by M Sawyer
“I didn’t mean for you to fall,” Melissa said, her voice thin and raspy. “You attacked me.”
Alexa ignored her.
“What?” Nolin said, turning to Alexa. “Attacked?”
“She’s lying,” Alexa said simply, arms crossed.
Nolin looked from Alexa to Melissa, and suddenly realized how similar they looked. Similar builds, the same pointy nose and chin, same narrow face that Nolin herself also possessed. The middles of their eyebrows creased in exactly the same way when they glared.
“How am I supposed to trust either of you?” Nolin demanded. “I can’t believe a damn thing either of you say!”
“She’s lying,” Alexa said again. “She’s been lying to you your whole life.”
“You posed as a librarian for twenty years,” Nolin shot back.
Alexa shrugged.
“You attacked me, and you slipped,” Melissa said to Alexa. Her knees buckled, but she held herself steady. Her hairline was dark with sweat, and her forehead began to shine. She coughed again, holding the side of her fist against her mouth. When she dropped her hand back to her side, Nolin saw drops of blood flecked over her skin.
Alexa shook her head. “None of this matters,” she said. “The only important thing is what Nolin thinks.”
“I think this is insane,” said Nolin.
“I know, I know,” Alexa cooed. She turned to Nolin and reached to touch her face. Nolin jerked away. “I know this is confusing,” Alexa continued, slightly hurt. She held her hands out in front of her as if she was unsure what to do with them. She was like an actress trying to play a mother, but who had never actually experienced a real mother’s warmth before. “You don’t belong with her, Nolin. You never did. She never wanted you.” She looked at Melissa. “Deny it,” she said to her. “I dare you.”
Melissa stayed silent. Another tear fell into the dirt.
“She even tried to leave you here,” Alexa said. “Did she tell you that? You were just a baby.”
Nolin shook her head, not looking at either of them.
“She bundled you up and brought you to the edge of the woods,” Alexa said almost gleefully. “I watched the whole thing. She came in just far enough so that no one could hear you cry, and she left you. I think she left you for me, or she left you to die. I can’t be sure.” She grinned wickedly, triumphantly, at Melissa. “I would have cared for you. It wasn’t ideal because it wasn’t your choice, but I never would have left you there. I’m not like her.”
Nolin felt dead inside. The aching in her stomach ceased, and it was like she had no stomach at all. She felt weightless. Hours ago, her limbs had been heavy with exhaustion. Now she felt nothing, not the breeze on her face, not the ground beneath her feet. She heard nothing, saw nothing. Her glazed eyes saw only a blur of color, darkening in the fading light.
In the middle of that dark blur was a shock of white. Melissa in her hospital gown, standing still. Watching her.
“I’m sorry,” Melissa whispered, her voice barely carrying over the breeze. Nolin allowed her vision to focus. Melissa’s eyes glimmered with tears. Her mouth bunched up into a tiny slash of crimson on her flushed face.
Nolin opened her mouth to speak, then thought better of it. She didn’t want to hear any more.
Alexa moved closer to Nolin. “I know you’ll do the right thing,” Alexa whispered in her ear. Even her breath was like a cold wind. “You never forgot who you are.”
There was a strangled cry, and Nolin looked over at Melissa. She’d fallen to the ground and lain on her side in the fetal position. Nolin wasn’t sure if she’d fallen with emotion or if weakness had finally taken over. Nolin hated everything about her in that moment, from her stringy blond hair to the knobby spine showing through the crack of the gown like a string of beads. Dark fury rose in Nolin’s heart, and she felt a strange, twisted satisfaction. Melissa, the woman whose love she’d sought all her life and failed to receive, was lying in the dirt, a perfect picture of how Nolin had felt every time Melissa insisted that she not call her “mom,” how she felt each time she’d gotten suspended from school, knowing she’d added to the torments of her poor, sick mother.
It had always been about Melissa.
Stop crying, Nolin said sharply. The voice didn’t sound like hers. It was lower, terrible, and seemed to issue through the trees themselves. Melissa flinched. She looked at Nolin with wild, terrified eyes.
“Nolin...” Melissa said weakly.
