before. My mind was clear, and without outside stimuli, I could focus on my own well-being.”
“I think I’m missing the point here.” It seemed a little extreme, and Rob wasn’t sure he wanted to go through with it.
“I’d like you to get into the tank and simply relax. Before you ask, I’m not going anywhere. I will be right here the whole time. If something goes wrong, you push the button inside or pound on the lid and I’ll open it immediately.”
Rob frowned. His heartbeat raced, but he did his best to remain calm.
Not that his efforts mattered. Vic saw right through him. He cupped Rob’s chin and lifted it to look him in the eye. “You don’t have to do this,” he said gently. “I won’t think less of you if you don’t. Or, if you think you might want to, but not right now, then we can hold off and talk about it another time.”
There was love in Vic’s voice, and that more than anything decided him.
“I trust you.” His voice came out much stronger than he’d anticipated. “I won’t say I’m not nervous, but I know you wouldn’t let anything hurt me.”
“Never,” Vic swore.
Rob stared at the chamber for a moment. Then he took a few deep breaths, turned, and smiled at Vic. “So, what do I need to do?”
When Vic took his hand, Rob relaxed. Vic wouldn’t allow him to be hurt, he was certain. And if Vic himself had tried this….
“You’re already naked, so that’s a start. You’ll need to take a shower, then just step inside. The water is room temperature, so it’s not too cold or hot. I’m going to warn you in advance. Once the top is closed, there are no lights. You’re floating in darkness, with nothing to distract you. It’s scary, I admit. But it’s also very freeing if you can get into the right mindset.”
Rob moved closer to the device. “This looks clean, at least.”
“We’re the first to use it. Too bad, I quite enjoyed the old model’s design, but I will admit, the new one is a lot nicer. Anyway, when I mentioned my desire to use it, Eli had someone check it out. He said that when they talked with the members, no one requested it, and it was a total loss. Still, he and Jarod had tried something similar, and Jarod said he very much enjoyed it. So Eli was willing to purchase the tank in case they wanted to give it a go later.”
“Jarod did this?” Rob asked. He couldn’t picture that at all.
“Like I said, it’s very liberating. Now, are you certain you want to try this?”
Knowing that Jarod had done this made Rob feel certain he could handle it too. “Yes, Sir.”
Vic showed him to the small shower in the room. Rob washed himself down from head to toe, using the time to relax himself. When he felt he was ready, he stepped back out and found Vic with a large, fluffy white towel, which he wrapped around Rob’s shoulders to dry him.
“Are you sure about this?” Vic asked again.
In answer, Rob crossed the room and stepped into the tank, the water pooling around his ankles.
“Okay, sit down for the moment,” Vic instructed.
Rob sat. The water felt good, like a cool bath.
“This is salt water,” Vic explained. “It will help you float so nothing is touching the sides or bottom. You’re just… I guess the best word is free.”
Rob listened intently as Vic went over his instructions. He could see the worry in Vic’s eyes, but also the pride that shone in them.
“Okay, now….” Vic held up two foam earplugs in his hand. “These are necessary to cut out the sound, and to prevent the salt water from getting into your ears.”
“But I thought you said—”
“It’s not soundproof, if that’s what you’re wondering. That comes from the room itself, as well as our location. The plugs will cut out any ambient noise.”
Rob nodded. “Got it.”
“Remember, if you have problems, push the button or pound on the sides. I’m going to be right here and I’ll open it.”
Rob sucked in another calming breath and gave a sharp nod. His stomach fluttered, every nerve ending on high alert. “Good thing I’m not claustrophobic,” he muttered to himself.
Vic put a hand on the lid and said quietly, “No matter what, I’m proud of you for trying this. Even if it doesn’t work out, you’ve no idea what this means to me.” He leaned in and kissed Rob’s forehead. “Okay, earplugs in, and lie down.”
Rob did as instructed. The water supported him. When the top began to close, Rob resisted the urge to cry out. As the sliver of light disappeared, his anxiety skyrocketed. It was dark as a cave in the tank. He told himself repeatedly that he was safe, with Vic right outside, but his mind rejected it. Rob’s heart was pounding. He knew he was lying prone, but it felt as though he was hurtling through space, with no up or down.
His chest was tight, and he felt as though someone had taken a key and unlocked his mind. All thoughts were accessible to him, even those he thought he’d forgotten. Rob had never been so terrified in his life. He knew, deep down, that if he didn’t get out of the tank, he would die there. It was going to happen. Rob thrashed around a bit, but it still felt like he had no control over anything. Bile rose in his throat. He was lost, confused, afraid.
Then he remembered his center.
He called the image to mind and saw Vic sitting there, a huge smile on his face as they watched the film. Rob’s breathing calmed slowly and his heart stopped racing. Vic was there with him, like he always would be.
