“Are you busy Saturday night?”
“Probably.”
I stuttered at his bluntness, but tried to swallow the embarrassment. “Oh. Well, it’s Willow’s going away party. I was sort of hoping you would come with me.”
“No.”
“No?” I asked, but Rhodes just grabbed his water bottle and took off in the opposite direction. I followed. “Why not?”
“Because I might have plans.”
“Might? You won’t make plans with me, your…” I trailed off. What was I to him? “You won’t make plans with me because you might have plans?”
“Damnit, Natalie.” Rhodes huffed, looking around at who might be listening. We were the only ones in the training room, so I dared him to try to make that excuse. “I’m not going to your friend’s party. Or on any dates, for that matter.”
I wouldn’t exactly have classified Willow’s party as a date, but hearing him say that derailed my thoughts. “Why not?”
“Because you’re my client.”
“That’s it?” I asked, my voice breaking. I could feel my heart close on its heels. “We’re back to this again?”
He didn’t answer, and his silence fueled my anger.
“Really. Huh. Well, I guess you just decided to toss in your extra services free of charge then, right? So gracious!” I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth, but my pride wouldn’t let me take them back.
Rhodes stopped mid-stride. He was walking away from me, but my comment had cut that motive short. For a moment, he just stared at me, his eyes hollow, and almost questioning. It was like he couldn’t believe I’d said that to him, like he wasn’t prepared for that hit — not from me. I thought I saw him wince, his mouth opening slightly before he closed it again.
Then, he smirked — but not in a friendly way. Rhodes smiled in a way that made me want to cower in the furthest corner of the room.
“Yeah, Natalie, I guess so.” He shook his head. “You’re welcome. I hope I lived up to my reputation.”
I sighed. “Rhodes,” I started, feeling like a fool, but my apology was cut short. One of the women who’d been with the pack earlier sidled up beside Rhodes. His eyes had intensified to almost a neon green and they remained fixed on me as he threw his arm around her shoulder.
“Ew,” the small blonde said, swatting at him playfully. She was the shortest of the group I’d seen earlier, but by far the prettiest. “You’re all sweaty.” She laughed a little before appraising me, her smile faltering just slightly. “Who’s this?”
“This is Natalie. She’s a client.” He said the words so harshly, as if they were the nails to drive his point home. His eyes were wild. They mirrored my heartrate. “And we just finished up. See you tomorrow?” He asked me the question, but we both knew he didn’t expect a response.
“Rhodes,” I blurted out, boldly reaching for his arm. He shrugged out from beneath my touch as if it offended him. “It’s me. Please. Don’t do this.”
The woman under his arm looked bored, and she pulled out her cell phone to type out a text. I thought I saw Rhodes falter, I thought I saw him soften, but he frowned so quickly that I couldn’t be sure if I’d imagined it.
“Do what?” His jaw tensed.
I moved closer, whispering so only he could hear me. “Don’t leave with her. Please, Rhodes. This isn’t you. You can’t do this. Not after everything we’ve done… everything we’ve become.”
His nose flared and his eyes wouldn’t meet mine. He waited. For what, I wasn’t sure. Clearly, nothing I could say would stop him now. He had given me the final push, throwing me to the cold hard ground, and even though it killed me, I didn’t try to get back up again.
I could let him walk away from me, but I couldn’t bear to watch this time.
So I turned first.
My feet numbly carried me through the club and to my car. I started the engine, put the gear in drive, and the rest was a blur. My mind raced, thoughts blending together in a colorful disaster as I drove. Rhodes was going home with that woman tonight, and I felt physically ill at that realization. Even worse, I’d pushed him there. I knew he was upset, I knew those women had said something to him, but instead of giving him space or trying carefully to help him when he pulled away, I threw his way of life in his face. I brought up his services, making fun of him, letting him think I saw him the same way everyone else did.
Now I felt sick for a completely different reason.
