“Why did Rachel quit?”
His fingers dug into the muscles in the back of his neck. They’d be husband and wife soon. Didn’t he owe her the truth? He stared at the wood grain on the underside of the hatch. “I wanted to marry her—” The words strangled in his throat. He still wanted to marry Rachel.
“When you hinted there might be someone else, I thought it was hypothetical.” Her voice drifted off, wistful.
“Nate has to come first.” The words tasted like sawdust in his mouth.
“Did you love me?”
Shame lodged the answer in his throat, and he cleared it. “Maybe, but I think I was half in love with what you stood for—old money, your niche in society, things I’d been hungry for since Gilford Prep.” His eyes locked on the porthole over Gabs’ head.
“Ouch.”
“I’m not proud of it. I had a lot of hard knocks growing up shut out of the club.”
“You’re bitter.”
“Not anymore.”
“I understand being shut out as an unmarried pregnant woman. Anger that composts into your bones. Some things are universal.”
Silence stretched out in the cabin for so long he thought Gabs had fallen asleep.
She propped her head up on her elbow. “I thought—I thought we could make it work because you loved me…. Does Rachel love you?”
He didn’t want to answer. “We were just getting to that when you walked up the dock.”
“Make an educated guess.”
“Probably.”
Gabs fell back on her pillow. “Well, I’m glad we had this conversation before we got married.”
“I’m just trying to be honest here.”
He rolled over to face the hull as if he could relax after they’d stirred everything up. Doing the right thing wasn’t difficult. It was impossible.
God, help me out here.
He sat up.
Eyes open wide, Gabs’ stared at the underside of the deck.
Jake propped his elbows on his knees. “Look, the bottom line is that my father died when I was eight, and I’m going to be there for my son. If that means marrying you, I’ll do it.”
Gabs rolled her face toward him. “It seems crazy for us to get married when we’re both in love with other people.”
A sandpiper of hope beat its wings in his chest. But he sucked in a breath and made himself say, “I’m willing to marry you under those conditions.”
“There’s a chance Ian might love me.”
The sandpiper in his chest morphed into a seagull.
“We spent all our spare time together. He even kissed me once.” Her eyes drifted shut as if she watched the film in her head. “But when I told him I was taking Nathan to Florida to meet his father, he closed down. He didn’t even say good-bye.” Her last words were so soft Jake barely heard them.
“You didn’t tell him we’re getting married?”
“Kind of pointless after he blew me off.”
“You need to tell him.”
God, is it wrong to want this guy to come through? “What’s the real reason you put my ring back on your finger?”
“Since we had sex, maybe we’re already married in the eyes of God.”
Are we? He kept asking God for help, and God kept sliding another fifty-pound weight onto the bar.
“I’ve said a thousand Our Fathers, but I still don’t know if this is the best thing for Nathan.” Gabs pushed herself up and dangled her legs over the bunk. “I guess if I had my first choice, I’d give Ian a chance to say he doesn’t want me to marry you. However this plays out, I want you to be part of Nathan’s life.” She raked her hands through her hair and it fell in a gossamer tussle around her face, reminding Jake of why he fell for her the first time.
“What about you?” Gabs said.
“I’d marry Rachel, if she could accept and love Nate.”
“If she said no?”
“I was certainly attracted to you before, and yeah, I’ve felt a spark or two since you arrived. But I don’t think I’d marry you with Rachel tattooed to my cells. When you kissed me the other day, I felt—not what I used to feel.”
“Yeah, same here.” Gabs leaned toward him into the space between the two bunks. “What if—what if we hammered out custody—”
“I’m willing to sell the Queen and move to Arizona.”
She flung out a hand. “No, the Queen has been your dream since you were a kid.”
“I didn’t realize it at the time, but I put my dream, and a lot of other things, on the line when I chose to sleep with you.”
Gabs dismissed the idea with a shake of her head. “Eight months with my mother convinced me we do better on opposite sides of the country.” Her voice went up at the end with a quiver of excitement.
