“Feel me get shot?”
“Nope, not a twinge. Mental bond my arse.”
I shrugged, grinning. “What can I say? Manly tears affect me that way.”
“Huh. Some big bad tough cop you are.”
“Are you bringing the twins next time? I want to see them.”
“Maybe. We tried not to involve them too much, especially when they weren’t sure...uh....”
“If I would make it?”
“Yeah. Are you up to the boys? The doctor told us you were pretty much held together with spit and goodwill.”
My brother the vet tended to forget human patients understood remarks like that. “Were you supposed to tell me that? And yes, I can handle the boys. I want to see them, and Tara.”
Sorrow washed over me, shocking me with the suddenness of it. Deep, aching misery and grief. I covered my face, confused and heartbroken. What was I grieving over?
Yashi squeezed my shoulder. “Javen? Javen, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I sobbed. “I’m okay.”
“You sound it. Let me find a medic.”
He got up and went to the door, but as soon as he did, the sorrow passed as if it had never been, leaving only a stuffy nose and a vague tightness in my chest. “Wait, I’m fine. Yashi?”
He’d stepped out, but I heard his voice from a little way outside. Damn, if he called a medic in....
Yashi returned. “Sorry, there was a man outside crying. I just wanted to see if he was okay.” He stared at me. “Crying like you were.”
“Coincidence. I’ve been up and down.” But a cold dread filled me even as I said it. Could I really have been affected by the emotions of a total stranger I couldn’t even see?
“That must be it. Look, do you need anything? The medics said to keep it short and if Mum and Dad are coming over, I don’t want to wear you out.”
My crying jag had exhausted me. “I know. Come back tomorrow?”
“For sure. And with the kids.” He bent and kissed my cheek. “Stay calm, rest.”
“I will.” But the frisson of fear I felt, scared me. Just whose fear was it?
~~~~~~~~
I told myself my wildly swinging moods were nothing more than a reaction to my injuries and the shock of nearly dying. Even when I broke down in tears in front of my parents because Mum did, Dad muttered something like, “No need to be ashamed, son,” though he was embarrassed as hell. That only made it worse.
I mentioned the problem as casually as I could to the doctors, and a charming lady psychologist came and sat with me, talking about post traumatic stress and near death experiences until I felt sane again, and accepted the prescription for a mild sedative with relief that my labile emotions were just a side-effect of my injuries. With the help of drugs and determination, I feigned calm so well that Trilok and Superintendent Ferir, coming to visit and bringing a video message from the entire station house as well as a gag gift of a bottle of virulent orange vitamin syrup, looked a little stunned.
“Never seen an officer this cheerful about being shot before, Ythen,” my super said.
“Better than being dead,” I chirped. Trilok winced. “Docs say it’ll be a few weeks before I’m ready for active duty, but don’t go giving my job away just yet, sir.”
“You worry about getting back on your feet, sergeant, and leave operational matters to me. I’ve assigned Constable Vimet a temporary partner, of course, but we’re all looking forward to you coming back to work.”
I gave him the thumbs up. “Good as new, sir.”
I think I scared him a little. He told me brief details about the shooters and their deaths, but wandered off to let me talk to Trilok in private shortly after.
“What the hell are they giving you?” my partner asked as soon as we were alone. “Double doses of larin?”
“Nope. Just determined to go back to my job. No need to be so suspicious, Trilok.”
He frowned. “How did you know...? Are you sure you’re okay, sarge?”
“Absolutely fine, bar a few supernumerary holes.” I gave him the thumbs up again, but at his puzzled look, I hid my hands under the covers. “Don’t go getting slack because I’m not around.”
“No, I won’t. Anything you need, sarge?”
We chatted for a couple of minutes, but he made his excuses after that. I knew I’d made him uncomfortable. Not as in I read his expression. I knew it. Felt it in my head.
My psychologist, Doctor Woy, was less cheerful when I told her that. “I’d like to run a few tests, Javen, just to be sure I haven’t missed something. I can wait until you’re feeling better, if you like.”