Eventually, I found myself at the park he’d taken me just a few days before. I pulled out my camera and took pictures without studying the frame. As the soft shutter button sounded over and over again, I wondered if Rhodes would have been different had his sister not disappeared. I snapped the swings, their empty seats blowing in the wind of the impending storm, and I imagined a younger Rhodes there. I asked myself if he would have looked peaceful, if he would have smiled, if he would have laughed — all questions I had no answer to.
I sat on the same picnic bench he’d kissed me on just a few nights before. I could still feel his lips on mine, hear his words in my ear as he told me I didn’t deserve the shit he gave me. But the strange thing was, I wanted that pain. I wanted to help him when he felt low, push him up to solid ground, carry him when he couldn’t carry himself. But he didn’t want me.
Even after everything, he would lay with another woman that night, and what killed me most was that I knew he was better than that.
The first echo of thunder rumbled the playground around me and filtered through my core, twisting in to fill the gaps between my guilt and anger. It shook me so hard I dropped my camera, the strap around my neck the only thing saving it from shattering.
If only I’d had a safety strap, too.
Sleep didn’t come that night. I was restless, tossing and turning, twisting in the sheets and huffing out in frustration when my mind still wouldn’t shut off. When dawn finally broke, I pretended to be asleep long enough for Mom to wake me up to have breakfast with her. She and Dale were leaving in just a few hours for another business trip, and Mom wanted to make me pancakes — even though they weren’t on my meal plan and Christina was already there and could have cooked, instead.
I didn’t fight her on it.
Once they left, the silence of our large house surrounded me, but I found it strangely comforting. I expected to feel more broken than I did. Was I just numb? Maybe. Or maybe I knew this would happen all along. Had I ever really thought I’d be able to keep Rhodes?
My training appointment came and went with me still lying in bed. I didn’t bother to call or text Rhodes and let him know I wasn’t coming and he didn’t reach out to me, either.
I did somehow manage to find enough motivation to call Willow, who then drove over as fast as she could. She greeted me with ice cream, but I asked her to go for a run with me, instead. And though Willow was tiny and fit, I kept up with her pace, and when she wanted to quit, I still had steam left. It was the first time I realized I was stronger.
Maybe in more ways than one.
Willow stayed the night, but left early the next morning to get ready for the party. I still felt strange that morning, but not as numb as the day before. In a way, I was ready. I was ready to celebrate my best friend’s accomplishments. I was ready to say goodbye to her, at least for the rest of the summer. And I was ready to face Mason and the rest of Poxton Beach. Because as much as Rhodes had wounded me, he had strengthened me just the same.
I knew eventually, I would have to face him again. I’d have to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t have him, not the way I wanted, and I wasn’t sure if there would even be a friendship between us at all again. Maybe he would go back to just being my trainer. Maybe he’d pass me off to someone else. I couldn’t be sure, but I decided to try not to dwell on it.
For one night, I was going to just be an eighteen-year-old girl.
I was going to have fun.
Moses drove me to Willow’s around nine o’clock. I planned on drinkin
g, a lot, and Moses was happy to be my safe ride. He probably didn’t realize he’d also be my confidant, too.
“I’m nervous, Mo.”
He smiled, glancing at me quickly before facing the road again. “Why is that, Miss Natalie?”
I fidgeted with the black and white pleather fabric of my skirt. It was a sort of snakeskin pattern, high-waisted, and I’d paired it with an equally slimming black, scoop-neck tank top. My newly toned legs and arms were on display, my jewelry was loud and blingy, my hair was falling in soft waves over my shoulders. I was wearing an outfit that demanded attention, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to handle it.
“Remember when you picked me up from The Crawl earlier this summer and I was a complete mess? Well, I’m facing the people who made me that way tonight, and I thought I was ready, but every mile you drive makes my stomach hurt worse.”
Moses chuckled, but didn’t say anything. I didn’t expect him to. That was part of Moses’ appeal — he listened. So, I kept talking. By the time we pulled up to Willow’s house where the party seemed to already be in full swing, I had not only confided my fears about the night, but also all of my worries tied to Rhodes. I didn’t know if Moses would judge me, but if he did, he didn’t show any indication of it. He put the Rover in park and set his hands lightly in his lap.
