Beneath his skin his muscles twitched. The urge to hurl the cup against the wall and listen to it smash beat as hard as his pulse. His hand shook as he placed the cup down again.
Why wasn’t that part of him submerging? Returning to the darkness where it belonged? He sucked in several deep breaths.
Issuing another growl, he scrubbed both hands over his face, then grimaced at the itchy feeling of dried blood and sweat that still remained on him from the battle.
Mother of Light, a bath wouldn’t go astray, if only to get rid of the Na’Reish stink from his skin. He plucked at the ties on the thick leather vest. Maybe that would settle his other half.
A quiet knock at the door came as he flung the heavy vest over the back of a chair. He ignored it and unbuckled his weapons belt.
The knock occurred again, a little harder. “Varian? It’s me, Zaune.”
After hearing Kalan would be all right, he’d returned to the Na’Chi apartments, declining the younger scout’s invitation to join them in the common room to eat and feed, preferring the solitude of his own room, too wired to risk remaining among company.
“Go away.” Words whispered through gritted teeth. “Not. Now.” If Zaune thought he’d changed his mind, then the scout would find out he was mistaken. It was tempting to send him away, but he couldn’t ignore the possibility that Zaune might be here for another reason. Raising his voice, he called, “What?”
The latch on the wooden door lifted and it swung open. The young scout peered into the room, his expression wary. “There’s someone here to see you.”
Varian tensed. The last thing he wanted right now was a visitor.
“Varian, may I come in?” Kymora’s soft, melodic voice came from behind the scout.
The sound of it wound its way through him until it pooled in his gut. Everything in him went tight, alert. The feeling it evoked was primal.
Wild.
He froze. The last thing he needed was Kymora sensing him like this. He backed away from the door and put the table between them. The edge of the leather belt bit into the palms of his hands as he squeezed it.
Zaune’s gaze dipped, noting his movement, then it narrowed. When Kymora started through the door, he held an arm out to block her from entering. The protective gesture provoked the beast in him while his human half lauded the scout.
“Now’s probably not the best time,” Zaune murmured.
“Varian?” The slight hoarseness in her voice made it crack as she spoke his name. His gaze snapped to her face. She looked pale, tired; dark smudges ringed her eyes. The wildness inside him clawed to get free. Every instinct screamed that he go to her.
He couldn’t.
She should go. He didn’t want her here.
Liar. The word exploded from the darkness in his mind.
He threw the belt on the table, harder than necessary, and it clattered against the wood.
Kymora flinched. A fine tremor ran through her body; her fingers flexed around her staff. She stood firm.
You need her.
Invite her in. She needs you.
He frowned, then inhaled. Her scent filled his lungs, a familiar combination of sunshine and sweet flowers, but there was a darker undertone, slightly soured.
Grief. Sorrow. Sharp and raw.
And it reminded him why he couldn’t deal with her now. She needed comfort, but he was the last person she should be relying on to provide it.
“You should listen to Zaune, Kymora.” His gruff reply earned him a glare from Zaune. Varian ignored it and turned away from them, not waiting to see them leave.
Instead he headed for the archway that led to the bathing room. His muscles hadn’t stopped twitching, and the edges of his vision were beginning to wash out. Reaching for the collar of his shirt, he pulled it over his head. In his haste, the material tore. He peeled off the rest of his clothes and left them where they fell, scattered in a haphazard trail across the floor. His lack of control was unnerving.
Padding to the edge of the rectangular pool set into the floor, he untied the leather strip holding back his hair. Steam rose from the bath in lazy spirals. Beneath the steam, the surface of the water rippled, moving across the pool where it trickled into a trough set at water level.
The steady sound of it washing away into pipes built into the floor reminded him of the waterfalls he used to wash under in the forest. The only difference being the heated water, a luxury he appreciated since coming to live among the humans.
For half a second, he considered lighting one of the braziers but couldn’t see the point. He could see just as well without it. Besides, soaking in the semidarkness suited his mood anyway.
