“I’ll be fine,” said Rafe as she studied the fresco on the ceiling. “I’ll still be doing everything I do now, you just won’t be here.”
“I’m trying to understand why you think you have nothing to offer Eden,” Nora said as she put her hand on Rafe’s arm. “You’re so full of spirit and love, and you’re so caring. You really are the whole package. Any girl would be lucky to have you. But in all the time you’ve been here, you’ve never brought anyone home. Is it because it’s hard to find gay women in Florence, or is it because you want Eden in your life again? If it’s because you can’t find any gay women here, maybe you should stay where you can find someone to love and not be so isolated.”
Rafe shook her head and laughed softly. “There are plenty of gay women in Florence. Even ones who come to visit or to study.” She grinned at Nora. “We are everywhere,” she teased dramatically. “I’m just not interested in looking for anyone. I’m trying to get well. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair to whoever I was with, or to me, to bring them into my life with so much history that I’m not ready to share,” she said, realizing how much her words echoed her father’s when deciding to tell a women she was dating about her problems. He was right, she thought. “That’s why I’m not with anyone, including Eden.”
Nora contemplated Rafe’s words and didn’t believe her. She was sure the reason Rafe was not with anyone was due to her feelings for Eden, and because of what happened in New York. Gabri told her Rafe, along with everyone else, thought she had an affair, but it turned out it wasn’t true. She thought there were pretty good odds Rafe hadn’t found anyone else because, when she left America, she had been trying to reconcile with Eden, and if she found someone else, it would be an affair and hurt Eden. There was a deeper reason she wasn’t letting herself be with Eden, and she wanted to know what it was.
“Okay,” she said softly. “So, you trust Eden with Bronte and with your money.” She paused. “What is it you don’t trust her with? Are you afraid she’s not telling the truth about being in love with you?”
Rafe shifted in the bed looked up at the ceiling and sighed. “Something like that,” she said reluctantly. She didn’t want to be in a therapy session with Nora and talk about all this.
She looked over at the door and wanted to leave. If she did, Nora would probably get upset. Then Gabri would be upset at her for making Nora upset. It would not be a good situation with everything else going on, especially with all the people at the villa and the festival. Rafe felt a bit trapped.
Nora could see Rafe was uncomfortable, so she put her hand on her again to comfort her. “I know there’s a lot I don’t know and may never understand. I don’t mean for this conversation to upset you. I care about you, and I can see you’re hurting yourself. You said yourself you’re sick.”
Rafe frowned, not liking her own words used against her.
“I guess I would advise you to look at things from a different perspective,” Nora continued. “You aren’t married to Eden, but you did make certain promises to each other. You both made a lot of mistakes, but you love each other despite them. So maybe you should think about the promises you made and decide if they are ones you can keep.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Rafe and sighed. “We broke up, so we can’t be held to those promises anymore.”
“But you broke up because of something you know now didn’t happen. There was no affair,” Nora said calmly. “So if you both want, you can hold yourselves to those promises again.”
“But there was an affair,” said Rafe trying to hold in her agitation.
“There was?”
“Yes, Eden had an affair with a man online, and she left me for Jake,” she revealed. “So even if I didn’t have an affair everything else that happened would have probably still torn us apart. Her leaving me for a man and all her feelings she can’t help.”
“Online,” Nora repeated with a frown. “Oh, yeah, I remember her talking about that now.” She thought about her visit with Eden again as she kept hold of Rafe’s hand so she wouldn’t leave. “Well, it looks to me like she’s in control of her feelings now. She took a big risk and put herself in a very vulnerable position coming to see you here. People don’t do those kinds of things unless they’re sure about their feelings.” She glanced over at Rafe who was leaning back and looking at the door. “I guess she’s not worth the risk to you, though.”
Rafe frowned her gray-blue eyes sparking. “Maybe you’re right,” she said hotly. “It doesn’t matter anyway, because what she’s sure of now is—she’s with Julia. She’s probably better off.”
“Maybe,” said Nora softly seeing she hit a sore spot. “Did she say she was?” She held her own against Rafe’s angry eyes. Rafe looked away, and Nora knew Eden had not actually said she was with Julia. “If she was with Julia, she could have just sent a letter or done something easier than coming all the way here.” She thought about the possibility for a moment. “I guess it’s possible she’s trying to make up her mind,” she said softly. “If that’s true, then there’s still hope, and she does love you or she wouldn’t uproot her life and create this opening for you.”
Nora let her words settle in Rafe’s mind.
“Let me tell you what I see. I see you working so hard to get better and making progress. I see you leaning heavily on Gabri and me to help you—which you should because we love you. Gabri worships you and would do anything for you.” Nora could see the appreciation in Rafe’s eyes. “But Gabri and I can never give you what you had with Eden. We can be a sort of family, but we’ll just be an imperfect substitute for your real family with Eden and Bronte.”
She paused and watched Rafe process her words.
“I see a woman who’s reaching out to you desperately, even if she doesn’t realize it or the cost. She might even be risking one possible love for another. She may lose them both if she’s with Julia and coming here causes problems for them. Eden told Gabri she loves you and wants to help you get better. I see she’s taking a huge risk for love despite the emotional toll it’s taking on her with her anxiety problems. She’s been through a different hell than you, but she’s been through one all the same, and she wants to help pull you out of yours if she can.”
