by Wild, Cassie
“I didn’t actually lie,” he made the mistake of saying. “I just…didn’t correct you.”
Temper boiled away the rest of my feelings. “Did you seriously just say that?” I struggled to keep myself from yelling. “You committed a lie of omission then, you pathetic bastard! That’s just as bad. Maybe you should’ve been some slimy two-faced lawyer. I can’t believe I ever trusted you!”
“I’m sorry.” His voice was low, broken.
“Damn right you’re sorry!” I raged. “A sorry excuse for a man. Letting me trust you. I slept with you! I feel like such a fool!” All of the raw emotion was pouring out of me. “You took advantage of me, Kris. No matter how pure you thought your motives were, you took advantage. Plain and simple. You let me believe that you were somebody you weren’t. You could have just told me who you were. Why didn’t you just tell me?” My voice broke as the pain came rushing back. I didn’t know if I’d ever had a broken heart before, but I doubted it could’ve felt like this.
“I didn’t think you’d want to open up to me, and then it just got worse and worse the more time passed…”
“Right,” I mocked. “The more I trusted you. I knew the whole time that something was off. Hell, Ava tried to tell me to trust my gut, but I was stupid enough to believe that you were actually trying to help me! That you were a nice guy…I’m such an idiot!”
“I have been trying to help you,” he insisted. “I wanted to help you find out what really happened. Get you justice instead of some payoff.”
“But you made a fool out of me while you did it,” I reminded him. “I hate you for that. I feel like I’ve been running around in circles for weeks now, and I just found out that you were taking advantage of me. Exactly the way Quaid tried to. How can I ever forgive you for that? What makes you any better than that snake?”
“I never meant to hurt you.” He clenched his fists, his expression stricken. “You have no idea the guilt I’ve felt. How many times I hated myself for not telling you the truth.”
“Oh, poor you,” I spat. “My heart’s breaking for you, Kris. It really is. Tell me more about the pain you were feeling when you were having sex with me. Tell me how much it hurt to let me fall asleep next to you. Tell me how it hurt to see me cry and still not tell me the truth. Tell me all about how guilty you felt. Really, I wanna know. Did you have a nice laugh when I fell for you?” Tears burned in my eyes, but I refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing them.
His eyes lowered.
“You can’t even look at me, can you?” I asked. He didn’t respond. “You know, more than anything, you’ve made it impossible for me to trust anybody. Damn you for that most of all. I only have Ava and myself. I know that now. The thing I regret the most about my accident is that it didn’t happen after I met you. At least then, you’d be gone with the rest of my memories.”
“You can’t mean that, Preslee” he whispered, his eyes still on the ground.
“Believe me, I do.”
A yellow cab pulled up in front of us. Kris made no move to stop me as I brushed past him and walked to the back door.
“Preslee, please…please don’t go,” I heard Kris say from where he stood behind me.
I stopped, but didn’t look back at him. “Go to hell, Kris.”
I got into the cab and gave the driver Ava’s address. I didn’t look out the window as we pulled away.
And yet there was still a part of me that wanted to look back at him, that wanted to tell the driver to stop so I could run back and throw myself in his arms.
That was the part of me that burst into tears in the back of the cab. All of my anger, frustration and hurt poured out of me in an endless flow of tears. I can only imagine what the cab driver must have thought at my hoarse sobbing, but he didn’t say a word.
How could I have been so blind? How could I ever trust myself again?
Chapter 18
Preslee
As soon as I got back to Ava’s apartment, I collapsed onto the sofa. It was too much effort to even take off my shoes. All the strength had fled from my body as I laid there and cried on and off for hours. Shadows traveled across the living room as time passed, and eventually the light faded and the room darkened. I didn’t bother getting up to turn on the light. I was numb, empty.
I heard Ava’s light tread as she bounded up the stairs. She always seemed to have so much energy. I steeled myself for what I knew was to come. I wondered how many times she’d say “I told you so.”
