The night before their move they spent it together in the apartment. A quiet evening in March. The ocean breeze was coming through the patio window, cold and refreshing. They made love in their bed despite the cold, warming each other’s bodies with their passion. Quietly they walked through the apartment talking about this and that, do you remember, what about this, what about that. It was kind of melancholy and bittersweet. Saying goodbye to one thing and starting a whole new chapter in their lives.
They sat out on the balcony for awhile in each others arms looking up at the stars that could be seen despite LA’s lights. Neither wore anything despite the cold but no one could see them because of the dark. Out of the blue Grace asked Joan if she would like to have another child.
Sitting up in surprise Joan looked at her to see that she was serious. “What made you think of that?”
“I was remembering you and Aaron together and was thinking how I would like a child of ours.” Grace looked at her intently.
Thinking she was kidding Joan asked why didn’t she have one. Grace looked down then and said “I can’t.”
Lifting her chin with her hand Joan tilted her head to try to see into Graces face. Between the dark of the night and the weird shadows of it she couldn’t see it well. Suddenly Grace shivered. Joan stood up and pulled Grace up with her. Closing the balcony door behind her she shut the other one across the room. They snuggled under the covers and resumed their conversation.
“Why can’t you?” Joan asked seriously. If Grace wanted a child this was the first she had heard of it since she had met her. In almost two years of knowing this woman they
“Well for one my age is against me.” At 47, almost 48 it would just be physically too much. Furthermore she had tried while in college and couldn’t get pregnant. She told Joan about the pain and humiliation she had endured with her boyfriend trying to get pregnant then. She asked if Joan had ever considered having another child.
“Yes, but I thought that was years behind me. My youngest just graduated from college for crying out loud. I’m a grandmother. I’m too old.” At 42 going on 43 she felt way too old to consider putting her body through it.
Grace was disappointed and it showed. Joan tried to comfort her but between the move and this news she stayed depressed for a long while.
They talked for a long time that night about the possibility but Joan wasn’t enthused and Grace very depressed. They talked about adoption but Joan didn’t want an infant and she was sure that most agencies would hold their sexual status against them as well as their ages. Finally Joan asked her if being a grandmother couldn’t be enough. Grace thought for a long quiet while and finally sighing she realized she was being self indulgent about this issue. Joan had had her children when she was young. She wasn’t particularly maternal. She’d done her duty as she saw it and raised three fine young men. It wouldn’t be fair to put her through it all again when she was obviously not enthused about it. Just because Grace was getting the pangs didn’t mean they were contagious. Joan confessed to her that she had thought once or twice about it over the years but thought she had been given what she could handle and that would have to be enough. She wanted Grace to be happy but in this instance she would have to settle for being a co-grandparent or whatever they wanted to label it. Finally talking it all out Grace settled it in her mind and let it go. It was a pipe dream. She was too old for that but she had this terrific lady in her life to share life with and that should be enough. She’d play Grace the grandma to Aaron and the new baby if they allowed her to and that should be enough.
It was late after they finished talking and they fell asleep. They almost overslept as the movers were coming bright and early in the morning. Taking showers they both dressed hurriedly and packed away the last of their things. The refrigerator would be left but they emptied out the last of the things in it into the cooler in the back of the Jaguar. Their bags were packed into the trunk. The Jaguar was parked on the street when the moving van pulled up. They parked Joan’s Mercedes inside it first and packed around it. All the stuff from the garage that they had boxed and put there including Graces bedroom set was packed into the van. Everything from upstairs that they were taking was moved in an amazingly short amount of time. By noon Joan and Grace were on the road and headed through the canyon. The van would meet them in Wisconsin in a weeks time.
Once through the canyon to the 101 freeway they headed south and went through LA to the 10 freeway. It took forever to get through the cities that comprise LA. Finally they headed out on the 15 freeway towards Las Vegas. They stopped in Baker at the world’s tallest thermometer to gas up and to eat.
They arrived in Las Vegas and stayed at the MGM Grand. That night they went to a show and took taxi’s to a couple of nightclubs. They danced half the night away and two men tried to pick them up but they politely declined. It was after 2 AM before they collapsed laughing into their hotel bedroom.
They got a late start the next morning but they didn’t mind. They were going to take this trip slowly and enjoy themselves. The depression that hit Grace their last night in Malibu seemed to totally be gone. She had even talked a little more about it with Joan, explaining her feelings, hashing it out completely, getting it settled.
The second night out they stayed in a small town in Colorado. Since they had gotten a late start the previous morning they drove long into the night hoping to make Denver but finally fatigue overtook them and they stopped for the night at a dingy little motel. The proprietor apologized but since they were on the truck route he only had one room left and that with only one bed. They pretended that this was an inconvenience they were grateful for. Joan laughed when they were in the room if the manger had only known! They walked across the street to a western bar and grill for a late dinner, starved from their driving.