Missed what? “No, do them as soon as you want. When I’m not being poked, or hauled around the physio room, I’ve got nothing to do. You’re worried?”
She straightened up and smiled at me. An act, and I wished I hadn’t been so sure of that. “Not really. I’m being ultra cautious. Keep taking those sedatives, and try not to worry about things. Call me if you want to talk, okay? I’ll drop around tomorrow and we’ll run through some questions.”
The moment she left, I regretted telling her the truth. What if this was something serious? Real psychological damage, the kind of thing that would get me marked as unfit for work? Damn it, I’d die if I had to work as a desk jockey. Seen too many cops go down that route, become fat, sour and narrow. I’d quit before I let that happen.
Kirin’s visits were a mixture of pleasure and pain for me. Pleasure because I loved him and missed him, pain because his anxiety rubbed off on me. When he came by that evening, that unease reverberated off my own worry, making me snappish and impatient with my lover in a way I hated, but couldn’t seem to stop. “Would you like me to leave?” he asked after I’d barked at him about fidgeting.
“No. Just sit still. I’ve got enough to think about without worrying about you.”
“I know that, Javen. It’s not a lot of fun on this side of the bed either.”
“Maybe you should find someone to fill the gap.”
His eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
“If it’s so tedious, you don’t have to play the attentive lover. I’d rather you went off and had fun if you find it so boring.” He paled. I felt like shit for being so bloody vile. “Kirin, no. I’m sorry. Ignore me. I’m...just all fucked up lately.”
He patted my hand. “I know you are, love. But we’re in this together, remember. No replacing you with anyone,” he added, wagging his finger and making me smile. “Is there anything I can do? More books, better music? Anything?”
“Blowjob?”
“Here?”
His scandalised face made me laugh. “Be something, wouldn’t it? In the governor’s own private ward?”
“Your mother would never speak to me again. And she’d tell my mother.”
“Be worth it just to hear that conversation.”
“You’re serious.”
“No. To tell the truth, I don’t think I could get it up anyway. Too many drugs and wires and things.
“It’s not....”
“Permanent? Don’t think so. I haven’t actually asked.”
“Sanity, Javen, you have to find out! A man’s...reactions...are essential.”
“Yeah, but there’s been a bit more to worry about than morning wood. I’ll find out for you, so you don’t need to pick up a toyboy for relief purposes.”
Again he wagged his finger. “You’re spending too much time thinking along those lines. Stop it. It’s unhealthy.”
“Yes, Mum.”
“Brat.” He stood. “I should go though. You look tired.” He brushed the hair off my forehead. “Love you.” He bent and kissed me. “Sleep well.”
“You too. And I’m sorry.”
“You’re a terrible patient. Get well and it’ll be behind us.”
Oh, I hoped so. I really hoped so.
~~~~~~~~
“Some questions” took two hours and left me exhausted and fretful, though nice Doctor Woy took it a
s gently as possible, giving me lots of breaks and support.
“That’s the worst of it,” she said. “I’ll need a brain scan and some blood work done, but I hope to have some preliminary results by tomorrow and then we can go from there.”
“What do you think it is?”
I’d come to distrust that particular smile of hers, the one that said “Let’s not scare anyone just yet.” I’d used it too many times myself in the field. “I don’t think it’s helpful to speculate. You’ll just worry yourself and there’s probably no need. How are you sleeping?”
“Fine,” I lied. “I feel much better today.”
“Excellent. Then I’m sure these tests will rule anything major out. Concentrate on your physical therapy. More than enough there to keep your mind working.”
We were both lying. When doctors lied, patients had good reason to be scared.
I had the scan and more blood drawn, but I heard nothing from the psychologist the next day or the day after that. I guessed if it had been something life threatening like a tumour, there wouldn’t have been a delay, but the silence made me edgy and cranky, and poor Kirin took the brunt of it. At least Yashi was with him the second time and told me to knock it off, but both of them were more concerned than angry. I wanted to tell them to knock it off, but how could they and how could I?
