“No, that won’t happen. He won’t let it happen, and neither will I. Javen, please.” His expression softened. “You don’t understand how hard it’s been to make people see me for who I am, despite my race. Lalit only wanted people to hear my music.”
“People would have listened to you anyway. Your talent is more than enough. You didn’t need all this other stuff.”
He pursed his lips and looked away.
“I’m still going to the police.”
“Fine. I can’t stop you. But I won’t help you. Please understand why.”
“I do, but I don’t understand—” I gave up. “Lalit has until the day after tomorrow to speak to the police voluntarily. I’d be happy to go with him, or both of you to help. Trust me, it would be better for him to confess.”
“I know. Does this mean the end for us, Javen?”
“I don’t want it to be. But I need time to...make sense of a few things.”
“You know this will hurt all my people, not just me.”
“Don’t you think I know that? That’s why I’m giving the two of you this time!”
He pushed his chair back as if to get away from my voice. “Please don’t yell. You’re scaring me.”
“I’m sorry. Tushar, this is wrong. What Lalit has done is wrong, very wrong. I swore once to uphold the law, and even though I’m no longer a cop, I abide by that oath as much as I can. I can overlook some things, but not this.”
“People will hate him and blame me.”
“Maybe. Or maybe they’ll forgive him. He has to take responsibility.”
I leaned down and kissed him, and he stroked my cheek. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”
“And I don’t want to hurt you. Let me speak to Lalit. I owe him that much.”
“Okay. Call me when you’ve made your decision.”
“Yes. Good night. Sleep well, malu.”
I decided to walk part of the way home. I needed time to sort out my feelings before I inflicted myself on Yashi and Tara.
Tushar was prepared to lie and cover up serious crimes, and no matter how I rationalised it, I couldn’t accept that. I loved him, or at least, I was falling in love. But a lover who lied? Who could brush aside crimes like this for his career? Could I trust him not to do it again? And if I couldn’t, then what?
I called a taxi and five minutes later, it collected me from where I was walking. Tara threw herself at me as I walked in, almost sobbing with relief. “Oh Javen, we were so worried!”
“But you surely heard on the news everything ended up fine.”
“Stupid man. We were still worried. Come in and apologise for scaring us to death.”
The twins jumped on me and told me off, as did Yashi, though he grinned while he did it. “Sorry, guys. I had stuff to do and I forgot.”
“Uncle Javen is very naughty,” Madhu decreed.
“Yeah, he’s bad,” Harshul yelled, right in my ear.
“Yes, I am.”
“No dessert for you!” he shouted.
“Nope, none at all.”
“That’s enough, kids,” Yashi said, still grinning. “Uncle Javen has suffered enough.”
“More than you know.”
He looked at me over Harshul’s shoulder, but I shook my head to deter him from asking. I wasn’t ready to talk about it.
Later, when the kids had gone to bed, I felt I could tell them the bare minimum they needed to know. After all, this crap would explode over my family too, if only peripherally. “The kidnapping was a publicity stunt,” I told them. “So were the other attacks. Tushar’s manager set it up without his knowledge.”
Tara gasped a little. “I can’t believe it. Did you know?”
Yashi frowned at his wife. “Of course he didn’t know. Look at his face. What did you do when you found out?”
“Told them to go to the police, or I would. Tushar won’t give him up. Says he’ll lie to protect him.”
“I’m sorry, brother. Is that the end of you and Tushar?”
“I don’t know. It’ll be hard to trust him. If either one of you lied about something this big, tried to cover it up, would you forgive them?”
They looked at each other. “I don’t know,” Tara said. “It wouldn’t be easy. But for the kids, I’d have to try.”
“Deep down, I’d always expect them to lie to me too one day,” Yashi said. “Tara being honest and moral is such a big part of what I take for granted...a lie like that.... I don’t envy you, Javen. The press will go crazy again.”
“Yes, and this time, it’ll be unpleasant. That’s why I wanted to warn you. Tara, things could become hostile at school.”