Sinking into the water, he closed his eyes and submerged, glad the pool was large enough to fit his long frame. All sight and sound cut off as he stayed there, holding his breath. The heat soaked into him. The utter darkness and silence was as close to peaceful as he was going to get. Pity he had to breathe.
Surfacing, he slicked his hair back off his face, then leaned against the side. He stared up at the shadowed ceiling, willing himself to think of nothing to do with the events of the day.
The faint clack of wood on stone whipped his head around. A shadow crossed the archway in the other room.
“Kymora?”
“Yes?”
Disbelief racked him. “What are you doing here?”
There was silence after his question. Perhaps the angry growl in his voice was making her reconsider her decision of intruding on him. He hoped so.
“I didn’t want to be alone tonight.” Her reply was quiet, barely above a whisper.
The emotion in her voice hit him low in the gut, tugged at him like hooks in a fin-swimmer. The image of her standing in his apartment doorway, her face strained by grief, remained vivid.
His fingernails clawed at the bottom of the pool. “There’s a room full of Na’Chi down the corridor.”
Again there was silence, then the hollow tap-tap-tap came toward the room. Kymora appeared silhouetted in the archway, her mouth a flat line, her face pinched with raw emotion.
“Do you know how worried the others are about you?” A fine tremor of anger laced her question. “Stop isolating yourself from those who care.” She hesitated, blinking rapidly. She swallowed hard. “I need you.”
Varian clenched his jaw at the shine of tears in her eyes. As much as he wanted to deny her, the promise he’d made to her the night of the Summer’s End Festival bound him. Rather than deflect her, he tried to warn her.
“You have no idea what you’re asking of me right now, Kymora.” His voice was so deep it grated. Just a few minutes in the water had restored some of his color vision, but it washed away again with her words.
She stepped farther into the room, a familiar jut to her chin. Beneath the water, his hands clenched. Mother of Light, she was as stubborn and contrary as him. Just how far would she push him?
“I can feel your need, too, Varian.”
The beast inside him reacted, almost as if it’d been waiting for her to challenge him. Varian surged from the pool. Water sluiced off him in sheets. He headed straight for her.
Kymora retreated half a step, her expression morphing into shock at whatever she sensed coming from him. Reaching out, he yanked the wooden staff from her hands and flung it away. It cracked against the wall, then bounced away across the floor, the staccato beat loud, discordant.
Crimson hues outlined everything. She wanted honesty? He’d give it to her. He grabbed her shoulders and propelled her toward the wall behind her. Pinning her there, he leaned in close.
His lips brushed the shell of her ear. “What need can you sense in me, Kymora? Because I’m struggling with more than one,” he growled.
She shivered beneath his touch. Her natural scent changed. Became the faintest mix of spices and acidic sourness. Desire laced with unease.
His pulse quickened. Fire licked beneath his skin. One heartbeat and predatory instinct morphed into raw sexual arousal
. The intensity stole his breath. Kymora’s rapid breaths puffed against his cheek. Her scent curled its way through him.
Varian shook with the effort to stop himself leaning into her and taking her mouth with his. One kiss. One simple kiss and he’d lose control. Kymora wasn’t ready for what that would unleash.
Lady of Light, he wasn’t ready.
Kymora swallowed dryly, frozen in place by Varian’s voice. It didn’t sound like him at all. It was hard and rough and so deep it vibrated right through her. The volatile energy emanating from him made her breath catch. She pulled away but had nowhere to go with the wall at her back.
“Well, Kymora?” The earlier coldness was gone, altered into a gravelly rumble that stroked her senses.
His hand skimmed along the side of her neck, and his thumb pressed under her jaw, tilting her head toward him until she could feel his breath against her lips. His touch was gentle, almost tender.
His thumb stroked the tendon in her neck. Heat flushed through her and her heart pounded faster. She tried to calm herself and focus on his aura, but it pulsed and beat against hers. This close to him, she could no longer distinguish what his emotions were.