“What do you think about aiming for fifty-fifty custody I could keep Nate from Friday afternoon through Monday morning.”
Gabs curled on her side facing him. “Jake, I just don’t know.”
Rachel stood on the cement pier at Marina Jack’s in Sarasota and stretched the kinks out after a three-hour drive across Florida and a two-hour interview on the Key Breeze.
She glanced back at the forty-one foot Morgan Classic where it bounced in its slip. She could do the job—first mate with the probability of moving to captain once she passed the Coast Guard Captain’s exam and completed another five hundred twenty-two sailing days. Moving away from home was a step in her arrested development she was ready to take. Only an idiot would risk random Winn Dixie encounters with Jake and Gabrielle in New Smyrna Beach.
Sailing felt like something she was created to do. Even though the prospect of sailing without Jake felt like a future with the heart carved out—she’d heal eventually. Maybe college wasn’t a mountain she had to climb—an ought she could finally cross off her list. She breathed in the familiar, salty air and let it go, ready to meet her future.
She slipped into her car, rolled down the windows to release the sun-baked air.
This week felt like the longest week of her life. On the opposite coast of Florida, Jake would be docking the Queen about now. Her chest ached.
Had Gabrielle already taken her place as first mate? Would they get married this week? She backed out of the parking space and popped the clutch. A picture of Gabrielle climbing into Jake’s bunk careened at her.
The car lurched to a halt in the middle of the parking lot.
Jake’s charm bracelet clinked against the gearshift.
Jake sat in the cockpit and scrubbed his face with his hands. He hadn’t slept all night—tossing between Gabs saying I do in front of a judge and Rachel sliding into his sleeping bag wearing nothing but Gram’s wedding rings.
Invisible and inaudible, God sat against the transom at the foot of his bunk, waiting to see what Jake would decide.
Gabs, on the other hand, had slept soundly till he brought her a hungry Nate around three a.m.
He eyed Gabs as she nursed Nate. “So, what do you think?”
Now—after the ring went back on her finger—she draped a blanket over her shoulder and the baby. “When I floated the possibility of marrying you to Ian six months ago, he told me I would be doing it for penance.”
“Do you have to decimate my ego to get this thing done?”
Her eyes lifted. “If Jesus really did take my punishment on the cross, maybe I don’t have to marry you.”
Relief swam through him. Then, the jaws of conscience clamped down. This was the logical conclusion to the discussion they started last night, but was it the right decision?
She slid the ring off and pinched it between two fingers, holding it out to him over Nathan, her eyes begging him to tell her whether she was doing the right thing.
Chapter 34
Gabs glanced over Jake’s shoulder down the dock. Her breath sucked in and she popped up to her feet.
Jake twisted around to see a man in jeans and a pullover sweater walk confidently up the finger pier. Jake looked back at Gabs.
> Her cheeks had pinked. Jake’s ring still clamped between her fingers, partially extended toward him.
He tugged the ring free and pocketed it as the guy strode across the gangplank, grinning at Gabs.
“Hi, kid,” he said to her.
Jake took Nathan from her arms, but she hardly noticed.
Gabs stepped into the man's embrace as though she were in a daze.
The man laughed and held her tight.
One arm stayed around Gabrielle, and reached a hand toward Jake. “You must be Jake. Ian.”
Jake met Ian’s eyes over their clasped hands. The lines around the corners of Ian’s eyes—honest eyes, Jake thought—crinkled when he smiled.
“May I?” Ian reached for Nathan. He settled the baby on his shoulder and patted his back for a burp. “Hey big guy, your Mama and Daddy have been feeding you well.” He glanced at Gabs. “He’s gained a good eight ounces.”
Gabs looked at Jake. “Guessing babies’ weights is kind of a game for him.”
Jake studied the man as he played with Nathan. Could he be trusted with his son?
Ian’s gaze found Gabs and softened.
“Gabrielle, I need to talk to you. Go for coffee?” It was more of a statement than a question from Ian.