The door opened. “Pres?” she asked. I heard a note of concern in her voice, and I realized that the sight of a dark apartment set off a red flag. I wondered how long it would take her to stop panicking whenever I appeared to be gone with no explanation.
“I’m over here, on the couch,” I mumbled in the darkness.
“What are you doing lying around with the lights off?” she asked, fumbling for the light switch. “Are you sick?”
“You could say that,” I replied.
She turned on the light and when she spotted my red, swollen, tear-stained face, she flew to my side.
“What happened? Oh my god, are you okay?”
“I’m fine, for the most part.” I sniffled. “I’m just…a mess inside right now.”
“Did you have a hard day? What happened to you?”
I told her everything.
Ava gasped when I got to the part about finding the receipt and the name on it. I held up my hand to signal that there was more, then told her about calling the police, and Kris being handcuffed.
“Good!” she cried. “I’m so glad you did!”
“Except his name isn’t Kris Fields.” She stared at me, confusion on her face. I gave her the rest of it, including the fight in the parking lot before I’d gotten into the cab.
“I don’t understand,” she said when I finally fell silent. “So you thought when he introduced himself that he was Kris Fields?”
“Right – because Quaid told me his son’s name was Kris.” I threw up my hands in frustration. “I mean, I guess I figured that I was at Quaid’s office and oh, look, here’s this guy named Kris. It made sense at the time. I didn’t think too hard about it. Obviously.”
“Did you ever tell him you thought he was Kris Fields?” she replied, folding her legs up underneath her. I tried my best to remember.
“I have no idea,” I admitted. “But he must have known who I thought he was, because he told me all about how guilty he felt the entire time we were together. I’m such an idiot.”
Ava put her hand on my back and rubbed up and down. “Honey, there was no way you could have known.”
“How can you say that?” I asked with a bitter laugh. “You told me yourself that you thought there was something funny about him. Now we know why he never talked about what he did for a living, because he didn’t want to give himself away. It all makes sense now.”
She shook her head as she brushed a curl back from my face. “Come on, anyone who’d been in that same position would’ve assumed he was Kris Fields. The odds of meeting someone with the same first name...I can’t run the numbers, but I’ll bet they’re high.”
“Yeah, but I was stupid enough to have slept with him,” I pointed out. “I’ll bet most people wouldn’t have done that.”
“Hmm, I don’t know…” she said with a smirk. “I’m betting all the straight women would have.”
I narrowed my eyes at her and she squeezed my shoulder.
“The worst part is,” I continued. “I feel so betrayed. I thought I could trust him, you know? It really seemed like he was trying to help me, Ava. I mean he took me around from place to place, asking questions. I felt like he wanted to find the person who hit me as much as I did.”
“Maybe he did. Maybe he still does,” she said softly. “Just because he lied about his name to get close to you doesn’t mean that he didn’t sincerely care, honey.”
“God. I am so damn stupid,” I said again. I felt like there was no way to beat myself up enoug
h.
“Stop saying that,” Ava commanded in a no-nonsense tone of voice. “I don’t want to hear you talk about yourself that way.”
“But what else can I say?” I asked. “The evidence is right here, in front of us. I let myself get roped in. I believed in him. I shared everything, everything I have, every memory. And the whole time, he was lying to me. How else would you describe me?”
“Lonely,” Ava said quietly. “Scared. Confused. Lost. Human.”
Her words did nothing to soothe me, though I knew she was trying her best.
“I should have listened to you,” I said, despondent. I felt the tears threatening to spill over again, and I pushed them back. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I didn’t even think I had it in me to squeeze out one more tear. I was exhausted.
“Yeah, well, for once I can’t say that I’m happy being right,” Ava admitted. “I didn’t want to be.”
“You didn’t?”
