by Natasha West
‘If I can do this. Or if I can do this, for how long,’ Sophie said.
‘Give it time. I swear, it gets easier.’
‘What exactly gets easier?’
‘I don’t know. Life?’ April said vaguely.
‘You mean life on the run, don’t you?’ Sophie corrected.
‘We’re not really on the run. I mean, right now, anyway. We’ve got this house, jobs. We could be OK here.’
‘I know you’re trying to be nice and reassuring and everything, but the thing is, I don’t want this. I want the life that I picked. Not one picked for me,’ Sophie complained.
‘I know. That’s the hard part of this. You feel like you’ve lost the ability to choose. I remember that feeling,’ April said.
‘But you got used to it, that’s what you’re going to tell me?’
April took a deep, philosophical breath. ‘I’m not going to tell you that I love living this way, or that I don’t wish for the freedom to be able to make my own choices again, get a job I choose, a house I choose, a town I choose.’ Her voice dropped as she said the last part of her speech. ‘Or a girlfriend I choose.’
Sophie looked away from April and took a sip of tea. ‘Yeah. Must be rough.’ She felt as though April was still watching her very carefully, and she was unable to stop herself from looking back at her. Sure enough, April was giving her a very serious look. ‘You must wish someone else had shown that grotty flat two years ago. You’d never have met me. Your life would be going on as normal right now,’ she said to Sophie.
‘It’s not your fault,’ Sophie said quickly.
‘But it kind of is, isn’t it?’ April replied wretchedly.
Sophie met April’s gaze, and she considered arguing the point. But she’d had a long day, and she didn’t have the strength. ‘You know what? Yeah. It kind of is,’ she said without anger or cruelty. Because although she didn’t want to cause April any more suffering than she’d already had to endure, it was time to say it, to point out the elephant in the room and say, ‘There he is. And he’s a big bastard.’
But April didn’t look pained. She just smiled sadly. ‘I’m glad you said it.’
‘You are?’
‘Yeah. You should say it. It’s true. I fucked your life up with my selfishness.’
Sophie’s brow met in the middle. ‘You didn’t mean to. You didn’t know where this would all lead.’
‘I didn’t know. But something like this or worse was always a possibility.’
‘I get why you started things. You were feeling a bit… You were horny, right?’ Sophie asked, amused. ‘But why let it go on? Why make plans for the future?’
April frowned. ‘You don’t know?’
Sophie shook her head.
April’s shoulder’s slumped. ‘Because you gave me hope for the first time in a really long time. You made me feel like life might be different.’
‘I did that?’ Sophie asked, surprised.
April nodded. ‘Yes. Every second I knew you, you did that.’
Sophie was so touched, she felt like she might cry for a moment. But she pushed it down and said, ‘You did that for me too.’
April was shocked. ‘Did I?’
‘Yeah. I know I keep talking about how I miss my old life. But I guess some things hadn’t been going so well, not for a long time. I didn’t think I’d ever meet someone I could…’ She paused. ‘And then, there you were. Suddenly, it all seemed so easy.’
‘What did?’
Sophie wondered if she should say what she wanted to say. But she didn’t feel in control. She’d started to tell the truth and now the truth was all she could speak. ‘Being in love.’
April’s hand flew to her heart. ‘You loved me?’
‘Of course I did,’ Sophie confessed, and it didn’t seem so hard to admit these things anymore. It was only what had happened.
‘You never said it,’ April said.
‘I was scared. I didn’t know if... I didn’t know if you would freak out.’
April started to laugh, and Sophie didn’t know what the hell was so funny. ‘Hey, I’m frigging pouring my heart out here, what’s the joke?’
‘The joke is that I’ve never felt about anyone the way I did about you. I was completely in love with you. And you didn’t know,’ April said, starting to laugh again. ‘It’s absurd. I thought it was so obvious.’
Sophie gaped at April in shock and delight. ‘Oh my god, you were? So we were in love, and we were both too stupid to say anything?’
April’s laughter trailed off. ‘Yeah. But maybe it’s best we didn’t. It probably would have only made it that much worse when I had to leave.’
‘Still, I wish I’d… Oh, Christ, I don’t know. What a fucking mess it all is,’ Sophie said, beginning to feel a bit shaky. It was a lot to deal with, and she sipped her tea in the hopes of finding some nerve in there. It worked, a little. Once she felt steadier, she turned back to April. ‘You ever wonder where we’d be now? I mean, if you hadn’t had to go.’
April blew out a breath. ‘God, I don’t know. I like to think we’d have made it.’
‘You think?’
‘Maybe.’
Sophie’s head was spinning. She was sitting here now with the only woman she’d ever truly loved, and she was finding out that if circumstances had been different, if things beyond their control hadn’t gotten involved, that they might be in love now, living their life together.
