Grace showed her around the living room and Joan seemed fascinated by the paintings and sketch hung there. She stood in front of the The Ring sketch for a long time and then asked Grace if this was the same one as the ring she wore. Grace answered yes and Joan moved on to the other’s. When she came to the portrait of Grace she studied that for awhile. Then asked quietly if this was of Grace. Grace again answered yes. She didn’t want to feel she had to follow Joan around and she certainly didn’t want Joan to feel she was hovering so she walked to the kitchen.
Joan wandered around the living room and then onto the deck. She looked out over the river and the dock. She looked out at the trees and the property. She remembered none of this. Since she had woken up in the hospital a parade of people had come through her room telling her outrageous stories that were supposedly about her. She remembered none of what these people told her, she felt as though it was all one big con. Since she didn’t know the truth though she decided to follow along with it all until she knew differently. There were photographs of Joan and Grace, Joan and the men introduced as her son’s, Joan and some children, Grace, Joan, and the same children at different ages. She must live here. This would be such an elaborate set up for a con otherwise. Rubbing her forehead absentmindedly she went inside.
Grace showed her the basement and it’s workout area, the guest bedroom, the entertainment area, the library, the jacuzzi, the steam room. Joan guessed that there was a lot of money as this was so fancy. Grace took her back upstairs and then led her to the upper stairs. She showed Joan the studio. It was light and airy, the sunbeams coming through the skylights were spectacular and the views from both the front and back windows were incredible. It had it’s own bathroom too. Then Grace showed her the bedroom. The bed was queen size and had very beautiful sheets and covers on it. The bathroom was so luxurious. The walk in closet and dressing room blew the mind. All those clothes! Asking about them she realized there was more than one size represented here and asked Grace about them. Grace told her that one side was her’s and the other her own. Looking at Grace she said “You live here?” As far as Joan was concerned Grace was introduced as her best friend.
Looking carefully at Joan, she didn’t want to frighten or upset her Grace said “Yes, I live here with you.”
Thinking for awhile Joan realized the only other bedroom she had seen was in the basement and that unoccupied. Another thought occurred to her but she didn’t want to voice it but then realized she had to. “Where do you sleep?”
Grace had watched her think things through and knew what was coming. She indicated their bed “here.”
“Where do I sleep?” Joan was starting to feel boxed in. She knew they were setting her up for something.
“Here” Grace wanted to explain but Joan didn’t give her an opening.
“Oh” she answered and then walked quickly from the room with Grace following. She went down the stairs and looked into the kitchen where Mrs. Richardson was preparing lunch. Not sure what to say or do she just stood there. Grace put her hand on her shoulder and Joan jumped, twisting away from her, her face fearful.
“Easy, sorry. I thought perhaps you’d like to go for a walk down to the dock until lunch is ready.” Grace was afraid she had upset things with the bedroom. She hadn’t even thought to lie. Jason had agreed the truth only for her recovery. If she never recovered there still must be the truth.
Joan agreed and headed for the deck. D.O.G. followed hopefully and she let him out. They walked slowly down the steps to the deck. Joan stared out at the water and then sat on one of the adirondack chairs that was set there. Grace sat in the other one. They were both quiet for a long while before Joan began asking about her artwork. She seemed confused about it. That it generated money at all. Grace explained about the foundation and her son’s working there. How it had gotten started, what it did, how it generated money. She explained about the art shows, the tours, and the galleries. Joan didn’t believe a word of it.
Finally Joan took a deep breath and asked about their living arrangements. She said she wasn’t sure about things. Grace assured her that they would do nothing she didn’t want to. Not to worry. They’d take things one step at a time and when or if Joan was ready. She could wait, she loved her. At this Joan seemed very uncomfortable. Grace decided this was enough for today and suggested they head back for lunch. D.O.G. led the way.
