by Tia Louise
“What the fuck!” he shouts, looking up at me.
“Stay the fuck away from Lara!” I shout, and Darby pushes me across the empty backstage area.
“Walk it off!” he yells.
One of the other hands helps him push me to the back door. “Go home and get some rest. Don’t come back until you’ve got it together.”
Digging in my pocket, I find Gavin’s keys and toss them into Darby’s hand. “Give those to Gavin.”
Adrenaline surges through my veins, and I can’t stop shaking. I’m headed away from Bourbon Street, the bar, my bed, and walking fast toward the river. The alley is wet, and streetlights create rainbows in the gasoline-laced puddles. I splash through them until the alley opens, and I’m facing Jackson Square.
The cathedral looms before me, and it’s the same as always, tall, dark, and foreboding. The doors are closed and locked tight. No sanctuary. Crossing the flagstone courtyard, I know I need to ice my hand. The broken bones throb, but the pain is nothing compared to the pain in my chest.
My stomach cramps when I think of what I said to Lara, what she said to me. The image of Freddie kissing her is like a hot iron to my already bleeding heart, and I want to fight more. I want to beat something until I stop feeling this way.
Until I don’t care anymore.
Pulling up short, I realize I’m at the jewelry store. I’m standing in front of the plate-glass window, and that display is glittering in the lights. The shiny pen she said belonged to her mother. My hand goes to the glass, followed closely by my forehead.
Standing in the dark, looking at what she had to sacrifice, my fury melts into sadness. Why would I expect her to hold onto me when she’s already lost so much?
Eddie’s crack about her body clenches my teeth. He was with her there, alone in the darkness. I remember fighting off Vanessa in the darkness, and my rage fans to life again, only this time it’s directed at that fucking crewmember I should have finished.
Did he touch her? Did he try to take advantage?
Of course, she’s kissing a fucking rich guy. I promised I’d be there and I wasn’t. I promised I’d keep her safe, and I didn’t. Stepping back, I scan the door looking for the store hours. I see my reflection in the glass, and I see bloodstains on my shirt.
Looks like I have some shopping to do.
Lara
Fighting the pain twisting my chest, I meet Freddie for lunch again the next day. It’s as polite as always, another small café the travel magazines hail as one of the best in the city. We dine, he talks of his business interests, I try to care.
After we’re done, he mentions needing to stop by a men’s store, and I shrug, not having a reason to say no. It’s a lovely fall day. The sky is blue with puffy white clouds drifting by. It seems impossible the weather could be so joyful when my heart is a desolate wasteland.
Freddie holds my hand, and we approach the flagstone courtyard of Jackson Square. The artists are lined up in rows as always, but I resist looking for Mark among them.
“I’ve been wanting to visit this place,” Freddie says, holding the door open to a small boutique. “Don’t worry, this won’t take long.”
I walk inside and step over to a round table holding a rainbow of assorted silk neckties as Freddie goes to the display of topcoats. Everything in the shop is outrageously priced, and I glance up as a man steps up beside Freddie to return a coat to the rack.
My heart stops when I realize who it is.
“I’m sorry,” Mark says. “I’m just returning this one.”
I stare wide-eyed at him. Again, he looks amazing in a tweed jacket and dark brown pants. At his neck is a yellow tie, and his eyes glow when he turns them on me.
I swirl around, facing the street through the front window, my heart racing. An image of him smiling and catching my neck for a kiss as I trot onto the stage twists an ache of longing in the center of my chest.
“I was considering this one,” Freddie says, not even recognizing Mark. My back is still turned when he calls to me, and I fight for control. “Darling, I need your opinion. Is it all wrong for me?”
“Just a moment,” I say in an uneven voice as I press my palm into my stomach trying to slow my breathing. I can’t let Freddie see me so shaken.
After a few moments, I’m calm. Thankfully Mark has his back to us and appears to be searching through the ties. Freddie smiles, a red tie tossed over his shoulder.
I clear my throat. “It’s very nice.”
His eyes narrow. “You seem distracted. I’m not sure I believe you.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, wishing with all my heart Mark wasn’t standing here, hearing my words. “You look great. Red is a power tie, yes?”
At that Mark turns, and I can’t avoid his gaze. I’m sure the struggle is plain on my face. Freddie is completely unaware as he looks through the shirts. Mark makes his way down the aisle to where I wait.
“See anything you like?” His voice is low, but I shake my head.
“Only what I can’t afford.”
He runs the back of his finger across my hand. “You can’t?”
His touch would’ve been imperceptible if not for my reaction. My hand quickly turns, and our fingers lace. Familiar warmth floods my chest, but he continues past me, his hand slipping away as quickly as it appeared.
“Do you see anything you like?” Freddie asks, joining me.
“I’m not very good at shopping,” I mutter, cheeks flushed.
He pats my shoulder. “We’ll take care of that situation.”
I might collapse from the tension. I wait as he heads to the register to pay, lingering at the front window as Mark finishes ahead of him and heads for the door. Without a word he leaves, and all the light leaves with him.
