I want to sigh. It sounds so old-fashioned. And wonderful. In my dating days, an evening was considered romantic if the guy paid for the movie without trying to cop a feel afterward. How did my generation miss the boat? The one with champagne, candlelight and a string quartet?
“When I was young,” Mother continues, “the boys pursued the girls, not vice versa. At least not in such an obvious way like I see today. We didn’t call them on the phone or chase after them. A young man came to a girl’s house and met her family before any dating went on.” She pauses to give us The Look. “And I might add that he came to the front door.”
Erin tucks her lower lip between her teeth, and for a second, I sense a silent message passing between my mother and my daughter. But then a memory hits me full force, and I realize the message is for me, not Erin.
“Oh, I get it.” I lean against the counter and cross my arms. “You’re taking up where Dad left off, is that it? You’re not ever going to let me forget about that time when I was seventeen and he caught Dave Baldwin outside my bedroom window.”
“According to your father, the boy reeked of beer.” Mother chuckles. “Harry was fit to be tied.”
“You can say that again.” Shaking my head, I look sideways at Erin. My laugh sounds nervous even to me; I hope she doesn’t notice. “And after your grandpop put the fear of God into poor Dave, he tore into me like I was the one who’d been drinking beer. Which, by the way, Dave hadn’t been drinking, either.” It was strawberry wine. “I never convinced your granddad of that, though.”
Mother joins us at the sink. “He thought—”
“I know, I know, he thought I was going out the window.” I glance at my daughter again. She’s reading the instructions on the dishwashing detergent, which strikes me as odd, but lately everything she does strikes me as odd, so I blow it off. “Just so you know, Erin, I wasn’t about to sneak out.” Not that night, anyway. “Dave and I were just talking. But your granddad never believed that, either. And for the rest of his life, he never tired of teasing me about it.”
“Suzanna and I are going back to the mall to look for a concert dress tonight,” Erin says, as if she hasn’t heard a word of our story.
“What about See Dick Run?” Erin and I always watch the popular reality-TV program together on Wednesday nights. Without fail. The show is completely ridiculous. Twenty steroid-enhanced jocks compete in physical challenges to win a week in paradise with a life-sized, walking, talking, breathing blow-up doll. At least, I’m convinced her head is full of air. But Erin loves the show, so I pretend I do, too. It’s one of the few routines we still share. And, okay, I’ll come clean; I’m caught up in it, too. It’s silly fun.
“Would you tape it for me?” Erin talks over her shoulder as she hurries out of the kitchen. “I don’t have time to watch tonight.”
“Sure.” I try to sound unaffected. “Don’t forget it’s a school night. Be home by nine.”
“Nine-thirty,” she calls from the entry hall. “The mall doesn’t even close until nine.”
“You know the rules.”
“Jeez!” The front door squeaks open; I hear the rustle of her jacket as she slips it on. “Whatever.”
The door slams, and I feel the distance growing between us in more than just a physical way.
At the sink, I rinse the dishcloth, avoiding my mother’s gaze.
“About that incident with Dave at the window,” she says.
“Good grief, are we back to that?” I wring out the cloth, then gather a stack of mail from the counter and shuffle through it. “It happened twenty-some-odd years ago. Could we just forget it?”
“Maybe you shouldn’t forget such things. What’s that you always say? What goes around comes around?”
“If you’re implying what I think you are, Mother, don’t worry about it. Erin’s a hundred times smarter and more levelheaded than I was at seventeen. She isn’t the least bit boy crazy.”
Hoping to escape a lecture, I take the mail and head for the backyard.
The patio light provides enough of a glow that I’m able to read.
Max looks up from his bowl and blinks at me, then returns his attention to his food.
I settle into a wicker chair, flip through the mail again, then place all but one piece on the patio table. The evening is cool, but not uncomfortable. It’s already dark out, but I don’t care; I’m numb and blind to everything except the texture of the expensive envelope beneath my fingertips and the return address in the upper left corner. Gosset, Dusseldorf and Klein.
