by DD Prince
“Lucas Arthur Hanson was a recently patched member of the Dominion Brotherhood Motorcycle Club. No one called him Lucas. Some, his parents, coupla girls… called him Luke. To the rest of us, he was Lick. Or Hanson. But, despite only recently getting his patch, he was one of us for over a decade. He was a brother to many men in this room. Looked up to many of you half his life. He was there for me through many rough times the past twelve years. Some of which, he was there without being there, because he couldn’t be. But he was where he was because he was such a good friend. He was around for a whole lot of good times, too. Lick was the reason for a lot of good times.” He stopped and moistened his lips, then continued.
“Lick liked to have a good time. Lick loved his brothers and Lick was an only child, and he was tight with his folks, but he always wanted the big, loud, obnoxious family you get when you’re in an MC. He wanted that his whole life. He had to prove he was ready, so he waited a long time to be brought in as a prospect, but he proved he was committed, and once he got his shot, he took to the brotherhood like a fish who’d finally got put in water where he belonged. He woulda got his patch much earlier, but he had to do a stint with the state until a few years ago when he started prospecting for us.
He was the kind of guy willing to give you the shirt off his back. The kinda guy willin’ to do time for a brother, even. That time he did was a prime example of the kind of brother he was. Many of you in this room get my drift. But…”
He took a breath and smiled a beautiful smile that stole my breath for a second.
“He was also the kinda brother who’d shave your head and draw a unibrow with a Sharpie if you passed out before he decided the party was over. He was always the last to pass out, always. And many in this room have faced the fallout of fallin’ asleep too early.”
Chuckles broke out in the room.
“And you were lucky if it was a Sharpie, because the alternative was his tattoo gun. Brady knows.”
There were louder chuckles through the room and a lot of people looking over their shoulders to Brady, who was laughing, standing against the wall at the back of the jam-packed chapel. My eyes moved from the sea of biker vests, tattoos, and beards back there to the turquoise eyes at the podium.
Rider’s expression went sober again. “He told me, years ago, he’d always known he’d die young. Lick knew it. He just felt it. He wanted to live his life full throttle. And that was what he did. He found his way. And he was taking steps to put down roots, too, though he hadn’t shared that directly with me yet. And knowin’ the man he was, I gotta believe he had his reasons. Anyway… Lick wanted something, he went for it, fuck the consequences. He loved his family, he loved his club, and he loved to ride his motorcycle. We’ll miss you man. You were an amazing artist and I am thrilled to have so much of that art on my skin. I carry it with pride.” Rider looked to the large photo of Luke off to the side. It was a photo of him leaning against the side of the clubhouse, dressed in full biker gear, a big smile on his face.
“And now, I’ve finally got the best hair in the club. Thanks, man.” More chuckles. “Thanks, man. For everything. You know what you’ve been to me. At least I hope you do. Love ya. See you on the flipside.” He stepped down, rapped twice on the coffin with his knuckles, and moved down to our spot the second row back. I thought he’d sit, but instead, he reached for my hand and jerked his chin. He lifted his sunglasses out of his pocket and gave a flick to open them up and put them on his face. I rose and took his hand and he walked, with me, through a room packed to the brim, and out the door.
I followed my aching feet in silence until we got to his motorcycle. I couldn’t read his face with his sunglasses on. His mouth was in a tight line as he buckled my helmet on.
“You good for a long ride? I need it,” he asked. But, it wasn’t a question, because there was no way I could say no.
I gave my head a jerk, a little confused.
“Tap my left elbow if you need me to pull off.”
I blinked and then I nodded.
He put the helmet on for me.
He climbed onto the bike and waited. I stood a second, and then shook myself free of my daze and climbed on behind him and put my one arm around his middle, using my other hand to hold the dress closed (wrap dresses were not recommended for motorcycle riding, FYI). We were off before anyone else came outside.
