by Diana Wagman
I searched down deep inside Madame Gold. There were swirling memories, things that didn’t make much sense to me. I saw the Fairy Canopy beautiful and lush. Smelled the fresh, rich dirt the trolls love so much. I saw a cluster of the luminescent Luxaeterna Duo mushrooms glowing red and green in the swamp and I felt the strength and power they gave her. I also saw a crib in some kind of hospital and parents, human parents, looking into the crib and crying, but I couldn’t see the baby. I saw children taunting and teasing and pointing at something on the ground, but I couldn’t see what. I saw a TV screen and the clock above it spinning hour after hour through show after show. It was all part of her, but I didn’t know why. I saw that Madame Gold’s worst fear was that her secret would be revealed. I couldn’t see the secret; she kept it hidden even from herself. It had something to do with the mushrooms. She was afraid there wouldn’t be enough and she wouldn’t be able to grow more. I saw her screaming at the troll scientists to try again to make a synthetic version of the luminescent mushrooms. It didn’t matter. I focused on her fear. I made her believe I knew her secret and that I could expose it. I would show everyone. Everyone would see it.
And, yes, I made her tremble. Luisa stopped in her tracks. I felt Madame Gold go sick with dread. The deeper I went, the more frightened she became, and strangely the more I empathized. Her sickness became mine. Her fear became my fear. She was afraid I would reveal her secret and she would be alone forever. I knew how it felt to be lonely, to feel as if you don’t belong. She was absolutely terrified that she would have to live her life without a companion, a lover, or a friend. She had no friends. That was the picture of her night after night at home alone in front of the TV watching the hours tick by. I’d been lonely, but I had never felt Madame Gold’s utter desolation and despair. Why? Why didn’t she have anybody in her life?
I couldn’t bother with the why. Not yet. Not until Luisa and my father and all of us were free. Instead I showed Madame Gold pictures of Luisa working for her, but not liking her and talking to the other soldiers behind her back. I showed Luisa not having dinner with her and not inviting her to parties. I didn’t know what Madame Gold expected from a friend, so I thought about the things I wanted. I had always wanted a friend who would go to the mall with me to hang out and then spend the night at my house and dance on my bed to bad music and be unembarrassed and silly. Luisa had never done those things with me, but she would definitely never do them with Madame Gold. I didn’t need to put thoughts in anybody’s mind—that was just the truth. Luisa was not going to be Madame Gold’s BFF. At least I had college ahead of me. There I would meet fellow oddballs, animal lovers, like-minded people who wanted to be my friends. I was sure of it. Where could Madame Gold go to make friends? A supernatural Queen convention?
Madame Gold groaned, a ghastly, grating sound. Again her form faltered and her face and hands became translucent, only her dress hid whatever was underneath. Luisa shook her head and came out of her trance. Walker put his arm around her and pulled her back next to my mom. Still breathing, I could see it. My mom was still breathing.
I wiped the tears from my eyes. Going down into that loneliness, that dark, that cold, was devastating. I had to think of something else. Enoki was lying on the floor in a puddle of blood. Luisa had hit her hard. A tin plate was not a plastic Frisbee. Enoki was smaller and paler than a troll should ever be.
Madame Gold stamped her foot, shook me out of her head, relieved that I had ultimately not revealed her secret. She grinned at me wickedly—understanding that I still didn’t know what her secret was. “Trevor,” she said out loud and in her mind as well. “Your sister needs you.”
I had seen Trevor bend the bars on his window and escape. I hoped he was very far away.
“Come to me.” Madame Gold smiled at me as she said it. “Trevor. Come immediately. Enoki is almost gone.”
Trevor bounded into the room moving so quickly he was a blur. He fell on his knees beside his crumpled sister. “Enoki,” he said. He looked up with his hands and his knees covered in blood. “Who did this?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “Just take her to the hospital or wherever trolls go.”
He seemed to notice I was there for the first time. Then he saw Walker, and Luisa, and my mother lying in the corner. His face was angry when he turned to Madame Gold. “You did this.”
“Hardly. It was your—” She stumbled over the word. “Half-breed girlfriend.”
