I blinked, cautiously rounding the desk until I stood in front of him.
“I’m not happy,” he said.
“I can tell.”
“I don’t like you canceling on me and then turning off your phone.”
I didn’t think I’d appreciate being unable to get ahold of him, either, especially feeling as insecure as I did in that moment. I bit my bottom lip. “Okay.”
“And I told you, if he’s near you, I want to be there.”
“I didn’t know he was—”
“But,” he added, “for all the excruciating times I stood in this office and couldn’t touch you, I’m going to kiss you right now.”
With a small smile, I took a step closer and placed my hands on his chest. His arms came around the middle of my back, and he held me as his lips touched mine.
I felt his love in that kiss. But a small part of me wondered if he knew the difference between lust and love, between now and someday. Bill had asked what made me different from the others. It was true—I had no idea if David had said these same things to other women. He hadn’t known Maria had expected more of him—that she one day thought he’d come around. What had he given her that she’d clung to for so long?
“Hey.”
I opened my eyes. “Hey,” I repeated.
“You’re not with me.”
I searched his eyes for a moment, wondering how he could tell the moment my mind began to wander.
“Now,” he said, “I want to know what he said to you.”
I sighed and dropped my eyes to his chest. “He kissed me.”
David’s jaw squared, his pecs going taut under my palms. “You’re shitting me.”
“It didn’t mean anything. If anything, it reminded me how much—”
“Was it against your will?” he asked.
If I said yes, who knew what David would do to Bill? But the alternative would be worse for me. It was the truth, though. “No,” I admitted. “It happened fast, but when I pulled away, he stopped.”
“I see.”
I heard his disappointment in those two words. “I’m sorry,” I said. “Honestly, I felt nothing.”
“I have no doubt about that,” he said. “I’m not worried about your chemistry.”
“No?” I asked.
He shook his head. “If you go back to him, it won’t be because he fucks you better, will it?”
A flush worked its way up my neck. I was tempted to shut the office door and ask him to back up that claim with evidence. “No.”
David raised an eyebrow. “The correct answer was that you’re not going back to him.”
I bit my bottom lip. “I’m not,” I said. “But he said some things I’m still . . . processing.”
“That,” David said, frowning. “That’s what worries me. You’re letting him get in your head, honeybee.”
I smiled barely, a reflex to the endearment. “Whether you like it or not, I’ve always been cautious. I have to be able to think these things through.”
He sighed. “And here, I let myself think I had you.”
My smile fell, and I looked up at him. “You do.”
“When Bill called me a womanizer and tried to make you doubt what you and I have—because I’m certain that was his plan—did you defend me? Defend us? Or did you give him reason to think you and I were unstable enough that he could kiss you?”
I dropped my gaze to David’s tie. “I told him he doesn’t know you or us, and that I’m different with you.”
“I called Maria before I came over here to explain Saturday night,” he said. “And you know what I told her? That you changed my life. That I’ll marry you one day, and that she shouldn’t waste her time giving me another thought, because nothing and no one would come between you and me—at least not anyone from my past.”
My heart skipped hearing him speak with such confidence. He’d never doubted us, and still, now, he put it all on the line. I, on the other hand, had denied him that reassurance over and over. I believed in us enough to dispel any concerns Bill might raise—didn’t I? So why hadn’t I stood up for David?
He’d marry me.
But I was already married. And unraveling a life was a lot more complex than David asking for his keys back.
“You can’t expect me to change overnight,” I said. “You knew things were complicated. I just need time to adjust. Things are moving so fast with us.”
“I know you didn’t have that openness with him, so I get that it’s scary. But this weekend, Olivia, you gave. I saw it, and it was everything I hoped for. But I can feel you taking it away. If you shut me out, this won’t work.”
“I’m not taking anything away, and I’m not shutting you out. Yes, we had a perfect weekend, but it can’t always be that way, David.”
