Start Again: A Novel (Start Again Series #1)

by J. Saman

  I take his hands away from the back of my hips and place them on my lace-covered breasts, eliciting a moan from both of us. “Jesus, Katie.”

  His mouth finds mine again and he gets to work with his hands on my chest. I reach behind my back and unclasp my bra, letting the straps fall from my shoulders before taking it off and tossing it aside.

  Then Ryan loses it.

  I’m on my back on the bed before I can even process how I got there. His mouth and hands find me. My lips, my neck, my chest, my nipples. Everywhere he can touch and kiss, he does, and it’s the most incredible thing.

  It’s been more than two years since I’ve been touched by a man, and Ryan certainly knows what he is doing. I can’t stop the buildup and he’s only touching my boobs. I cry out loud and long, and when I’m done, I realize Ryan is watching me. I blush something fierce.

  “Don’t be like that,” he kisses me. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Katie. I could watch you all day every day, and never grow tired of it.”

  I smile up at him. “Come here.” I reach for him and he kisses me happily. Grabbing the hem of his shirt, I pull it up and over his head, running my hands all over his chest and back. He helps me out of my yoga pants, and I help him out of his jeans.

  We’re all mouths and hands, exploring and touching, kissing and tasting and licking each other like we have an endless amount of time. Neither of us are rushing the moment, wanting it to last forever.

  “Talk to me, Katie. If you want me to stop, I will.” He’s on me, skin to skin in the most delicious of ways. We’re both already sweaty and smiling, but I’m not done with him yet. I need more. I can’t seem to get enough.

  “No stopping, Ryan. I want you too much.”

  His eyes lock on mine. “I’ve wanted you for so long. So fucking long, Katie.” He kisses my lips, my cheek, the tip of my nose. My eyes close, and he kisses them too. “Look at me, sweetheart.” My eyes flutter open. “I want to look into your eyes when I’m inside you.” I moan just at his words alone, but when he slides inside of me, I’m a goner. My fingers grip onto his strong arms and my back arches.

  “So fucking beautiful,” he rasps. “You feel so good, Katie. Fucking unbelievable.”

  I nod my head, my voice caught in my throat.

  We find our rhythm quickly, like we’ve been doing this forever, and it is perfect. So different, and yet so amazingly incredible. He rolls me so I’m on top, looking down on his gorgeous flushed face. His heavy lidded eyes are burning into mine, the intensity like nothing I’ve ever felt before. My head rolls back and I lose myself completely before collapsing down onto his sweat-slicked chest with an exhausted, sated smile.

  “You do realize we’re ordering room service and never leaving this hotel room, right?” he asks, still breathing heavily, his fingers gliding up and down the skin of my back.

  “Oh good. More food,” I deadpan because I’m never eating again. I look up, resting my chin on his chest, him peering down at me. “I think I still have another six thousand calories to burn off. You up for the challenge, Mr. Grant?”

  He smiles that crooked smile and then flips me onto my back, grinding himself into me. “What does that tell you?”

  “Hmm,” I purse my lips to the side, pretending to think about it. “I really couldn’t say. I think a closer inspection is warranted.”

  He laughs and kisses my lips. “A closer inspection, eh?”

  “Absolutely,” I nod emphatically. “How else am I supposed to formulate an educated opinion? I mean, I think this type of inspection could require hours of field research.”

  “Good,” he smiles wide. “I plan on testing you and your limits for several more hours.”

  Awesome. I’m so in.

  By the time we’re done with his testing and my research, we’re a heaping pile of smiles and sweat. Showering together you’d think would help that, but it really doesn’t, and we end up testing more limits.

  I feel like I should be freaking out about now. Like crying in a corner, wanting to die, freaking out.

  But I’m not.

  I feel good. Happy. Satisfied.

  And I’m not sure how to feel about that. Ironic? Yeah, I get that. It’s weird, really. It’s been hours and multiple times, but I want more.

  And it’s not necessarily the sex, though that is fan-fucking-tastic.

