Sophia spoke first asking what had happened. I didn’t know if I could tell them without breaking down again, but I had to try. They didn’t come all the way over here for me to clam up now.
I told them everything that had happened between us, even what he said to push me away. I almost broke down again when I got to that part, but I held it together.
Sophia wanted to murder him. It was almost comical to see her rant and rave about how he was a selfish asshole. Her words not mine. Jeremiah looked torn. I knew that he didn’t want to be in the middle of it because they were also friends and that was okay with me. Just knowing that he was here for me was enough.
Nathan, on the other hand, wasn’t showing any emotion. He was just staring at me. The look he was giving me almost made me want to turn away from him. He shocked me when he pulled me down off the couch and settled me into his lap. This was a little awkward, but I didn’t say anything. I just wanted to be held right now and it felt nice knowing that he cared enough to give me what I needed. I didn’t have feelings for him or anything like that, but I’d never seen this side of him before. He was usually the big bad rocker, not this sweet and caring man.
Resting my head on his shoulder, he rocked us back and forth on the floor. Exhaustion was starting to take over from the stressful events of the day. The last thing I remembered before sleep came was Nathan whispering in my ear that he would always be here for me whenever I needed him.
***
Matt
Storming out of her house wasn’t the answer, but I couldn’t take her constant pushing on the subject. Was it wrong for me to lie to her? Probably so. I just couldn’t take the look in her eyes that I knew would be there when I told her why I ran from my life. Was I a coward? Definitely. You could even call me a hypocrite because I was. I wanted her to open up to me and she finally did, but when she asked me what I was running from, I just froze. I needed her to change the subject, but she just wouldn’t give up. At that moment, I was missing the shy Emily that I had first met. The Emily who wouldn’t press people for information because she was too scared to reveal her own.
I made it back to my place and just sat in the truck in front of my apartment. I knew that I had messed up, but I couldn’t take it back now. I just can’t let her in. I’m not ready yet. I may never be ready. I don’t think I could speak the words out loud to explain it all. I did enough explaining back home. At least here no one knew enough to press me for information. That’s the thing that I loved about living in this new state.
I laid my head down on the steering wheel and tried to breathe through my panic. I couldn’t believe that the woman that I had fought so hard for was gone right now. I wanted nothing more than for her to be in my arms, but she just wouldn’t stop. Who did she think she was? I never pressed her for information. I let her tell me in her own time. Why couldn’t she do the same for me? I hated feeling that I was backed into a corner, so I did the one thing I knew that would make her stop. I said things that I couldn’t take back.
I reached for my phone to text Jeremiah. I needed to go to the bar and drink this night away. He texted back that he couldn’t go because he was at Emily’s. That didn’t surprise me. They were friends first after all. I debated asking him how she was for about ten minutes before I finally gave in and sent a text.
Jeremiah: She’s hurting man. What did you do that for?
Me: She backed me into a corner and I reacted. I can’t tell her man. I just can’t.
Jeremiah: Well, you better be ready to lose her then.
He was right. I just couldn’t open myself up to her like that. I wondered who all was over there so I just came out and asked him. I didn’t have the right to know, but I wanted to know if Nathan was swooping in to save the day. She couldn’t see his feelings for her, but I sure could.
He responded back within minutes that Sophia and Nathan were there as well.
I fucking knew it. I knew he would use this as an opportunity. What the fuck did I do?
Getting out of the truck, I went into my apartment heading straight for the kitchen, I pulled out the bottle of Jack Daniels. I was just going to drink my problems away for the night and deal with whatever came tomorrow. I just hoped that I didn’t lose her for good.
The next morning I woke up with a massive hangover. It’s what I deserved after consuming all of that alcohol last night. I reluctantly got out of bed and went to use the bathroom and brush my teeth.
I needed to escape. Escape all of the feelings that were building up inside of me all over again. I put on some sweats, a t-shirt, socks, and running shoes. Grabbing my hoodie from the closet in the living room, I went out the door.
I ran for hours trying to exhaust my body and mind. It worked on exhausting my body, but my mind was still racing a mile a minute.
I was angry. Angry because she just had to push the issue. Angry because I said the things that I did. Most of all, I was angry because I probably just lost the woman that I loved. If she hadn’t pushed me, I wouldn’t have felt the need to react. I would have told her it all eventually, but with the one-year anniversary looming around the corner, I just couldn’t talk about it.
I needed to figure out a plan because I just couldn’t see how any of this was going to work its way out. I knew that she wouldn’t accept me back until I was ready to confess it all. The only problem with that was I didn’t see myself confessing my demons to her anytime soon. Now it was time to face the music. I was the one who walked away. The only question now was could I live my life without her in it?