12
The ride was obviously a ‘clearing of the mind’ ride. We must’ve ridden for an hour or longer, and though it started off feeling heavy, I can honestly say that by the time we stopped at a dead end, I realized it was probably cathartic for me, too. Something about the open road was just, I don’t know, helpful.
Lick was an only child…he wanted the family you get when you’re in an MC.
I’d been thinking about how I’d spent so much time at Ella’s because I wanted to be in a big family. And Ella was an only child until a few years ago; her baby brother was born when we were in high school. So, Ella’s family was the same size as mine. But, it never felt lonely over there. There were always people in and out, always big meals. Always lots of laughter. They invited people without family for Sunday dinners, for family game nights, for Christmas dinner.
If Paul and Karen Murdoch had more than just me, would my house have felt any different than it did? I doubted it.
I always told myself I’d eventually, when I found the right guy, have a big brood, lots of kids so that my kids wouldn’t ever be lonely. Once my parents were gone, it’d be just me. I didn’t have cousins. My mom had a sister, but she didn’t have kids. My dad was an only child. I wanted a big family, so I’d need to make one.
We stopped by a guard rail and I could see that beyond it was a little bit of a clearing. A trail.
He turned the bike off and I got off. He got off.
“Can you do this in those shoes?” he asked, taking the helmet from me and setting it on the seat. “I need to go somewhere that, somewhere…” He didn’t finish. I couldn’t read his face behind his dark glasses, but I didn’t need to. His mouth was in a tight line.
I nodded. I shouldn’t have; my feet had already been killing me.
Ten minutes of walking along behind him on a worn-in trail, I could take no more. I took the shoes off and was walking in stockings. The ground was cold.
He was just ahead of me. He looked over his shoulder.
“Shoes are a bit small for me,” I said, noticeably limping.
“Shit,” he said. “Hop up.” He crouched and crooked his arms.
“Naw…”
“Hop. Up.” he insisted.
So, I did. And Rider piggybacked me.
“Shouldn’t have said you were okay in those, Jenna.”
He was right. Though I didn’t know how long we’d be walking or what the terrain would be like.
“You need this,” I whispered.
He didn’t respond verbally, but his body halted for a second and he was just standing there with me on his back. It was loaded silence. I was wondering how long he was gonna stand there when he started moving forward again.
After a long while, we were in a clearing with a view that was staggering. We were on top of a hill, looking down into a beautiful valley. We were by a fire pit dugout and there were trees and not-very-well-made wooden benches surrounding it. It looked like a place that had seen loads of bush parties.
I saw empty beer bottles, a broken glass pipe, and some condom wrappers. Yep. That’s exactly where we were. But, the view of the valley below was incredible.
He put me down on the grass, took off his biker jacket and put it on the bench and gestured for me to sit.
“I would’ve expected a biker would never give up his leather for some girl to sit on,” I mused.
He smiled and took his sunglasses off. “Depends on who the girl is. She’s his, he’ll give her anything.”
My heart stopped. I looked away.
He sat and patted the jacket beside him, spreading it out so that I wouldn’t sit
on the pocket, which I could see had stuff in it.
My heart managed to start up again. I sat down.
I stared out ahead. Leaves were beginning to turn. In a few weeks, this view would be breathtaking.
“He did your tattoos for you?” I broke the silence after a while. After a long while. But, it wasn’t awkward silence. I could tell that Rider was here because of his friendship with Luke. This place had meaning to that friendship.
“Yeah. All of ‘em.”
“You were close,” I stated.
“We used to party here. We used to hang here when we had to get away. Spent a lotta time up here. Felt like a good place to go after… that. His ashes should be scattered from up here. I’m gonna ask his parents if we can have some of them.”
He reached for the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out two airplane bottles of Jack Daniels.
He passed me one.
I looked at it and then looked at him. He opened his and held it up in a silent toast to the sky.
I quickly opened mine and raised it.