During lunch they spoke not at all. Grace left her to her own devices that afternoon and found her sitting on the couch in the entertainment area with D.O.G. while reading a book. Over the next few weeks this was a common site. Joan read everything in the library she could get a hand on. Even some of the books she had hated before. She didn’t remember any of them so it was all new to her. She also poured through their photo albums trying desperately to remember the faces and the places that were in them.
That night in the bathroom Grace changed first and Joan who felt so very awkward about things hid and then changed into a set of sweat pants and a bulky T-shirt. Grace, who was trying to be discrete about things had already gotten into bed and turned her back to Joan’s side and turned out her light. Joan turned out the lights in the bathroom and reluctantly got into the bed. Her back to Grace she turned off the light on the side of the bed. Grace said “goodnight Joan” and Joan answered stiffly “goodnight.” She didn’t relax until she was sure that Grace was asleep. The first of many uncomfortable nights for her.
She woke early and watched as Grace got ready for work. She tried not to stare. She averted her eyes as much as possible. Grace had explained that she worked as a doctor at the hospital and she showed Joan how to reach her if need be. She told Joan for the first few days she might just want to relax around the chalet until she was familiar with things. Not speaking Joan just nodded in agreement and then Grace was gone. Only then did Joan get out of bed to change into jeans and another T-shirt. Grace had shown her what side of the closet contained her clothes. There was a lot of flowing things. Not Joan’s taste at all but then she laughed at herself, what did she know of her own taste.
She spent the day reading with D.O.G.. Grace found her out on the dock late in the afternoon. They ate dinner together, quietly. Grace tried to share her day but either Joan didn’t answer at all or all her responses were one syllable. Joan had no comprehension of what Grace did and couldn’t understand what Grace was trying to share. She showed no interest where before she would have given her full attention to Grace.
The boys couldn’t wait anymore and one by one over the next few days they dropped by. Joan met her grandchildren and their honest welcome of their grandmother was the first thing that Joan believed. The grandchildren were so open that she couldn’t help but respond. They taught her to play all their favorite games again. As the games were new to Joan she didn’t become bored as she would have before. She knew that she was watched at all times and it became uncomfortable. She knew she was almost always the topic of conversation, this made her uncomfortable too.
She started going to see Jason three times a week. At first Grace would come home to take her to her appointments but soon Jane and occasionally Kim did. Of all the people that Joan had met she related the best with Kim. No one knew why but they were all grateful that she felt comfortable with her and could talk to her. Kim was getting to know a Joan that no one else had known either. She was always pleasant to everyone but she had no memory of them or the events that they continually asked her to remember. She was tired of people asking her or starting a conversation with “do you remember when...” She was always cheerful and happy but she still didn’t believe a word they said.
When she spoke to Jason she felt it was a waste of time. They tried hypnosis, this didn’t work as Joan was one of those rare people who didn’t go under. They tried many other therapies as well but she grew frustrated and found them annoying. She wanted a quick fix but nothing was working, nothing was triggering the memories she desperately craved and everyone else seemed to want. She was more and more re
luctant to go to her sessions. Grace took her out one weekend in the Mercedes to see if she could drive. She did very well and from then on went to her therapy sessions herself.