He looked away and shook his head. “He has you so fucked, you don’t even realize that this,”—he gestured between us—“is how it’s supposed to be.”
“You don’t realize that love isn’t always enough,” I said, my voice rising. “You’re talking about moving in and marriage, while I’m still trying to decide if I should stay over at your place another night or go to Gretchen’s to give us each some space. I mean, if you and I keep going with the pedal to the metal, we’ll crash and burn at the first pothole.”
“I never used the word perfect. You did. That’s not what I expect.” He shoved a hand through his hair, messing it up. “What I’m saying is that Bill, or maybe your mom, I don’t know—they have you believing that you’re supposed to do this on your own. That if you let me in, I’ll take that trust and turn it on you. You’ve got to let me help, but instead you want space to think on your own. Without me.”
Everything he said held weight, but I thought I had been letting him help. Couldn’t he see how difficult it’d been for me to open up to him this weekend, even if it’d been equally as rewarding?
David stared at me, eyebrows raised, as if expecting me to respond. But words weren’t enough. Only actions would show him I was trying, and by letting Bill get under my skin, I’d already fucked up.
David picked up his blazer from the back of the chair.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“Go stay at Gretchen’s tonight,” he said.
I blanched. It was the last thing I expected him to say. David had been pushing for us for so long, his defeat caught me off guard. “What?”
He turned to me as he shrugged on his suit jacket and fixed his cuffs. “I can’t be in a relationship with someone who won’t talk to me. I can’t always be the one doing all the work.” He fixed his gaze on me. “So you go to Gretchen’s like you wanted and figure out if that’s the life you want. A life without me. Maybe it’s being single, maybe it’s with Bill. But it’s without me.”
My chin quivered. Suddenly, I didn’t want to go to Gretchen’s. I’d fucked up by trying to spare David from seeing my weaknesses the way I’d done to Bill—to spare us both from the heartache that could be. I should’ve just forced myself to share that burden with him. “I’m sorry,” I said. “You’re right. Tonight, we can talk—”
“No,” he said. “I already gave you the chance to talk, but instead you want to keep it all inside so you can make decisions without me and believe him over me. You’re supposed to be on my side, Olivia. Not his. So go and decide if you want what we had this weekend, or if you prefer the type of life where nobody gets in, and it’s just you, and you have no pain, but you don’t have real love either. Not the kind I’m fucking handing you on a silver platter.”
My mouth fell open while he spoke. His firm tone faltered with a sadness he didn’t try to hide. It burrowed into my heart and made me sad, too. I never would’ve left Bill if I hadn’t believed David’s love was real. Of course I wanted that.
David started for the door.
“I’m not doing this to hurt you,” I pleaded. “I am on your side—”
“Spare me, babe,” he said as he turned back to me. “Take the time you
need, and let me know what you decide. This isn’t an ultimatum. I just need to know that we’re on the same page, because by protecting yourself, you’re fucking me over. And I put it all out there for you. I don’t hold anything back. Now I’m the one who’s fucked.”
His words landed with a stabbing pain in my chest. Hurting David was the last thing I wanted to do, and I’d committed that crime too many times.
I must’ve looked as shocked as I felt, because David sighed heavily and walked back over. Gently, he took my chin in his hand. “Did you eat?” he demanded softly.
I blinked. “What?”
“You promised, when I tried to make you breakfast, that you’d have a big lunch.”
I sighed. This was his concern? “I’ll eat now.”
“Thank you.” He placed a kiss on my lips and then pulled back. “I love you. Okay?”
Somehow I understood there was nothing I could say to change David’s mind in that moment. I’d risked everything to be with him, but he’d risked even more. He’d put his entire heart on the line, while I’d kept part of mine shut off. But I couldn’t change that in one weekend, and so, we’d slow down. I was the one who’d asked for that.
And now that he’d given me that space, I only wished to take it back and keep him close.
But he was already out the door, leaving me there to wonder if letting old fears push David away had just cost me the greatest love I’d ever know.