“Go ahead. Nathan can hang with me,” Jake said.
Ian shot Jake a grateful look and handed Nathan back to him. In the space of the handoff Jake saw Ian’s confidence slip and reboot, exposing the nervousness underneath—liking him for it.
Jake watched them walk down the dock, Gabs chattering like she never had with him, their elbows knocking into each other as they walked.
The baby squirmed against his chest. A smile started somewhere inside and broke through to the surface. He had his answer.
As Rachel merged onto I-4, her phone rattled against the ashtray.
A text from Jake.
Her heart thumped against her breastbone as she grabbed the phone in a clammy hand. She hadn’t expected to hear from Jake again after the night she threw herself at him on the beach. A wooden thumb poked the view button.
Meet me at the Dolphin View Restaurant, 6 p.m.
Rachel huddled on the same picnic bench she and Jake had shared when she interviewed to crew on the Queen. She thrummed her deck shoes against the seawall. What could Jake possibly have to say to her after telling her he was marrying Gabrielle?
Her hands burrowed in the pockets of her navy pea coat.
She checked the time. Six twelve. Had Jake decided not to show?
Wind whipped hair around her face and frothed the river into tiny tongues of fire that night doused as it fell.
The phone buzzed in her pocket, and she froze.
Bret’s name glowed in the window, a neon arrow pointing to the rotting corpse of her shame.
She grabbed hold of the table. The phone vibrated again. She didn’t want to answer, didn’t want to wake up any latent feelings for Bret that might exist. The phone shook in her palm, jiggling her need to know why he was calling. If she didn’t answer, she might never know.
“What do you want, Bret?”
“I filed for divorce this week.”
The familiar texture of his voice flowed over her, waking nothing but regret. Next, she heard the plaintive note. Then, his words slammed into her. No.
She hunched, responsibility for the break-up of his family settling on her shoulders like the lead drape before a dental x-ray. She rocked back and forth. God, I’m so sorry.
“Say something, Rach.”
“If you filed thinking I’d start things up with you, I won’t. Go back to Sheri and your kids. I told you I was in love with Jake. That hasn’t changed.”
“Yeah, you made that pretty clear when I sailed. But you can’t fault me for giving it one last shot. I’m not going back to Sheri. Goodbye, Rachel.”
“Rae—”
She swiveled toward Jake’s voice, something inside breaking through the lead drape weighing her down and rushing out to meet him, though she’d barely moved. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Long enough.” Jake stared at her stone-faced, but something flared in his eyes.
She stood in slow motion, her gaze glued to his. She wanted to take his face in her hands and run her thumbs across the planes of his cheek bones, memorize him by Braille. But she drank him in with her eyes instead.
Jake jerked his chin toward Riverside Drive. “Let’s get out of the wind.”
They walked into Riverside Park, Jake’s fingertips burning a hole through her coat to her back. He led them to the canal seawall nestled from the wind between Brannon Senior Center and the Captain’s Quarters Condominiums.
Scrubby fan palms huddled over them, fluttering in random wisps of air.
Rachel sat on the cold stone of the seawall, dangling her feet over the water.
Jake faced her on the wall, one leg flung over the canal beside hers. His eyes blasted her with his intensity, and she reached a hand behind her to steady herself. She’d never gotten used to his focused attention after that kiss at the hurricane hole.
“This time last year, I thought I was in love with Gabs, but after spending seven and a half months with you, I realized I probably never loved her. She was my get-into-the-country-club-free card. I thought that’s what I wanted.”
Wait. He never loved Gabrielle? But he was marrying the woman. Why was he telling her this now?
“You made me see I never enjoyed Gabs’ world. You’re all about family—yours, mine, the one you’ll create someday. Status never even crosses your radar.” Jake gave a dry laugh. “You cried when I cleaned your car for your birthday.” A smile flitted across his face. “Even if I never see you again after today, you’ve given me something important. I thought I wanted prestige, but you gave me faith.”
