“You can tell Julia. You’ve known her for a long time. She’d like to see you. She misses you too.”
Rafe let out a sharp bitter laugh. “I don’t think so,” she said with a frown. She was not sure what she was going to do about Julia, but she certainly wasn’t going to tell her any secrets. She was sure Julia was already demonizing her in Eden’s eyes by telling her all kinds of things she didn’t want her to know while making love to her.
She couldn’t think about Julia right now. She knew if she thought about her and Eden together, she would just get angry, and she needed to get through this today. She shook her head to clear it of those thoughts.
“No,” Rafe said firmly. “I don’t want to tell her anything.” Eden watched her with questioning eyes. “I think I need to tell you my secrets. I’ve already told you some, and you’re right, you’ve proven you’re trustworthy. It’s just hard,” she said and rubbed her eyes.
It was difficult for Eden to see Rafe so vulnerable. It was part of herself she kept hidden, along with all her secrets. Remembering Rafe saying she was out of control and seeing her in distress now suddenly made Eden doubt herself. She wondered if Gabri had been right, and she should have waited to come. Doctor Cathcart said no one could be expected to be in control all the time. He said everyone needed help sometimes. Everyone kept telling her to grow up and help, including Julia, and she desperately wanted to help Rafe if she could. She thought now she was in a place where maybe she could help Rafe. She could help with this secret and then prove, even if it was just to herself, that she could take Rafe home and take care of her. She moved closer to her and held on to her arm. “I’m sorry things are hard for you right now,” she said then leaned close and kissed her softly. “I love you very much.”
“Okay,” said Rafe and pulled away gently as she looked up at the gate. “We have to be careful here. We can’t do things like this in a Catholic cemetery. Italy isn’t like home.”
“Oh,” Eden said looking out the gate of the mausoleum. No one was there that she could see. She wondered, if no one was around, why Rafe was worried about being careful here, but not at the vineyard. She turned her attention back to Rafe and didn’t argue. “I’m sorry. I understand.” She gave her a reassuring smile. “It’s like going back to my hometown. There are just certain places that are safer than others.”
“Right,” said Rafe returning her small smile. She would let Eden think what she wanted. Right now, though, she just couldn’t have her so close and saying those things. She picked up the canvas bag and put it on her lap. “Do you remember this?”
“Yes,” said Eden nervously. “I’m sorry I brought it. I didn’t know it would upset you.”
“I know,” she said as she opened it and pulled out the drawing pad from inside. She opened the pad and pulled out what looked like a flier. “This was for my mother,” she said softly. “I didn’t have any made for Papa.”
Eden already knew what the paper was that Rafe held. It was the death announcement for Rafe’s mother. “She was beautiful,” she said nodding to the photo on the page.
Rafe just nodded and folded the paper again then put it in the canvas bag. “Do you remember when I told you about my first kiss?”
“With Maria under the bridge.” Eden smiled and nodded. “How could I forget? It was very romantic.”
Rafe tried to smile back but couldn’t hide the pain in her eyes. “This is my school bag she took.”
“What?” Eden said in surprise. “How did you get it back?”
“My mother got it back,” she said and fought the tear threatening to break away from her eye. “Remember I told you my first kiss led to her and Brettito’s death? Well,” she hesitated as her mouth went dry and she worked to get the moisture back, “that’s the secret I need to tell you about.”
37
HER HEART ACHED at the pain she saw on the face of the woman she loved. Eden Kingsley could see Rafe was upset by the memory of whatever happened when she was young. What she didn’t understand, based on what Gabri had told her, was why Rafe thought a kiss led to an auto accident and a shooting outside a jewelry store.
Mindful Rafe was worried someone would see their affection, Eden carefully put her hand on Rafe again. “You can tell me,” she said softly, forcing calmness into her voice like she did for Bronte. “I won’t tell your secret. What happened?”