“Shut up!” Nolin barked. She stepped toward Melissa, who scrambled into a sitting position and tried to stand. She fell back down, her pathetic legs unable to hold her, and scrambled backward like a crab. “I’m finished with you,” Nolin growled. “All my life, I tried to be the best daughter I could because I thought it was my fault you were so miserable. I blamed myself, always.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Melissa squeaked.
“Yeah? That’s not the message I got. Everything I did was wrong. You couldn’t stand the sight of me, don’t deny it,” she hissed when Melissa started to protest. “You were a terrible mother. You never wanted a child, especially not one like me. You made sure I knew what a burden I was, you sniveling, awful excuse for a human being.” Spittle flew from Nolin’s mouth. Her temples ached. Her face twisted with rage. Melissa scurried backward, dragging her leg. Nolin drew closer, wanting more than anything to step on Melissa like a bug.
“I wasted my life running after your approval. I almost became as crazy as you. And all this time, you were the imposter, not me. You were the dangerous one that couldn’t be trusted. You tried to abandon me!” Nolin shrieked these last words. Melissa flinched.
“I’m sorry,” Melissa sobbed. “I’m so, so sorry. It was never you. It was always me that I hated, not you.”
Nolin’s jaw stiffened so hard it ached. “I want you to go,” she said, her voice low and dangerous. “I never, ever want to see you again.”
“I’m sorry,” Melissa said again. “I love you.”
Nolin felt like she’d been stabbed. Never, ever in her memory had her mother said those words.
“You love me?” Nolin hissed. “You love me?”
Terror ripped across Melissa face. She struggled to scramble to her feet, shuffling away. Alexa laughed.
“You had years to tell me you loved me!” Nolin screamed. “Do you really think I’m going to believe that now? Do you? Well I hate you. You made my life hell, and I hate you for it.” Melissa cowered at the venom in her voice, eyes wide with terror.
Nolin had never wanted to hit someone so badly, just to give Melissa a tiny dose of the pain she’d put Nolin through. She flexed her twitching fist. Electricity rippled down her arm. She felt Alexa’s eyes on her; she was probably thinking the same thing—do it.
Nolin looked her mother in the eye. Melissa’s limp hair was ratted across her face. Between the dirty strands, her eyes were wide, ringed with deep shadows; terror was written on her skin.
Melissa reached the edge of the trees. She backed into a tree, her hands grasping at its narrow trunk behind her.
“Nolin, I’m sorry...” she stammered. “I’m so sorry.”
Nolin’s fingernails dug into her palm. Melissa looked pitiful and tiny, curled up like a terrified animal.
She hadn’t been loved either, Nolin realized. Her childhood had been just as cold and lonely as Nolin’s.
No, it wasn’t right.
Nolin loosened her fist.
“How did I get back?” she demanded. Melissa looked confused. “After you left me there,” Nolin spat. “How did I get back?”
“I...I brought you back,” Melissa said weakly. “I didn’t even make it back to the house. You weren’t there for five minutes before I went back for you.”
Nolin glowered.
“I know that doesn’t make it all right,” Melissa said quickly. “Believe me, I’ve never regretted anything more. And you were different after that day. You clung to me. You never wanted to leave my side. I never h
ated myself more than I did after that.”
“You still left her there in the first place,” came Alexa’s voice. “The damage was done.”
Nolin looked at Melissa and said nothing. She saw her for what she was—a confused, scared woman who couldn’t handle the responsibility of a daughter who reminded her of everything she hated about herself. She was sick. Weak. She just couldn’t be the mother Nolin had needed. It wasn’t in her.
She’d never actually hated Nolin. Nolin was just a mirror, a reminder of what Melissa truly was, a constant echo of the shadow who’d haunted her since disappearing into the woods.
Nolin’s jaw softened. Her entire body ached. She was so tired. No longer numb, she now felt ready to collapse.
“Go,” she croaked to Melissa. “Just...just go.” She pointed into the trees.
Melissa gulped. “I...you can’t stay here.” She seemed to steel herself, leaning against the tree as she clambered to her feet. “She’s dangerous.”