There’d been pain, like she’d sensed before as he’d knelt at the foot of Rystin’s grave. Guilt. Anger. Denial. Helplessness. Exhaustion. Fear. Each poured from him, raw and unchecked, like pus from a wound.
Yet she’d also felt his need for comfort and a flicker of desire in the wildness threading all these emotions together before he’d leapt from the pool and closed in on her. Now they were all so intense they blended together into one searing ball. She couldn’t tell which one dominated. The swift changes in his moods left her confused. And apprehensive.
Lisella had tried to warn her. Perhaps she should have listened.
Wet skin dampened the palm of her hand as she tried to push him away, but he was a hard wall of sleek muscle, impossible to budge. “Varian, you’re scaring me.”
“Now you exhibit some self-preservation?” She flinched at his sarcasm, but he moved half a step back from her. “Get out of here, Kymora, before I lose what little control I have left.”
He released her, his touch gone so swiftly she swayed and had to press her hands to the wall to steady herself. Instinct warned her to leave while she could. But the tiniest waver in his voice made her pause.
Without her Gift, reading his voice was all she had to rely on.
Mother of Light, guide me so I can help him. So I can help us both.
Heart pounding in her chest, she stayed where she was. She licked dry lips. “Would that really be such a bad thing?”
Chapter 25
“LEAVE, Kymora!” Varian’s voice never rose above a hoarse rumble, but anger edged each word. “Can’t you feel how close I am to losing it?”
Kymora shivered but didn’t back down. “Your emotions are so strong they’re blinding me. I can’t tell one from the other. If you’d talk to me—”
Varian’s curse cut her off. The air stirred in front of her. She started as his hands grabbed her shoulders. Her temper ignited. She brought her arms up, elbows out, and broke his hold on her. She thrust both palms forward. They slapped against the bare flesh of his chest. He grunted but it didn’t push him away from her like it should have. He was just too strong.
“Don’t manhandle me, Varian,” she warned him. “Just tell me what you want!”
Breath hissed from him. “Tell you?” he rasped. “How can I when I don’t even know?”
The muscles beneath her hands shifted, flexed. Two thuds close to her head made her flinch, his arms caging her in against the wall. Pure strength surrounded her. Hot. Dangerous.
The air between them vibrated with tension, and with something else that started a warm flutter in her stomach. Temper and desire warred inside her. Why wouldn’t he open up? How could she be aroused at a time like this?
His mouth covered hers in a kiss. Hard. Savage. The power of it poured into her, so intense it broke through her shields. It left her stunned. But it was the heat behind it that overwhelmed her. Fire consumed her, racing along every nerve ending, sinking beneath her skin, spiraling past muscle and bone until it reached her center, and once there it exploded, searing her from the inside out. She had no control over what she felt, no sense of time, no thought outside the all-consuming kiss.
Varian’s fingers threaded through her hair, tangling, tightening, tilting her head back, breaking their kiss. Kymora sucked in a desperate breath. Sometime during it, she’d wrapped her arms around his waist. Her hands lay on the flat planes of his back, her fingers tracing the muscled ridges on either side of his spine. Only his body pressing against hers kept her upright.
Varian shuddered against her, his soft groan vibrating through his chest, then into her. The sound rolled through the length of her body. She arched against him, absorbing the sensation.
His lips claimed hers again, just as hungry, just as hard, but only for a heartbeat. Then they began to soften; his hands cradled, then cupped the back of her head. His mouth parted and his tongue tasted her, just the barest lick across her bottom lip. She moaned, her fingers digging into his back, needing more. Craving it.
Another tortured groan came from deep inside his chest. “I can’t control myself.” His gravelly voice rasped against her senses. “I’ll hurt you.”
This close to him, touching him skin to skin, his fear jolted like a shock against her heart. Kymora suppressed her elation over the revelation. A few weeks ago, he’d never have revealed any sort of weakness, to anyone.