They were making noises about leaving when Doctor Woy turned up. “Oh, Javen, you have visitors. I can come back.”
“It’s okay, doctor. This is my brother, Yashi, and my partner, Kirin.”
“Oh. Nice to meet you.” She shook hands with them. “I suppose it’s just as well...you could do with some support, I think. If you don’t mind them hearing the results of the tests, I mean.”
Yashi took my hand. “Bad news, doctor?”
“Um, possibly. Javen?”
“Tell me,” I said. Yashi squeezed my hand. Kirin moved in closer. “Is it a tumour?”
She was taken aback. “Goodness, no. You’re not ill at all. Is that what you thought?”
“Yes. But if it’s not that—”
“No, it’s not. Categorically not. You two are twins, aren’t you? Identical? Do you have children, Yashi?”
“Identical twin boys.”
“Ah, then this will affect you too. Javen, you and Yashi have the gene for empathy. Did you realise that?”
I frowned. “No. How can we? We’re both Kelon.” Yashi looked at me in confusion. Kirin squinted at the doctor. I reached for his hand but he didn’t see.
“I don’t know how specifically. Obviously I don’t know your family history in every detail, but the results are unequivocal.”
“You mean we have banis blood?” But we were Kelon. The whole family were Kelon.
Yashi grinned uneasily. “You want to tell Dad or will I?”
Wouldn’t that be fun. “Um, you, I think, since I’m injured. But, doctor, I’m not empathic. I did the test when I joined the force.”
“No, you weren’t then. You are now.”
“What?”
Kirin’s voice echoed mine. “How can that be?” he asked. “When did it happen?” I didn’t care for the accusation in his voice that seemed half aimed at me.
“I think it was triggered by the shooting,” she said. “It’s rare but there are cases on record of trauma or severe illness activating empathy in Kelon individuals with the gene.”
“Then untrigger it. They can do that now, right? Gene therapy or something?”
She shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. Some things we could reverse, yes. Not this. It fundamentally changes brain structure and chemistry. Trying to reverse could leave you severely damaged. You’ll have to accept that you’re now an empath and will be for the rest of your life.”
“No, you have to be wrong! I’m not an empath. I can’t be a cop with empathy.” She winced—my voice had got a little loud. But damn it, this couldn’t be right. It couldn’t.
Yashi finally realised what the real issue was. “Javen,” he murmured.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “The results are very clear. You are empathic, and very strongly so. And I, uh, have a statutory duty to tell your employer.”
“No! Run the test again! I can’t be,” I pleaded. “I’m a cop. Please. Do it again.”
“I would if I thought there was the least point. You have to accept this. You’re an empath. I’m sorry.”
I reached for Kirin, but he backed away. “Kirin?”
“I’m sorry, Javen. I...I just...there’s something I need to deal with.”
“Kirin!” Yashi shouted after him.
“I’ll be back. I’m sorry!”
Why was Kirin running away just when I needed him? Yashi put his hand on my shoulder as I glared at the doctor. “What have you done to me?” I snapped at her. “You’ve just destroyed my whole bloody life.”
“No, I didn’t. No one caused this, Javen, except possibly the men who shot you. The ability was within you. Both of you, and likely your boys, Yashi. You should all be tested.”
“No,” I said. “Leave them alone. Leave me alone.”
She bowed her head. “I’m so sorry. I’ll come by tomorrow—”
“You’ve done enough, thank you.” My voice was cold, but my chest tightened with tears I fought not to shed.
“I’ll come by anyway. Javen, it’s not the end of the world.”
I stared at Yashi and ignored her until she went away. Then Yashi hugged me. “She’s right. It’s not the end of everything.”
“Only my job. My career. What am I going to do, Yashi?”
“Dunno, brother. But I’ll be with you while you work it out. Don’t worry about that.”
I buried my face against his arm. Did I cry because of his sorrow or my own? Did it matter? This stupid, ridiculous, useless ability was no substitute for the job I loved. I might as well cry. Wasn’t much else I could do, not now.