Rafe put her hand over Eden’s finding comfort in the warmth of her touch. She took a breath and managed to moisten her dry mouth. She cleared her throat and tried to swallow, but it took a couple of tries before she could find her voice.
“I could never forget her kiss,” Rafe said softly as the image of the dark-haired, dark-skinned and dark-eyed Maria filled her mind. She could see her and the way her body moved, her smile and the way every color looked so vibrant against her skin. “I had to see her again. So I made up a game for me, Gabri, and Brettito. We would spy on the zingari and try to learn their magical ways. I told them I just had to know how things worked like crystal balls and tarot cards, whatever I could think of to make them want to play the game.” Rafe closed her eyes and forced her emotions down. Finally, she found the strength to look up into Eden’s soft eyes. “I wanted to be with Maria, but I couldn’t tell anyone.” She looked away, took a deep breath, and then continued. “While Gabri and Brettito were playing the game, I was spending time with Maria and making excuses for me not to be with them.” Inside, she churned with a mix of frustration and guilt. “I was supposed to like boys. I was supposed to love and marry someone like Gabri or Brettito. I did love them,” she choked out sadly, “but I knew, after kissing Maria, it would never happen. I also knew I couldn’t tell anyone back then.”
She glanced at Eden who she could tell didn’t yet understand the depth of her betrayal. “For months, we played the game, and I made excuses to separate myself or skip school and go be with Maria,” she said as she stared at her mother’s tomb.
“After my mother died, I sought out and found Maria again,” she continued her confession. “She missed me and was so happy to have me again. She helped me and took me in. Her whole family was happy to see me whenever I came to see them. They knew my mother had died because Maria had told them, and they let me be part of their family whenever I was there. I knew people didn’t like the zingari or transient people—or whoever they were—but they were just like everyone else. They love and feel and have pride. I think I was lucky to have known them. They were my secret comfort for over a year.”
Rafe hesitated in revealing how deeply she felt about Maria. She had never talked with anyone before Eden about her first love and all the emotions accompanying that life experience. It was a pivotal moment in her life, and it put her on the path to who she would eventually become. It was a path she couldn’t regret taking. But it was also one occupied by the ghosts of everyone she had caused pain. Ghosts who would not stop following her.
“I was spending time with Maria and her family, and I told Gabri and Brettito that I was there to find their secrets. I would tell the boy’s stories about what happened and about all the magical things I saw to keep them interested in the game.”
Rafe looked over at Eden again who stayed quiet as the words she spoke soaked into the veined white marble of the tomb that was almost as cold as the ice it resembled. This was very close to where all Traditorès belonged, she thought.
“I imagined I would run away with Maria,” she finally revealed, knowing it was nowhere close to revealing her true aeipathy[14] for Maria. “We both knew her family would never accept her being with me if they knew about our love. I didn’t think mine would either. So we made the plan of a thirteen and a fifteen-year-old to always be together. Then Brettito died,” she said shakily. “It was very hard for me.”
Eden could see just how hard it still was for Rafe in her haunted face. She remembered everything Gabri told her about Brettito. The image of the photograph Gabri showed her was burned into her mind. She saw Rafe, so young, lying on the hospital bed cov
ered in blood and gore, unconscious. She could feel herself sicken and tremble at the thought of Rafe going through such intense trauma. Her heart went out to her and in her empathy could feel what she knew was probably only a small fraction of the pain Rafe had felt. She wanted to touch her and hold her to give her comfort but stopped herself as Rafe started to speak again.
“I was sick, and Gabri would come over to spend time with me,” said Rafe softly. “I ran away once, looking for Maria, but I couldn’t find her. Then my father made sure I couldn’t leave the house.”
The anguish on Rafe’s face told the story of how much it hurt not to be able to find Maria. Eden wondered if Maria and her family were with the people Gabri mentioned who were driven out of town because of the shooting. They may have been afraid of being blamed further, or of the possible retribution the injured or the families of the dead might seek. She remembered how a big part of their last therapy session was talking about how Rafe had felt abandoned. She wondered if she felt abandoned by Maria, too.