The next morning they woke to the most glorious site. Since they drove through a lot of it in the dark they hadn’t realized how mountainous it was and the sights that greeted them were breathtaking. The freeway followed along a river and cut through beautiful rock and mountain formations with snow still on the peaks and mountain sides. It took them five hours to make it to Denver and they were both disappointed at the Mile High City. They expected it to be IN the mountains but instead it seemed to be on the high prairie below them. They continued their journey into Nebraska and got a room there.
Nebraska was interesting but dull compared to the previous states. The rest stops were the cleanest either of them had ever seen. They took turns driving for 3 hour stretches, stopping for gas, for a few road side sights. Nebraska is a long state and it took 2 and half days to get through it. Iowa was quick and surprisingly hilly. They entered Minnesota still on the prairie. It didn’t take as long as they thought before they were driving into Wisconsin. One more night in a hotel and they would be in Wausau. They stayed in La Crosse that last night. The Mississippi glimmered just for them as they crossed over the bridge into the state with the beautiful bluffs overlooking the river. Both were tired and seeing things when they finally stopped.
Their last day they took local highways across the state to the 51 freeway which split the state in two. Up 51 they drove to Wausau, arriving there after noon. They went directly to the hotel where they had arranged to stay for a couple of months while their house was still being built. When their boxes arrived from California they would go into storage until the house was ready. Joan would have her car back then as well.
Grace didn’t have to start work for at least three weeks. So they played the tourist and drove around Wausau. They shopped, picking up a few items for the house and storing them with their other items. This got old as they wanted to USE the things so they stopped buying for the time being.
They went out to the house site and saw where big trucks had been coming down the roadway onto the site and dug into the road that had been built. The basement had been dug, the forms for the 10’ walls formed and poured. The first floor was already in and framing for the walls and room
s going up. Busy little bees were working about the site. The foreman introduced himself and apologized that one of the trees they had wanted to keep must come down if they were going to put in the Jacuzzi where they wanted. Another one would have to come down for the carriage house that they were building for their cars. Looking over the plans and him showing them about they agree that the trees would have to come down but the wood from them would be stacked behind the carriage house with all the other trees that had been torn from the house site and roadway. A very large stack of logs stood there and would last their wood burning needs for years.
They visited with Craig and Jane who now treated Joan with the respect due her. Hashing everything out on their visit in January had at least cleared the air. She still didn’t approve of their lesbian relationship but she liked Grace and pretended that relationship did not exist. It was as though Grace were just an old friend of the family.
Visiting with Adam they found him nervous and agitated. He wanted to propose to Gwen his girlfriend in California but he wasn’t sure she wanted to move to Wisconsin. He didn’t want to raise a family out there. Joan chided him on not discussing it with the woman. She herself had finally met her after her last trip. She had arranged to have lunch with her and found her to be intelligent and charming. A good match for her second son if he’d get his act together and ask her. Joan went down and bought him a round trip ticket for Gwen to come out and visit in Wisconsin.
Bryan was on his tour so they didn’t see him for three months. By then Grace was working in her new job and loving it. Joan tried working part time in the gallery but got under Yoshi’s feet and on each other’s nerves. So that didn’t last. She tried renting another spot to paint but found that difficult as well. Nothing felt right. She took her sketch pads everywhere with her and her body of work increased. She had many many sketches that she could turn into paintings when she found the place and time. She became depressed at not being able to paint. She tried not to show it but Grace sensed she was bored. She went to the house site two or three times a week. She never interfered and she drew fantastic sketches but it still wasn’t enough. She need a diversion and it wasn’t forthcoming.
Bryan was due back when she got a call from Allan insisting that she meet him in Miami Beach for a show. Unenthused she went and the show went well but in her depression she didn’t see it that way. She felt it a great inconvenience. He wanted her to do another one in a month in New York and reluctantly she agreed.
Returning from the trip she at least was able to greet Bryan back. He had been thrilled with the trip. He had emailed frequently. Postcards were unending. A few arrived after his return. The service from Asia not as good as Europe. After Egypt and Turkey he had gone to India and seen the Taj Mahal. Then on into China. He saw the Great Wall and the cities, Bangkok and Hong Kong. Japan had been exciting and Tokyo overwhelming. The sites, the sounds, the tastes had all been thrilling and he was so excited. He even looked forward to going to work with Craig in the next month. He settled into Adams old townhome.
Grace was beside herself. They had been in Wausau for nearly five months and she couldn’t seem to combat Joans depression. She knew Joan needed to express herself through her paintings. Even going to the conventions depressed her since she had no new work to exhibit. Joan sank deeper every day. Then they got the news that the house wouldn’t be ready in the sixth month that they had hoped it would. Unavoidable delays in permits and product caused them to run into other problems. One permit would delay work on one part of the house only to cause trouble obtaining another permit in another part of the house. They were unable to obtain some of the fixtures or product they wanted for the house. Joan was frustrated. She got quieter as the days went by and turned into weeks. Grace would often come in and find her sitting in the hotel staring blankly at the TV. Never a big tv watcher this channel surfing numbed her mind. She didn’t even care for her new grandbaby. Jane had a baby girl that they named Jennifer. Never maternal for small babies she basically ignored her.