“I’ll cope. Poor Javen,” she said, stroking my arm. “You were so smitten.”
“Yes.” And Ursemin had known that, which only made it worse.
Every time my phone went the next day, I jumped. My nervous impatience infected the team and made them snappish and miserable, to the point where I finally told Prachi and Vik to go home. “I’m sorry, kids. I have no business taking it out on you guys.”
“Can we help?” Prachi asked. “Is it about the kidnapping?”
“Yes, sort of, but no, you can’t help. Thank you. Um...I might be foul tomorrow too. Just know it’s not you, and if I’m too appalling, just tell me. Or tell Madan and he can shoot me.” She giggled. At least the two of them left in a better mood.
“I should shoot you,” Madan said. “But I’d rather you told me what’s up. This isn’t like you at all.”
“If I tell you, it goes no further.”
“I’d be insulted if I didn’t know you’re half out of your mind worrying about something.”
“Yeah, sorry. It’s about Tushar and Ursemin.”
I told him everything I knew or suspected. He wasn’t as shocked as I expected, and it made me wonder just how deep my self-delusion had gone. “Did I do the wrong thing? Giving them time to sort things out?”
“Arguably, but who could blame you? But he hasn’t called.”
“No. I don’t want to be the one who kills his career.”
“You won’t be. You know you have to go to the police. Even if we weren’t ex-cops, it’s the only honourable thing to do.”
I knew that, but.... Damn you, Tushar, call!
He didn’t. Neither of them did. I even thought about going over to encourage them, but in the end I didn’t. This had to be them doing the right thing because it was the right thing.
I slept badly and woke depressed and resigned. No messages, no missed calls. Perhaps they thought I wouldn't go through with it. Perhaps Ursemin counted on my feelings for Tushar to stay my hand. If so, he was wrong.
It was Yashi’s late morning, so he was still home when I woke up. “Running late today?” he asked as I stumbled into the kitchen looking for caffeine.
“I, uh...have something to do before I go to work.”
“You look bloody terrible. Are you sick?”
“Heart trouble.”
He straightened in alarm, but then realised what I meant. “I’m sorry, Javen. Do you want me to come with you? I can easily put things off at the clinic for a couple of hours.”
So tempting to lean on my beloved twin. “Thanks, but I’ll be okay. Just...be home tonight?”
“Of course.” He startled me by giving me a brief, strong-armed hug. “If he doesn’t do what he should do, then he’s not the man you thought he was.”
“But maybe the man I thought he was, was too idealised for anyone to be.”
“Expecting someone to tell you the truth isn’t idealistic. It’s natural. Have some chai. I don’t have to go just yet. Are you in a hurry?”
Any delay was welcome. “No. Sit with me, Yashi. Talk to me about the kids, and the baby.”
~~~~~~~~
Lieutenant Mahre agreed to meet me, but as soon as I mentioned it was about the kidnapping, he said, “Uh, I thought you’d heard.”
“What?” A sharp burst of hope filled me. “Has Sri Ursemin be
en in touch?”
“Yes. Are you here to tell me the same thing? That he and Sri Tushar have gone to Kelon so Sri Tushar can take up a recording contract there?”
I stared open-mouthed at him. “I guess you aren’t,” he said. “Let’s start from the beginning.”
“No, wait...Kelon?”
“Yes. Permanently, he said. On the first flight this morning. He let us know that he wouldn’t be able to assist further in investigating the kidnapping or the other assaults. I told him it was unfortunate, but couldn’t be helped.”
“That bastard. That sodding, unreasoning piece of shit!”
Mahre’s eyebrows rose to his hairline. “Sergeant?”
I told him what I knew, and what Ursemin had admitted. Mahre shook his head when I finished. “Cursed insanity. And you had no idea.”
“None. Not until I made him confess when we got back to Hegal. I gave him time to come to you himself, but instead....”