14
For a Monday night, Gretchen’s apartment buzzed with activity. Since nobody had heard me knock, I walked in to find one of Gretchen’s roommates cooking cashew chicken, the other pouring wine as she manned a playlist on her phone.
Ava raised a wooden spoon in my direction. “Hi,” she called over the blare of Rihanna.
Bethany looked up from her phone and lowered the volume. “Hey, Liv. I didn’t know you were coming over.”
Gretchen waltzed into the kitchen in jeans and a colorful kimono that billowed after her. “She’s spending the night,” she said and picked up a glass of wine Bethany had poured.
Bethany took a new wineglass from a cupboard. “Want some Pinot Noir?” she asked me. “Where’s your stuff?”
Gretchen hadn’t even asked for an explanation when I’d said I’d needed a place to stay tonight—and that I might need to borrow some things. She’d told me to come over, so I’d taken a cab straight from my office.
Before I could answer Bethany, Gretchen grabbed a leather duffel from one of their kitchen chairs. “Here,” she said, handing it to me. “This came for you via a delivery service a half hour ago.”
“For me?” I set my handbag on their counter and took the bag. “What is it?”
Gretchen smiled a little. “Well, I didn’t go through it, but I have a guess.”
I unzipped the bag to find a few work dresses, some undergarments, travel-size toiletries, and an unsigned note in David’s handwriting.
To get you through the next few days
Appreciation warred with my disappointment. He was still thinking of me, but I hated the thought of him gathering and packing my things—especially a few days’ worth. I didn’t even want to spend tonight without him.
“He’s really thoughtful,” Gretchen said, peering over my shoulder to read the note.
“Bill sent that?” Ava asked from where she stood at the stove. “How come you’re staying here on a Monday?”
I glanced at Gretchen. “They don’t know about . . .”
Gretchen shook her head. “Nope. I wasn’t sure if we were telling people.”
“Telling people what?” Bethany asked, lowering the volume even more.
The doorbell rang. Gretchen’s brows furrowed before easing as she nodded. “I have a feeling that’s Greg,” she said and called for him to come in.
Greg sauntered into the kitchen seconds later and gave Gretchen a quick kiss before grinning at us. “Ladies,” he greeted.
Gretchen hugged his waist as she scolded, “What are you doing here?”
“You said you were having a girls’ night.” He grinned. “I’m here to crash it, just like old times.”
A memory of the four of us playing the Clue board game in our old apartment flashed over me. “Old times, but without Lucy,” I said, frowning.
“Lucy’ll come around. You know her, loyal to a fault,” Greg said. “So what’s tonight’s topic? Taking a break from all the sex, Livvy?”
Ava’s and Bethany’s eyebrows shoot up in unison. “What?”
“Can I tell them?” Gretchen asked. “Please. I’m dying to see their reaction.”
I zipped up the duffel bag. “It’s not really a secret anymore,” I said.
“Get this,” Gretchen said, facing her roommate with her arms extended as if to brace them. “Olivia spent her entire weekend shacked up with David Dylan. Remember—”
“The guy from Jeff the Chef’s restaurant opening?” Ava asked, her eyes widening.
“Get out!” Bethany exclaimed in disbelief, fumbling her phone and nearly dropping it. “You slept with that fine-ass hunk of man?”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Ava nearly screamed, waving her wooden spoon in the air. “Shut up, Bethany!” Ava’s eyes cut to me, and I braced myself for the next words out of her mouth. “But you’re married.”
I glanced down at my empty ring finger out of habit. “We’re separating.”
“Separating?” Gretchen asked with a frown.
“You know what I mean,” I said, shifting feet, then stooping to take off my heels. “We’re getting a divorce.”
“Words matter,” Gretchen said, almost in warning. “Use the right ones.”
“You’re leaving your husband for him?” Bethany asked, leaning a hip against the counter. “I have to say, I don’t blame you. He’s one of the best looking men I’ve ever seen.”