“I don’t care,” Nolin muttered. “I can’t try to be human anymore. This is where I need to stay. With the goblins.”
“No, Nolin, you don’t understand!” Melissa said, louder. Panic rang in her voice. “There are no other goblins. They’re gone.”
Nolin sighed, exasperated. “And where are they?” she asked.
Melissa opened her mouth to respond, but Alexa spoke first.
“Dead,” she said flatly. “I killed them.”
“I...what?” Nolin said. “You killed them?”
She faced Alexa, who stood with her feet planted, challenging. “I had to,” she said pointedly. Her mouth was a thin line, her eyes hard. “They were monsters. They were just going to steal more children, ruin more lives, just like they ruined ours. I couldn’t let that happen.”
“I felt it in a dream,” Melissa said. “It happened right here! She took a rock and bashed their heads in, all of them!”
Nolin’s stomach somersaulted. Alexa’s face was hard, not a ripple of regret or emotion at all. “I had no choice,” she said plainly.
“She tried to kill me too, Nolin,” Melissa pleaded. “She tried to throw me down that ravine first. I fought her off, and she slipped. She grabbed me around the neck from behind.”
“Liar!” Alexa shrieked.
Nolin looked at Alexa. “The goblins are gone?”
Alexa nodded. “They’re gone. It will just be you and me, Nolin. That’s how it should have always been. Just us, in these woods together, mother and daughter.”
A gust of wind whipped through the treetops. Nolin stumbled as the ground lurched under her feet. The inhaling, whooshing noise filled her ears again, and the forest seemed to sigh.
“What’s going on?” she said, struggling to keep her balance.
“The woods want you back,” Alexa said. “These aren’t just trees and rocks and plants. These woods are alive. They know you. They’re a part of both of us, Nolin.” She rushed forward and took Nolin’s face in her white hands.
“Listen to me,” she said. “You belong here, and you’ve always known it. You’ll never fit in with the humans. There’s nothing for you there. Stay with me, and you will never be an outcast again. You will never, ever feel unloved. I promise, I’ll make it all up to you. You’ll forget your suffering and become part of the woods. You’ll be exactly where you belong.”
It sounded like going to bed after a long, long day. What would that kind of love feel like? How would it be to belong, to be exactly where she was supposed to be for once instead of feeling like an imposter, hated and feared though she wanted so badly to be loved?
What about Drew?
His face rose in her mind. Nolin thought about watching the sun rise over the hills in the mornings, how he stayed with her when she didn’t want to be alone. Could she belong with him?
Alexa looked into her eyes. Nolin could see her own reflection in the shiny black irises.
“I need to try something,” Nolin said. Alexa watched Nolin purposely stride to the Claw Tree and crawled into the hollow beneath. The leaves rustled as she found the thin branch, pinched her eyes shut, and closed her hand around it.
A rainbow of Drew’s thoughts and emotions shot through her, images flying through her mind like rapidly flipping channels. Her heart started to pound. She didn’t know what she was doing, but she watched.
A few moments later, she felt him. Something in her heart twanged. She focused on it, letting the flashing images slow until she could focus on just one.
He was in her backyard. Through Drew’s eyes, she looked out at the trees. He gripped something in his hand, a piece of paper. She couldn’t see what it was. His anxiety tore through her. Panic rippled down his limbs. She felt helpless. It hurt to sit in those feelings, even though they belonged to someone else. She settled into them, felt into their depths. Beneath them, she found something more.
A quiet warmth stole over her and tinged the edges of her vision with gold. This feeling pulsed down in her chest, and she realized his fear, panic, and anger that pulsed in her sprang from that warmth.
Nolin’s face broke into a smile.
She released the vine. The vision faded, but the warmth stayed.
She could belong with humans. She did belong.
Drew, Rebecca, even Melissa in her own screwed-up way—they all loved her. The human world was full of books, art, stories, caring and generosity. She’d never known how to access it before, but it was there, and she could have it.
She had to leave. Now.
She scrambled out from under the tree and ran across the clearing to her mother.
“We’re leaving,” she said to Melissa.
Melissa started to smile, then her face contorted with fear.