“Of course I didn’t!” she exclaimed, taking both of my hands in hers and looking me dead in the eye. “Being right meant you being hurt, and that’s the last thing I wanted. I would much rather have been wrong, and have you happy and safe. And I kinda liked him. I did. He seemed nice. I wanted to believe that he was the real deal too, Pres, but he wasn’t. We were both fooled.”
“Me more than you,” I pointed out obstinately.
“Yeah, yeah. You more than me,” she agreed. “You always have to have the last word.” Ava ruffled my hair and pulled me close.
She was only half-serious, and I had to smile through my tears, feeling somewhat soothed at last.
“This isn’t the end of the world, you know,” she said. “Everybody has to feel this way at least once, I think. It’s part of growing up or something.”
“So now I’m grown up?” I asked, smiling at her through my misery. She nodded.
“Yup. I think you qualify as a full-fledged grown-up now. Congratulations.” We both laughed a little. I could feel my spirits lifting, slowly but surely, and I realized that I didn’t want to keep feeling awful about this. I was extremely grateful to have Ava by my side and I told her so.
“What are friends for?”
“I mean it,” I said firmly. “I’m going to find a way to repay you one of these days.”
“Well, I’ve been keeping track of everything you owe me, so it’ll be really easy for you to do that.” She winked at me, and I threw a pillow at her head.
“You know what?” she suddenly said, and leapt off the bed. “We need to go out.”
“Ohhhhh,” I said reluctantly, “I don’t know about that, Ava. That’s sort of the last thing I wanna do right now.”
“And that’s why it’s the one thing you should do,” she announced. “I mean it. The only thing sitting around and moping is gonna do is make you feel worse. You have to do something that will take your mind off of everything. Let’s go out and have fun.”
“Even if we could sneak into a bar, after what happened to me, I don’t think that’s something I ever want to do.”
“There’s an under-21 night at one of the clubs near the store,” she told me. “I’ve been there a few times and it’s pretty fun. There are lots of cute guys there, too…”
I shot her a warning look. Way too soon to be mentioning guys. She held her hands in front of her, palms facing me.
“Okay, okay. It was just a thought.”
I deliberated with myself. I had really wanted nothing more than to veg out on the sofa and binge watch some TV. Maybe get better acquainted with my friends Ben and Jerry, but Ava looked so excited, I didn’t want to let her down by saying no.
I sighed. “What time do you wanna leave?” She clapped her hands.
“Get in the shower and get yourself cleaned up. Wash this whole day off. I’ll make dinner while you do.” She jumped up. “We’ll need sustenance if we’re gonna dance our butts off tonight!”
She dashed out to the kitchen, leaving me feeling like I’d just been run over by a freight train, but I was glad that there was still somebody I could trust – somebody who cared about my suffering and wanted to cheer me up. I hauled myself into the shower as per her orders, and said a little prayer that I’d be able to get through the night without bawling my eyes out all over again.
I was done crying.
Chapter 19
Preslee
A few hours later, Ava and I were dancing it out in the middle of a packed club and I was doing everything I could to forget what happened that day.
It seemed to be working, too. All the endorphins from the dancing had me feeling euphoric. I put all of my energy into my moves, telling myself to leave it all on the dance floor. All the hurt, the anger, the pain, the frustration. Just leave it here, I told myself. Sweat it out and start again tomorrow.
I’d worn a tight pair of jeans and a scoop-neck tank top with simple flats. I argued with Ava when she tried to get me to dress up a little more, piling an array of stilettos on the sofa and gesturing wildly. After I’d reminded her that I wasn’t looking for a rebound hookup, she’d given in and stopped hounding me about trying to look cuter.
Meanwhile, she had pulled out all the stops. She was a little rough around the edges, my friend. A little punk, but as it turned out, this entire club was too. I saw many more people dressed like her, complete with the streaky hair and piercings, than dressed like me. I was glad for that. She was always dealing with my drama and never made time for herself. She needed this as much as I did.
