by Cate Nolan
In that moment when Hailey had turned to her, she'd been struck by a longing so fierce, so overwhelming. She'd thought she'd long ago come to grips with the reality of not being able to have children, but this one impish child had turned that realization on its head.
Allowing Hailey into her heart had messed with her carefully planned life, and now she didn't know what to do about it.
“Look, Willa.”
Willa turned to see Hailey trotting towards the first jump. She held the horse's head, and they both looked straight ahead as she urged Beauty on. They easily cleared the log. Hailey's smile was bright enough to light an entire Christmas village as she headed toward the mini-fence. By the time she jumped the row of hedges, she was practically floating above the ground. She rode up next to Willa. “Did you see? I did it. I jumped. I can ride just like my mother did.”
Once again the result was not what Willa had planned. Memories of Susan did not belong in her safe place. But Susan was Hailey's mother and she couldn't expect one without the other. How had she ever allowed this to happen?
“Aren't you proud of me, Willa?”
Just like that, Hailey snapped her out of it. She was proud of the child. And nothing about the mother should take away from the child's accomplishment.
“I am so proud of you pumpkin. I can't wait to tell your dad how great you did today. But you know what I'm even more proud of than the jumps?”
“What?”
“I'm proud of how wonderful you are with the horses. You show that you really understand them and that matters more to me than all the jumps in the world.”
Hailey beamed down at her from her perch on the horse and Willa knew a soul-deep satisfaction that more than atoned for any disappointments in her life.
*
“Daddy, Daddy.” Hailey burst out of the barn as David pulled into the parking lot for the second time that day. Panic set in at her screams, and he quickly shut off the ignition and jumped from the car.
Hailey came running toward him and leapt into his arms. “I had the greatest day. Willa let me do jumps, and then the older girls in the class showed me some new ways of making my horse behave, and now Willa has invited us to help decorate for the Christmas Ride. Oh, this is just the best day ever. Please say we can stay.”
David swung her around to keep from answering immediately. This was a far cry from what he'd expected to find when he came to pick her up. “Where is Willa?”
“Right behind you.”
Willa's voice wrapped itself around him and he braced himself before turning to see her smiling up at him.
“I guess Hailey told you all about her terrific day.”
He smiled and tousled his daughter's ponytail. “Sure did. Sounds like you two were busy.”
Hailey tugged at his jacket. “Daddy, Willa is going to decorate for the Christmas Ride tonight. She said we could stay and help. Can we, Daddy, please?”
David looked up to Willa, a question in his eyes. She'd been avoiding him for a week and now he was invited to stay?
Willa smiled tentatively. “We could use an extra set of muscles to help with the heavy work.”
“Oh,” he teased back. “Is that what I am to you, Mr. Muscles?”
Willa blushed. He'd actually made her blush and it gave his teenaged heart a spark.
She recovered herself and let her gaze rake him head to toe. Now he was the one blushing and she was laughing. Whatever had gotten into her?
“Have you ladies been sampling the egg nog?”
Willa and Hailey looked at each other and burst into giggles.
David couldn't help but join. Their laughter was contagious. “What's so funny?”
Willa looked at Hailey and lifted a finger to her lips in a warning. Ssshhh. “It's a secret.”
Hailey nodded. “A Christmas secret. They're the best kind.”
David grinned at the pair. Hailey was absolutely bubbling with joy and again he couldn't help but think of the amazing change from a month ago. She still had her moments, but Willa had worked magic.
“So what exactly is this Christmas Ride?” David locked the car and walked with them back toward the barn. “And does it involve me getting on a horse?”
Hailey's eyes widened and she looked over at Willa who shook her head and lifted a finger to her lips.
“The Christmas Ride is a charity fundraiser. The parents and grandparents sponsor the children to ride laps around the barn or do the Christmas Steeplechase. The money goes to help fund lessons for children who can't afford them. The rest goes to the village for whatever they need. It's for charity, but it's also a great opportunity for the community to get together and have fun as we get ready for Christmas.”
“Sounds great. What can I do to help?”
Did he imagine her hesitation? She wouldn't turn him down, would she? Not after promising Hailey.
Willa kicked at the dirt in the parking lot, and he had the sense she regretted the invitation to help. Too bad. She'd been avoiding him too much lately. He wasn't letting her off over this.
“Well, Billy could use a hand getting the sawhorses set up out in the paddock. We have volunteers coming in stages all night to help get things in order.”
He laughed. Foiled again. He guessed she wasn't going to be working with him.
“What can I do, Willa?” Hailey asked.
“Hmm. I have a bag of bows and ribbons that we use for the horses. Do you think you could help me sort through them and see which ones are still pretty enough to use?”
“Can I pick a special one for Wildfire?”
Willa nodded. “I think as long as it doesn't have bells on it to spook him, it should be okay.”
David watched Willa walk off with his daughter and tried not to feel the pang of loss. He needed to focus instead on how Willa had made his every dream for Hailey come true. Seeing the transformation in his daughter in just the past few weeks was amazing. Even if he never had a chance to make things right with Willa, he'd be grateful for the help with Hailey.
