Kymora slid one hand from Varian’s face to touch the amulet lying on her chest.
“Four years later, Kalan and I were found on a search. He went straight to the Light Blade barracks to begin his training as a warrior. I started my studies at the Temple not long after. My Gift was most suited to serving the Lady. By then I’d learnt how to use a staff and all my other senses to compensate for my lack of sight.”
She’d honed her Gift so well the Temple Elect at that time had chosen her to help the senior Servants with dispute settlements. Being able to read people’s auras during times of high emotion helped with counseling.
“In a class full of sighted acolytes, book learning and the challenge of performing the required rituals or duties were difficult.” She cringed inwardly at the memories of how her peers disliked being assigned to read the lessons to her so she could memorize them but spoke about it anyway. “Very few wanted to help someone who was… different.”
“Children can be cruel.”
Varian’s voice trailed off as she traced the raised ridge of scar tissue along his cheek. “How old were you when you received that?”
“Fourteen. A Na’Reish warrior followed Hesia one day when she brought food to us. As one of the oldest, I was on watch outside the cavern where we were living. Surprise was my only advantage.”
She didn’t have to ask him if he’d killed the warrior. Na’Reish demons, of any class, valued the purity of bloodlines to the point of obsession. Had Varian not killed him, Hesia would have died, too, for helping them.
The Na’Chi had inherited the prejudice for physical deformities from their Na’Reish parentage.
“Your story?” Varian prompted. “How did you end up as Temple Elect?”
The knot hardening in her stomach made her consider editing her answer. Not even Kalan knew the full details of what happened after she was appointed as Temple Elect, but Varian needed to understand her past to understand his. She moved a few paces away.
“When my predecessor died in his sleep, the Temple Servants and Blade Council considered many of my teachers as his replacement.” Smoothing her thumb over her amulet, she continued. “The Lady Herself appeared to the most senior Servant declaring Her choice. Me. I hadn’t even achieved Handmaiden status, just went straight from acolyte to Temple Elect in one night.”
“That didn’t usually happen?”
She shook her head. “It’s only occurred one other time in recorded history. Then, the acolyte was in her thirties, much more educated in the teachings of the Lady, and with years of life experience.” Kymora turned so Varian could see her face as she continued. “Can you imagine the Blade Council’s response to my being appointed? Keep in mind many of the Councilors were those you met the day you claimed sanctuary from me—Benth, Corvas, Davyn, and Yance.”
“All seasoned Light Blade warriors.”
She ticked off her fingers as she went. “I was twenty-one… an acolyte completing my studies… still discovering the limitations of my Gift… and blind.” She licked her lips, her mouth dry. “Suddenly, I was expected to lead as the head of our order. The position demanded I make decisions about religious affairs and give opinions to Councilors who were twice my age.”
“Wasn’t Kalan your Chosen then?”
“Not for another two years.”
“All of them were followers of the Lady, surely they had faith in Her decision?”
“While they couldn’t refuse Her choice, the Council debated it for three weeks.” Her pulse throbbed so hard her whole body tingled. She stroked her amulet, lips thinning. “They agreed that the skill involved with my Gift and the insights that came from it would offset the issue of appointing one so young to the position of Temple Elect.”
“They needed an excuse to accept your appointment? Condescending idiots!”
His outrage on her behalf heartened Kymora, but still she ducked her head.
“Kymora?” Varian’s hand covered hers, inhibiting her action. “What’s wrong?”
“They might have needed an excuse to value my appointment”—her voice wavered and she cleared her throat twice before being able to continue—“but so did I. I needed them to accept me so badly it was easier to let them believe what they wanted. Although by doing that, everyone assumed I could cope.
“For a while I even convinced myself I could. Eventually the complexities of the issues were way beyond my expertise.” A strangled laugh escaped from her before she could stop it. “I realized too late I couldn’t confide or turn to any of my teachers or other Servants for advice.”