We were in the center of the dance floor together, shimmying to a song with a fast beat and killer drums. I concentrated on moving my body to the rhythm, but every time a guy danced too close, I’d flinch away. I couldn’t truly relax, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I was having a good time. My dancing was more desperate than fun. I was sweaty with exertion and laughing too loud. I was trying too hard, but I had to try, at least for Ava’s sake.
“You okay?” Ava shouted, straining to be heard over the music.
I nodded enthusiastically and danced even harder. She must have seen right through me. I tended to forget how well she knew me.
“Maybe we should go sit down. Have some water or something? Cool off.” She took me by the arm and led me to the bar area, where she elbowed her way through until she found two empty stools. For such a short person, she was very aggressive when she needed to be.
I sipped my water, grateful for the break. Again, somebody nudged me, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that everybody was way too close. More than once on the way to the club, I’d felt as though I was being followed. It was ridiculous, but I couldn’t get over that paranoia.
I hadn’t mentioned it to Ava. Sure, she’d be convinced I was having some sort of breakdown. The last thing I needed was to be shipped back to the hospital. I told myself that I was only overreacting, but that didn’t stop me from being on edge.
Suddenly, I realized Ava was asking me a question. “What?” I asked loudly, pretending that the roar of the music and the crowd was the reason I couldn’t hear her.
“I asked if you were okay. You seem antsy,” she said, leaning into me so I could hear her better.
I shook my head. “I’m fine!” I said with a big smile. She looked unconvinced.
A boy in dark clothing sidled up to her and said hello. He was cute. His brown hair was messy in that just woke up from bed way, full gages protruded from his ears, and a tongue ring flashed as he spoke. Not my type, but Ava definitely looked like he was hers.
Then I heard a glass fall and shatter behind the bar, and I shot from my stool, adrenaline flooding my system.
Glass sprayed over me as the windshield shattered.
“Oh my gosh, Pres, are you okay?” Ava asked.
“Sure, sorry. I just got startled.” I blew out a deep breath, giving myself a mental shake.
“You’re white as a sheet.”
“Maybe you need some air,” her friend suggested. He introduced himself as Dan. “Come on.�
� He took my arm lightly and pulled me towards the door. “I’m an EMT,” he said as he smiled reassuringly.
It was a chilly night for late March, but the cool air was good for me, so I didn’t mind. It helped clear my head and felt good against my perspiration-soaked clothing.
“Are you sure she should be out here like this, all sweaty?” Ava asked skeptically.
Dan nodded. “You can’t catch a chill from being outside in the cool air, that’s an old wives’ tale.”
“I’m glad we have a medical professional with us.” I forced a laugh. “Thanks. I just…that glass breaking…”
Ava placed a hand on my shoulder. “Maybe…maybe something came back to you?” She said it as a question rather than a statement.
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
I took a series of deep breaths as Ava gave Dan a brief rundown of what’d happened. I told myself that I was fine, that even if I was remembering things, I was safe now, that there was no danger.
Just then, a car approached quickly and pulled up in front of where we were standing. I tensed, pressing myself against the wall of the club, terrified. I didn’t even know why I was so scared. I just was.
I waited at a red light, not sure if I should turn left toward the convenience store or right toward home. I was tired, but hungry. I’d never be able to go to sleep with my stomach rumbling the way it was, and I didn’t know if there was food at home. I decided to turn left. I wasn’t even through the turn yet when I glanced to the side.
I hadn’t seen it coming. No lights, no warning, just a hulking shape barreling toward me.
I was going to die.
I knew it with the same certainty I’d known other things in my life. That my mother hated me. That my father had left because he’d hated her, not me. That Ava was my sister in all but blood.
I was going to die.
I couldn’t even scream, but I did throw my arm up over my face, the action more instinct than anything else.
A split second later, impact. Pain ripped through my left side and I felt my leg break with a muffled, sickening snap that I heard even through the crunch of metal and squeal of tires.