Only they were living their life together, weren’t they? For the foreseeable future, they only had each other. Sophie had been feeling all sorts of things since she’d moved into this house. The only thing that had gotten in the way of it had been the resentment that she felt she couldn’t speak of. But she’d released it into the air, and now it felt as though it was slipping away. That blame, it was leaving her. They were just two people who’d been caught up in a swirl of events. The only thing Sophie knew was that once, they’d wanted to be together. She had to ask herself, was that different now?
No. No, it wasn’t.
‘I still love you,’ Sophie told April. It felt good to say it, to let herself feel it.
April’s eyes widened. ‘Even after…’
‘I don’t care about that anymore. What happened, happened. You didn’t mean for any of this, neither did I. But we’re here, and I feel like that two years apart didn’t even happen. I can’t help it. I can’t not love you. I just can’t.’
April pressed a hand to her mouth, tears welling.
Sophie was shocked. ‘I’m sorry. Did I just make witness protection spectacularly awkward?’
April wiped a tear away, a small laugh falling from her lips. ‘No, it’s not… I think I still… I still love you too.’
Sophie’s heart fluttered at April’s words. But she didn’t look very happy about saying them, and that worried Sophie. ‘Is that so awful?’ she asked April.
‘What if we have to be separated again? It was awful last time. I was heartbroken.’
‘So was I. But I was happy before that, more than I ever had been. What if there’s a chance we could be happy again?’ Sophie asked nervously. That she could have come this far, let herself feel this love again, and have April reject her? It was more than she could bear.
April looked at her. ‘You’d really want to be with me after what it cost you before?’
Sophie nodded. ‘I really think I do. And that should tell you something. I’m in witness protection as a result of loving you before, and it’s still the thing I want more than anything.’
A hesitant smile appeared on April’s lips. ‘I’m so scared right now; you don’t even know.’
‘Yes, I do,’ Sophie said and moved closer to her on the sofa.
April watched her slip closer. ‘Is this, are you… Is this you making a move?’
Sophie laughed nervously. ‘It’s not great, is it?’
‘Do you remember the first time we kissed?’ April asked her.
Sophie smiled. ‘Yeah, you
went for it. I was really impressed. You seemed really confident and sexy.’
‘I wasn’t either of those things until I met you. You brought it out,’ April told her.
Sophie inhaled deeply. ‘Then let it out again. Kiss me like that time.’
April looked at her for a moment and then moved forward, grabbing the cup of tea out of her hand and putting it down on the coffee table with a crack, tea slopping over the edge. She slipped a hand behind Sophie’s neck and gently pulled her forward. Sophie went gladly. She felt April’s soft lips on hers, and she felt the world fall away. The only thing that existed to her was April, just like before. Their bodies wound together, and they fell back on the sofa. It wasn’t long before clothes were pulled off, and they were naked and together, close, just like before.
For the first time in a long time, despite the circumstances, Sophie felt like everything was alright. No, better. She felt like everything was perfect.
Eighteen
April woke up on the sofa a few hours later, intertwined with Sophie. They were both naked. April was a little cold, but she wasn’t going to move. Sophie looked comfortable, and she didn’t want to disturb her.
April ran a finger up Sophie’s back, caressing her soft skin. She couldn’t believe this had happened again. She’d done the one thing she swore she’d never do. Let herself get close to Sophie.
It had put her at risk before. But here she was, doing the selfish thing again. Because Sophie had forgiven her and given her another chance. April didn’t know how Sophie could do such a thing, let someone back in who’d wrecked her life. Twice.
She had, though. And April was still the same person who couldn’t turn away from Sophie. She loved her too much. Or maybe not enough if she couldn’t keep away from her even when she thought it was best for her. But it was that thing again. Sophie made her feel like there was a chance that everything could work out, that she could be content, that she was allowed to be.
Still, April was angry with herself. But also, deliriously happy. Sophie was in her arms.
***
‘Hey,’ Sophie said into April’s ear, and she woke up to find Sophie exactly where she’d left her, wrapped around her. ‘Hello,’ April said with a small, sleepy smile.
‘I’m freezing; how about you?’ Sophie asked, clinging onto April for warmth.
‘Yep. I don’t know how we slept so long like this,’ April said.
‘I do. I was tired. I worked a terrible shift and you took what energy I had left,’ Sophie said with mild lasciviousness.
‘Yeah, it was pretty intense, wasn’t it?’ April asked, feeling an absurd shyness befall her.
‘Intense,’ Sophie agreed. And then her face screwed up with pain. ‘Oh my god, my arm!’
‘What?’
‘You slept on it all night. It’s completely numb!’ Sophie complained.
April hopped up, grabbing her panties while she watched Sophie flailing her arm. ‘Ahhhh!’ she wailed, waggling her arm. ‘That really hurts!’