“They wanted a confident leader, not one who had doubts or concerns as real as their own.”
Kymora nodded. “My own desires isolated me.”
“Why do you blame yourself when their lack of faith contributed to the mess as well?”
She gave a half shrug. “I turned to Kalan and Arek for help, but I let them believe they were two of several people I asked for counsel. We talked over problems, made lists of solutions. I spent hours in the Temple in meditation and prayer. With the Lady’s patience and their guidance, I struggled through the two years until Kalan became Chosen.
“I’m sure the Lady meant it as a lesson in humility, and I took it as such, but that time of my life isn’t something I’m proud of so I’ve kept it to myself.”
Until now, although she didn’t voice those words aloud. For a long moment Varian said nothing; he even stopped rubbing her knuckles. Nothing in his aura hinted at his thoughts; it was as if he’d locked down every emotion. Did he believe her?
“We’re more alike than you think.” Heart beating hard in her chest, Kymora laced her fingers through his. “There’s no need for you to be alone anymore, Varian. Can’t you see that?”
Chapter 13
THERE’S no need for you to be alone anymore.
Varian’s heart twisted as Kymora’s declaration played over in his mind. How could nine simple words have the power to breathe life so quickly into a desire long suppressed?
How many nights had he stared up at the sky and wished for a life where enduring loneliness wasn’t a daily struggle? And how many times had he denied any of it even mattered because he knew the impossibility of his dreams, instead forging on, ignoring the longing, burying the emotion so deep he’d thought it’d died in the darkness?
Kymora understood.
Varian let her go and sank to his knees on the leaf-littered ground, head bowed, hands clenched on his thighs so hard his knuckles turned white. He shuddered, throat so tight he could barely breathe.
While their upbringing had been entirely different, some of the events in her life mirrored his own. Some good, more than a little of it ugly, and she’d refrained from censoring any of it.
She. Really. Understood.
Her hand brushed the crown of his head.
“It’s all right. I’m here.” Her hand squeezed his shoulder. “You don’t have to be alone anymore.”
The bag on her shoulder slid to the ground a heartbeat before she knelt in front of him. She stroked his bowed head; the simple gesture and warmth of her touch provoked a peculiar yet strangely familiar feeling within him. What was it?
Trawling through his memories, it took going back over a decade to discover the answer.
“Why don’t our mothers want us, Hesia?” The echo of his own voice as he saw a younger version of Hesia’s care-worn face in his mind. “Why are the Na’Reish trying to kill us?”
Beyond the darkened entrance to the cave where they sheltered and hid from the patrols, the winter wind carried the cold breath of first snow. Huddled around a small fire, he and half a dozen other Na’Chi children waited for the healer to answer.
A tiny cry came from inside the small basket sitting beside Hesia. She reached in to comfort the newest member of their small group.
“The why isn’t important, Varian.” The newborn settled, and she placed her arm around six-year-old Fannis. “You need to remember the Lady considers each of you
as precious as any Na’Reish or human child. She loves all of you.”
Her gentle blue gaze linked with his and her smile warmed him more than the flames of the fire between them.
“She loves your markings”—she ran a finger over Fannis’s temple—“the color of your eyes, even your need to drink blood.” Her expression became more serious. “The bond you all share is unique. You might have different mothers and fathers, but you’re like a family now. You need to be there and care for one another. Don’t forget that.”
Varian shared a look with the others seated in the circle, the significance of Hesia’s words sinking into his ten-year-old mind. The children around him, and those Hesia would bring to live with them, were his brothers and sisters.
Lisella’s hand crept into his and squeezed, then she’d reached to take the hand of the person who sat beside her, until eventually each of them were linked together. They were bound by blood and had to look out for one another. They accepted one another. That was all that mattered.
The connection between them then was the same sensation warming Varian now. For the first time in a very long while, he felt a sense of belonging.
Of recognition and acceptance.