“You’ll be okay, Miss Natalie. You’re not as timid as you think you are. I can see a confident, stronger version of yourself waiting to emerge. You just have to let her out.” He winked. “Text me when you’re ready?”
I smiled, nodding, and placed my hand on the door handle. Hesitating, I quickly wrapped Moses in a tight hug and thanked him. Even though he hadn’t said much, it had been exactly what I needed. In a way, I knew he was right — I did feel a stronger me just below the surface. I only hoped I could finally bring her up for air.
Moses squeezed me in return and gave me a reassuring smile when I pulled back. Blowing out a long breath, I ignored the nerves and opened my door.
No one was outside, but I could hear the music spilling out onto the driveway. Willow loved to celebrate, and I knew she would go all out for her last party in Poxton Beach.
Surprisingly, I didn’t fall flat on my face walking up her cobblestone drive to the door. I was wearing high heels — not wedges, not kitten heels — but high, red pumps. They were the only pop of color in my entire outfit other than the red lipstick I’d let Willow convince me to pair with them. When I reached the door, I placed my right hand on the handle and felt the music and laughter vibrating through it. Taking one last deep breath, I relaxed my shoulders, swallowed, and gently pushed it open.
It wasn’t like a movie — not everyone stopped what they were doing to turn and look my way. In fact, nothing stopped as I walked in. Cliques were spread throughout the house, and I smiled at a few people I recognized as I wandered around looking for Willow. It was in her large living room that I noticed the effect I had on people apparently came once I had already passed. I heard a quiet whisper ringing out, and when I glanced over my shoulder, several heads snapped in the opposite direction. They were staring at me.
Oh God, I wasn’t ready.
“Natalie?” Dustin was the first to approach me. His eyes that reminded me so much of Mason’s were almost as wide as his mouth. “Wow. You look—”
“Amazing? Incredible? Sexy as hell?” Willow had popped out from the kitchen and was bellowing toward me, her voice much louder than I preferred, calling even more attention to us. “All of thee above?”
She pulled me in for a tight hug when she reached me and I squeezed her in return, trying to ignore the eyes I had from practically every person in the room. When Willow pulled back, she gave me a reassuring wink and I smiled in return.
“Pretty much all of that,” Dustin said, chuckling.
“Thank you,” I murmured. I tucked a strand of my curled hair behind my ear and cleared my throat, looking to Willow as if she would have the answer for what I needed to do next in this situation.
“Let’s get my best friend a drink.”
“Let’s.”
There were still a lot of eyes on our backs as we retreated to the kitchen, but the noise of the party gradually increased until it was back to normal. I downed the first fruity drink Willow mixed up for me, which just made her laugh and mix a new one along with a straight shot of the rum she’d used to make it. She poured one for herself, too, and we clinked our shot glasses together before throwing them back. My limbs warmed and I smiled.
“Do you feel weird?” Willow asked, sipping from her own bright pink solo cup. Of course she couldn’t go with regular red ones at her going away party. Pink wasn’t really her favorite color, but she did love all things girly. Plus, the cups matched her outfit — bright pink shorts that showed off her long dark legs paired with a crisp white crop top. She was the brightest thing in the house. In my opinion, she was the brightest thing no matter where she was.
“I should be asking you the same thing.”
She shrugged. “I don’t feel it yet. I mean, I know I’m leaving on Monday, but I guess I just know I’ll be back on weekends sometimes and for holidays. It just feels like a temporary goodbye, nothing serious.”
“At least it’s an excuse to throw a party, right?”
Willow pointed at me. “Exactly.” Giggling, she laced her arm through mine and dragged me out to her back patio area where they’d just lit her fire pit.
The energy Willow exuded was infectious. She was so bubbly and confident, and I soaked it up like a sponge. We were laughing loudly, making jokes, dancing and playing drinking games I’d only ever watched from the sidelines before. Mason and Shay showed up about a half hour after I did, but I barely noticed them. I was too busy letting loose to care if they were there.