As he set about carrying sawhorses, he tried not to let his thoughts focus on Willa, but he couldn't really help himself. He'd caught what his subconscious was thinking. When had a future with Willa reentered his mind?
He'd thought that part of his life had died when he married Susan. Was it really possible he could have a second chance?
A chance to get it right?
The possibilities were still floating through his mind when he reclaimed his tired princess from Willa and took her home. By the time he'd tucked her in bed he knew what he wanted to do. A quick call to his mother arranged for her to come babysit Hailey. Within half an hour, he was back in the car headed to the farm.
Willa was alone, sitting on a bale of hay when he walked through the barn door and he took just a minute to drink in the sight of her. Ten years?
How had he gone ten years without her in his life?
Chapter Seven
Willa had heard the car pull up outside. Had someone forgotten something? Maybe a villager had come to help out? But it was late. She couldn't imagine who would come unannounced.
“Hello again, Willa.”
In her heart she'd known, feared it was him. She didn't look up.
“When we left earlier I got the feeling you could use more help.”
She did look up then - straight into his beloved face. She shook her head. “Thanks, but I was really about to wrap things up here.”
He eyed the pile of evergreens beside her and gestured to the side of the barn that was missing the festive swags.
“Really?” He stepped closer. She wanted to back away, wanted to run and hide. “Are you so afraid of being alone with me, Willa, that you'd turn down the help?”
“Why should I be afraid?”
He stared at her a long time. She could almost see the wheels turning as he debated how to respond.
“Because once upon a time we meant something to each other.”
The release of emotion insid
e threatened to engulf her. Tears stung at her eyes. She couldn't do this. Not again. What she really needed was for David to stop being a reminder of all she had lost. Seeing him with Hailey prompted so many memories, so many thoughts of if only. If only she hadn't ridden that day. If only she 'd understood about Susan earlier. If only she'd never given her heart to David in the first place.
Yes, that was the big one. She'd taken back all the broken pieces, but she hadn't realized - until the moment he walked back into her life - that he'd kept one. The part of her heart where the deepest love abided had always been his. It was the emptiness she'd tried to fill with the horses, with the life she'd built here. She'd been content with her life until he returned.
Willa swallowed hard. Now all she could think of was the gaping hole where once love and hope had resided.
She straightened to her full height and pulled down a mask of disinterest.
“That was a long time ago, David. Whatever we meant to each other has long since vanished. I'm the trainer who works with your daughter. Nothing more.”
He didn't respond. He simply picked up some evergreen swags and marched down the row of stalls. “Where do you want these?”
“Didn't you hear me?”
He looked over his shoulder at her and held her gaze for thirty long seconds. “I heard you. I also see you need help.” He shrugged. “I'm here. Let's do this.”
“I don't want your help.”
“You've never liked asking for help, Willa. You always wanted to do it on your own. But I'm insisting this time. Consider it repayment for all your help with Hailey.”
“You're paying me an exorbitant fee for that.”
He grinned at her. “Consider this a Christmas bonus.”
She gave up. He wasn't going to leave, and fighting him was only prolonging the time it would take to finish. She picked up a handful of ribbons and began wrapping them around the wooden posts.
They worked in silence for a time, only the sounds of the horses in their stalls keeping the tension from being unbearable. Before long, all the stalls had been decorated with boughs of evergreens, and bright ribbons adorned all the posts. White fairy lights cast a soft glow over the whole barn as Willa made the final adjustment on two giant wreaths that hung from the main barn doors.
“No mistletoe?”
David startled her, but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of acknowledging it. She just made a face. “No need for it here. There's no one to do any kissing.”
David puckered his lips. “I'm available.”
“Not interested.” She swatted at his shoulder and walked past him into the tack room. “You might as well go home now. Everything's under control here.”
He followed her into the small room. “Under control is an interesting choice of words, Willa.”
She turned, and stepped back finding herself suddenly too close to him.
“What are you talking about?”
“This. Us. You're keeping it tightly under control. The whole time we've been working together, you made sure our fingers never once came close to touching. You kept enough of a distance as if I carried something contagious.”
“We were decorating a barn, David. Not going on a date.” She wanted to slap herself for saying that.
“Would you go on a date with me, Willa? Because all this avoidance makes me wonder. Are you really as indifferent to me as you want me to think?”
Fear gutted her. No. She couldn't let him do this. She couldn't let him get close again. “I don't know what you're talking about, David.”
“Yes you do. You're as tense as the greenest colt. You're ready to turn and run if I come within a foot of you.”
“You've got a pretty inflated view of your own importance, David. I'm just excited to be decorating for Christmas.”
“Excited?” He laughed. “If I didn't know you better, I'd have thought we were decorating for a funeral just now. Where's the girl who loved Christmas even more than Hailey does?”
He paused and when he spoke again, his voice had dropped to a low rumble. “Where is she, Willa? Where's the fun lady who giggles with my daughter? Where's the fiery equestrian?”