“Go, Trevor.” I pleaded with him. “She needs a doctor.”
Trevor picked Enoki up in his arms.
Madame Gold shrugged. “Just leave her. No one can save her. She’s practically dead already. Trevor, really, don’t bother, it’s her own dumb fault.”
Silence. We were all stunned.
Madame Gold waved her arms as if trying to wave her atrocious words away. “I mean.” She smiled grotesquely at Trevor, a beautiful woman made ugly by her desperation. “I mean there is nothing you can do for poor Enoki. She fought hard. I’m sad too. Of course I am, Trevor. Darling. It’s too late for her, but if October gets away, everything we want, everything we’ve worked for will disappear.” She almost begged him. “Trevor. Don’t you want to be King?”
Trevor hung his head over his prone sister. I knew Madame Gold would never really have Trevor. And she knew it too. That was an easy picture to put in her mind. He would do what he had to do to be King, but there was no love in him or even friendship for Madame Gold. The warehouse faded away again and I created the troll palace, and Madame Gold sitting all alone at the head of a long and lavishly appointed table. It was set for two, but she was the only one sitting there. Alone, alone. Madame Gold knew it and it was like a knife in her heart, the terrible realization that this was her future. She groaned again and her gauzy dress shimmered and I thought I saw a child underneath. Then the gossamer dress was back and I had to have imagined it. It was painful to create this much hurt, and exhausting and I could feel my strength slipping away, dripping out of my fingers. I couldn’t conjure up flames anymore. I wondered how Madame Gold kept her illusions going for so long, how many mushrooms she had to eat and how frequently.
“Fine. Good.” Madame Gold pulled herself together. “Where is that Luisa?” She strode across the floor. “Come to me. Right now.”
Obediently, Luisa stood. No, I thought. And then I remembered Jed. Where was he? Where had he been? Jed, I called to him with my mind. Hurry. I saw him sleeping somewhere nearby, lying on the cracked cement roadway, under the tire of a truck. He opened his eyes groggily. Madame Gold had put him to sleep. His human mind was a piece of cake to manipulate. That meant it was easy for me too. Wake up! Luisa needs you!
Madame Gold crooked her finger at Luisa. “On second thought, Luisa. Stay where you are and destroy October’s mother. That’s a good thing for you to do. It shouldn’t take much. Make sure there’s nothing she can do but die.”
Walker jumped in front of Luisa and with seemingly super-fairy strength she tossed him out of her way. Her powers, diminished when she was in the human world, had come back with a vengeance.
“Stop, Luisa!” I thought it as hard as I could. “Run away. Don’t do this. Run, run.”
Luisa stood over my mother. Walker tried again and again she threw him across the room. But she was conflicted. I could feel her uncertainty. She heard Madame Gold and then me, back and forth. She was pulled in both directions.
“Luisa! Run!” It was Jed. She looked up and over at him. He didn’t have any special powers except the power of love. He loved her and she heard him. She came out of her trance.
“Run!” I said to both of them. Madame Gold was too strong and I couldn’t keep her away from them for long.
Luisa ran, but instead of out of the building, she ran to the far wall. Madame Gold could still stop her. What was she doing?
“Babe. This way,” Jed said.
Go out! I hollered in my mind. Then I saw her pick up Green in her arms. She was rescuing him. Oh! I felt my heart
expand; she was a good, kind person. She really was.
But carrying Green was slowing her down.
Madame Gold tried to step in her path. Jed barreled into her and knocked her aside. He and Luisa, with Green, ran out the door and out of sight. Madame Gold spun in a circle and came up none the worse. Jed’s attack didn’t seem to have hurt her. How strong was she?
Trevor began to carry his sister out the door.
“Stay with me!”
Enoki flopped in his arms as if all her muscles and even her bones had turned to mush.
“It’s too late, Darling.” Madame Gold used her most soothing voice. “Stay with me.”
“Save her,” I said.
“Now’s the time,” Walker said. “Go.”
Madame Gold roared. “Put her down. You will stay by my side!”
The effort was costing Trevor a lot. His nose began to bleed as he stood with his sister in his arms. His feet wanted to walk away, but his mind kept him leaning toward Madame Gold. Her hold on him was intense. But there was love again. The real love Trevor felt for his sister. I didn’t like her, but he loved her.