Rafe rubbed her temples and fought the ache spreading from the center of her forehead to the base of her neck whenever she thought about everything that happened when she was young. She pushed through the pain to finish what she had started. “Gabri went to Brettito’s house and got the notebook Brettito’s mother said proved his death was my fault.”
“Wait,” Eden interrupted, unable to help herself. “His mother blamed you for his death?” She watched Rafe nod in confirmation, but Eden couldn’t fathom how anyone could blame a child for a shooting over a jewelry robbery gone wrong.
“Yes,” Rafe said as she nodded then took a shuddering breath. “I knew she was right, but she was wrong about the reason.” She knew the guilt was showing on her face, and she tried to hide it and ease the pain in her head by wiping her hands over her face. “Brettito was trying to find out more zingari secrets for me, and I was spending time with Maria.” She fought back a tear from the pain and the memory. “He thought he would do it all for me, and I would love him and marry him. He died for nothing,” she spat, angry with herself. “I would never have married him,” she said sharply then took a calming breath. “After finding out about the things in the notebook, I don’t think I could have run away even if I wanted to.” The memory of her and Gabri burning the notebook, the evidence of her guilt, flashed through her mind. “Lucky for me, my father took me far away, and I worked on being a good daughter so he would keep me with him. Now he’s gone too,” she said wishing she could crawl inside the tomb with him.
Eden remembered Gabri saying Rafe ran away a lot and wondered if she was looking for Maria all those times or if she was running from her guilt over her friend’s death. She waited for Rafe to continue, but she just looked lost and far away. “How did your mother get the school bag?” she asked softly to bring Rafe out of her thoughts.
Rafe sniffed and wiped her eyes so no tears would fall. Tears were a weakness. She had to maintain control. She was sitting in front of her father, and he would expect control from her, especially when she talked about her mother.
“For a long time,” she started, making sure her voice was clear, strong, and unwavering. “I thought my mother died because I had been skipping school a lot, and she was always trying to get me to go. Remember, I told you I planned to skip that day, but she insisted on going with me. I found out later Brettito’s little sister heard us talking about it and told on us.” She saw Eden nod and knew she remembered what she was told. “Years later, I found out skipping school wasn’t the only thing my mother knew about.” Rafe hesitated, seeing Eden’s misery, but ignoring it. “She knew about Maria,” she whispered because she had never said it out loud before, and it felt wrong. She watched Eden for her reaction, but by the slight widening of her eyes and the tight frown of her mouth, Rafe knew she still didn’t truly understand. Rafe opened the drawing pad and flipped through the pages then handed it to Eden. “Read this,” she said softly. “When my father sent me his car, the first thing I did was clean it and have it detailed. That’s when I found the bag in the trunk. This old drawing pad was in the bag, and I found the letter as I flipped through it. I think she wrote it just days before she died.”
Eden took the pad nervously. It had taken everything in her not to read it when she found it and now she wasn’t sure she wanted to. She took a breath and then looked down at the pad and read.
RAFAELLA,
My beautiful wild child. I’m writing to you because I don’t want you to feel you’re in trouble. I’m writing in English so you’re not embarrassed if one of your friends finds this when you don’t want to share it.
Last week, I found a lovely girl who was selling your book bag near where I was painting. I asked her about the bag because I knew you needed a new one to replace the one you lost. She told me it was a magical bag, and it had the power to bring love to the owner. When I looked in the bag I laughed because I knew from the nametag inside it was the bag you had lost a few weeks ago. I bought the bag from her. She was a very beautiful girl and hard to forget.
I saw the girl head for the grotto so I followed her to ask her if she would sit for me to paint. As I looked for her, I saw you. I was very surprised to see you out of school again. I saw the girl take your hand with a smile. Then you kissed sweetly before walking away together.
