by Jessica Cruz
“I just met you,” he said running a hand through his dark hair. I didn’t budge. I just sat and waited. “Fine,” he looked from side to side, “I think maybe twenty-five or so. I’m not sure exactly, but that sounds about right without me naming all the girls.”
He never asked me for my number, and I didn’t offer it. The table became eerily quiet. Franco came back a couple times to ask us how things were going. Every time he did so, I ordered a new martini in order to find a way to make this evening bearable. Finally, I got to this point where I could really feel the alcohol running in my veins, showing my true relation to Isabel. Wes was looking a lot cuter. I suddenly wanted to know genuine information about him.
I asked coolly, “So what was your last relationship like?”
“She cheated on me,” he muttered. He was quiet now. I had insulted him with my boldness and current state of drunkenness, but if he was like any other guy I had met, I was sure he’d get over it quickly. His lust for my large, doctor enhanced breasts would persuade him to man up and stop bitching. As far as I was concerned, he was a toy, and I wanted to play games. Surprisingly, even after the lengthy silence, he continued. “We were together for almost a year, and one night she came over to my place. She sat down, dead silent. I asked her what was wrong, and she burst into tears. She kept saying she made a ‘mistake.’ Then, she finally admitted that she got drunk the night before and hooked up with some guy. That was the end of that.”
“I’m sorry,” I replied instantly. I started feeling all my emotions too hard. I just wanted to kiss whatever pain he had away. Fuck, these martinis were taking over. “I’ve never been cheated on, but I can imagine what that pain must feel like.”
“It’s old news. How did your last relationship go?” He looked passed me, outside the windows to the crowded Philadelphia streets. I was no longer his center of attention. I’m pretty sure he was just tolerating me until the bill came.
I gulped and fidgeted. The air changed between us. Wes was still polite, but it felt like he checked out of this dinner officially now. I did not like that at all. Men drooled for me. Hell, our waiter had been checking me out all night, but Wes didn’t want me anymore. I could feel it. I was no longer the girl he spotted in the lobby of my apartment building. I was so great at fucking these things up. I let Isabel ruin my night even when she wasn’t physically here to have any type of impact on anything that was going on.
“I’ve never had a real relationship,” I leaned forward, so he could peak down my dress, a last ditched effort of desperation. He seemed uninterested, and I blushed from embarrassment, fixing my stance. Shit, what was wrong with me? I had officially lost control. I whispered and eyed him seductively. “I’m still waiting for that right guy.”
“Hopefully, you find him,” he said through a harsh tone with a blank expression. His face was hard, beautiful stone. I wanted him so bad.
This was not a fun feeling. We spent the rest of the dinner eating in mostly silence. The bill came, and he paid. That was a good sign, right? It meant this was still a date. I prayed for the little bit of hope left despite the lack of spark between us.
When we got outside, he waved down a taxi for us. I leaned close to him on the cloth seats, running my fingers along his thigh, but he responded by grabbing my hand and then setting it back on my lap. A horrible pain twisted in my stomach after that. I felt utterly and pathetically mortified.
Once we pulled up to the Hollander, we both stepped out, and he walked me into the lobby. With the exception of the employees, the lobby was relatively vacant. Considering the circumstances, it was rather private here. This was my last chance.
“I had a lot of fun tonight,” I said in a sultry voice, staring at his moist lips. A thrilling jolt of electricity ran up between my legs at the thought of where I wanted those lips to be. I straightened his tie, running my fingers against his hard chest. He shifted awkwardly, and I continued to run my hand down his arm. “Tonight doesn’t have to end.”
Wes didn’t say anything, but I didn’t let that deter me. He really did look handsome. That is one good thing I could say about my mother is she had impeccable taste for men when she put in the effort. I laughed to myself. Men and fashion, yes, Isabel always knew what looked best on me.
Slowly, I leaned forward, ready to kiss him, to take what was mine and prove my irresistible desire. Instantly, he grabbed both my arms within his hands and stopped me. My eyes gaped open. Time froze. A lump formed in my throat. He was rejecting me. No, he couldn’t be. It felt like this was in front of the whole world, like everyone was watching me slowly crumble. I returned to my normal footing and gazed at the beautiful, cruel man still in complete shock.