“He did a runner. Then I guess I close the files and tell the prosecutor to drop the charges against Benay. I can’t force an extradition from Kelon over something this minor. All I can do is flag the system for when they return.”
“Which they won’t.”
“Which they won’t,” he agreed. “Something of a shock for you, and a disappointment.”
“He played me.”
“He played a lot of people.”
“Yeah. Want me to make an official statement?”
“No point. I’ll make a note on the case files and if they ever come back to Uterden, then we’ll call you in. Otherwise, chalk it up to experience and get on with your life.”
In a way, the two of them had saved me from what I’d dreaded, but they’d only done it by accident. I knew my welfare and feelings weren’t even on the list of things Ursemin had considered as he beat a hasty retreat.
And Tushar?
My silent phone was my answer. He could have sent a message before he left, or as he left. He hadn’t. I’d been a lovesick fool, and got all I deserved.
I went to the office. The kids weren’t there. Madan had sent them out to do research and a few errands. “I thought you might prefer some privacy. It was on the news channel an hour or so ago. You didn’t see it?”
“No.” I hadn’t been in the mood to look at the media feed because I knew it was bound to mention Tushar. “So it’s all over.”
“I guess. Will you be all right?”
I snorted. “This isn’t even the tenth worse thing to ever happen to me. About time I got back to some real work. So, what’s in the morning’s messages?”
Concentrating on the backlog worked surprisingly well as a distraction, and so long as I didn’t stop to think about anything else, I was okay. Prachi’s sympathetic look when she returned nearly did me in, though.
“Okay, guys,” I said. “Just to clear the air. Yeah, I’m angry and I’m upset. I’ll live. You don’t have to dance around me and avoid using the T word, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t hum any of his songs for a few days, and um...well, that’s it.”
“If people ask about it?”
“Tell them it’s none of their business. Or send them to me so I can tell them. Do you want to ask anything about it?”
“How could he just leave? Did he care about you at all?” Prachi asked quietly. “Or was it all an act?”
I had to take a deep breath before I could answer. “I don’t know for sure, and I’ll never know now. I’m as confused as you are, if it’s any consolation.”
“He seemed such a good man,” Vik murmured. “I liked him.”
“Everyone liked him. There was a lot to like. For the sake of the Nihan, maybe it’s better people are left to believe that.”
“Believe in a lie?” Prachi said.
“Not really a lie. Anything else? Okay, then back to work, and hopefully, back to normal as soon as we can do it.”
I sent everyone home at five, despite their attempts to linger and cosset me. “No, I don’t need help, or watching. Go home and study if you’re so eager to keep working,” I told Vik. “And Madan, your wife deserves to see you before dark once in a while.”
“Why? She already knows what I look like.”
“Shoo. See you all tomorrow.”
The office fell silent. I should have gone home too, but facing Tara’s sympathy without Yashi being there to take the edge off, was more than my cowardly self could bear. Instead, I read reports on the media feed, masochistically digesting the breathless commentary about Tushar’s sudden move to Kelon, and the pride in the homegrown talent who’d made it big. Ironically, he had. No one could take anything away from his achievements as an artist. The fact that one Kelon ex-lover would never be able to hear his music again without dying a little inside, was neither here nor there.
The office door opened. “Sorry, we’re closed...oh. Shardul.”
He leaned elegantly on the doorframe, backlit by the street lights. “Still at work, Javen? You should have gone home an hour ago.”
“Then why are you here?”
He folded his arms. “Because I knew you would be, and I thought you might like to go out for a drink.”
“So you can be snide at me?”
“I’m off the clock. I’m only snide during office hours.”
I snorted. “Sure. Yeah, why not? I have stuff to tell you.”
“As do I.”
“Fine. You're driving.”
I waited until we were in a small tavern in the heart of old Hegal that Shardul had never taken me to before, but which he clearly knew well. He ordered beer for me, juice for himself, then looked at me expectantly. “How much do you know?” I asked.