They, however, definitely seemed to notice me.
After finally losing a game of flip cup after a three game winning streak, Willow and I stumbled into the kitchen to grab some water. We wanted to last all night, so it was time to rehydrate a little. We were sipping from our cups, still laughing, when Shay and her friend from the fair walked in.
I tensed immediately.
“Interesting outfit choice, Natalie,” she mocked. “For a girl of your size, I mean.” Her friend, who I remembered to be named Tawnya, placed a hand on her hip and giggled. I was waiting for them to high five themselves for their awesomeness. How was I ever afraid of these two? How did these self-centered bullies ever intimidate me?
“Bitch, I will cut—”
I held up my hand, stopping Willow’s sentence. She eyed them manically before turning to me with a more questioning stare. I just smiled and shook my head.
“Oh, are you actually going to try to defend that hideous skirt? This ought to be good.” Shay nudged Tawnya, flipping her long brown locks over her shoulder.
I flinched at her insult, fingering the hem of my skirt, but the insecurity only lasted for a moment. The more I watched her lips curl, the stronger my urge to kick her in the face became. Since I wasn’t sure I’d still be standing if I tried to balance my weight on one of the heels I was wearing, I chose to use my words carefully instead of my foot.
“You know what, Shay? This is my town. These are my friends, this is my best friend’s party, and you’re only here because you took the sloppy seconds of my ex-boyfriend and thought that made you one of us. Well guess what? It doesn’t.” I could feel the same quietness that surrounded me when I first entered the party creeping up again. Everyone was watching us. “I’m still trying to figure out where Mason’s lapse in judgement came from when he decided it’d be a good idea to date you, but since you have to be here until he wises up and realizes he can do better, maybe you could stop obsessing over how I look and what I wear and worry about your own damn self?”
Shay’s mouth popped open and Tawnya’s followed. Adrenaline was coursing through my veins at the speed of a freight train. Inside I was shaking, but I didn’t let it show.
“Come on, Willow.�
� I laced my arm through hers and strutted toward the back door. “We have a game to win. Oh, and since I know you’re watching,” I added, throwing one last glance over my shoulder at Shay’s white face. “How’s my ass look, Shay?”
The kitchen and living room both broke out into a mixture of laughter and oooh’s. Willow was cracking up and I bit against my urge to do the same. When we finally made it outside, I let it out.
“Oh my God! I cannot believe that just happened. I fucking love you.” Willow wrapped me in a crushing hug before turning to the party that was outside. “My best friend is the sexiest bitch alive!” Everyone laughed and a few of the guys whistled. I only blushed in return.
I didn’t see Shay or Mason at all in the next hour. They either left or stayed inside, either option worked for me. It felt good to stand up for myself, even if I did have to stoop to her level to do so, but after the adrenaline crashed, I made my way up to Willow’s bedroom to gather myself. I thought I’d escaped alone, but Willow tailed me, closing the door softly behind us and falling down to sit on the bed with me.
“I’m fine, Lo,” I said with a sigh. “Go back to the party.”
“Listen, as much as I want to believe that, especially with your little show in the kitchen, I know there’s something bothering you.” She winked when she mentioned my showdown with Shay, but her smile fell quickly. “You’re thinking about Rhodes, aren’t you?”
I chewed my lip and nodded, just the mention of his name making my stomach drop. The adrenaline rush had practically sobered me, which just let all the thoughts consumed with him crash in all at once.
“I just… I almost wish none of it had ever happened, Lo. I wish I would have stopped prying. If I could have just left him alone, let him train me and then gone home and forgot about him until the next session, maybe none of this would have ever happened. He’s either going to treat me like I’m just a client again or he’s going to make it where he never has to see me. Either option kills me.”
And it did. My stomach may have dropped at the sound of his name, but it twisted and ached at the thought of completely losing him. I was angry with him, I was hurt, I was confused, but I still yearned for him. I had no idea how to handle what was happening.
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