Every part of him fed on the sensation, savoring it until he floated like he was on a blood-high. He had trouble swallowing. The muted greens and dappled shadows on the leaves beneath his knees blurred.
Varian sucked in another uneven breath, the scent of spring flowers and sunshine filling his lungs. Blinking against the burning in his eyes, he lifted his head. While Kymora’s deep green eyes were unfocused and fixed to the left of him, they sparkled with life and a quiet strength very few probably recognized. The peaceful expression on her face was compelling, exquisite.
The ache in his chest to feel even a fraction of what she was feeling stabbed so hard he winced. How did a person find such calm? He couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t worried about the future or fought for everything he’d ever needed. He felt lost, unsure of himself, and hated it. He scrubbed a hand over his face, so tired of trying to understand his fluctuating emotions.
“Talking could help.” Kymora’s words were soft, hesitant, and her pale pink lips curved at the corners in a small, nervous smile. Varian frowned. She was reading his aura. He stiffened. Her smile faltered. “Or not. We can just sit here if that’s what you want.”
What he wanted…
Fisting his hands on his thighs, Varian stared at her, his gaze drifting to her lips. They looked soft. Her mouth parted and her teeth caught the flesh of her bottom lip and gnawed at it. Desire rushed through him, making him hard.
Just once he wanted to taste her. To know what it would be like to kiss a woman who cared for him.
In front of him, Kymora stilled. “Varian?”
His heart kicked in his chest. She was using her skill again. If she couldn’t figure it out, there was no way he was going to tell her what he was feeling.
Her hand skimmed along his arm as she reached up to touch his face. The feel of her fingers as she trailed them over his jaw, his chin, his mouth, ignited a burn deep inside him. She cupped his face in her hands.
Instinct warned him it would be foolish to let her continue, but no one had ever touched him like she did, like she saw something good in him. For an instant, he felt as if he were whatever she imagined him to be.
Not the leader.
Not the warrior.
Not the killer.
Something else, something more, and even though it frightened him, he liked what he felt. A groan welled from deep inside his chest.
“Varian, it’s all right.” A flush stained her cheeks. Her fingers tangled in his hair. He shuddered. “I think I understand.”
Varian gripped his thighs hard to stop himself from closing the distance between them. He had little doubt that Kymora would allow him such intimacy. That she would, filled him with tentative hope, something he hadn’t felt in a very long time, but she didn’t know the real him. Acting on what he felt would be wrong.
He grasped her arms, but before he could move her away from him, she tugged his head downward and laid her lips against his.
Chapter 14
KYMORA’S head spun at her audacity, but kissing Varian seemed right. His emotions were swinging wildly enough, yet the one she sensed strongest was desire. She pressed her mouth to his lightly, careful not to crowd him or push him into backing off.
Varian’s lips were incredibly soft, warm, and edged with the delicious friction of stubble. Hot, shocking, delicious. During her younger years, she’d heard her classmates talk about the pleasure involved in a first kiss, but she’d never imagined it would be like this. Sweet and addictive.
She hovered over his mouth, her breath mingling with his, her lungs filled with his woodsy, outdoors scent. Merciful Mother, why wasn’t he responding? Wasn’t she doing it right?
Varian grasped her upper arms. With a growl that came from the back of his throat, he pushed her away from him as his aura flared again. She gasped, her senses overwhelmed. This time even her skin felt flame burned. The sensation fanned over her body and spread through her limbs until the heat pooled low between her thighs. She arched toward him.
“What are you doing?” His voice was so deep it was guttural.
The flush on her cheeks deepened and spread down her neck, but she kept her head high. “I thought that would be obvious.”
His fingers tightened on her arms. “Why?”
She placed a hand on his chest. His desire was so strong there was no misinterpreting it. Her mouth went dry anyway.
“Because I thought you… we… we would enjoy it.”
The emotions pouring from him cut off so fast she swayed. With a hissed curse, he released her. Kymora bit her lip as she listened to him scramble away from her. His rejection felt like a slap in the face.