I smiled to myself. There’d never been any question of David’s attractiveness. But he was also attentive, patient, kind, and thoughtful—as evidenced by the duffel he’d sent, even when he was upset with me. It was the only thing I’d heard from him since he’d left my office earlier, and my heart sank with his uncharacteristic silence.
“Hello?” Gretchen said. “Liv?”
“Hmm?” I blinked up to find all eyes on me. “Sorry, I zoned out. What’d you say?”
Bethany laughed and glanced back at Ava. “She’s obviously picturing him naked right now. And now I am, too.” Bethany’s eyes twinkled, even as Ava scolded her with a look. “Is he hung?”
“Gross,” Greg said.
I laughed. “Yes. Seriously hung. Can you fucking believe it?”
“Do you even have to ask?” Gretchen said. “You can tell by the way he walks, like he knows he’s God’s gift to women. Not to mention he’s like six-foot-three—”
“Four,” I cut in. “And Gretch is right. I have absolutely no complaints in that department.”
“No guy is that confident if he ain’t packing,” Bethany said, shaking her head in awe.
“It must be good, right?” Ava asked. “The sex?”
How could I put into words the command David had over his body and mine? He worked me good and thorough, pushing me to the edge and then further, fucking me to climax like it was his job. I rolled back my head until my eyes hit the ceiling. “Ava,” I said seriously. “You have no idea.”
The three of them broke into a mixture of giggles, squeals, and I even heard an “Amen.” Greg, on the other hand, chugged Gretchen’s wine as if reaching the bottom of the glass would transport him anywhere but here.
“That’s so unfair,” Ava said. “You get two men, and I’ve got nobody.”
Bethany brought me a glass of wine, and I thanked her. “It must be crazy to be back in the dating pool after being married so long,” she said.
“I’m not really . . .” Back in the dating pool? I definitely wasn’t, but could I blame Bethany for thinking David and I were doing more than just fucking? I took a sip of wine. “Things with David are complica
ted.”
“You’re not dating around. I’ve seen them together, and David’s way too serious about her for that.” Gretchen made a face and turned to the girls. “David asked her to move in.”
“If you won’t, I will,” Ava said with a friendly smile. “Seriously, though. What’s stopping you?”
Just my own stupid shit. I opened my mouth to try to put into words what I’d miserably failed to convey to David earlier, but Gretchen interjected. “Nothing’s stopping her. Right?” she asked me. “When a girl meets a man like David, she never lets him go. And she certainly doesn’t drive him away. Does she?”
Gretchen didn’t have to be a mind reader to put two and two together. Especially since David had sent my things. I bit my bottom lip. “She’d be a fool to.”
“Are you guys, like, in love?” Ava asked.
“I . . .” I scratched the tip of my nose. “I haven’t . . .”
“Olivia,” Gretchen said. “You love him. I know you do.”
I glanced around at the four pairs of eyes on me. “I do. I just . . .”
“You’re scared,” Greg said. “I get it. I’ve been there.”
As Greg and Gretchen seemed to share a moment, my heart dropped. I’d known all along Greg had been scared of their connection, and I’d spent years maligning him for it. I didn’t want to be Greg, crawling back to Gretchen now, having missed out on her for almost a decade.
“If David breaks your heart, it’ll suck. But you’re tough, Liv. You’ll get over it,” Gretchen said and glanced at Greg. “I did.”
He leaned in and pecked her on the cheek.
“Get a room,” Bethany teased.
“We will,” Greg said, “when Gretchen’s ready.”
“Still?” I mouthed at Gretchen, and she nodded. I held my wine up to her and took a sip, shocked that she of all people had refrained from sleeping with him for so long.
What was she waiting for? My gut told me something was off. If she really were over her heartbreak, would she still be waiting? It’d been months.
I didn’t understand it, but I of all people knew that sometimes, matters of the heart just couldn’t be explained.
Cityscape Affair Series: The Complete Box Set Page 70