Something slammed into Nolin from the side, knocking her to the ground. Alexa fell on top of Nolin and held her down. Then, Nolin felt an icy hand close around her throat.
Chapter 47
NOLIN GASPED FOR air, groping at Alexa’s hand. Her grip was like a steel vice.
“Stay,” Alexa said, her lips bunched, choking back a sob. “I love you. Please.” Her face was stark white. Her bloodshot eyes swam with tears that splattered onto Nolin’s forehead.
Nolin writhed, struggling for air. Yellow flashes danced across her vision, and the edges of Alexa’s face went black and fuzzy.
Something flew out of the darkness and pulled Alexa off, wrestling her to the ground. Nolin sucked in a deep, gasping breath that burned her lungs. Her throat was on fire.
Her vision slowly came into focus. Melissa and Alexa locked together on the ground with their hands around each other’s throats. Veins and muscle in their arms pulled tight as bowstrings. The back of Melissa’s gown had almost come undone. Every bone and muscle in her wasted back stretched and heaved.
Nolin’s head swam. She scrambled to her feet. Alexa immediately sprang back up to sprint toward Nolin, her eyes burning like coals. Then Melissa launched herself around Alexa’s legs. Alexa flew forward and landed hard. She rolled beneath Melissa’s grip and seized a handful of hair. Melissa howled and with a swift jerk, Alexa slammed Melissa’s head on the hard earth. Melissa rolled over, dazed. Alexa’s hand fumbled over the dirt until it closed on the odd rock Nolin had noticed before.
Now, she realized the rock wasn’t discolored; it was stained with old blood.
Nolin’s vision sharpened. Though her head throbbed, she threw herself at Alexa. Melissa groaned and lifted her head.
“Go!” Nolin gasped as she tried to wrench the rock out of Alexa’s hand.
Alexa’s other fist swung at Nolin’s face. Without thinking, Nolin blocked with her arm and drove a knee into Alexa’s stomach. Alexa doubled over, gasping for breath. Her grip on the rock loosened and Nolin pried it from her fingers before throwing it as hard as she could. She heard a “plunk” where it landed. Coughing and bent over, Alexa charged into Nolin’s middle, knocking them both to the ground.
Nolin’s body moved on its own, some long-forgotten imp
ulse surging through her muscles. She couldn’t let Alexa pin her. Her elbow flew into Alexa’s face. She snatched a handful of tangled hair and yanked, kicking at whatever she could reach, her free hand clawing at Alexa’s face. Alexa shrieked and rolled off her, her face crisscrossed with deep scratches and covered in blood.
Nolin rushed to her feet, panting. Alexa lay dazed, with glassy eyes to the sky,
Then she chuckled.
“There’s my little goblin,” she spat, locking eyes with Nolin. A crazed smile spread over her face, strings of blood dripping from her teeth. “I knew you still had it in you.”
Nolin’s insides curled with disgust. Before she could respond, Alexa lunged forward with unreal speed and knocked Nolin’s legs out from under her.
Nolin slammed into the ground, and Alexa was on top of her again, hand at her throat. Nolin kicked furiously, scratched at Alexa’s hand. She felt hot liquid running down her neck, either her blood or Alexa’s.
“You don’t know what’s best for you, sweetheart,” Alexa gurgled. Blood and saliva rained on Nolin’s face, and she pinched her eyes shut. “I do, though. Mommy knows what’s best.”
Nolin heard a thump and a white-hot ribbon of pain trailed from her temple. She felt like her skull was opening along the seam. Her vision went white. She coughed and spat as her mouth filled with her own blood.
“I should have done this years ago,” Alexa growled. Nolin braced herself. Then Alexa’s weight lifted. Melissa screamed, and leaves rustled as something dragged across the ground.
Nolin shot to her feet, her vision swimming into clarity. She staggered forward and tripped over something hard. Another rock. Alexa must have hidden them everywhere, always at arm’s reach.
When Nolin’s vision came into focus, she saw that Alexa had her arm wrapped around Melissa’s neck and was dragging her toward the tree. Melissa’s feet pawed uselessly at the ground. They reached the tree, and Alexa started to climb, pulling herself up with her free arm and hauling Melissa with her.