He downed his. I downed mine, first fighting to breathe against, and then relishing, the burn.
I felt more than a bit bad. I hadn’t factored the dead friend into my thoughts the last few days. He’d been carrying that, along with everything else, around the past few days. But, he hadn’t let on. I thought about how Jojo said Rider let stuff roll off his back.
But, despite that, I could see he was affected right now.
“He was talented with the tattoos,” I said.
“He did time for me.”
“Oh?”
“Fucked up. I was eighteen. We were doing a stupid b and e. Just bein’ assholes to this bar owner who pissed us off, ‘cuz he wouldn’t serve us. Shit was whacked. We just wanted to steal a couple bottles. But, we tripped the silent alarm and the security guard who showed got hurt. Shouldn’t have gone so bad. I fucked up. We took off on foot, but he got caught. Never ratted me out even though I was just as guilty as him. They offered him a deal. He was sixteen almost seventeen. They tried him as an adult. They woulda given him a lower sentence. He wouldn’t rat.”
I winced.
“My Dad and Rudy said they wouldn’t let him in the club when he got out. They said he was too much of a liability. He’d wanted it. He fuckin’ needed it. I fessed up about my involvement in that b&e. Dad gave me a kick in the ass and schooled me on not being a stupid ass. Then, when Lick got out, they greeted him with a prospect cut. Most prospects do it a year, two max if they’re gettin’ in. He did it for three before they gave him his patch. He had to finish probation, prove himself. Fuck, but he wanted that patch. Just glad he got it before he died.”
We sat in silence a minute.
“Wish I knew what the fuck he was thinkin’ about my sister, though,” he said.
“He treated her like she was precious. He never... They never... She’s still a… virgin.” My face got hot.
He blew out a breath, his posture loosening.
“I could get kicked out of the sisterhood if you say I said that. So… keep that under your hat.”
He let out another breath, and stared straight ahead.
“He must’ve held back because he cared about her. Cared about all of you,” I added. “You did really well with the eulogy.”
Rider looked at me and then his hand came up and tucked my hair behind my ear.
“You look beautiful today,” he said.
My lips parted. He was giving me some intensity with his eyes.
“You’re showin’ me what you’re made of, too,” he said.
My eyebrows furrowed.
“Pissed at me, but not bein’ a bitch. Bein’ cool to my sister, my family. Not contradicting me around the brothers. Bein’ there for me up at that…that fuckin’ coffin. Tryin’ to keep up and walk through the bush in nylons when your feet are sore because I needed it. Tryin’ to get me to talk about him up here, ‘cuz you think it’ll help me to let some of it out. Dad’s always told us you can tell a lot about a woman by how she deals in the middle of a shit storm.”
My face reddened. I was surprised that he’d paid such close attention. I shrugged, staring at my hands, which were fiddling with the empty airplane bottle. “Just because things are screwy with you and me, I shouldn’t take it out on her. I wouldn’t. Or anyone else. Anyone can see you’re all in pain over what’s happening.”
“Okay. So, when you gonna stop punishing me?” he asked.
My eyes moved up to meet his and they were more than serious. But they were also warm.
“Punishing you?”
“If you’re this good to me when you’re pissed at me, I can only guess how things’d be if you and me were solid. You know I want you. You know I want us. You’re holdin’ me back as hard as you can.”
“Of course I am.”
“Why?”
“I’m protecting myself,” I said in a rare moment of transparency.
“From what?”
“From…” I swallowed. “This isn’t the time to get into this. You’re emotional. You’ve lost a good friend. Another good friend’s girlfriend got killed. People are after you. Your family business and clubhouse burnt down. I should be the last of your concerns.”
“But yet you’re not. You’re not.” His eyes pierced mine. “You’re first.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Yes, you do. For fuck sakes, Jenna.” He glared at me.
I shrank back and closed my eyes.
“I’m just a distraction for you,” I said.