The awful truth was she’d brought it on herself. Acting on impulse had been a stupid thing to do. She’d promised Lisella and Zaune she wouldn’t push him, and what had she done?
More slowly, she rose to her feet, reaching out for any nearby tree. Her forearm brushed a sapling and she used it to lean against. “I’m sorry.… I’m so sorry.” She squeezed the trunk until her fingers ached. “I felt your desire….” What could she say to him to make it right? “I acted on instinct—”
Still no response.
Kymora bit her lip. She was only making the situation worse. Where had she dropped her staff? One step to the right, then another, and her boot connected with something soft. The bag. She scooped it up.
“I know I don’t have a lot of experience in kissing someone but I thought you—” She ducked her head, throat closing over. More heat burned her cheeks. She swept the ground with her boot. Where was her staff?
She wasn’t expecting Varian’s hands to lock around her biceps, nor the speed with which he propelled her backward. He wasn’t rough but neither was he gentle as he pressed her back against the trunk of a tree. She let out a startled cry followed by a gasp when he pinned her there with his body.
The man was a wall of sleek, rigid muscle. His hips rested slightly above hers while his firm, taut stomach leaned against her in a way that brought another rush of heat, this one deep inside her. His bare torso wasn’t the only part of his body that was rock hard and unyielding. Her breasts drew tight and the heavy, throbbing ache between her legs reignited.
“Not experienced?” Varian’s words were so close to her mouth his warm breath scorched her lips. His voice vibrated through her like the sound of distant thunder. “Your claim is untrue.”
“No… that was my first kiss.” Her voice hitched as his fingers tightened their grip. In disbelief or surprise she wasn’t sure. “When would I have had the time to have a relationship? And with whom? My peers? The ones who resented my presence?”
The tension arcing between them held her motionless. Instinct warned her Varian was poised on the edge. Of what, she couldn’t fathom. He’d shut himself off
from her again and all she had to go on was her sense of touch.
“That was your first kiss?” he rasped.
“Yes.”
His body relaxed the tiniest bit. It gave her hope.
“Why would you waste it on someone like me?” The anguished anger in his question helped her push aside her doubt. She hated the shame in his voice.
“How can you say that?” she countered. “Kissing you is not a waste. I’d like to do it again….”
His erection pushed against her abdomen, thickened. Did that mean he liked the idea or was it just an automatic reaction to her words?
“Kymora—” His breathing was harsh and uneven like he was trying to control himself. “I don’t know….” He swallowed hard, the sound loud in the quiet between them.
Common sense warned her to back off and give him some space. Her heart urged her to try to reach him, to show him it was all right to care, to trust someone. To trust her.
“Where’s the harm in sharing pleasure, Varian?” she asked, softly. “Especially as we both want it?”
A long moment passed, then, “I don’t know how.”
“You don’t know how?”
“To kiss.” His admission was low pitched, hoarse. “To give you pleasure.”
Kymora stopped breathing. He’d just experienced his first kiss, too? What were the chances of that?
“Now who’s the disbeliever?” Varian’s dry sarcasm made her flush. “You’re blind so you don’t have a visual reminder of my imperfection.”
“It’s just one scar!”
“One scar too many.”
She blinked. “The Na’Chi women told you that?”
“They talk…. I see it in their faces.”
He bit off his words as if he realized what he’d just said. Kymora’s temper sparked. Since living with the Na’Chi, she’d heard them speak in whispers about her disability. During the first few weeks, everyone except Varian had smothered her with assistance, treating her like a child.
Sure she’d needed their help to orient herself to a new environment, but there was a lot of difference between being dependent on someone as opposed to getting used to a change in circumstances. Their assumption she belonged in the former category grated. Some, like Lisella and Zaune, had since learned otherwise, but most still viewed her as helpless, so she could relate to what Varian was feeling.
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