  It’s Ryan. It’s the way he holds me, and touches me, and looks at me and talks to me.

  It’s the whole goddamn Ryan Grant package that I want to buy into.

  “What now?” I whisper into the darkness we’ve been snuggled up in for the last half an hour. We did get out of bed and managed to have a sex-free shower. We even put on clothing, ate some food and watched mindless television.

  But all of that turned into naked bedroom time. Again.

  “You tell me. I want you. It’s really that simple for me.”

  Shit. I want him too, and I also want Eric. Yes, I get that I can’t have Eric anymore, but I feel like as long as I still want him, I shouldn’t be with anyone else.

  “I want you, Ryan. Like mad.” He smiles, but he can feel the but coming, so he holds back. “But I’m still not ready for something more than what we’ve got going.”

  “Do I still get to have sex with you, and kiss you whenever I want?”

  I smile. “You bet your sweet ass you do.”

  “Then I’ll survive. But just.”

  Chapter 18

  Kate

  I wake up the next morning much the way I do any other, but this time, Ryan is up before me. He has been on the phone since four in the morning doing work, and when I got up at six, he was ready for a break. We both went to the gym in the hotel and ran our butts off. Ryan then lifted all kinds of insane weights while I did some yoga. I used to do a mommy and baby yoga class with Maggie, which was really the most absurd thing on the planet, but she loved it.

  Maggie loved everything. She was always smiling and talking and playing, and making my world a better place.

  I miss her.

  I don’t know how not to, and I think I’ll feel like this forever.

  I miss Eric too.

  As I breathe and stretch, I think about the fact that he’s no longer the last man I kissed, or had sex with. I knew this moment would come, but it’s not the sort of situation one can ever really prepare for.

  Eric was an amazing lover. Generous, sweet and fun. But Ryan is a different animal all together. He’s more carnal. More aggressive. More devouring. Neither is better than the other, just different.

  A difference I’m so grateful for.

  Eric used to think my wild sexual fantasies were amusing and something to play with, but not fully explore. I get the feeling Ryan would not only embrace them in a second, but push them to the next level. Again, neither is better, just different.

  Eric could kiss the hell out of me. In fact, every time he’d press his lips to mine, I felt a comfort I haven’t been able to duplicate since he died. A love unchallenged and unparalleled.

  Ryan kisses like a fiend. Like a hungry man desperate for the food my lips give him.

  Both hot. Again, both different.

  The main issue is that I still feel like I’m married to Eric. Like my being with Ryan is somehow betraying him. I know it’s not. I. Know. It’s. Not. Which is why I’m doing it. But that doesn’t change my mentality. How can I be with one man when I’m mentally still with another?

  I can’t.

  Do I feel like the world’s biggest bitch? Absolutely.

  Can I stop this new train that I’ve found myself on? No, probably not.

  I’m addicted to Ryan. I want him constantly. And not just the sex, though that’s certainly part of it.

  I want Ryan.

  His brain. His sense of humor. His touch and smile. His everything. I don’t know how to stop wanting him.

  “Off to LA today?” I ask, my ass in the air as I do a downward-facing dog.<
br />
  “Yes, though if you keep that position up, our getting there may take a bit longer than planned.”

  “As tragic as that would be,” I look up to find him staring at my ass in the air. “I could be okay with that.”

  He laughs, walking over to me and smacking my ass. Hard. “You’re insatiable, Katie. Not that I’m complaining or anything. I’m more than happy to keep up this pace, but it seems to me that if we do, we won’t have time for anything other than me being buried inside of you.”

  One thing I learned about Ryan last night? He’s really good with the dirty talk. Really freaking good. Bringing myself upright, I stretch my arms up over my head.

  “You’re right. We should shower and get going.”

  He wraps his arms around my waist and begins to walk me towards the exit of the gym, his nose inhaling the skin of my neck.

  “Katie?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Should we talk about last night?”

  I tense and I know he feels it because he pulls away from neck to a standing position, though his arms are still around me. “Probably.” I know we should. I know how he feels about me. What he wants.