Vic held him and kept him safe.
Then Rob’s thoughts took a strange turn, and he wondered about safes. Why do banks use them? Are they really safe? And what does it mean to be safe?
Rob knew about American baseball. Players could be called safe at home. But home wasn’t safe. It hadn’t been for Alex. It had been a hell that was part Rob’s fault. Even though Alex forgave him, Rob always believed he could never truly forgive himself. But Jarod was right. If Rob wanted forgiveness, he had to forgive himself for his behavior.
And why do bees act that way?
The jumble of chaotic thoughts gradually narrowed in a stream of color down to a white pinpoint. Everything Rob had ever done was in that one moment of time. It had coalesced into here and now. It tore him open and forced Rob to see it all.
Then everything stopped. It was quiet again, but Rob still felt unsettled. He had niggling thoughts i
n the back of his mind, but wasn’t sure what they meant. He pictured himself as a child, wondering why his mum wouldn’t hug him. He’d seen other mums hug their children. He began to wonder if something was wrong with him that made her not want to touch him.
His father was marginally better, though he was still distant.
Jamie had been there when Rob needed a mate. Someone to tell him he was okay. The thing was, Jamie didn’t do that either. He took advantage of Rob’s desperate need to be accepted by someone—anyone—and preyed on that.
How long had Rob kept that fear inside? That he’d never be good enough for anyone, never be enough. His own mum couldn’t love him, so how could anyone else?
Then came his first sexual encounter with a girl in his class. Her parents weren’t going to be home, so she invited him round. When he did, that moment changed his life. It had been fumbling and over way too soon, but there had been a warmth inside Rob. He desperately wanted to retain that feeling, but it was extinguished far too soon, leaving Rob angry and hurt again.
He lashed out at Alex, because he was the closest person. Rob hated himself for doing it, but that small spark that had filled him after sex roared into a flame that threatened to consume everything. He felt in control, powerful, and it scared the ever-loving fuck out of him.
It didn’t stop him, though. The more Alex became intimidated, the more scared he got, the better Rob liked it and the more Rob pushed.
But Rob wasn’t in control. He knew even then how he was spiraling downward, headed to the ground faster and faster. He tried to get Jamie to understand, but his answer had been more sex. That led to them picking up the sisters, and to the revelation that Rob had experienced but not wanted to acknowledge.
He was lost. He was broken. He’d never been of use to anyone unless they wanted something from him. He hated himself and knew the people in his life would be better off without him in it. The thought terrified him. It was what sent him in search of someone to pull him back together, like Leo had done for Alex.
But there wasn’t anyone like that. Oh, he saw a lot of men, but not one of them screamed they could help Rob. No one demanded Rob submit, to give his life over to them to rebuild. Then came Vic, who told Rob that the only way things would get better was if they worked on them together.
Vic in the glow of the television, smiling. Vic at Kew Gardens, bathed in sunlight. Vic meditating in the garden. Vic in the throes of orgasm, his gaze boring into Rob. Vic….
Everything came down to Vic.
Rob couldn’t be sure how long he’d been in the tank. Twenty minutes or twenty hours, was there really a difference? His mind had gone blank, as though every thought, every memory he kept there had been torn from him.
He sank into a deep darkness, as though he was floating in a vast nothingness. It was powerful and overwhelming and… utterly calm. It was a sensation Rob had never felt before. There’d been hints of it. Tantalizing bits of peace that were snatched away, but now? Total bliss. He never wanted to leave there if he could feel this way all the time.
Rob flinched when light fell on him. He could see a silhouette hovering over him, and he reached out for it. In seconds, a solid body held him, hands caressed his back, and over his cheeks flowed his own warm tears.
The plugs were pulled from his ears, and Vic’s voice was a gentle breath against Rob’s skin. “Are you okay?”
Rob shook his head. He wasn’t. He’d faced too many truths all at once, and they’d left him shattered. It had all been overwhelming. But oddly, they also showed him the path to finally fixing it once and for all.
Vic.
Vic was his answer. Vic held the power to put things to right again.
Rob clung to Vic, who cradled him in his arms, nuzzling his neck. Rob held on to that one real thing in his life with desperate determination. He floated, feeling beneath him a soft bed, Vic still touching him. Slowly, Rob came back to a coherent stream of thought.
“Wow,” he said softly.
“I know,” Vic replied.
Rob tried to sit up but found he had no strength.
“Do you need to use the bathroom?”
Rob shook his head.
“Then just lie here with me. It will take about an hour for your mind to process everything. Are you feeling better?”
Was he? Rob felt as though his world had been picked apart, thread by thread.
“I’m all right,” Rob replied.
