I took a long pull of my beer, all the while watching her as she spoke about growing up on a farm. She detailed the white house she grew up in and made grand hand gestures in the air. She spoke about pancakes and mornings with cartoons. She described the vibrant pink heart shaped flowers that had lined her back porch. She spoke about how the ‘bleeding hearts’ would always bloom around her birthday in the spring. She detailed her childhood bedroom down to the purple shag carpet she fell asleep against when she was very sick one night. She laughed a lot at herself. I figured it was a nervous habit, but I loved it. She skipped over the death of her parents so artfully like she’d been skirting the issue for years. The memories of her life living with the ‘rowdy Dixon boys’ made me happy for her. I was grateful she was able to have such a stable home to turn to when every light in her life had been switched off. I noticed then that Elizabeth had stopped talking and looked as if she was in deep thought. She tucked a loose hair behind her ear and exhaled gently.
“So, gosh sorry, it’s been so long since I talked about the good times. I’ve almost forgotten what it was like. I almost forgot… ” Her eyes started to fill with salt water. I was lost. I wanted to hold her face in my hands… God help me I did. She exhaled lightly again. Clearing her throat, she said, “Ugh, enough about me, gosh.” She laughed and reigned in her emotions like a pro. “Sawyer, what was it like for you growing up?”
“For me?” I cleared my throat and took another big gulp of my beer. “My childhood was definitely, definitely different.” I laughed bitterly. The dreaded question. She was going to be my undoing. Greg, my buddy from the SEALS, was the only person who knew what my life was really like. Anxiously, I rubbed the back of my neck.
“Really? Different how?”
My stomach started to swim. My face was flushed, I could feel it. I looked down at my watch, it was only eight. I looked back at Liz. She looked apprehensive. How was I supposed to tell her? How? Feeling foggy my mind brought me to a specific memory…
I was in so much pain, so much pain. I thought I saw my father yelling at me. I saw his face and it was contorted. I saw his face clearly now. I couldn’t hear him for some reason. He was pulling on pants. The lady that was not my mother rushed past me crying. He rushed after her. He grabbed her arm. She screamed. I could hear it. It was blood-curdling. My father’s words were hushed. He handed her a wad of money. She was crying, crying like me. I looked down at my arm. I felt the puke creep up my throat before it escaped my mouth this time. I stood and ran to the bathroom. I had to make it to the toilet. If I puked again on the floor, Dad would make it worse. The pain was overtaking my senses.
“Sawyer,” my dad was screaming now. “Sawyer, get your shit! You need the doctor don’t you? You really did it this time, you little cocksucker!” He grabbed me off the bathroom floor and dragged me by my good arm to the car.
“Listen to me Sawyer, and you listen good! You fell playing soccer with the neighbor’s kid. Look at me! You fell playing soccer, repeat it! Or I swear I’ll break your other arm!”
“I fell playing soccer with Ash, the neighbor’s kid.” I barely got the words out.
“You better do better than that! God. You’re fucking useless,” he was yelling so hard his spit hit my face as usual.
I was on a stretcher in a curtained room. My father wasn’t there with me. A nurse brought in medication. She pushed it into the thing in my arm. I think she called it an IV.
“Here you go sweetie that is quite the break you got there. So you fell? Playing soccer?” Her eyebrow was up in such a way that suggested she did not believe me. The medicine felt like mint in my veins. I was fuzzy.
“Yes ma’am, that’s what I said.” The room faded.
That had been my moment. I could’ve told someone. She suspected, but I was restrained, by fear, by him, by the drug that kept me silent. I was back in the present again, but I felt vague and overly warm. I stood awkwardly and accidently knocked over my chair.
“Sawyer?” Elizabeth gasped and stood, rushing to steady me. I waved her away.
“I’m fine. Excuse me, I think I’m going to be sick.” I hurried from the table to the men’s room. In the bathroom I retched up my entire stomach. “Holy shit,” I whispered. I stood and checked my clothes for stray vomit. Nothing. I splashed water on my face at the sink, swished the acrid taste from my mouth. I stared at myself in the mirror. My green eyes flat and blank looked back at me. Who was I kidding? It was easy when I was on active duty. My team accepted that I didn’t want people to ask me shit about my past. Guys just didn’t care. If they did, they left it alone because that’s what I wanted. The ops we did together, the life of a soldier, that’s all I… we ever needed to talk about.