Chapter 18: Showing Him Who’s Boss
Emily
I knew something was wrong with me, but I couldn’t focus on that right now. I needed to get my thoughts off of that handsome detective and have a little fun. I’ve slowly been coming out of my shell and it feels amazing. I had texted Sophia earlier in the day asking what she wanted to get into tonight. I wasn’t going to drink or anything, but I knew one thing. I needed to get out of this house because if I sat here by myself any longer I was going to drown in my thoughts of him and what went wrong. I knew I pushed him too hard. I knew I should have let him tell me in his own time. I just thought that he needed a little push to get there. Well, it turned out that pushing him was the wrong answer. Now he was gone and we were back to avoiding each other. We were back to being civil when we had to be at work and nothing else. No texts. No calls. No emails. No other form of communication. Honestly, I missed him more than anything. I’d give anything to just have my friend back. It just didn’t look like that was going to happen. Now I was just going to keep my head held high and go on the best way I knew how. I just didn’t know how much longer I could take this silence from him. I knew one thing for sure though. I wasn’t going to contact him first. He made himself very clear. He would have to come to me.
Sophia said she was dying to hear me sing again so we were heading to a karaoke bar. For some reason, it’s what I needed. I used music as an outlet and I needed to let loose and lose myself in the music and singing a song.
I got ready for the evening making sure that I looked good, but not good enough to attract too much attention and headed for the door. I could do this. I didn’t need him to make me stronger. I was getting there all on my own before he came into my life and I would continue getting there without him. I just didn’t know if I wanted to do it without him.
Getting there took no time at all considering the traffic was pretty light. I sat there in the car for a few minutes to collect my thoughts. I had managed to half way convince myself that I wasn’t going to let this man distract me any longer. I was going to go out and have fun. No more waiting around for him.
Walking in, I spotted Sophia at a table. I smiled to myself thinking about how much this woman has had to put up with me over the years and how she never backed down or gave up on me. I knew that I needed her in my life and was proud of myself for finally opening up around her. She doesn’t know anything about what happened, but that’s just who Sophi
a is. She doesn’t ask the wrong questions or press for answers. She just goes with the flow. I wish I could be more like her, but I’m the type of person who needs all of the answers.
I walked over to her and sat down. She had already ordered us a round of shots and drinks even though I told her I wasn’t going to be drinking tonight. That’s another reason why I loved her. She knows what I need before I know myself. One shot and one drink wouldn’t hurt, I thought to myself.
I took a shot and chased it with my drink allowing the burn to go down my throat. I needed this to loosen up and allow myself to have fun.
“So Sophia, I want to make a pact right here and now.”
“What’s that, Em?”
“Tonight is about us girls. No men allowed.”
“Anything for you, babe. Done.”
We drank our drink as we talked about random topics and how well the other singers were doing. She had already added my name to the list and I was going to be singing soon. I was lost in my own thoughts when she spoke, breaking me from my trance.
“Ummmm…. Emily don’t look now, but Matt and Jeremiah are by the bar getting drinks.”
Damnit. He just couldn’t stay away from the one place that he knew that I could show up at. What was his game? I glanced over my shoulder, stealing a peek at him. He looked almost happy; which pissed me off. Here I was sitting here dwelling on how bad I’d screwed things up and he’s out with his friends seeming to be having a blast. He hasn’t noticed us yet and I’m hoping it stayed that way. At least until my new found plan was put into motion.
“I’ll be right back,” I stated.
Walking over to the guy manning the karaoke machine, I asked him if he had a song that I recently heard. I was going to show him once and for all what my feelings were over what happened and this time he was going to listen. Lucky for me I was up next and the man had the song. The girl finished hers and stepped off the stage. I had asked him not to say my name and just motion for me when it was time. I didn’t want him to know I was up there. I wanted him shocked, but most off all, I hoped he stayed to listen.
When I got the signal from the man and walked onto the stage, I smiled up at Sophia. A smile that would let her know that I was up to no good. The song that I was about to sing was meaningful and the words were perfect for what had happened to us. I glanced around and found him and Jeremiah a few tables away from the stage. He was staring at Jeremiah listening to something he was saying. Then Jeremiah looked up at the stage with wide eyes. I gently shook my head letting him know that he needed to keep quiet. That’s when the music started.
The song that I chose was “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus. I typically didn’t like her music, but this song was extremely fitting. I started singing the first verse while looking in his direction the entire time. I wanted to see the look on his face when he figured out it was me. By the time I got to the second line of the first verse, he looked up at the stage. He had figured out it was me singing. The painful expression in his eyes killed me but not enough to stop singing. I needed to get these words out before I didn’t have the courage to sing them anymore. He needed to know that I was sorry.
By the time that I got to the chorus, he was still staring at me and I was close to breaking down. I needed to keep my composure and get through the rest of the song. He needed to hear that I was sorry and that didn’t come till the end. He also needed to keep his eyes on me so he could see that I meant every word. He’s always been able to read me through my eyes, just like I’ve been able to do with him. I needed him more than ever now to see what my expression held. The apology, the sorrow, but most of all, the love that was held in the depth of my eyes.