She was even unethused about Grace. Lovemaking became almost non existent. They would still kiss, cuddle, and caress but it led to no where. Grace became frustrated. They had always been in synch about that and now it was just fading away. Despite her experience as a doctor of psychology she couldn’t seem to shake Joan from her melancholy.
The boys tried to keep her in their lives. Inviting her to places and including her but she was definitely not the life of the party and she refused to go a lot of the time.
In September Grace heard about a national builders convention in Dallas. She bought four first class tickets to Dallas and they took their builder and his wife along to get into it. You had to be a certified builder to enter the building and he vouched for them saying they were his assistants. It amused Joan that he was calling them decorators when there was a stigma attached to most decorators as being gay. Grace got him a nice room two floors below them and she and Joan stayed in a suite. Downtown Dallas was beautiful and they enjoyed themselves. Eating out at fine restaurants their builder escorting them. Tom was a nice guy. He knew the score, that they were gay but they were so nice and fun, he had a blast being out with them. One night they even went to a gay bar and he found himself being hit on. His wife would laugh about this one for years to come. Grace and Joan rarely danced together but it was nice to finally be able to. Joan was an excellent dancer and after they agreed about neither of them really leading they had a wonderful time. Joan loosened up and for the first time in months was not depressed. She danced closely with Grace on slow dances. Murmuring in her ear, kissing her neck, kissing her in public, neither had a care in the world. They were just so happy to be together. Tom and his wife Ellen were just as lovey dovey. They never got away and as this was pretty much an all expense paid trip they were taking advantage of the time together for a second honeymoon of sorts.
That night Joan and Grace made love as they hadn’t in months. It relaxed both of them. They hadn’t realized the tension that was building over Joans continued depression had affected them both. Grace talked with Joan about it and going over the various things in her life with Grace, Joan agreed to try harder and perhaps even go into therapy.
The first day of the convention they all got there bright and early. Joan and Grace dressed in business suits. Tom was more relaxed in a polo short and khakis. His wife Ellen wore a flowing flowered dress. Each of them wore comfortable shoes. Going up one aisle and down another they enjoyed seeing all the different booths of household items and building things. Clever inventions, new ways to build things, faucets, showers, tile. Anything and everything to do with construction was at this show. Joan and Grace got more ideas for their house. A few things would have to be altered but they had Tom place orders by the end of the show for many things that they had delays on back in Wisconsin and for things they now wanted to see in their house. Tom felt the trip was worth it for all the new contacts he made. He found new distributors of product he wanted to offer his clients. He found new product he was amazed to find. Beautiful new items that took ones breath away. Grace and Joan were a headache sometimes but their taste was incredible and he could picture more and better things than what had originally been decided and he agreed to their demands. A couple of things were impractical for their house but he good naturedly talked them out of those. After three days of walking the floor, shaking hands, making deals, and ordering items Tom was sure he could get the house done in just over a month. If everyone delivered as agreed it would surely be a showpiece. He got Joan and Grace to agree to a picture spread of the house, inside and out as well as the grounds and the carriage house with it’s apartment above it. The professional photographer would be there once it was all done.
They all returned to Wisconsin in high spirits. Joan had shrug off her depression with the trip and the enthusiasm of the things they had seen for their new home. She and Grace were working out the financial arrangements so that they both owned it. Since Grace had turned her savings over
to Craig they worked it so that ‘mortgage’ payments would come out of the profits until the entire balance was equal.
The landscapers did what they could late as it was in the season. The photographer took tons of pictures. Joan and Grace ended up with a large book of the copies. The builder and the architect received copies.
~ CHAPTER 21 ~
They moved in November. It hadn’t snowed yet but it was getting colder. The movers put the boxes where Joan and Grace directed them. Upstairs, downstairs, on ground level. There was a ton of things to put away. They realized they didn’t have enough furniture. It was fun to shop together again. They put in beautiful oak shelves in the basement for the books, CDs, tapes, and other entertainment items. The wide screen TV went down there as well. In the guest bedroom they put Graces old bedroom set and bought themselves a beautiful new one for the master bedroom. They bought a dining room set with matching display cabinets with leaded glass in them showing off their crystal and other trinkets.
Joan could finally set up her studio. It was the roomiest she had ever had. The skylights lighted it from morning until dusk. It was airy and she was looking forward to creating beautiful works of art within it. Her paints and pencils were all laid out, she had to buy more of everything. She unpacked it all. Her easels, her canvasses, her unfinished pieces, her sketchbooks. Her credenza, her desk, everything was put in this room and still it was wide open and had room to spare. She felt like she could breathe again when she finally finished unpacking it all.
It took weeks to get all the furniture they wanted and things put away. Grace took off an occasional day of work to meet with delivery men so it didn’t all fall on Joan’s shoulders. They hung the painting Grace and the other one called Clouds and Cream. Joan was still amazed that Grace had never asked about the painting GRACE. She never SAW that it was of her like other’s who saw it immediately did. She never asked though and Joan never volunteered. As it was assumed by the family that Grace already knew it was of her no one brought it up.
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