“Listen, Adriana, I’m not sure we’re meant for each other,” he wasn’t looking at me but rather at the floor. He couldn’t even give me the respect of eye contact as he sent me into a spiraling whirlwind of emotions. “It was a good experience, but I don’t want to give you the wrong impression.” Finally, he looked up at the confused expression on my face but didn’t soften his tone. “I’m sorry if that hurt you.”
To save face, I rolled my eyes and ripped myself from his grasp, “Boys don’t hurt me, Wes. That was strictly out of pity. I was so tired of hearing about you bitch about that ex-girlfriend of yours, so I tried to make your fucking night a little bit better. Now, I understand you’re just a pussy. Maybe that’s why she had to fuck someone else. A girl’s got to get off at some point, and apparently, you couldn’t do the job.”
Wes stared at me with large, hurt eyes that immediately turned cold and unforgiving. He didn’t say anything after that, and honestly, I didn’t expect him to. I almost wondered if he’d punch me in the face after what I said, but who the fuck cared? The little bitch rejected me. He deserved whatever pain he felt.
The doorman, Jeffrey, cleared his throat. I hadn’t realized how close he was standing to us. In a calm but stern tone, Jeffrey said, “Ms. Ward, is everything alright?”
“Everything’s fine,” Wes answered for me in his deep, commanding voice. I glared into his eyes, daring him to say something, to try and defend himself. “I was just leaving. Have a wonderful night, Adriana. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.”
Was he firing me?
Wes turned around and left the lobby without another word. Jeffrey returned back to his post. Tears stung my eyes, threatening to fall. I cursed and stomped into the elevator, like a child.
Once I got up to my apartment, I peeled off my clothes, so I was standing in nothing but my underwear and screamed. I hadn’t been rejected since the days before I was a dancer, since the days when I didn’t have control or sex appeal. I felt like nothing, and the thought clawed at me from the inside out.
I climbed into bed and leaned over the nightstand, pulling open the drawer. I had a blunt ready. I lit the end and sucked in the sweet smoke of marijuana. After a few hits, I started to relax. My blood wasn’t boiling anymore. I put the end out and tucked it back into the drawer.
Fuck you, Wes Holden. Fuck you.
Chapter 4
Gloria lived in a two bedroom apartment with her roommate, Zoe, in the Emerald Light Apartment Building in University City, the college town of Philadelphia. She went to school at Drexel University as a nursing major and liked living near campus. I wish I had known her during freshman year. It would have been nice to crash at her place between classes since University of Pennsylvania was literally down the street from Drexel. I often wondered how different my first year would have been if I had met my best friend sooner.
I sat in her kitchen on a bar stool drinking a coffee we had picked up at Starbucks. That’s what I loved about this city. There was a Starbucks on almost every block to feed my addiction as opposed to the suburbs of New Jersey. In Haddonfield, we had one Starbucks that I had to drive to on my way to school. It was usually packed in the morning, so I’d have to leave extra early. Those were dark times.
“I’m so hungry,” Gloria groaned
while searching through some cabinets. “I really have to go food shopping. Zoe better give me some money soon.”
“How are things going with her?” I asked nonchalantly. I knew Gloria hadn’t been too happy about her living arrangements with Zoe this year. They were winding down to the end of their lease, and Gloria wasn’t sure she was going to renew it. Zoe had been repeatedly late on her half of the rent, and they were fighting all the time. Honestly, I didn’t care much for the girl. She had been kind of a bitch to me the first time we met and remained cold long after. I didn’t know what her problem was, but I stayed out of it because she was Gloria’s roommate and didn’t want to cause any more friction.
“I’m done with her,” Gloria answered. She pulled down a bag of chips and started munching on a few. “She’s staying at her sister’s place in Harrisburg until Thursday. When she gets back, I have to tell her we need to find new places, separately.”