  Me? I have no fucking clue what I want. What I can handle. Why do we have to put a label on things? Why can’t this just be what it is? Fun. Sex.

  Because it is so much more than that, I remind myself.

  I hate how selfish I’m being. I know I’m being selfish. But how do you stop something that just feels so…right?

  “Are you okay with everything?” Could he be anymore considerate?

  “What are you asking me, Ryan?” I angle my head up to see him. “Are you asking if I’m okay with all the sex we’ve been having, or something else?”

  “I’m asking about the sex. About this,” he squeezes me with his arms that are around my waist. “Other than what we talked about yesterday, you’ve been very quiet about where your head is with all of this.” I know he doesn’t want to ask about it. I can hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes.

  He’s uneasy. So am I.

  Leaning back into his chest, we step onto the elevator and make our way back up to our room.

  “I like being with you, Ryan. You put me at ease. Relax my mind and somehow seem to understand me. I have fun with you. I think you’re an incredible man. Smart and funny and charmingly sweet.” I spin around, reaching my hands up and wrapping them around his neck. “I can’t get enough of you.”

  He smiles big bending down to kiss my lips and when I push him back a little, his smile falls.

  “But?” he asks cautiously, sensing it coming.

  “But I’m a mental mess, and the last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you. I care about you way too much for that.” He looks up at the ceiling of the elevator and lets out a sigh. The doors open and we step out into the hallway. We’re silent for a moment as we walk towards our room. The heaviness between us is tangible.

  “Ryan?” He doesn’t look at me. “I know how selfish I’m being. I’m trying to just live in the moment, and it’s not fair to you. Maybe we should—”

  “No,” he snaps out, interrupting me. “I don’t want to stop.”

  “I don’t know what I’m doing here, Ryan. I’m going moment to moment, and that’s just fucked up and wrong.”

  “Katie.” He spins me around, stopping me in the middle of the hallway, his hands on my shoulders. “If you can live in the moment, so can I. I told you I’d take anything I could get with you, and I meant it.”

  “How is that fair to you? Is that even what you want?”

  “Yes. Being with you in whatever way I can have you is what I want. I’m a big boy, Katie. I can handle myself, so stop worrying about it. I want fun and sex and you. Beyond that?” he shrugs like it doesn’t matter. “I’m not asking for a relationship, you’re the one who keeps going on about that. I’m just asking if you’re okay with what we’ve got going on right now.”

  Oh. Well, now I feel stupid for assuming he was looking for more.

  “Yes. I’m okay with it,” I smile slimly. “More than okay with it.”

  “Good,” he shrugs again. “Let’s go shower and hit the road. It’s getting late.” With that he brushes past me toward our room.

  Shit. What just happened?

  I follow after him and by the time I reach the bedroom, I hear the shower running. Apparently, he wasted no time. Stripping out of my sweaty clothes, I tentatively walk into the bathroom.

  “Ryan?” I call out, but he doesn’t respond. Either he doesn’t hear me or he’s ignoring me.

  He’s standing unmoving under the stream of the shower, his head lowered to tiled floor.

  “Ryan?” I try again and this time he raises his head, turning to look at me. “Can I come in?” I ask, uncertain.

  He shrugs.

  I’m going to take that as a yes.

  His face is completely blank. Impassive. Pouring some body wash into my hands, I rub the soap into his warm, wet chest, creating lather and filling the steamed glass enclosure with the scent of jasmine. He doesn’t say anything, his eyes trained on my hands as they work soap all over his body.

  “I’d wash your hair, but I don’t think I could reach.” That gets a half smile, but nothing more. “Here, sit.” I point to the bench on the far wall, walking him over there when he doesn’t move right away. Now that his body is clean, I go to work on his hair.

  His head falls back into my hands and his eyes flutter shut. Very few things feel better than having someone else wash your hair for you. My nails scrape along his scalp as I work the shampoo through his thick, inky strands. When I’m done, I adjust the shower head so that it reaches us and wash out the soap. Leaning down, I place a chaste kiss at the corner of his mouth before I set to work on myself.