She could see Rafe was taking her words seriously, so Nora felt emboldened enough to keep talking. “I can see all the problems between you won’t be solved overnight, but you have a chance not many people get. If you don’t take it, you may never truly get better.”
She saw Rafe frown and didn’t want her to be upset, but she needed to be clear.
“Oh, you may find someone and start a new family. But you’ll always have to wonder ‘what if’ every time you see your child or see Eden. Who, by the way, might find someone else or actually stay with Julia like you believe. But she’ll have the knowledge she tried. She took the risk, even if it didn’t turn out the way she would have wanted.”
“Nora,” Rafe said in frustration, “there’s just so much more to everything that you can’t understand, and Eden can’t understand, either. My life will never be,” she hesitated, “it will never be free of demons and secrets and pain. I have betrayed every person in my life that’s trusted me. I don’t want to do that to her again and see her disappointment or horror or pity for me.”
“No,” said Nora. “You haven’t betrayed Gabri or me.”
Rafe’s eyes glistened sadly. “You don’t know,” she said softly. She knew Nora would never understand the deep sodden courses of betrayal she was still trodding through endlessly every day of her life. There was no escaping any of it because she was who had carved every channel. Eden had proven it by bringing the school bag back to remind her it would never end.
“I know you and Gabri have a lot of secrets,” Nora revealed and noticed Rafe’s surprise. “Don’t look so surprised. I’m a sensitive and jealous woman,” she said dramatically then smiled at Rafe. “I can tell when something is going on and I’m not included. But I also understand it
isn’t done to hurt me. You both do it to protect yourselves. You both put your emotions into projects like his music or his job at the estates and your art or all the other things you seem to find time to do. The difference between you and Gabri is Gabri has found someone to share his secrets with—he has me.” She saw the question in Rafe’s face. “Oh, he hasn’t shared them all yet. Sometimes he just confesses the fact he has them. I think he feels the need to share them with me sometimes, and he trusts I’ll keep his secrets.”
Nora leaned over close to Rafe. “I have secrets too,” she whispered in her ear. “I’m positive one day I’ll know all Gabri’s secrets, and he’ll know all mine.” She sat back up and adjusted the pillow behind her back. “You, from what I understand, have never shared all your secrets with anyone. You share most of them with Gabri, and your father knew them, but if anyone else knows about them, you weren’t the one who told, so you still hold them inside.”
“I’ve told Eden secrets,” she said softly, wondering if her regret could be heard.
“Has she kept them?”
“I don’t know. I think so.”
“Well then, there’s another thing you can trust her with,” she said thoughtfully. “Did you ever think maybe holding in all those secrets over the years was part of why you got sick? It is a lot of work to hide so much for so long.”
“Maybe,” said Rafe softly. According to her father, Rafe had to keep everything secret.
“If you never open yourself up and let someone who truly cares about you in, you’ll shortchange yourself in life.”
“I let her in,” said Rafe evenly. “I let her in and look what happened.” Punishment.
“You didn’t really let her in,” Nora argued gently. “You never shared your secrets or let her know who you really are. I think you thought you let her in enough and, because she didn’t know certain things, you got hurt. Is that her fault?” Nora saw Rafe frown but pressed on. “I’m not saying everything was your fault.” Mostly Nora blamed Rafe’s father, but she knew she could never say anything negative about him to Rafe or Gabri. “I’m just saying the only way she can really know you is if you tell her who you are. She says she loves you, and you’re right, her feelings may change after you tell her things, but you may be wrong too. Don’t you want to be sure? Don’t you want to stop having all those worries and dark thoughts keeping you awake at night? At least the ones where Eden is concerned? I’ve seen your notebooks full of drawings of Eden. Gabri told me you burned some of the pages. Are you giving up before you try?”
Nora could tell Rafe wasn’t happy with her. “Okay,” she said softly. “She’s leaving soon and who knows if she’ll be able to come back between taking care of Bronte and having to work, and other things in life that just happen. Remember this—right now, Eden is standing in front of you, reaching her hand out to help you, and she just might be offering you love and a family. If you don’t let the people who love you help you, especially when you’re sick and hurting, you’re making another mistake.” She patted Rafe on the leg. “I’ll let you go now,” she said and slid down to get comfortable in bed. “You and Gabri wear me out.”
As Nora got comfortable, Rafe got out of the bed. She leaned over and kissed Nora on the forehead. “Thank you for caring. Sweet dreams.”
“I really do care,” she whispered. “I love you, even though you’re more hard headed than Gabri.”
Rafe smiled. “I always beat him,” she said and closed the door as she left.
Nora chuckled to herself then sighed and closed her eyes to sleep.
30
JULIA HAWTHORN WAS going a bit stir-crazy and had to get out of the hotel. Eden was back in the room having lunch with Bronte. They would probably take a turn around the square but wouldn’t be out of the room too long. They waited all day yesterday and most of the morning to see if Gabri or Rafe would contact them again. So far, there had been no word. Julia tried to convince Eden to get out today without success. Eden had been on edge and afraid to miss their call. Julia assured her, if they rang, they would leave a message, and she would be able to ring them back. But Eden still insisted on being there, or at least not gone far or long.