The thought of having a roommate absolutely repulsed me. I loved my personal space, and I hated the idea of considering anyone else’s feelings about where I’m residing. Gloria and Zoe had gotten into some pretty serious fights over the past couple months. I never wanted that for myself. I was happy living on my own.
“So how was your date with that guy?” Gloria asked in between chewing.
Wes Holden, the guy I couldn’t get out of my head and had no right to obsess over. It had been a week since that horrendous date. I woke up the next morning completely depressed that I was waking up alone. I even pranced around my apartment naked, hoping I had lived a lie and this gorgeous man would be in the kitchen waiting for me. Wes was sexy and charming. I had to go screw everything up by letting Isabel’s annoyance factor haunt me. If I was smart enough, I would’ve gotten laid first before I went total bitch mode on him. Crap, I wonder how long it’s been since I’ve had sex. I hadn’t had much time for dates since I worked all the time, and I was utterly repulsed by most of the men that came into Lux.
“It was interesting,” I chugged down my coffee to stall for time. I didn’t want to admit to Gloria that I let Isabel break me down. She hated what my mother could do to me. I had gone seven days without hearing her bitch at me because she had been so busy with school that we hadn’t had much time to hang out, but I knew the time was coming. “We didn’t really click. I don’t think I’m going to see him again.”
“Why?” Gloria put both of her hands on her hips and narrowed her brows in judgment. “You screwed it up. Didn’t you?”
“A little bit,” I answered, tying my hair up into a ponytail. I cringed at the memory of my snotty attitude. What was wrong with me again? “I just wasn’t very nice. He owns a bar. My mom and Dennis met him when they decided to host an event there or something, and, basically, after walking into the room to talk business with him for the first time ever, she decided he should be the one to father my future children.” I rubbed my temples. “That’s how she thinks. The moment she meets a rich, single guy she decides he should get me pregnant as soon as possible. Last month, she asked me when I was going to make her a grandmother. I’m nineteen. Give me a fucking break.”
“Your mom’s adorable,” Gloria laughed. I hated when she said that. It was true for her though. My mom and Gloria got along great. It made me sick. I often kept them separated in order to keep my own sanity. “She’s probably just sad about how things went with you and Nick. You said this is pretty much the first time that you guys are kind of getting along, so she probably wants to make up for lost time. I bet she’s going to be an awesome grandmother when the day comes.”
“If it comes,” I corrected. “Again, I’m nineteen. I’m not ready to be a mom. Can you imagine if I told Charlie I was pregnant? He’d flip out. I wouldn’t be able to work.”
“That wouldn’t be important,” Gloria said in a soothing voice. “Your mom wants everything for you that come with the baby. Hopefully, you’d be in a stable relationship, and the baby would be good news. You can’t work at Lux forever.” This got me thinking. I had been at Lux for such a short period of time that I hadn’t yet needed to confront the idea of how I was going to make money after my days as a dancer ended. I didn’t want to live off of my family forever like some people in my neighborhood did, and I didn’t want to marry for money either. “I personally can’t wait for the day you pop out my future niece or nephew. I’m going to spoil the shit out of that beautiful, little kid.”
“Well, that won’t be any time soon,” I stretched my arms into the air. Ugh, I was going to have to leave for work soon. “How’s school going? You haven’t been around much.”
“I’m stressed,” Gloria answered. “I have to talk to Charlie. I can’t work Thursdays anymore. I’m only going to be able to do Fridays and Saturdays this semester. There’s just so much work to do. Statistics is hell. I feel like I’m going to crack, and school just started. I don’t get why I need that class anyway.”
“You’ll be fine because you’re brilliant,” I stood up and wrapped my arms around my best friend. “Okay, I have to go to work. I love you. I’ll stop by tomorrow.”
“Pray for me,” she kissed my cheek. “I have a test tonight. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I took the elevator downstairs and walked out the lobby. When I hit the crowded streets, I headed east. I had parked a couple blocks down. For some reason, I always had horrible luck finding parking near Gloria’s, so I always took the first thing I could find.