  “Let me,” he whispers and runs his hands through my hair, lathering it up with shampoo, washing it out and then repeating the process with the conditioner. His strong hands run down my wet body, spreading soap as he goes. “Katie,” he says in that way of his, before his mouth connects with mine. Ryan lifts me up into his arms, walking me until my back is pressed against the tile wall. My fingers run through his sodden hair, our eyes locked as he enters me. “Katie,” he says again, though this time it’s more of an expletive.

  We’ve never done it like this—without a condom. Skin to skin. The sensation is overwhelming. My fingers are digging into his arms and shoulders, my eyes rolling back into my head.

  “Look at me, Katie,” he demands. “I want to see your pretty blue eyes as I fuck you.” Jesus, his words aren’t helping with the whole opening my eyes thing. I moan out long and loud, clinging to him and saying his name over and over again. “Yes, Katie. Just like that. So beautiful when you come for me.”

  He pulls out of me after I come down from my heavenly high and finishes. We get out of the shower and he wraps me in a towel. Whatever heaviness he was carrying seems to have lifted and his eyes are light, playful even.

  “I realize this is an odd question at this point, but are you on the pill or anything?”

  I shake my head, looking down at the floor and pulling my towel tighter around my body.

  “No,” I whisper, unable to meet his eyes as guilt, and maybe even a little shame takes over. So much for living in the moment and working on not feeling sad. Eric and I were trying to get pregnant when the accident happened, and I never felt the need to go back on anything after that.

  This rollercoaster feels like it is never-ending. Just as I’m up, I go flying back down.

  “It’s okay, baby.” He brushes my chin with his fingers, drawing my eyes up to his. “We’ll use condoms. I was just asking.”

  “I know.” I nod my head.

  He leans down to kiss my lips. “Come on, sweetheart. Checkout is in one hour.” Ryan leaves me standing there in the bathroom, and I wonder if he’s hit his limit for my mood swings.

  I have, so I can only imagine the frustrat
ion he must feel from them.

  We’ve entered into new territory, and though I certainly don’t regret sleeping with Ryan, I don’t know how to navigate this either. I’ve only ever been with one man before, and that was the man I fell in love with, married and had a child with.

  I don’t know how to do casual.

  I don’t know how to do just sex with no strings.

  I don’t even know if that’s what I want. Ryan has also become a hot bed of mixed messages. Worst of all, I’m terrified that our friendship is over.

  Walking back out into the bedroom, Ryan is already dressed and running his fingers through his hair instead of using a brush. I don’t say anything as I walk over and grab what I want to wear out of my suitcase, and begin to get dressed.

  It’s not awkward between us, but it’s not comfortable either.

  This is how he was the two days before the Grand Canyon.

  Distant. Introspective.

  I don’t know how to breach this divide. Is it better this way? Maybe I’m not as ready for sex and another man as I thought I was. I mean, I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but maybe I’m not ready for this either.

  What have I done?

  One thing is for sure, I need to make friends with Ryan again. I don’t think I can handle the alternative.

  Chapter 19

  Ryan

  Katie and I don’t talk much on the three-hour drive into Los Angeles. She’s been typing away on her phone, doing god only knows what. I fucked up. I get that. She has told me time and time again that she doesn’t want a relationship. That she isn’t ready for something more than fun.

  And I told her I was good with that.

  No wait, I told her that’s what I wanted too.

  So when she sticks to her word, I fail at mine because I’m going into hibernation, self-preservation mode again. I decided when this all began with her that I’d live in the moment and enjoy whatever time we had together.

  Then we had sex, and everything I thought I had managed to control fell apart.

  I’m totally and completely ruined and I have no idea what the fuck I’m going to do about it. Claire booked us in an amazing hotel right in Beverly Hills. Katie’s eyes finally leave her phone in favor of the view, but as we pull into the hotel, she starts to shake her head ever so slightly.