One day Kim was working hard at the clinic when one of the new nurses came running up telling her that a woman was asking frantically for her at the front desk. Since the remodel the place had really grown. It took her awhile to go from one end of the building to the other. There stood Joan looking totally disheveled and upset, she kept asking “where’s Kim, is Kim here?” Kim took her back to her office to calm her down and ask what was wrong. Joan explained that she had headed for her therapy session as usual today but that they detoured the traffic and she had become lost. She’d driven around for hours but couldn’t find her way. Scared she happened across 5th Avenue. Remembering that Kim worked at the 5th Street Clinic she asked someone where 5th Street was in relation to 5th Avenue. With this information in hand she had found the clinic. Since it was so late in the day Kim drove home with her. On the way she asked Joan why she hadn’t phoned Grace for help. Joan confided that Grace scared her. Surprised at this news Kim asked her why. Joan said she’d show her. When they got to the chalet, Mrs. Richardson was still there. She said that Grace had called several times looking for Joan who had never showed up for her appointment. She’d tried calling the car but the phone was turned off. Just then the phone in the kitchen rang and Mrs. Richardson answered it. She told Grace that Joan had showed up at the chalet. Mrs. Richardson tried to hand the phone to Joan. Joan refused and Kim took the phone. Joan headed upstairs. Kim explained about what had happened and Grace told her she would be right there. Kim found Joan upstairs sitting on the edge of her bed sort of rocking. Putting her arm around Joan she comforted her asking what was wrong, why was she scared of Grace. In answer Joan pulled open the drawer of the side table which contained their toys. She was genuinely horrified at her find. She explained that she was afraid of what these meant. She didn’t know what to do. Kim tried hard not to laugh, she too had been surprised to see the love toys but then she figured why not, they were adults. Joan was really shook up about the find. Kim explained that Grace loved her. That she would never do anything to hurt her. If Joan didn’t want to use these items then they wouldn’t. After speaking awhile Joan seemed to calm down. Closing the drawer she laid down to sleep and Kim pulled a blanket over her and left the room.
Grace made it home within 30 minutes. She’d been frantic when she had been informed by Jason that Joan had just never shown up. Not being able to find her anywhere in the hospital or by phone had scared her. Kim reiterated what had happened and how Joan came to be with her. She further explained that Joan was afraid of Grace. Surprised, Grace asked what that meant and Kim, her face aflame explained about the find of toys, Joan’s fears and what Kim had told her. Grace’s face was red as well but she listened. She drove Kim back to her clinic to get her car. They discussed Joan the whole way. Grace explained her frustrations as well. Joan didn’t talk to her much if at all. She didn’t appear to want to remember. It had been months and she needed and wanted the closeness that she had once had with Joan. Kim told her she must be prepared that Joan may never get back to that. Grace was depressed, she KNEW that, she just hoped.
Going back to the chalet Grace determined that things had to change. Joan was miserable. She was miserable too. Joan didn’t talk to her unless it was absolutely necessary. Many times she’d find Joan sitting on the deck looking off into the distances and rubbing her forehead scar. Grace wanted, needed to talk and be with her. She craved their intimacy. She missed sex but that could wait until Joan was ready, if ever. She missed Joan, she missed the things that made up the complex woman. She realized that she was being selfish and taking it all in decided to talk to Joan about it, whether she wanted to or not.
Upon entering the bedroom she saw that Joan was still asleep. She decided to let her sleep after her stress filled day. She went down and put away the cars. She walked D.O.G. and sat on the dock for awhile. Mrs. Richardson had left a hot dinner for them both and she ate alone. Grace looked over the mail, she’d been opening both their mail regardless of who it was addressed to for weeks. The discrepancy in her account had been explained by the bank. She couldn’t even ask Joan about the money and it frustrated her. Joan hadn’t thought twice about transfering the money to Graces account and Grace felt cheapened by it. The wedding had cost a lot and she’d not realized that her dividend check had been reinvested until she’d become hopelessly overdrawn. When she found out about Joan’s arrangements at the bank, she’d felt like a kept woman and was angered in being unable to talk to Joan about it.
Finally, Joan came downstairs looking for her own dinner and Grace prepared it for her. Leaving her to it she cleaned up the dishes and put away the leftovers. Then, not saying a word she poured a glass of wine for each of them. She left one for Joan on the table and left the room. Joan thought Grace must be angry with her. She usually tried to engage her in conversation about things she had no idea over. She finished her meal and enjoyed the wine. She rinsed her plate and silverware and put them in the dishwasher. Lonely now she went downstairs and found Grace watching the news. She grabbed one of the last books that she had read. She’d read almost all of them by now and sat at the end of the couch with the rest of her wine. Grace never said a thing.