“Adriana!” Someone called my name. I spun around and looked through the crowd. A familiar faced emerged. It was Bethany Howell. We had played softball together since we were little kids back in Haddonfield, and she went to the University of Pennsylvania, too. She was one of those girls that were living the same life I was living but way better, always showing up at random times to remind me of her picture perfect existence. It’s as if we were taking the same steps through mortality, but I was wearing a beat up pair of Converse sneakers while she tramped around in luxurious Jimmy Choos. Yes, that seemed like the right analogy for what was going on. I sighed. Great, this should be fun. “Hey, I thought it was you! I’d recognize that perfect head of hair anywhere.”
She leaned in to kiss the air in front of my cheek, and I quickly looked her over. Bethany was extremely pale with rose colored lips and large brown eyes. As long as I could remember, she had this long blonde hair that she’d normally keep in a tight braid. From the looks of it, she chopped it all off into one of those pixie cuts. Of course, she’d be one of the few women that had the bone structure to pull it off without even a hint of a problem.
“I can’t believe after all this time this is the first that I’m running into you on campus,” she smirked. “Are you free? Did you want to grab dinner and catch up?”
Bethany left me feeling a little tongue tied. I was scared to hang out with her, but I couldn’t just say no. She was from Haddonfield, too. I was sure I’d see her around, and for that reason, I wanted to say no. What if she found out about my alter-ego? This girl had the potential to ruin my life. She knew everyone I knew.
“Actually, I can’t right now,” I shrugged slightly. I’m sure I looked tense, guarded. I fought with myself to shake that off. “I’m on my way to work to cover for someone. Do you have my number? Maybe we can get something to eat later this week to catch up.”
“Yes, that sounds fantastic. We’ll have to figure out each other’s schedules, so we can meet up,” she said. I forced a smile on my face in response. “I’ll text you tomorrow, so we can figure out a time.” Her eyes turned catlike and piercing. She shot me a devious grin. “You know what I always say. Us Jersey Girls have to stick together.”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t reply to her. My throat closed up, and my heart raced, pumping wildly in my chest. She gave me an extremely awkward hug, and I darted down the street. It felt like everyone was staring at me, like they all knew I had some secret to hide. Fuck, I hated that even the sight of Bethany could do that to me. She always fuc
ked with my head. That would never change.
I spotted my Camaro and hopped inside, completely dreading this meal with Bethany. I couldn’t ditch her because lord knows I’d probably run into her again either in the city or in Haddonfield, but I wanted to. She was the type of girl to ask a lot of questions. I’d have to work to be very careful with my answers because it already felt like she knew.
I groaned in my seat. As I started my car, I grabbed a blunt out of the glove compartment and lit it. It was time to go to work. These were Adriana’s problems. Right now, I had to become Jersey. Without this little fucker, there was no way I’d be able to handle this issue, so I took a deep puff and went about my day.
When I got to the club, there were hundreds of people, drinking, cheering, having a great time. The best and most beautiful dancers graced the stage since an odd number of parties were being held for a weekday night. Then, there was me, feeling totally shitty and miserable after last week.
I had decided that my preoccupation with Wes was mostly about my mother. She had a way of ruining my mood and keeping me down which was not a good position to be in at this place, but I hated that she was capable of doing that to me. I made money off my personality and looks, but I knew I looked depressed just thinking about her power over me. Right now, I was resenting her and myself for allowing that to ruin a potentially good date. Wes was the ghost that was haunting me. Not only did he represent the fucked up relationship I had with Isabel, but he was also the first man to reject me since my new found confidence sprouted. How did that saying go? You always want what you can’t have.
I exhaled slowly and went to the backroom. Jaz and Lilly, a couple girls Gloria introduced me to in the beginning, were snorting a line of coke off the counter of the vanity mirror. Jaz ran the straw down the line, sniffing the powder into her flared nostrils. When she was done, her head hung back, and her breath was shallow. Lilly poured more coke onto the stand and used a blade to straighten out the line. She followed the same act and smirked seductively afterwards. They were constantly getting high; it numbed them. I knew this because I used to get high with them.