I sent the love into his mind, the memories of growing up together.
“Do not even think of leaving me.”
Trevor looked once at Madame Gold. And I had just enough strength left to make him see her in the worst possible way. Her red hair stuck out in all directions. Her hands with the long sharp fingernails looked like claws. He took one halting step away.
“No!” The witch wailed.
“Yes!” Walker said.
And I kept thinking, go. Go. Go.
Slowly, as if he was walking through cement, Trevor headed for the door. Madame Gold ran over and walked beside him. She called him darling and cupcake and sweetheart and precious. She reminded him how fun it would be for them to rule together. He was strong, but it was hard, awful, wrenching both physically and psychically for him to leave her. Finally, he did. He walked out the door and once outside I felt his mind and his heart open.
I slumped. I knew I didn’t have much more fight in me.
Madame Gold shook herself all over and she grew even taller. She just got stronger. I wondered if she had another vial of mushrooms in that crazy dress of hers.
“If you want something done,” she said, “you have to do it yourself.” She strode over to my mother. “Reverend! Get ready.” She pointed her finger at my mom and closed her eyes and Mom began to moan. Bruises appeared on her skin and cuts opened up down both her arms.
I ran between them, but I was too late. Mom was too weak. She gave a final, rattling gasp, and then was still. “No!” I screamed. “No!”
Walker hurried to me, but even his touch didn’t help. I fell to the ground.
“You promised,” I said to Madame Gold through my tears. “You promised.”
“So did you.”
“When you’re Queen everybody will hate you.”
Madame Gold growled at me in frustration. “If that’s what it takes.”
“My mother could have helped you grow those mushrooms you like so much.”
“I see you like them too.”
“She could have helped you.”
“I have hundreds of trolls to do my bidding. I needed your mother to die.” She turned to the waiting Reverend who was hiding behind a stack of empty trays. I could see he was terrified. “Neal?” Madame Gold snapped her fingers and called my father over to her like a dog.
“Remember,” Walker said to me. “Everything she does and says is an illusion.”
Madame Gold turned her creepy smile on Walker. “Not everything. Not everything. I really did destroy your trees. The Fairy Canopy is gone.”
Walker cried out as if he’d been punched. “But we made a deal.”
“Are you that naive? Or just that stupid?” Madame Gold laughed. “I told you, deliver her to me and your people can go free. I didn’t say anything about the trees. I had to find those mushrooms and I did it the easiest, quickest way possible. The only deal I remember is October in exchange for your beloved fairies.”
I spun to look at him.
“Oh yes,” Madame Gold said. “Walker gave you up.”
I tried to search his mind, but it was a jumble of images and regrets and anger and oddly human emotions. He did love me, but he had betrayed me to save his kind. He had some idea that he could save me at the end. It all made a dreadful kind of sense. He loved the fairy world so much. He loved being a fairy. He loved all the fairies. Way more than he loved me. Of course he would sacrifice me to save all of his family and friends and the fairy world. Sacrifice the one for the good of the many. I really had been such a fool.
“And here she is,” Madame Gold said. “Thank you.” She smiled. “Now your precious fairies will go free. Once she’s dead, I mean.”
“Just send her back,” Walker said. “Make her stay in the human world.”
“You know that won’t work.” She turned to me. “It’s true I can’t kill you. You’re strong and I probably can’t even hurt you as badly as I hurt your mother. So I’m just going to offer you something to drink. Something delicious. It’s completely up to you, but I think you’ll find it irresistible.” She took a small vial out of one of her huge sleeves. It had a liquid inside that glowed like the mushrooms, but purple. She unscrewed the cap and stepped toward me, holding it out.
“October,” Walker said. “It’s poison. Poison to fairies.”
“You can’t make me drink it,” I said to Madame Gold. “That’s the same as killing me.”
“I don’t have to make you do anything,” she said. “You’re going to want this. It’s the best. It’s all I can do not to drink it myself.”
She was right. It smelled incredible. So, so good, better than the alcohol in the troll club, better than Chinese food, better than birthday cake, better than anything. One sip would make me immortal—that’s the thought that came into my mind. One sip would change my life.