Grace was trying to formulate what she wanted to say in her mind. She certainly didn’t want to leave the relationship. She wanted Joan the way she was but if that wasn’t possible she wanted to start again. Start anew. It would require Joan’s cooperation though. She wasn’t certain that could be obtained. Finishing up the news Grace turned off the TV and turned on some music. Sitting on the couch she poured another glass of wine and offered some to Joan who accepted. Then taking a deep breath she started to talk to Joan who had put down the book she hadn’t been really reading to pick up her wine.
Grace told Joan what she had been feeling. How sad she was that Joan didn’t talk to her. Didn’t ask questions. Didn’t confide. She was sorry about today and wished Joan had been able to call her. She mentioned she thought perhaps that Joan didn’t want her around. At no time did she mention the confidences that Kim had given her. She didn’t want Joan to feel defensive. She explained that she would like to start over. Perhaps, if Joan was willing they could get to know one another again. If Joan didn’t want her to sleep in the bedroom any longer she would move down to the guest room. Grace hated even bringing that up but felt she had to be fair.
Joan listened to it all. She waited until Grace was through and then began herself. She too was sorry that she didn’t feel comfortable with Grace. She was afraid of her. At this Grace asked why? Her face red Joan explained about finding the toys, she assured Grace she hadn’t been snooping, just looking for something to read and found the drawer of them. Grace explained that they were for when they were in the mood to use them, not all the time but sometimes they found they needed extra stimulation. If she wanted, Grace could remove them. They discussed various things that had bothered Joan. Joan had not in the past months since she woke up even spoke this much with Jason. She didn’t know if it was the wine but tonight she felt relaxed enough to talk with this kind woman who had been so very patient.. The bottom line was that she too would like to start over. Perhaps as friends and who knew where that would go. She didn’t want Grace to move out of the bedroom. She didn’t feel it would be fair as it was her bedroom too.
Grace felt the air at least had been cleared. Smiling she told Joan so. Joan agreed and then yawned loudly. Grace said she was heading to bed and turned off the stereo. Joan followed along. That night they chatted awhile before turning out the lights and going to sleep. For once Joan didn’t feel too uncomfortable at sharing the bed with another woman. She still wore sweats to bed but Grace had never even made a pass at her, so why worry?
Joan woke up to find that Grace had her arm around her holding her close in spoon fashion. At first she panicked but then she realized that Grace was
totally relaxed in sleep. Inching out from under her arm she got out of bed. Looking down at Grace from what she could see in the early morning moonlight Joan watched her sleep for awhile. Thinking over their talk she realized she had been so wound up about Grace that she had never really given her a chance. Never asked her about anything in their previous relationship. She decided that would have to change. It wasn’t fair to either of them. She may not know this person but she had to give it a chance. She had obviously loved this person once, could she again? As the sun came up Joan went downstairs to make some breakfast.
Over the next week or so Joan spent less time avoiding Grace. When the boys or their spouses came by Joan asked them about Grace as well. For once she was taking an interest in their stories. She no longer just listened but asked questions. Slowly an idea of who Joan Woods had been began to take shape. She wasn’t sure that she could be that person again. She wasn’t sure she wanted to be that person again. She found the person they talked about to be intimidating, self centered, and not someone she was sure she could live up to. One day while Grace was at work she started reading over the notes for the second book. Grace and the boys had explained that the first book was put on indefinite hold until further notice. For lack of anything else to read Joan began reading the notes which were apparently in her own handwriting. When she came to the notes about the sketches for the portrait GRACE she was surprised at the feelings they generated in herself. It was obvious how hurt she had once been and making that painting had been a way to exorcise some of the feelings. The further notes explaining her love for Grace blew Joan’s mind. It was so beautiful. The portrait was such a tribute. She had totally underestimated the relationship. She hadn’t understood.
SHIPS CompanionSHIP, FriendSHIP, RelationSHIP Page 36