“You won’t.” She sounded breathless, and in truth she was. Merciful Mother, she hadn’t expected his kiss or the intensity of it. Hand shaking, she felt for his face, his cheek. Stubble abraded her palm. His head turned into it. “I liked your kiss.” She ran her fingers over his lips, enjoying their soft texture, the moist remnants of the unexpected kiss. “I trust you.”
His hot breath dampened the skin on her wrist. She gasped as his teeth bit into the fleshy part of her thumb, just hard enough to sting. Pure pleasure streaked through her, first to her breasts, tightening her nipples, then hard downward, straight to her core.
He released her thumb, and his damp forehead pressed against hers. “You shouldn’t.”
He shifted closer, wedging himself against her from hip to shoulder. All lean muscle. Steamy heat and hardness. His escalating hunger a fiery caress against her mind, threatening to burn out of control and take her with him. Again.
“This is dangerous. I have very little control over this side of me, Kymora.”
His admission sounded torn, like it had been ripped from somewhere deep inside him, but Lady’s Light, he was finally talking to her. She tried to focus on that and put aside the pleasure, for the moment.
Easier said than done as she placed her hands at his waist and the temptation to trace the jut of his hip bones beckoned. If she reached around, she’d find his body markings trailing down his back and over the sides of his buttocks. “You’re talking about the battle rush?”
“This isn’t me….”
The more she thought about how the Na’Chi treated Varian, and that included Lisella and Zaune, the angrier she became on his behalf. Allowing such a generous, giving man to doubt himself to the point he abhorred the very essence of what he was, whether through thoughtless comments or resignation… they were all complicit.
Blessed Mother, if only he could see himself through her eyes.
“Varian, it is you.” There was a swift intake of breath and he stiffened beneath her touch. She didn’t let him vocalize his protest. “You’re demon. You’re also human. You’re tough, ruthless, and harsh when you need to be. But you worry, you care, and you’re dedicated to seeing to the safety of your people.” She spread her fingers against his chest, over his heart. “You have the qualities and the flaws of both. You’re as the Lady made you. You can’t value one above the other. Human, Na’Reish, Na’Chi… you’re each of these. And I want you… as… you
… are.”
He stilled. The silence lengthened. Would he believe her truths? His aura trembled, the rawness of his pain vying with a sensation of lightness. That gave her hope. And it made her next decision easier.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt your bath.” She ducked under one arm and slid her hand along the other to pull him away from the wall. Her boots splashed in the puddles of water Varian had made getting out. “Get back in and I’ll join you.”
Without waiting to see if he entered the pool or not, she made her way to the wall where the hooks for towels and hanging clothes were located. She hung her Lady’s amulet on one, then toed off her boots.
Varian’s lack of response had her biting her lip. Was she doing the right thing? Twice before, despite his obvious desire for her, he’d pushed her away. Would he do that now? Had she read him wrong?
Kymora reached for the tie at the back of her Temple robe and began unlacing it. Her skin felt almost too sensitive. Her breasts ached and her nipples remained taut from their kiss. The heat lingered, too, banked low, the evidence in the wetness between her thighs. No sound came from behind her, yet her shoulder blades itched.
Varian was watching her.
Her body flushed as she shrugged out of the robe and let it fall to the floor, clad in nothing but her skin and her need for him. Hands shaking, she hung it on the same hook as her amulet. His continued silence sent a shiver along her spine. She bit her lip and remained facing the wall.
Then water splashed behind her.
“Be careful crossing the floor.” Varian’s voice was slightly muffled, like he’d turned away from her. “It’s slippery.”
Kymora took a slow, deep breath. The note of wary acceptance in his voice allowed her to turn and make her way to the pool.
Varian lifted his gaze only once Kymora entered the water, then slid to the opposite side. To remain any closer would be too much of a lure. He’d kissed her. Twice. And the second time he had been barely able to pull away.
As it was, he’d acted like an animal, wild and uncontrolled. His cheeks burned with the memory, in shame but also in confusion. Kymora’s arousal, her hot, sweet scent, had filled his lungs, and even now it carried across the distance separating them.
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