But, now eight years later I’m in the real world again and my father was still controlling me. Anger boiling, I punched the face in the mirror. A large crack cut my lost green eyes in half.
“Excuse me, sir, are you okay? The lady, she’s worried. She said you were sick? I am so sorry. I will ask the cook immediately what happened. Oh my! What happened to the mirror? Sir?” A short man with a Spanish accent looked at me with wide eyes.
“Yes, it must have been the pasta I ordered. I’m so sorry. Do you have a toothbrush? Some mints?” I felt bad for making the manager think I had food poisoning, but what other choice did I have.
“Yes sir, we have mints, dental hygiene products, and cologne if you need it? I’m so sorry the bathroom attendant wasn’t here to assist you, he’s on his break.” His eyes shifted again to the mirror.
“The mirror was already cracked,” I lied smoothly.
“Yes, of course.” He reached under the sinks and pulled out the things I needed. “I’m so sorry, your dinner is paid for. I’m Richard the manager, here is my card.” He smiled as he walked away.
“Can you tell the lady I’ll be out shortly?”
“Yes, of course. I will tell her to pick out a dessert.”
“Thank you.”
The tips of my sleeves were wet. I rolled them up and brushed my teeth and then I pulled it together.
“Oh my gosh, Sawyer are you okay?” I blew out a large gush of unease as he rounded the table and took a seat.
“Yes, I’m very sorry. Maybe Italian and beer don’t mix?” He laughed and smiled a brilliant grin.
“I guess not,” I cringed. “Were you sick? The manager came by and said everything was on the house. He looked sick.”
“Yes, but I’m fine now that it’s over. Are you finished? I’d like to get out of here. I don’t want you to be late to your performance.”
“Yeah, I’m good. I said no to dessert, I’ll never come here again. I hate food poisoning. You can take me home and I’ll drive myself to The Lounge. You must want to go home.” I tried to hide my distaste for being without him for the remainder of the evening, but I couldn’t expect him to come.
“You can’t get rid of me so quick, cricket. I feel fine, plus because this place is so fancy they had and I quote, ‘dental hygiene products’ so I am good to go.” His sexy side smirk was out in full glory.
I hid my excitement. “Perfect, we still have some time. Let’s go, I want to take you somewhere.”
“Lead the way.”
We got in his black hard top Jeep and headed toward 25th Street. Instead of heading toward the city, I had him drive us to campus. Weber State University was situated into the bench of the mountain. The entire school was an uphill journey. As we walked, I couldn’t help notice how nice Sawyer looked tonight. He wore a black button-down, his sleeves rolled up, his strong forearms on display. I felt safe with him in the darkness of the cold fall night. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me. I loved how he could completely consume my form with his.
“You’re going to take me somewhere and rape me aren’t you?” Sawyer looked at me with skepticism. I busted out laughing.
“Yes, yes I am.” I pretended to twiddle a fake mustache. It was his turn to laugh. “No seriously, I just want to go sit at
the top of that hill.” I pointed up to the destination I had planned. “There’s a storm coming in, I love to watch the storms roll over the western valley.”
“Let’s do it.” Sawyer took my hand in his. I still couldn’t get used to how large his hands were in comparison to mine, it felt like home.
Once at the top of the hill, we were both out of breath. I sat on the grass and pulled him with me.
“Now we watch.” I grinned up at him. We sat next to each other in silence for what seemed like hours. The western sky was a water color of orange and purples. The storm clouds looked bruised and dangerous. The cool night air turned chilly with the wind. I came here a lot to think. I turned my head to look at Sawyer, only to find him already staring at me.
“What?” I asked self-consciously.
“You’re amazing, you know that, right? I mean seriously amazing. You’re so gifted at music, you’re interesting to talk to and beautiful… ” He took a breath and paused. His eyes gleamed. “How did you do it?”