Pain and confusion prevented her from answering. Her mouth opened and shut several times as she sought the words, but there just weren't any.
David didn't seem to be having that problem. He kept pressing until she wanted to scream at him to leave her alone.
The final whispered question broke her. “Where's the beautiful lady who stole my heart? Where's my Willa?”
“Stop it, David.”
“Stop what?”
He was right up close to her now and sorrow crossed with anger that he was making her relive this. “Stop pretending that we're just two adults bonding over a child. Stop pretending that we don't have a history.”
He reached down and stroked her cheek, brushed a strand of hair that had come loose from her braid. “I'm not pretending at all, Willa. Of course we have a history. That's what I'm banking on, making Christmas wishes on. I'm hoping that maybe you're as happy to see me again as I am to see you. Praying that maybe you've missed me these ten years as much as I've missed you.”
She whirled away, looking frantically for some place to run, some way to get away from him, but there was no way to get away from the feelings that swirled through her.
She bent over, hands resting on her denim clad legs as she fought for breath and composure. When she was sure she could face him, she turned and marched back across the barn.
“Don't do this.” She tried to make her voice firm. “We had a past. We have no future. I agreed - against my best instincts - to give riding lessons to your daughter. I never agreed to let you back into my life.”
When he looked like he might argue, she raised her hand in a gesture to stop his words. “No. David, you don't get to question that.”
She took a deep breath and stared him straight in the eyes. “We seem to be remembering different histories. I'm remembering the one where you chose Susan.”
The pain of uttering that truth nearly drove her to her knees, but she stood tall and held his gaze. “You chose her over me. You can't go back and change that.”
Once the words were uttered, courage deserted her. As if all the stuffing was pulled from her like a rag doll, she turned and stumbled away.
*
David wasn't ready to let her go. He ran after her, catching her just before she reached the big barn door.
“No I can't change it, and I've borne the guilt of that choice for a long time. But I didn't make the choice alone.”
Willa gasped. “Are you going to blame a dead woman? That's cheap, David.”
“Not as cheap as you suggesting I would.” He glared at her. “I'm not blaming Susan. I’m blaming you, Willa.”
Her eyes widened in disbelief, but he rushed on. “I've carried one hundred percent of the blame all these years because I thought it was the right thing to do. Now I'm not so sure.”
“What does that mean?”
David held her gaze. “Are you sure you want me to answer that?
She clearly wasn’t, but she nodded anyway.
“You share in the blame, Willa.” He waited a beat before speaking, but then the words came out in a rush. “Don't look so surprised. After the accident you shut me out completely. I came by that hospital every day. I was like some stupid faithful dog waiting by your bedside until you woke up. I knew the name of every nurse on every shift.
I never left your side for three weeks unless the doctors were with you.”
He swallowed a breath and kept on. “Until the morning you woke up. I went to get coffee while the nurses checked you. When I got back, I was banned from your room.
I waited in the hallway for days until your mother begged me to stop making a scene. I wouldn't have left even then, but she said I was delaying your progress, preventing you from healing.”
David swiped at his eyes with his shirtsleeve. “To this day, more than ten years
later, I still have no idea why you wouldn't see me. All these years I've put up with people looking down on me. When we got married, we had to leave town because Susan was so uncomfortable. We didn't want to raise a child in a town where she'd be judged even before she was born.”
“Yet you came back.”
That was her answer? David wanted to kick something. “I came back so Hailey could be with her grandmother. After Susan died, she had no family where we were.”
“There are babysitters. Daycare.”
David's jaw dropped. “What happened to you, Willa? What made you so bitter? I don't even recognize the person saying these things.”
She stared at him in a way that made him wonder if he'd sprouted horns.
“You really don't know what happened, do you?”
Now it was his turn to be confused. “That's what I'm trying to tell you. I don't know. Why wouldn't you see me? What happened to us, Willa?”
“David, I wasn't injured in an accident. Susan deliberately caused my injury. She cut my stirrup.”
David shook his head in disbelief. “No, she wouldn't—
Willa interrupted. “Yes, she would and she did. Susan, the woman you chose over me, is the reason I could never compete again.” Her voice cracked, but she kept on. He needed to know. “She's the reason I could never have a family of my own.”
Chapter Eight
“Willa wait.”
She paused in her flight toward the door. “I'm done David. I don't have anything more to say.”
“I'm sorry.”
She turned back to face him, her hand behind her resting on the barn door latch.
In that moment he was struck by how very sad and lonely she appeared. How totally defeated.
A profound sense of loss swamped him. He still loved her. So very much. “I'm sorry, Willa. I didn't know.”
She nodded and dropped her head. Her shoulders slumped in fatigue.
Still, he pressed on because he sensed it was important. That there was something more. “I understand the pain about Susan, the anger you feel. But why me? Why did you turn on me?”
Willa spoke so softly, he had to strain to hear. “I saw you with her.” She cleared her throat and spoke a little louder. “You were spending more and more time with her. You went to Prom with her.”