Freddie and I leave the shop, walking slowly back to the theater. I’d made up another rehearsal excuse, and I look up at the darkening sky, thinking about the birthday gathering Roland has planned for me. I wonder who might attend, whether Roland will invite Mark, whether Mark will come.
Freddie and I exchange a brief goodbye, and I step into the lobby. My thoughts drift to the rooftop. Has anything changed? Has everything changed? It won’t be long until I know.
16
“She walks like rain…”
Lara
As inexplicably as he’d started, Gavin stopped coming to rehearsals, and the mood in the company relaxed.
After crying myself to sleep last night, I don’t see Mark at all the next day. Still, I can’t allow myself to care. I can’t allow myself to be distracted anymore. My plan has suddenly become urgent.
The pain is almost too much after our weeks of bliss, but I press all those emotions into a tight little pill that I force myself to swallow and be done with.
It’s for the best. It was never real, and it could never be real. Mark can’t take care of us, and if I keep traveling further down that road, I’ll never be able to come back. Not to mention I’ll ruin mine and Molly’s only hope of a better life, our security with Freddie.
My heart thuds in my chest Thursday night as I go to the ladder for my finale climb. Mark is waiting at the top, and I try to calm my breathing when our eyes meet, when I see the red in his and know his heart is breaking as painfully as mine.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, and tears flood my eyes.
Oh, God, I can’t cry. I have to sing.
I go to the bench without answering.
“I wasn’t here for you. I said I would always be here and I wasn’t. I know that made you feel alone and insecure. I understand that.” The tone in his voice is ripping my heart into tiny shreds, but I can’t look at him.
He touches my arm when I take my seat. My back is to him, but I don’t move away. He fastens the harness, still speaking softly. “I’m sorry I made you afraid, but I meant what I said to you. I’m still working on our plan.”
I inhale with a jerk, fighting my sobs as I take in the shape of his mouth, his straight nose, his blue eyes. I shake
my head and look down again.
“It’s too late. I have to go with Freddie. We have to leave this place now.”
He touches my chin and lifts my face. Then he leans forward, lightly kissing my lips and sending aching warmth through my veins. “Talk to me first.”
The music rises, and the bench moves. I swing out over the waiting spectators, but when I look back his eyes hold mine, his hands hold the rope, and my heart stays in the heavens with him.
I descend slowly to the stage in a swirl of red and black velvet, singing the words to the “Illusion” finale. The lyrics tell the story of a man so enchanted by a dark angel, he gives up everything, including his life, all for something that will only destroy him.
The words feel prophetic as I sing them, strutting in the lights, sparkling every time I turn until I take my final spin and end with my arms raised over my head in a V, my head turned to the side. Breasts high, nipples tight, my eyes close in my nightly expression of rapture, surrounded by a male fantasy of barely clothed, beautiful women.
We remain frozen on our marks until the heavy curtain falls, sending a swirl of musty velvet all around us. It never changes.
Through the darkness in the wings, I take Molly’s hand. It’s almost like she’s still innocent and bad things haven’t begun creeping in on us, closer with each passing day. How many days until Guy returns? Until he comes for what he’s promised?
“Does Freddie know about your birthday?” she asks once we were in the dressing room.
“No,” I sigh, trying to dispel any lingering feelings for Mark as I remove my wings and reach for my dressing gown. I have just enough time to peel off my false eyelashes before the tapping starts. I go to the door, but this time, there are no roses.
“Darling,” Freddie catches my waist and pulls me to him. He kisses me without warning, pushing my lips apart and sweeping his tongue into my mouth.
Molly lets out a surprised squeak, and I’m almost speechless. “Freddie!” He’s never been so bold.
He winks at Molly and smiles broadly. “I’ve got the most wonderful news. At least, I hope you’ll think it’s wonderful.”
Molly makes an excuse about finding Rosa and quickly leaves as Freddie reaches into his jacket and pulls out a narrow black-velvet box. I take it and carefully open the lid to find a delicate gold bracelet accented all around by what look like small diamonds.
“It’s too much,” I say, and he takes it from my hands and fastens it around my wrist.
“I couldn’t resist when I saw it. I had to get it for you.”
Turning my arm, I watch the rainbow reflection it casts. My eyes go to Freddie’s happy gray ones, and I force a smile. “What’s your news?”
“I spoke to my sister Annemarie, and she is thrilled at the idea of having you and your sister stay with her. She has a few preparations to make, but then we could leave here as soon as you like.”
A knot closes in my throat. The pain of my fight with Mark is still so fresh, I’m not sure I can be convincing in my answer. Still, I push it all down again and hold it down before my runaway emotions ruin everything.
I slip out of Freddie’s arms and turn away, stepping over to my dressing table. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
He closes the distance between us quickly, clutching my upper arms in his hands. I feel the heat of his body at my back. “It’s what I’ve dreamed of for months. Even more in these last few days since we talked.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting the pain of what’s coming and what it will mean. “It’s wonderful news. Like I said, I’ve always wanted to go to Paris.”
“And I can’t tell you how happy I am to be the one to take you.” He pulls me into his embrace and speaks at my temple. “I know I’ve said this before, but I still hope one day you might think of me as something more than a friend. Perhaps with time…”
My eyes sting, and my feelings for Mark burn in my chest. I’ll shed my tears for him at a later date, when everything is settled and we’re safe.