“Do what?” I tilted my head to the right in confusion.
“Pick yourself up, after… after everything.” He gazed at me with what I thought was wonder.
“It was really hard. I’m still fitting myself back together. My parents willingly left me behind. I wasn’t good enough for them to want to stick around.” I cringed. “I mean hell, you would’ve thought my mother’s bond to me would’ve, no should’ve been enough.”
Sawyer took my hand in his. The heat radiated from his skin and warmed my fingers.
“Don’t say that, you’re damn well good enough. I think your parents loved you, but they made an impulsive choice.”
“I know they loved me. I had ten years of love. You know I never knew we were poor, not once Sawyer. My parents were about to foreclose on the farm. We had no family to fall back on. In my dad’s suicide note, he apologized for leaving us with nothing. He had hoped his life insurance would have paid the bills. I don’t think he counted on my mother crossing the veil with him.” My cheeks started to ignite with anger. I hated thinking about it too much. “How could they do that?” I started to cry in earnest.
The wind picked up and blew the stray hairs from my braid across my face. Sawyer gently pushed the strands behind my ear. He lightly kissed away my tears with his plush lips. He wrapped his palm around my neck while his thumb stroked at the place where my pulse was beating fast beneath the skin. My heart picked up its pace with his touch. His voice had a deep quality that brought goose bumps to my skin.
“I have to be honest with you, I owe you that. You’ve been through so much already. I’m giving you an out. I have so much shit to work through. Earlier when you asked me about my childhood, I didn’t get to tell you much... ” He looked me in the eyes then, searching, he paused and took a deep breath. “I grew up wealthy, my dad owns Bryant Communications.” My eyes popped open wide.
“No way?” I asked surprised. He averted his eyes for a fraction and then met mine again. Except this time his green eyes were fire. He pulled me closer and tucked me under his arm, his other arm resting on his bent knee.
“Elizabeth, my dad is an asshole. He used to beat the shit out of me and my mother. I haven’t spoken to my parents in over eight years and don’t plan on it again any time soon. I hate him and I hate her for allowing… everything. You have no idea what I went through. I can’t even begin…” he paused and inhaled and exhaled deeply. As he looked down at me his facial features softened. “So I’m giving you an out, and if you take it I’ll never bother you again, okay? If you can deal with this head-case, then I’m all in. I’ve never really felt this way about a girl before and I like it. I like you. But you have to know I come with serious baggage. I shouldn’t put you through this, through me, but I feel like I should at least try with you. You bring me peace, you’re like a balm to my wounds, and you help me breathe again. I can’t help but want you, want all of you. You’ve started to unravel this tight wire that’s strangling my heart. I don’t want you to stop. I want to feel free… with you.”
“Sawyer, I’m all in.” I pulled his lips to mine and savored his sweet softness. His kiss was gentle and I treasured it. I reveled in it, in him. I wanted to know more, I wanted to kiss away every bad memory from his youth. I had to know more. He was broken. I didn’t delude myself to think I could fix him because no one ever fixed me. Together we could become something. For once, I wasn’t the only one holding baggage. Our kiss became heated. Sawyer wound my braid in his hand and pulled me against his mouth. A small whimper of desire escaped my lips at the sudden movement. I felt consumed.
“We should stop,” he whispered against my lips. Breath uneven, I was panting. “I don’t want you to be late for your show, Liz.”
I pulled back and looked into his emerald eyes. They were infinite, beautiful, and they were breaking my soul wide open. I gave him feather light kisses on each eyelid. My fingers caressed the tender skin. He shivered. When his eyes opened again I swore I could see into his soul.
The show started about thirty minutes ago and we’d barely made it in time. My skin was still ablaze from her touch, my need for her growing stronger than I thought possible. I wish I could’ve made love to her up on that hill. I wish time could’ve stopped and we could’ve created that moment with no concern. I can’t believe I told her anything about my past. I needed to be careful because she had enough of her own problems. Elizabeth accepted it though. She was all in and hell if I wasn’t the luckiest man in the room. She again was up on stage stealing my heart. Her voice was caramel. This was a solo show for her. She mostly did cover songs, but the songs were rearranged by her to create an acoustic rain of pure heavenly notes.