Shooing away a fly, I turn the envelope over to open it, but can’t bring myself to lift the flap. “This is it, Max,” I say, eliciting a tiny moan from him. He stops munching and trots over. “The end of life as I knew it. No more Bert. Hurray!” My throat tightens. Erin might as well be gone, too. From now on, it’ll just be Mother and me.
It won’t be so bad, I tell myself. Who needs men anyway? Who can trust ’em? I’ll learn to knit. That’s something Mother and I can do together. Night after night. In front of the television. Wheel of Fortune. Mother will cook delicious meals for me. What better way to fill the emptiness than with smothered steak and buttermilk biscuits? Blackberry cobbler? She might even make my favorite chocolate éclairs. I’ll gain so much weight that I have to buy my clothing at the tent and awning store. Which won’t be an issue anymore since I won’t be trying to impress a man. Think how comfy I’ll be. How content. Fat and happy.
And alone. With Mother.
Max yelps. I look down at him. He tilts his head to one side. His brown eyes appear sympathetic.
“I’m sorry Max.” I sniff. “It won’t be just Mother and me. I’ll have you, too. Since Dad’s gone, you’re the only male in my life worth bothering with, anyway. At least you don’t leave dirty underwear on the bedroom floor.”
His butt wiggles, like he’s trying to wag his nubby tail.
“Your ass is cute, too. And you never expect me to kiss it.”
He nuzzles his cold nose against my hand. “In fact, you’re the best-looking guy I’ve seen in a long time.” As I size him up, I have to admit, he is. His coat is smooth and shiny, his body looks strong, his eyes are sad, but clear. He comes from a long line of prize-winning English bulldogs, and it shows.
“I think you’ve got potential, Max,” I say, perking up a bit. “A good-looking stud like you? I bet if your services were for sale, every bulldog hussy this side of the Mississippi would be panting at your doghouse door. Someone in this family besides Bert might as well get some action.” At least I’d get paid for Maxwell’s philandering.
Max prisses over to the grass.
“Another point in your favor. You don’t leave the toilet seat up when you pee.”
He hunkers down.
“Really though, Max.” I swat at a fly. “You might want to start lifting your leg. I don’t know what the hussies would think of a squatting stud.”
When Max finishes his business and comes back over, I scratch between his ears. “I might even enter you in one of those stuffy shows. I bet you’d take home the blue ribbon.”
With one final scratch to Max’s head, I return my focus to the envelope. I open it, pull the paperwork out, unfold it, then set it aside, facedown. Why not see what else came in the mail and put off the inevitable? I make my way through bills, flyers, an invitation to a party to celebrate an associate’s twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Good for her. Thanks for rubbing it in. I reach for an envelope from Erin’s school. The letter inside is for parents of seniors. A meeting’s planned next week to discuss graduation plans; announcements, caps and gowns, the class party. Already.
A wave of sadness sweeps over me.
Erin. She’s not a little girl anymore. But she’s not as grown up as she thinks she is, either. She’s pulling away from me, but still requires my guidance. More than ever. But I need a different approach now that she’s older.
With a sigh, I return to the legal papers. Can’t put them off forever.
Maybe I’ve been looking at this divorce all wrong. Maybe it’s a new beginning rather than an ending. A chance to discover new interests. To rediscover old ones. To do something for me, for a change. I should redefine my relationship with Erin, focus more on my career, spend more time with Mother. Can’t all that be enough?
When I flip to the last page, Bert’s signature jumps out at me. Then mine. I suck in a breath of cool air.
My tears taste salty and bittersweet as I stare at the document that ends my old life and launches a new one.
New and improved.
CHAPTER 6
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Date: 11/6 Thursday
Subject: Judd
Hang up your phone! I’ve been trying to call you! I’m hyperventilating! He’s coming over again! Right now! If you get this message, call me on my cell at midnight in case I need an escape. ~ Erin
Stuffing my phone into my jean pocket, I hurry to the closet and look inside. What was I after? I scan the shoes on the floor, the clothes on hangers. My mind whirls, my heartbeat’s skipping. I am seriously having a panic attack.