“Wait.” Walker stood in front of me. I tried to push him out of the way. He wouldn’t budge. “No. No.” He implored Madame Gold. “You said you’d keep her in The Pits. You didn’t say anything about killing her.” He turned to me. “October, stop. It’s not good. It’s poison. You can’t drink it.”
“It’s immortality,” I said. “It’s the answer to everything.” Finally, I thought, I won’t be worried or afraid or feel stupid or inadequate. Finally, I’ll be perfect.
“It’s a trick,” Walker said.
Madame Gold held the vial out to me. She blew its scent in my direction. I was crazy to get my hands on that vial. Walker grabbed me, held me. I fought him.
“You!” I said. “You betrayed me. You don’t love me. I hate you. I hate you.”
Madame Gold laughed. Pictures flew through my mind of me falling down at school, of Jacob making fun of me, of walking alone through the hallways and home after school day after day after day. I spent night after night on the couch in front of the TV. Those were my days and my nights going by all alone. My cell phone never rang. I heard about Saturday night parties on Monday morning when everybody was talking about the crazy things that had happened. But that drink she held in her hand would make me beautiful and popular and take all the pain away.
“October Fetterhoff,” Madame Gold said to me, “your power is useless. Without this drink, you are useless.”
“Don’t listen to her,” Walker said. “Be strong. Don’t listen!”
Madame Gold laughed her horrible screeching laugh. It ran down my throat and burned in my stomach. “He betrayed you,” she whispered, but I heard her clearly. And I saw the pictures she was sending, of Walker in the park with the crows, of Walker studying me in that odd way he had, of Walker giving Madame Gold that little bow, of Walker and Oberon laughing as I disappeared into the tunnel by myself.
Madame Gold continued, “Every step along the way, he let you down. He wasn’t there, was he? Every time you needed him, he disappeared. He was always working for me.”
“October! That’s not true. What I said in the car—all of it—I meant it.”
But I couldn’t even look at him.
Madame Gold sighed. “He doesn’t love you. Frankly, October, who could? You are so ordinary in every way.”
I was frantic to get to that vial. With my mind I pushed over a stack of trays and they crashed and broke on the hard cement floor. The light bulbs hanging from the ceiling flashed on and off, on and off, until finally they shattered. I had power. I did.
She laughed again. “That’s not ability, that’s a party trick. We all wondered what you would be like. Child of a troll princess and a fairy prince. Such powerful stock. Such potential. We expected great things from you.” She gestured at the mess I’d made, the pool of blood left by Enoki and then at my mother’s body. My mother. “Turns out you’re nothing special.”
I wanted the roof to cave in on her. I wanted her to fly into the air and come smashing down. But first I wanted that drink and she wasn’t going to give it to me. She was going to keep it for herself. Because I wasn’t good enough to have it. Walker’s arms tightened around me as I began to cry. Despair fell like a curtain.
“Shut up,” he said to Madame Gold. “Stop.”
She just kept speaking in my head. Walker couldn’t hear her and for that I thanked her. I didn’t want him to hear the truth about me. She went on and on until it was practically a chant: “You’re not very good in school. You’re not very pretty. You’ve never had a boyfriend. And you know why? Because you’re so ordinary. Completely dull. Dull as dishwater.”
I hunched against her words. Her truth seeped into me, through the defenses I had put up, through the pretending that I was a princess, that I had power, that I wanted only the best for everyone. The things I had accomplished, the memories of happy moments rushed away like over a waterfall. I could not think of one good thing about me.
“October,” Walker said into my ear. “Please don’t listen to her.”
He had never really liked me. He wasn’t really a bad guy; he was just doing whatever was necessary to save his world. The fairies would probably give him a medal for making this deal. I was just part of a scheme to achieve his goal. Of course. I was so damn ordinary. The more Madame Gold’s words dripped into my head, the more I became convinced she was right. I was less than average, less than everyday, not even humdrum or commonplace. I was nothing. Nothing. Ordinary October had become October Nothing. I couldn’t have the drink she offered. I wasn’t even good enough for poison.