By the time I got to the final parts of the song, I was close to tears. The apology part was coming and I needed to remain strong. I continued to sing to him. Holding his gaze the entire time, I poured every ounce of emotion that was held inside me into the last verse. By the time it ended, I couldn’t hold them back any longer. This time I let them fall. I let them fall for all of the lost moments that we’ve missed out on in the past two weeks and the ones we may never get to have. Walking off the stage, I went over to the table to grab my things. I couldn’t be in the same place with him any longer. I knew I should confront him now that I had his attention, but I couldn’t stand the thought of the rejection that may occur. This time I wasn’t running. This time I was holding my head high and walking away because I needed to show him what he was missing when he sees me walk away from him this time.
***
Matt
These past two weeks have been hell. I really want to see her, hold her, tell her I love her; however, that just can’t happen. She wants to know my demons. The funny thing is I want to tell her. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how she will react to what they are. To what haunts me every day. I just can’t bring myself to open up to her the way she wants. I know that makes me a hypocrite, but so be it. I didn’t push her to open up to me so she should have just let it go, but she couldn’t. She just had to know and the end result was me pushing her away. I am avoiding her at all costs. I couldn’t bear to see the hurt in her eyes and for her to see mine. I go to work and come home and that’s about it. I need to get out of this house and try to move on. I was glad that Jeremiah had texted me earlier today to ask if we could hit up a karaoke bar tonight. I knew that would bring back memories of her singing, but she most likely wouldn’t be there so I told him I was game.
After work, I headed home to shower and change. I hoped tonight would allow me to mellow out and have fun just for a few hours. Until I came back home and all of my thoughts were consumed of her yet again. After showering and changing, I texted Jeremiah that I would be heading that way. I got there and went inside to search for him. I found him waiting at the bar for his drink. I walked over allowing myself to take a few breaths to calm my thoughts.
“Hey, man. Thanks for inviting me out tonight.”
“No problem. You looked like you could use a night out on the town.”
“Yeah, I could,” I laughed.
The bartender came over with Jeremiah’s drink and asked what my poison was. I ordered a Jack and Coke and my thoughts immediately went to Emily. She was a dark liquor kind of girl. I quickly shook off those thoughts because tonight was a night where she wasn’t going to enter my head at all. The bartender brought me my drink and we made our way over to one of the empty tables.
We made small talk about what we were currently working on and how the singers were doing tonight. I needed this more than he knew. I knew he was wondering about Emily and me, but I was thankful he wasn’t bringing her up. I was talking about one of the cases I was trying to figure out and he looked away for a moment. I was wondering why he was making that face, but I brushed it off. He was always one to not be expressive in any way so I decided that maybe he was lost in thought.
That was until I heard that voice.
I knew that voice, but I didn’t want to look up. I couldn’t face her, but it was calling to me. I decided a quick peak wouldn’t hurt and looked to the stage. She was staring at me while she performed. A song I knew that was meant for me. I found myself unable to look away while she sang. The words of the song were gutting me, but I couldn’t allow myself to show those emotions. She may read too much into them and I couldn’t have her being hopeful in something that just couldn’t be. Not until I was ready to come clean about what my demons were. As the last part came, she gave it her all. She was apologizing to me, but the question was why? I understood that she wanted to help me. Maybe she was apologizing for pushing me too far. She picked the perfect song to express her emotions. It killed me to know that I was the one who wrecked her. She had just started to trust again and let people in and what did I do? I walked away from her all because I couldn’t bring myself to face her and tell her what really brought me to Maine. When it ended, I saw the tears streaming down her face. I wanted to go to her badly, but decided to remain in my seat. She exited the stage
and I followed her path to the table she shared with Sophia. I thought she would just continue with her night, but it looked like she was going to leave. She picked up her purse and said something to Sophia, then she looked back towards me with the most painful expression on her face. There were tears flowing down her cheeks and it broke me a little more. She turned to walk away, squaring her shoulders and lifting her head high. This time I would watch her walk away, but I didn’t know if I could do that.
I went to get up to follow her out, but Jeremiah stopped me by grabbing my arm.
“I don’t think you should go after her. She’s hurting right now and you guys might say things you don’t mean,” he stated.
I knew he was right, but I didn’t want her hurting over me. Sitting back down, I took a big gulp of my drink. Consuming more alcohol was what I needed to get her pained expression out of my head. She told me once that she was broken and damaged. I just hoped that I didn’t break her down and damage her any more than what she already was.
I needed to clear my mind from what just occurred and reminded myself that it was better this way, even though it killed me inside. I loved that woman, but love wasn’t enough to get me to tell the truth. I could barely think about what happened, let alone tell her. For now, wallowing in my misery would have to be enough and the thoughts that consume me at night of our time together. All I have left are the memories of the past few months. I did the one thing that she told me would make her leave. Lying and breaking my promise to her was the only way I could get her to drop it.
I broke myself out of my thoughts and looked over at Jeremiah, who was just staring at me. I knew he was wondering what in the world just happened, but all I could do was shake my head. Talking about it wasn’t an option. All I wanted to do was drink away my problems, even though they would still be here tomorrow. I was going to allow myself tonight to not think about what I’d done and just have fun. Or so I thought.
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