I tug off my girly pajamas, the ones Nana gave me for Christmas last year, and wiggle into my newest pair of hip-hugger jeans, the skintight T-shirt I bought yesterday, and a pair of pink rubber flip-flop thongs.
After hurrying into my bathroom, I get started on my face. Blush on my cheeks. A little red lipstick, then a whole lot more. I blot my lips on a square of toilet tissue then apply mascara. Several coats. My hand shakes so much that the wand bumps my cheek, smearing black across it. “Not now!” I snarl, as I reach for the toilet paper roll again and knock over a perfume bottle. It clatters as it falls, making my heart thump all the harder. The last thing I need is to wake up Mom or Nana.
When my cheek is finally clean, I bend over at the waist and ruffle my hair, then straighten again and spray it. I step back and take another long look at myself in the mirror. Something’s not right…something…I glance down at my chest. The jellyfish!
I return to the closet and put on a bra, then find the silicone inserts I borrowed from Suz’s sister. When they’re in place, I check my reflection again.
A girl I don’t recognize stares back at me. A girl with wild hair, too much makeup and a big set of ta-tas, as Suz always calls them. A phony. A fake. A Britney Spears clone with brown hair instead of blond. Exactly the kind of girl I can’t stand. So why am I doing this?
I cross my arms, turn away from my reflection. Because I’m sick of being boring, straight-laced Erin. Because I’m tired of sitting home with Mom while everyone else is out having fun. Because Judd wouldn’t give the real me a second look.
Judd. Judd Henderson.
I met him Saturday night at The Beat. He’s twenty, about to be twenty-one, a junior at North Texas. He thinks I’m also twenty, and that I’m a junior at S.M.U. At the club, he didn’t look twice at Suz, though she stood right beside me. He walked straight over and asked me to dance.
We danced all night. Then, when his ride was leaving and he had to go, he kissed me. Nothing major, just brushed his mouth against mine and said he’d call.
He did. Night before last at ten. I almost died. He wanted to come over so I had to come up with an excuse really fast. I said I was sick. Strep throat.
He said he was sorry and promised not to kiss me. Not on the lips, anyway.
Just the thought of him kissing me again anywhere, especially with Mom and Nana close by, almost gave me explosive diarrhea, so I said that, according to the doctor, the strep throat was highly contagious and he shouldn’t even come in the house.
So what did he do? He came to my window.
Like, how romantic is that? Totally romantic, if you ask me, no matter what Nana says. I’m pretty sure she hinted about Judd yesterday in front of Mom. She must’ve seen him at my window. At least she didn’t come right out and say it. Which I can hardly believe.
Anyway, for maybe the best forty-five minutes of my life, Judd smoked cigarettes and talked to me in a low voice through the window screen. He told me he likes how I act all quiet and shy, but my look says something different. I didn’t tell him that my “look” is the act, and that quiet and shy is the real me.
Before he left, Judd laughed and said hanging outside my bedroom window made him feel like he was back in high school. I said it did me, too. Then I remembered that I am in high school, and I felt even phonier than I do now.
Judd promised to call again to check on me and, a half hour ago, he did. Since I can’t pretend to be sick forever, and he’d probably think it weird that a twenty-year-old woman would have to sneak out of the house to meet a guy, I told him Mom caught my strep throat and that the house is still pretty much off-limits. So, I’m meeting him out front at eleven-thirty.
Except for the strip of light beneath Mom’s bedroom door, the hallway outside my room is quiet and dark. I decide it might be safer to go out my window again instead of risking her hearing the front door open and close. That way, I won’t have to worry about the security alarm, either. I duck back into my room and lock myself in. What I’m really doing, though, is locking Mom and Nana out.
Ten minutes later I’m beside Judd inside his pickup truck, which is parked at the curb in front of my house with the engine and headlights off.
Judd turns down the music. “You sure you don’t want to go somewhere?”
I shake my head. “I still have homework to do. I can’t stay out long.”
He pulls a pack of cigarettes off the dash and offers me one.