April watched Sophie wave her arm about crazily, stark naked. She looked ridiculous. April had never loved her more.
A knock at the door put a halt to the moment. April and Sophie swapped a look. ‘Barry,’ they said together.
April started putting her clothes on while Sophie tried to do the same with one functioning arm. April could barely finish dressing for laughing. Once she was decent, she turned to see that Sophie just about had her top on, but she was still waving her floppy arm at herself. ‘Work, you fool!’ she said to it.
‘I’ll get the door,’ April smiled and went off to answer it. It was, indeed, Barry. ‘Hi,’ she greeted him.
‘Mmm,’ he nodded disagreeably and stepped into the hall. April wished he could have come some other time. She wanted her moment with Sophie to continue for as long as it could before reality showed up in the form of a grumpy copper with a dairy intolerance.
‘She in there?’ Barry asked, heading up the hallway and into the living room without waiting for an answer. April followed apprehensively. Barry looked extra pissy this morning.
In the living room, Sophie was dressed and sat casually on the sofa as though they hadn’t spent the night besmirching it. ‘Yo, Baz.’
Barry raised a suspicious eyebrow. ‘You seem oddly chipper.’
Sophie shrugged. ‘Just living my life, such as it is.’
‘Whatever.’ Barry sat down on the other end of the sofa. April sat on the single chair, trying not to read too much into Barry’s demeanour. But then he gave her a reason to. ‘I’ve come to deliver some bad news.’
April hand’s clenched. ‘Do we have to go? Are you splitting us up?’
‘What? No, nothing like that. It’s about the case. With Kenny.’
Sophie swapped an anxious look with April. ‘What about him?’
‘I couldn’t make charges stick. He’s out.’
‘Oh,’ April said, trying to figure out what that meant. ‘But he doesn’t know where we are, does he?’
‘No, he doesn’t. But it’s a setback. I was really hoping I could dangle a big sentence over his head, turn him.’
Sophie slumped down on the sofa, decidedly less cheery than she’d been a minute ago. ‘How did he get off? It was wall to wall witnesses.’
‘Well, he took a beating during the incident. The solicitor was able to use that fact to twist it. Make him seem like a victim.’
‘Even though he talked about my mum and my family, the bounty, all of it?’ April asked.
‘The lawyer claimed you made it all up, used an unconnected case to get sympathy.’
‘Why would I do that?’ April asked.
‘Because you caused a car crash and induced someone else to kick him in the head.’
April gave a shocked laugh. ‘I was trying to kidnap him, was I?’
‘He said you were…’ Barry stopped and coughed into his hand. ‘He said you were in the car to give him a handjob for twenty pounds. Which he said you delivered. And when he wouldn’t pay up, you lost your temper.’
Sophie was wide-eyed. ‘That little shit! He said she was a sex worker! And what about me?’
‘Claimed you were her pimp.’
Sophie gawped. ‘I beg your fucking what?!’
Barry looked as though he couldn’t believe he was saying it either. ‘I’m not sure the Crown Prosecution Service really bought it, but they said it was the kind of story a jury might wonder about. Juries like simple stories they can understand. This stopped being that. It’s cowardly, but it’s how the CPS looks at things. They want me to bring them something iron clad before they’ll start up with this case. All this business has gone on too long, they’ve had too many Gardeners and their employee's sliver free. Not counting your brother, of course.’
April sat back in her chair, shaking her head. ‘He was supposed to be the final pawn. That’s what you said, Barry.’
‘I thought we had him. I really did. But…’ He trailed off.
‘I guess we don’t have to testify, then,’ Sophie said.
Barry nodded. ‘That’s true. But you still have to remain under our care.’
‘Yeah, I know,’ Sophie said. ‘You made that clear. I’m a link to April now, aren’t I?’ she said with a meaningful glance to April. April felt that guilt well up again.
Barry nodded. ‘That’s how they work. Ruthless. They’d come for you.’
Sophie said nothing for a moment until something struck her. ‘How’s Becky doing? She alright?’
Barry gave a thin smile. ‘Becky’s fine. No trouble there. She’s under watch still, just in case.’
‘Good,’ Sophie said, chewing her fingernail. ‘That’s something.’
‘So, what happens now?’ April asked.
‘Honestly? Not a lot,’ Barry said. ‘I just keep working the case, trying to find another weak link in their chain.’
Sophie pursed her lips. ‘Yeah. Good luck with that.’
‘You’re disappointed,’ Barry noted f
latly.
‘That these people can do what they like and get away with it?’ Sophie asked. ‘A bit, yeah. Especially as it means neither of us can ever feel safe again.’
Barry went uncharacteristically quiet for a moment and then attempted to lighten the mood. ‘How're the new jobs?’
Sophie gave a sarcastic thumbs up.
‘They’re fine,’ April said.