With the excuse she would scout a good place for dinner and suss out where the event Gabri had given them tickets for tonight was at, Julia crossed the city on foot. It was not a big city, so it didn’t take long to find the music venue and a place for dinner. She walked around the area surrounding the venue, looking in the shop windows and taking in the hustle of the vendors and tourists crowding the street.
Foremost in Julia’s thoughts was the fact this trip wasn’t going the way Eden had hoped. However, it was going exactly how Julia thought it would. She had known Rafe since she was fourteen and knew Rafe had a history of dropping off the planet then turning up whenever she felt like it later. It was just one of the arguments she had in her arsenal to help convince Eden to move on when they left without Rafe. It was also a good contrast against her own history of consistency and stability she felt Eden needed right now.
It may take time, but Julia truly thought she and Eden could be happy together. She could get Eden out of Rafe’s house and out from under the cohabitation agreement by letting her move into her condo. She thought it would help Eden move on even more. She also knew they would still have to see Rafe because of Bronte, but after a while, she thought Rafe would respect her and Eden’s relationship. Rafe was the one who left Eden in the first place, after all.
Julia felt a conflict within herself. She had wanted to date Rafe since their school days. She always hoped someday Rafe would change her mind since telling her they should just be friends, but she never did. They had a passing awkward kiss in high school after which Rafe laughed and declared their future would only hold friendship. For Julia, it was heartbreaking because the kiss was something she had wanted for a long time. She wanted it as soon as she saw Rafe kiss another girl, reasoned out she was gay herself and wanted her.
No matter how hard it was, Julia couldn’t stay away from Rafe. She kept being her friend not only because of their adventures but also with the hope of more in the future. She had dated other women, even ones Rafe had dated. She realized, after a time, she was doing it to be closer to Rafe. She didn’t really understand why because she had never had sex with Rafe. For years, Julia had held the women she had dated up against Rafe, and none of them ever compared—until Andrea. But even their relationship didn’t work out the way Julia planned, leaving her heartbroken again.
When Eden left Rafe for Jake, she thought maybe it was finally the right time for Julia and Rafe. But it seemed like Rafe was still far away even when she had moved in with her. Then Greer came into the picture, and Julia could barely bring herself to be around them. She finally accepted Greer, but then she left, and Rafe was suddenly getting back with Eden. It took a lot for Julia to get back to being a friend, but she did it. She decided to show her friendship and help Rafe by helping Eden. At first, helping Eden was frustrating and painful. She knew the help she gave was lined with bitterness toward Eden. But after a while, something changed.
It was hard to put her finger on exactly what changed until her talk with her father and the crazy dream she had while in New York. Then she knew she was falling in love with Eden. After Rafe left, Julia’s feelings for Eden seemed to get stronger. Her therapist said it was just transference again, but she knew it was something more.
The more time she spent with Eden, the more she was sure her feelings were real for her and not just transference. They had been spending a lot of time together since Rafe left so suddenly. She had been helping Eden with everything. She made sure dinner was on the table, would be there when Eden was feeling low or just needed to talk to someone. She made sure they got out of the house and enjoyed pushing Bronte in her pram around the park and through the shops. She liked the feeling she got when people thought they were a family. Bronte was a wonderful, precocious child, and Eden was a very good mother.
Some
times, Julia thought she could be just as much a mother to Bronte as Rafe. Neither Rafe nor herself shared DNA with Bronte but, unlike Rafe, at least Julia was there helping Eden. She genuinely felt she could make Eden happy and give her the consistent stability she and Bronte needed.
She was also sure she was seeing Eden differently for the first time. She wasn’t seeing her as Rafe’s wife, girlfriend, or partner.
She wasn’t seeing her as Salvaggio’s Paradise anymore.
She was seeing her as Eden Kingsley. A woman who was full of love for her daughter, who had a positive outlook on life, and who was in need of someone who could be there for her and give her security and stability. She also had begun to see her as a desirable woman who she wanted to show affection and offer to share her life with when Eden was ready. Julia’s dreams were filled with emotion and images of Eden. It was difficult waiting to be able to express the desires she could only dream about and hiding her sexual angst.
Julia also felt she could help be a buffer if Rafe started causing problems in the future with Bronte or their friends. She really didn’t think anything would happen, but it wouldn’t hurt to be prepared.
Julia was looking through a selection of silk shawls, hoping to find something that might cheer Eden up, when her thoughts and her shopping were interrupted by a commotion not far away. She looked over at the obstreperous group of people making their way through the vendor stalls. Julia could pick up the gist of what they were saying as they were laughing and talking loudly in Italian. They were surrounding someone who according to the words used must be female. Julia thought it must be one of the musicians or some famous person being mobbed by mostly men and a lot of children. Then she heard a familiar name and perked up to look closer at the mob.
“Rafaella!” a little boy cried out, and a man shoved him back before he could say more.
Cyprian the Fair Page 19