“No, thanks.” I point at my neck. “The strep. I mean, I’m well and everything, but I don’t want to push it yet.”
“Oh, yeah. I forgot. I won’t smoke, either, I guess.” He tosses the pack back where he found it. “Sorry I didn’t call yesterday. School and work have been kicking my ass.”
“Where’d you say you work?”
“At the convenience store on campus.” Judd reaches across the seat, tucks my hair behind my ear. “Just part-time. Until I graduate.”
“Oh.” I nibble my lower lip. Oh? Oh? Why can’t I think of anything else to say? It’s like my mind erased the second he touched me. “I don’t work.”
“Maybe you should.” He smiles. “Then you could rent a place with some friends and we wouldn’t have to sit out in front of your mom’s like a couple of teenagers.” He looks out the window at the house then shifts back to me, tracing the curve of my ear with a fingertip. “Let’s go for a ride. I passed by a park on the way here.”
My heart does a backflip. “I can’t. Really.”
I have the strangest feeling. Like there’s this hum of energy between us, a current of electricity stretching from Judd to me, connecting us. Being this close to him makes me excited and freaked at the same time, though I don’t know what I’m freaked about. It’s not like we weren’t even closer on the dance floor Saturday night. But this feels different. Tonight, we’re alone.
Judd takes my hand and jerks his head, nodding me over. “Come here.”
I scoot across the seat, closer to him. He puts his arm around me, and I tilt my head back and gaze up at him. No guy has ever looked at me the way he is, like he’s seeing me inside out and naked and memorizing every detail. I could fall right into his dark, narrowed eyes, but something tells me I’d never find my way out again. I don’t want to turn away, but I’m afraid not to, afraid I’ll lose myself, as weird as that sounds. So I move my focus to his lips. They’re not too thin, not too full, nicely shaped, parted a little. Beneath the lower one, there’s a soft shadow of beard stubble.
When I got into the car, I was sort of cold, but I’m not cold now; that’s not why I shiver. His fingers stroke my arm, right beneath my shoulder, scattering goose bumps across my skin and making the muscles in my stomach pull tight.
“Erin,” he says, and then his mouth is on mine, soft and firm at the same time, warm, drawing me in, tasting of cinnamon gum and menthol as our br
eaths mix. It’s not like I’ve never been kissed before; I have. But never like this, like I’ve stepped onto a roller coaster and there’s no stopping it, no turning back. My control is whisked away on a rush of air while another part of me comes alive. The world outside blurs until the only things vivid are Judd and me; the texture of his hair between my fingers, the pull of his cinnamon lips and musky male scent, a soft scrape of beard against my cheek.
Quiet, insistent sounds come from deep in his throat. He shifts our positions so that I slide down some, my head pressed into the seat back, and he is centered between the dash and me. I feel surrounded, enclosed, cocooned by his hard body, his arms. His warm, dry hand cups my chin then skims my face, across my collarbone, my shoulder, down the side of my breast. Before I realize what he has in mind, his fingers inch beneath my T-shirt and he’s touching my stomach, making my body hum and vibrate…vibrate….
I jerk back, away from Judd, into reality. I reach for my buzzing jean pocket. Talk about good timing.
Judd frowns and leans back. “What’s that?”
“My phone. I…um…turned off the ringer.” My hands shake as I pull it from my pocket and push the talk button. “Hello?”
“Erin?” Suz. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cringe when I think what might’ve happened if she hadn’t called.
I understand now what it means to be swept away, like they always say in the romance novels I’ve started reading. When Judd kissed me, I felt I could only hold on tight and hope to land safely, like he pushed all the buttons, controlled the speed, decided if my heart beat faster or slower. While I was caught up in his taste and scent, in the magic his hands made, losing my self-control felt like a rush. But now that I’m able to think again, it scares me, too.
I slide closer to the door. “Oh, hi Mom. What’s wrong?”
“Are you okay? You sound—Ohmigod! He’s with you right now, isn’t he? Were you—”
“No, that’s okay.” I glance at Judd. He stares at me and rakes a hand through his hair. “I’ll be right in.”
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