“Only that Tushar and his manager have gone to Kelon to pursue greater things. I deduced this came as a surprise to you since you didn’t mention it at the festival.”
“Good deduction. But there’s a lot more you don’t know.”
I told him all of it, then sat back. “Okay, that’s your cue. Say it.”
“What?”
“‘I told you so.’”
“I would if I had told you everything I knew. Javen, I owe you an apology. A lot of this is my fault.”
This was the last thing I expected him to say. “You put Ursemin up to this?”
“No, not my fault in that way, though I’m not as surprised as you apparently were. I did, er, try to warn you.”
“Yeah, you did. It’s freaking me out that you’re not rubbing my nose in it.”
“Nice to know you think so highly of me.” I made a rude noise and ignored this nonsense. “It’s my fault because I never told you the truth about nulls. Or rather, what I know about them, which may or may not be the truth.”
“I’m going to need a stronger drink if you keep talking like that.” I took a long swallow of my beer. “Well? Are they pathological liars or something?”
“No. Actually, very little is known about them because they’re so rare, and the Nihan don’t practice psychiatric medicine in the way that the Kelon do. The need to classify people so precisely isn’t part of our system.”
“Get on with it, Shardul. Not in the mood for another chuma-bashing session.”
He made a little hiss of irritation. “I’m not bashing anyone. Nulls have a reputation—and that’s all it is—for being somewhat morally...defective.”
“Sociopaths?”
“As I said, we don’t classify the way you do. I’m only telling you what the reputation is, and of course there may be a good deal of exaggeration. But throughout our literature, there are warnings to beware of them, for they lie charmingly, and have no conscience.”
Was that Tushar’s real nature? “If that goodness was all an act, then I was well and truly suckered.”
He shrugged. “How much was real, how much for the sake of publicity, I can’t tell, and we won’t ever know. The talent was real enough.”
“Yes, it was. And you have to admit the sex appeal was real too.” Shardul smiled a little in agreem
ent. “I thought him being a null was great. No more Kirins. No more freaked out lovers. But I hadn’t realised how much I depend on it now. I’ve lost the knack of reading people without it. He could have been faking it from the beginning, for all I know.”
“For what it’s worth, I don’t think he was. But I feared he would always put career first, and he did.”
I shrugged, and drank some beer. “I should have had more sense than to ignore the risk of that, and what you were saying.”
“If I’d been a true friend, I’d have warned you more strongly. I didn’t...because I was afraid I would lose your friendship.”
I set my drink down and stared at him. “You treat me like shit all the time. Why would I drop you as a friend over something like that?”
“I do not treat you like ‘shit’, and keep your voice down. Detailing your faults for your own improvement is one thing. Standing in the way of an intimate relationship is another.”
“You tried.”
“I warned as best I dared, but not as firmly as I could have. Should have. So I blame myself.”
I finished my beer and signalled to the waitress to bring another round. “I’d have told you where to get off.”
“Yes. But I didn’t tell you that I investigated Ursemin and discovered he’d had another client who’d been stalked some years ago. He lied to both of us from the start, but by the time I knew all this, you had decided I was trying to keep you and Tushar apart. Which I was. I asked my aunt if she’d speak to you but she felt it was best to wait to see how things developed. As it happened, events overtook us, and I, for one, am glad to see the back of the two of them. You deserve better.”
The anger I sensed surprised me. Shardul was outraged on my behalf. Never experienced that before. “I’ve been thinking. The fact I’m an investigator wasn’t as important as who my father is, was it?”
He shook his head. “Likely not, though that doesn’t mean Tushar didn’t develop real affection for you. Ursemin had to have tipped off the press that night you stayed over. I don’t blame him for making the most of whatever he could legitimately use, but I do blame him for targeting you and exploiting you. He took the things that make you precious to us—your loyalty, your bravery, your devotion to justice—and turned them against you. For that, I will never forgive him.”
Different Senses Page 38