From the table I was sitting at, I looked up at her and smiled. The room was filled to the brim with people. Some dancing to her music, some laughing and enjoying the night out at the bar, but everyone, when she started singing, gave her their undivided attention. I liked this place. It was threadbare and had sort of a muted quality to it. The room was a narrow box with walls of brick. The bar was dark cherry wood and had a large mirror behind it trying to create an appearance of a bigger room. I liked how Elizabeth’s voice filled the whole damn place, permeating the walls with her sweet words.
“Hey guys, you having fun tonight?” Elizabeth asked the crowd with pep in her voice. The crowd hooted and hollered. “Well I’m going to do a new cover. I’ve never played this live before. This song means a lot to me, it’s by Blue October, and it’s called Bleed Out. I could never do it better than them, but like I said, it speaks to me. I have a feeling it will speak to you.” Her eyes pinned mine. She nodded and I nodded back. I was interested to see what song could speak to both of us. The song started out slow, the room became silent, and each note was a staccato beat. Then the music became melodic. When she started to sing, the soft dark tone of her voice made the words stick out.
I recognized the song. I think I’d heard it while listening to my internet playlists for running. When she started the chorus her voice sounded thick like she was trying to hold back a sob. She powered through it, I watched as her eyes filled, but didn’t brim over.
As she continued the song, I couldn’t break my appreciations of her. It was like she was singing to me. The words of the song running in my head. I started to feel the acid in my stomach again. The lyrics of the song were about trying to fix another’s pain, trying to fix a broken person. I couldn’t let her try to fix me. I was damaged and would only hurt her. I took a deep breath trying to calm my nerves. She finished the song and the crowd went crazy. She received a standing ovation.
“All right, all right, you guys are going to give me a big head.” She laughed. “I’m going to take a break, be back in thirty.” She walked toward the stage stairs. The club’s sound system started up and the crowd dispersed. I stood and made my way to her. Her face broke into the most fantastic smile and my nerves melted away. She was all in. I had to remember that. Taking her hand in mine we headed for the bar thro
ugh the narrow hallway. I stopped her midstride and pulled her close. She reacted instantly by closing the space between us and pressed her tiny body up against mine, our lips an inch apart. She pulled her bottom lip through her teeth. Her mouth mesmerizing me, I had to taste her once more. Her lips parted with expectation. Filling all the space between her and me, I took her mouth to mine. I nipped at her plump bottom lip and groaned.
I pulled away slowly and whispered in her ear, “You’re so fucking unbelievable. Unbelievably sexy, smart, caring and that voice, well damn cricket, I think it’s invaded my soul.”
“That’s twice you’ve called me cricket. What’s that about? Please don’t tell me it’s a pet name,” she laughed against my neck.
“Maybe. Sorry, it just came out.” I kissed her with vigor and then pulled back. I looked into the dark sapphire of her eyes and they glittered with excitement. “I won’t do it again.”
“No, I like it.” Her lips parted in a smile, her one tiny dimple on display.
I started to kiss her neck and backed her against the wall of the hallway. “Really, tell me what else you like, Elizabeth.”
The back door opened and the cool air from outside brushed our bodies. I pulled my arms around her and enveloped Liz completely obscuring her from the gush of wind.
“Hey man, sorry dude, don’t mind me,” the guy coming through the door said with a smirk to his tone. As I looked up to say no worries, I froze.
“Soy! What’s up, bro? We killed it at the meet you should…” Todd stopped midsentence when he saw Liz in my embrace. “Lizzie…What the fuck?” Todd’s face fell and paled. I immediately stepped away from Liz. She looked shocked.
“I… got… to… ” Todd started to back away from us.
“No Todd, wait.” Elizabeth reached out to touch his arm and he brushed away her touch.
“Don’t Liz, just don’t,” his tone was so flat and dead it scared me. “Later bro, I see you, I see how it is.” He shook his head and slammed the back door open.
Still Life (Forever Still #1) Page 8