Yes, I was shocked and confused because you were kissing a girl. I admit I went through a whole catalog of emotions as you walked away with her. I was even tempted to march up to you and drag you straight home, but only for a moment. The reason I stopped was that I asked myself if I trusted you, and I knew I did. I also reminded myself the world is full of all kinds of love, and it’s all so very beautiful. What concerned me most was the possibility she was taking advantage of you, and I was worried because I could tell she was older than you.
So, I confess, I followed you for a short distance. I saw you seemed to be quite in control of the situation. She was showering you with gifts, and you refused them all. She tried to kiss you, but you refused until you were ready. She stole from a vendor, and you paid him. I was amazed at you and how you handled yourself because you’re only twelve, but you showed me you’re very mature and my trust was justified.
It’s true now I can see you will love women. I can see you are naturally drawn because we have never talked about love, and you’re doing what feels natural to you. I don’t know if you’ll always have a love for women or if you will love both women and men in your lifetime. I know your father thinks you’ll be with Gabri or Brettito when you grow up because you’re all so close. I have talked to your father about what I saw, and he too understands he must let you love who you will love. That being said, we also agree you must stop skipping school to see her. You already know all the arguments about why you should not be skipping school, and they all apply to this situation too.
We do hope you will bring her home and introduce us to her when you’re ready. We’d like to know her name and all about her. I would love to talk to you about how you met her, and how you feel, and all the other things mothers and daughters talk about involving love. I admit I may not know everything you’ll want to know, but I’m sure all the basics of love are the same for every soul.
When you go through life, my wild child, most importantly what we want you to know is—we love you. We know whoever you love and give your heart to will be very lucky. We know you will love them in your special way and be thoughtful with their hearts, and we hope you will always be thoughtful of your own heart too. Let your heart lead you but allow your head to hold the reins.
Someday, when you grow up, all your adventures may suddenly not be enough anymore to make you happy. You’ll want to have a stable life full of love and joy and family. When the time comes, I hope you find a love like the one your father and I have together.
Find someone, the person of your choice, who thinks about you as much as you think about them. Someone who shares a love for the same things you do and for the things you feel are impor
tant in life. Though I know you will be as beautiful as your father, I hope you won’t judge others by their looks or other superficial things like money or class status. I hope you find your equal in passion and in intellect and they share your goals for your future. Look for a good heart, a happy soul, a tender and caring disposition, yet do not be afraid of one who challenges you and pushes you to grow positively.
You’ll know when you find the right person, just as your father and I knew. There’s not a moment that goes by where we don’t feel the love we have for each other. Our world is better because we’re friends who have respect for each other as well as lovers who share a passion for living and the small things making up our lives every day. When I met your father, my heart settled into a warm place even before we knew each other’s names. That feeling has never left me, and I know it will be with me all my life. If we came together from two very different continents and overcame challenges like language and traditions and income and the differences in our ages, I know you can overcome any challenges life may put in front of you when it comes to finding love.
I love you, my beautiful wild child. Be who you are, always, and know you were brought into the world as a result of deep and true love. This means you are blessed as many are not, and this gives you an advantage in life because some people never see love at all. I know love will not be easy, it isn’t easy for anyone all the time, but I know when the time comes, you will be up to the challenge, and the adventure love will bring you.
Love who you will, love them well, and allow them to love you equally. It will be your greatest adventure, and you will prevail, my loving wild child.
Mamma
SCRIBBLED AT THE BOTTOM in Rafe’s clear, neat handwriting:
I found her, and my heart is settled into a warm space. I like the way she sees me. Her name is Eden, and she is golden like the rays of love from Cyprian the Fair. I wonder if she is the one who takes me to walk on those rays. I’m in love with her. I think you would love her too. I’m the happiest I have ever been and can’t wait to begin our adventure!
Cyprian the Fair Page 23