Vic reached over and pulled a bottle of water from the table beside the bed. He cracked the seal and urged Rob up to drink. The water was warm and flat, but still some of the best he’d ever tasted. After he finished, Vic took the bottle and placed it back on the table. He put a hand on Rob’s chest and pushed him until he lay back down. Vic cuddled up beside him, and Rob was surrounded by his warmth.
“If you need to talk, I’m here for you.”
How could he talk? He wasn’t even sure what had happened.
“Okay,” Rob said softly.
He closed his eyes, and the memories from the tank surfaced again. Rob saw Alex, his bright smile, his loving gaze at the man he married. Then he recalled Alex’s words about pushing him to be with Leo. He also recalled Alex saying he wanted to get to know Rob, now that he wasn’t a colossal prick.
“I forgive myself,” he whispered.
Vic sat up. “What did you say?”
Rob’s eyes burned as he scrubbed a hand over them. “Jarod said I needed to forgive myself for what I did to Alex. Alex said he was willing to give me a chance. I’d like to think I’m worthy of it, and unless I want this hanging over me and poisoning any chance I’ve got to show him I’m not that Rob anymore, I need to let it go.”
“Jarod is a smart man. Before Alex can forgive you, you’ve got to forgive yourself.”
Rob nodded. “I forgive myself. I’m going to be a better person.”
“You already are. You’ve grown so much, blossomed before my eyes. You’re stronger, even more than you thought possible. You stood up for me with your mother. You stripped in front of a group of men and said you belonged to me. What does that tell you?”
Rob put his head on Vic’s chest. “It means you’ve made a good impact on me.”
Vic snorted. “Please. You pushed yourself to do this. To make amends. You wanted it long before I ever came into your life. If I helped, I’m glad of it, but you, Rob Daniels, are the one who made it happen. I don’t believe there isn’t anything you can’t accomplish if you put your mind to it.”
The words danced in Rob’s brain. He had a new job he loved. Alex said he was willing to try. Vic believed in him. Jarod and Ellis were on the road to becoming his friends. He’d begun to build a new life, one where he wasn’t the villain of the piece.
“Will we do this again?” he asked.
“That depends on you. I can tell how much it affected you, so it’s up to you whether we do it again or not.”
Rob closed his eyes. True, the experience had started out terrifying and had opened his mind to some uncomfortable truths, but it had quickly become something else. It had given Rob a deeper clarity than he’d ever known before. For something that took away his senses, it seemed to open them fully at the same time.
“I think I’d like to,” he admitted, wondering what else he could learn about himself.
“Then we’ll do it.” Vic rubbed a hand over Rob’s chest. “This can be done at home with a specially made bodysuit. If it’s something you’re interested in, we can look into buying one.”
“Okay, sure.” Then Rob breathed deep, filling his lungs with Vic’s scent. “Can we go home?”
“If you’re ready. We can lay here as long as you like.”
The bed was comfortable, but it wasn’t his. He wanted the bed he shared with Vic. The one that smelled of the two of them. The one where Vic held him. Rob needed to be close to him. He needed….
“I need you to bend me over and remind me why I belong to you.”
The words made Rob shiver
. He wanted Vic buried balls-deep in him, because that was the time when he felt most connected to him. It was then that they were as close to being one as they could possibly get.
“No bending you over,” Vic said, stroking his fingers over Rob’s neck. “I want to be in you, too, but I want it while I can look in your eyes. That’s where I see the love you have for me, and right now, I need that from you.”
Rob slid off the bed and held his hand out to Vic. “Let’s go, then.”
Vic shook his head but reached out. “Cheeky bastard. It’s a good thing I love you.”
They stood staring for a moment more, and then Rob grabbed Vic’s beard and pulled him close. “Love you too.”
One quick kiss, and then Vic shoved Rob out the door as they made their way home.
Chapter Thirty
Two months later
VIC PUT his napkin down and groaned. “Okay, that was delicious.” He had to hand it to Leo—the man knew some excellent restaurants. He raised his glass to him. “Thank you for bringing us here.”
Leo copied his action. “You’re welcome. This is one of our favorites.”
Vic glanced around the table. Leo and Alex had finished. Doug sipped from his glass of wine, then placed it back on the table, smiling as he gazed at his two sons. Rob glanced up and obviously noted his father’s content expression.
“You’re looking good, Dad,” Rob said, stacking their plates in the center of the table.
Doug’s sigh matched his expression. “I feel good. I think I needed a change.”
It had been a bit of a shock when he’d announced to them all that he’d moved into a flat on his own, just for a trial period. He and Rob’s mother had been on several visits to a marriage counselor, but their efforts had met with minimal success thus far. Her attitude toward her sons had been the breaking point. Doug had told Vic that he’d spent too long being a shadow of a father, and if she wanted to alienate them both, fine, but he’d had enough.
“How’s Mum?” Vic couldn’t help but notice the hesitancy in Rob’s voice.