And I’m alone.
Molly’s safety is more important than my fairytale ending, which was probably never going to happen anyway.
I inhale a sobering breath and take a step, lifting his hand for the first time in mine. “You’ve been so good to me. I hope one day I’ll be able to repay your kindness.”
He traces a line along my cheek. “Those words are enough for now.”
Leaning forward, he lightly kisses my lips before turning to go. I watch him disappear through the door and lean my head against the doorjamb, holding back tears.
Molly steps up looking sorrowful. “Oh, Lara.”
“What?” I sniff and raise my chin.
“If we leave, you’ll never see Mark again.”
It’s a stab to my battered heart, but I swallow the lump of misery in my throat. “Never is a long time.” I go to my table and sit, reaching for my packet of cleansing wipes and scrubbing off my makeup. I grab a tissue to wipe away the dampness that has sneaked out of my eyes. I will not cry.
“But you love Mark.”
Our eyes meet in the mirror and for a moment it’s only us. The two of us looking into the face of my decision. I turn away again.
“This is about our future and taking care of us. And anyway, I’d expect you to be happy about it.”
She rushes over and leans on the dressing table. “So you’ve started to like Freddie a little? Is that it?”
I think about her question and about my answer. “Yes,” I lie.
She frowns, moving away and shaking her head. “I don’t believe you. And I don’t understand you!”
“Because you’re just a kid.” My voice is flat.
“You’re just a kid!” she shouts back.
“I’m twenty now.” And I repeat the words Roland says to me, but with far less confidence. “You have to trust me.”
Evie is the first person I see when I step out onto the roof. A breeze is blowing, and the twilight sky is a mix of pink, amber, light blue, and purple. The fall night is cool and smells of sweet wood fires and approaching rain.
“Happy birthday, darling,” she says as she rushes across the space to embrace me. She’s wearing an expensive burnt-orange silk dress with a beige open-knit sweater draped across her shoulders. It’s tied closed with a black satin bow, and I recognize it from the window of Celeste’s Couture when I was out with Freddie. I don’t know much about fashion, but I know Celeste’s is one of the most expensive boutiques in the city. I suddenly feel very casual in my jeans and long-sleeved black sweater.
“You’re beautiful,” I say.
Evie has always been so plain, but somehow in the dim light, in the shimmering dress, she’s part of the setting sun. She smiles and looks down at her dress. “I’m not sure that’s true, but thanks.”
We clasp hands as she leads me across the rooftop to where Molly waits with Rosa. Roland is beside them fiddling with a champagne cork.
Molly runs to me and puts her arm around my waist. A popping noise comes from where Roland stands, and everyone cheers and claps as he pours glasses for each of us. He walks over and puts an arm across my shoulders, handing me a glass. Molly walks away with Evie.
“To sweet sixteen,” he says with a wink, clinking a cheers with me before draining his glass. “I’m only joking. Twenty is a good age. I remember being up here with you when I turned twenty.”
“Don’t.” My face grows hot.
“Why? You were adorable.” He pulls me closer to him. “Your crush was one of the sweetest times of my life. You’re the only girl I’ve ever kissed.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“You’d better.” He pours us both another glass of champagne. “And how are things going with the dashing Mr. Lovel?”
I push away and walk to the ledge, clasping my arms over my waist. “You were right. Freddie’s nice and rich and he’ll take us far away from here. With Freddie we’ll never have to be afraid again.”
I say the
words more for me than in answer to Roland’s question.
“You can’t say what will never happen.” Roland leans against the wall beside me. After a few moments of silence he adds. “I invited Mark. I don’t know where he is, but he knew.”
It hurts to hear that, but I swallow the pain as I’ve been doing. “He knows we can’t be together.”
Roland takes another drink. “Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn’t.”
I lift my glass of wine and down the entire contents at once.
“Not smart,” he says. Then he takes my empty and goes to where Molly and Evie stand with Rosa.
He puts another glass in my hand, but my head feels fuzzy from drinking the first one too fast. Everyone is lifting a toast to me now, so I’m obliged to participate. I take a few sips and listen to the conversations and the laughter. The tears that have been my constant companion lately are a distant memory. In fact, I’m not feeling much of anything at the moment.
I watch Molly try to dance with Roland and smile as everyone laughs. Before I know it, Roland is with me again saying it’s time to go to bed.
“Morning comes early, you know.” He touches my arm, and I nod.
We’re headed to the door when it opens on its own. A low murmur ripples through the group, and I lift my eyes to meet Mark’s looking directly into mine. My chest squeezes.
“I’ll take Molly down,” Rosa says, pulling her through the doorway.
“Time to resume my charade.” Evie steps forward to kiss my cheek. “Goodnight, honey.”
I kiss her back but Mark’s eyes never leave mine. I know because mine never leave his.
“It seems we’re no longer needed here.” Roland kisses my temple. “Happy birthday, my love, and goodnight.”
Within seconds it’s just the two of us, standing alone, facing each other. I can’t think of a thing to say.
Mark is the first to break the silence. “Happy birthday. I didn’t think I was coming.”