He started at me, incredulously. And then he shook his head. “No. You’re not.”
He grabbed my hand and held it to his thigh, moving his lips to right by my ear. “I want us. Can’t even tell you how fuckin’ good I feel seein’ my name on your back. Havin’ you by my side. I want what I see you’re capable of giving. I take back what I said about you being selfish. You’re not. I was wrong. I’ve seen behind the wall the past few days. A few of us have. What I’ve seen while you’re holding back, can’t wait to see what I’ll get when I get that wall down.”
I chewed on my cheek, thinking, that’s never gonna happen. But, almost wishing that it could happen.
“Except the ‘in bed’ part. You’re selfish there. But I can work with you. Teach you.”
I glared at him.
He smirked.
I rolled my eyes.
He was mourning his friend. It wouldn’t be nice to do this now.
But, it also wouldn’t be fair to either of us to not do it. I needed to put a stop to the madness. It hurt too much, this game he was playing. As much as I was trying to fend him off, I was failing. And I couldn’t put my heart on the line for a guy who acted like this was a game, a joke. He might not be acting like that now, but that’s how he’d been all along.
“You’re allergic to commitment, I’ve heard,” I said.
“That’s what they say.”
“But?”
“But, I wouldn’t say I was allergic to it. Just never met anyone I wanted to try it with. Never liked the drama and bullshit. The takin’ and no givin’ back. Saw it all around me. My parents. My brothers. Buddies. Club members. Drama…fuck…”
“Well, I’m all about the drama.” I folded my arms across my chest. “So…” I was about to say I was a bad pick, but he cut me off.
“Don’t give a fuck. You make me wanna give it a try.”
I stared at him.
He stared at me.
“This is a heavy day,” I said finally. “Not the time to think about this stuff.”
“Having you with me through this has helped. Helps me see that there’s a lot to a relationship. A lot both people can get out of it.”
“Besides shitty sex and monotonous monogamy?” I mumbled.
“Hey. I was an asshole. I’m sorry about that. We were fighting. I fight dirty. And I’ll say again, I didn’t have all the facts.”
I rolled my eyes.
“You fight dirty, too, baby. You’ve slapped me, punched me, tried to bash my brains in with a Maglite, wished me dead… should I go on?”
“Exactly. And you act like it’s all a joke,” I muttered.
“Having you up there when I had to see that coffin, know it was him inside. Broken. So fuckin’ broken it had to be kept shut? Havin’ you helped. Smellin’ your hair, feeling you reach for me? To give me what you knew I needed? Fuck.”
There went that burning feeling in my chest again. But, this was an even deeper burn than I’d had so far. Because the idea of having someone for me, for when I needed them to lean on? That would be huge. But, I didn’t know that I’d ever let myself show that I needed that. To anyone.
I was Jenna Murdoch --- good time girl. I’d have anyone’s back, if they needed me, but I rarely showed the need for that. Other than Ella, and I was sure even Ella would describe me as strong, independent, and not needing anyone or anything, unless it was a partner in crime to have fun with.
But the way he’d had my back a few times so far? What would that be like to have all the time?
“How’s that for a joke? I ain’t playing. Not gonna be like the rest and give up on you,” he stated.
I had to ignore that. I had to ignore that because it felt like my eyes were filled with broken glass all of a sudden. And if I blinked, it’d be all over. I’d be fully exposed. He heard me say that last night. Why the heck did I say that out loud?
We sat in silence for a minute as I did the best I could to beat the emotion back. And then he was using his phone texting or something, then said, “We should get back to the club.”
He got to his feet and took the bottles from the bench and stuffed them into his jacket pocket. He grabbed my shoes and passed them to me. I squeezed my sore feet into them, then stood and lifted his leather jacket from the bench and passed it to him. He shrugged it on and then leaned over, motioning for me to hop back onto his back.
I did, feeling something pretty powerful inside of me the walk back to the bike.