Javen and the Ex
The day broke, pale sun shining cheerfully through the windows. I looked at it and the invitation it held to get up and join the bustling masses. “Not today,” I mumbled, rolled over and tried to get some more sleep.
Three hours later when my bladder and aching back made it impossible to avoid being awake, I took a piss, then stumbled into the kitchen. I stopped short and blinked, gritty-eyed, at seeing my brother Yashi there. It was nine. The family was normally long gone by the time I woke again from restless dreams and rose, looking for chai.
“Oh. Is it your late shift today? I thought that was tomorrow.”
Yashi lifted an eyebrow in exactly the same way I would. “Same day every week. Losing track of time, brother?”
I made a face at him and headed for the cupboard. He continued putting the clean dishes away. “You could leave all that. I’ll clear it later.”
“It’s okay. Waiting for the laundry to finish. If you could clear the dryer and fold the clothes....”
I waved at him to say that’d be fine. We were still sorting out what chores I should do in exchange for free lodging. I did a fair bit in addition to babysitting, but he and Tara already had a scarily efficient routine to manage their twins, careers, and the household, and Yashi didn’t like to impose. I’d tried to let him know I’d be only too happy if someone would ask me to do something useful, but he was an independent sod. Like me, really.
“You want chai?”
“Sure, why not. I’m ahead of myself today, and the boss won’t care if I’m late.”
I smiled a little at his joke as I filled the kettle. Yashi ran his own vet practice. He could do what he liked.
“Having more for breakfast than chai, I hope,” he said as he sat down.
“What? Oh, maybe later. Not hungry right now.”
“Right. My face needs a shave too.”
“Huh?” He pointed at my features, identical to his own except for the stubble. “Yeah, I guess. No one cares any more.”
“I do. Tara does. The kids do. They want to see you look okay, Javen. You know�
��back with us.”
My conniving twin had engineered this, I realised sourly. Should have figured it from his elevated concern, but there was so much of it around lately, I habitually ignored it. “You do ‘rock paper scissors’ with Tara to decide who’d give me the pep talk?”
He rolled his eyes. “Dad called last night. He really wants you to work with him. It’s not charity.”
“I know. But I really don’t want that job. I hate all that political stuff as much as you do.” I filled the chai pot with boiling water, and set two mugs out. “I know fuck all about mining leases. I’m a cop.”
“Was a cop.”
“Rub it in, why don’t you?”
I felt his regret at upsetting me, which only upset me more. “You have to move on, Javen. Yes, it sucks they kicked you out for something you have no control over, but you’re only thirty-one. Even if you hadn’t developed empathy, that shooting could have been enough on its own to make you retire and you’d have the same problem.”
“But it wasn’t,” I said, louder and sharper than was polite. “Physically, I’m fine. And if they’d kept me, empathy would have just made me a better cop.”
“I know,” he said quietly. “It’s a dumb law, but lots of people agree with it. Even Dad said he does.”
“Figures.”
Yashi poured out the chai and I sat down. “Okay, we’re officially worried. You’re moping, you’re letting your grooming go, you haven’t spoken to anyone outside the family since you moved in with us, and that’s not like you.”
“It is when I have a nasty break-up with my lying, cheating boyfriend.”
“Kirin never cheated on you, and you know it.”
“Huh. Let that little arsehole move in quick enough after I left.”
He held up his hands. “Not getting in the middle of this. I don’t like what Kirin did, and I’ve told him. But he’s a friend, and I don’t believe he cheated on you. What Devi’s role was, I don’t know.”
“I do. Arsehole.”
Yashi sighed. “Well, maybe. Javen. You need to find something to keep you busy, something that gives you what being a cop did.”
“You don’t get it. You don’t do cop work. You are a cop. It defines you. Me. It’s all I’ve wanted to be since I was ten, same as you wanted to be a vet. I don’t have anything else.” I turned the mug around but didn’t drink from it. “My pension and investments are enough to live on.”
Different Senses Page 2