She opened her mouth to argue, but he touched his fingers to her lips.
Fissures of response webbed through her body.
He reached for her hand. “I know what you’re going to say, but you’re wrong. It’s because you’ve messed up that I had hope. You showed me God’s involved with regular, screwed-up people.”
The charm bracelet slid out of her sleeve, the tiny man and the sailboat brushing the veins on the back of her hand.
When he saw it, he smiled. “Thanks for showing me what’s important in life.” He squeezed her hand.
How many good-byes did Jake want? The finality of losing Jake and the Queen one-two punched her. Her heart tripped, and she jerked her hand out of his. “I was offered a crewing position in Sarasota today.”
A muscle tightened in Jake’s cheek. “You’re taking it?”
She nodded, making her decision on the spot.
Dark water lapped below her feet.
“I hope that’s up for discussion.”
Her breath stilled in her chest.
“Gabs and I decided not to get married. It didn’t make sense when we both loved other people.”
A balcony light came on across the canal, its halo warming the night.
“We’re going to split custody of Nate, as close to fifty-fifty as possible.” His eyes searched hers. He went up on one knee and reached for the fist she clenched in her lap. “This is the last time I’m asking.” Jake’s hand covered hers, his grip firm.
Her breath rasped in and out.
“I love you. Only. Ever. You. Will you marry me, love me and my son?” Jake’s eyes brimmed with hope, apprehension.
For a moment wonder fluttered inside like the snow she’d seen in Indiana, dusting every part of her as it fell—God melting forgiveness into her. Then, yes tobogganed through the whiteness inside.
“I love you, Jacob Murray. I’ve loved you since you let me cry in your arms after the storm. Yes. Yes. Yes!”
Jake kissed her on the forehead as he lowered himself to the wall, then wrapped her in a bear hug as they sat side by side.
The bracelet tinkled in the night as her hands found their way around him.
He loosened his hold and the condo lights reflected from the unshed tears in his eyes.
She kissed his eyelids, the skin smooth under her mouth.
Their lips found each other, sealing the promise with fire.
Rachel pulled away, breathing hard, head spinning, and Jake settled beside her, thigh to thigh, feet hanging over the water.
He dug in his shirt pocket. “Will you wear Grams’ ring?”
Riverside Drive streetlight glanced off the white gold filigree surrounding the rectangular diamond she’d turned down once. She loved the connection to Jake’s beloved grandparents, the timeless beauty of the ring itself.
“I asked your father’s permission to marry you—that’s why I was late tonight. My having Nate changed things. I couldn’t alienate you from your family. And I didn’t want them resenting me. Your dad was brutal.”
“Daddy?”
“I thought I was screwed till the last minute.” Jake shuddered. “He pointed out that I’d be emotionally and financially responsible for a child for the next twenty years. He asked me if I had the balls to be faithful to his daughter for the rest of my life.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I wish. When I told him God would help me man-up for the job, he accused me of playing the God card.”
Rachel shook her head. “Wow, that’s a side of Daddy I’ve never seen.”
“Well, no guy with a kid ever asked to marry his daughter.” Jake stared at the debris sloshing against the opposite seawall. “He said the only reason he gave me permission was because he’d just had his own refresher course in humility—and not to come crying to him if you turned me down.”
A laugh burst out of Rachel. “He knew I’d say yes.”
Jake shrugged. “No reason for him to go easy on me.”
He slid the ring onto her finger. “I will always love you, Rae.” His lips closed on hers, his taste, smell, texture, foreign and familiar at the same time. Hers.
Jake glanced at the Atlantic beyond the ship’s bell Rachel had given him for Christmas mounted on the main cabin, then at the dinghy floating peacefully behind the Smyrna Queen in the nearly windless May morning. When the wind picked up they should make it to St. Augustine today, then on to Jacksonville tomorrow. The ocean spread out like a lumpy desert, the color of green denim that had been washed a thousand times. The color of home.
Tattered Innocence Page 26
