by ML Nystrom
Tambre handed me her debit card and smiled back. “No problem. Local artists, local business. Keeps the money circulating in our own town instead of off in the internet somewhere else.”
I loved these extraordinary women.
“If you want to donate some stuff, I’m holding a silent auction at the Halloween party to raise some money to help the families of them kids pay for the hospital bills,” Betsey said, getting herself together.
“Or the funerals,” Tambre added, reminding us that this was a serious problem.
The ladies made their purchases and left. Betsey insisted I take her cell number in case the kids ever ended up in my shop again and I needed someone to come get them. I took it as it was easier than arguing with her.
Eleven
The next few weeks were fairly routine. Blue and I went through our morning ritual at the coffee shop and I made a point of smiling and blinking at him, telling him nonverbally that everything was fine in my world. If he made it to the coffee shop first, he would buy me a cup and have it waiting. If I arrived there first, I did the same for him, but he would frown at me for it, saying he should be the one to buy. We would chat about the weather, the high school football season, the town council, and whatever current event was taking place. He would help me with my shipping run. Then he would go to his work and I’d go to mine. Occasionally, he would text me at night when he saw my lights on late. He would ask if I was okay and how my day went. I would respond, telling him something positive that had happened. I even made up a few bits just to have something to say that was good. He still had the town to protect and so far there weren’t any breaks in the drug overdose cases. I knew it was wearing on him and anything that could be uplifting would be good for him to hear.
Sam continued to blossom under my care and became more and more social. He started play-bowing a lot and trying to entice the other dogs to romp with him. They all played and wrestled together, even Toto, although she didn’t participate in the festivities for very long. Sam did seem to gravitate toward kids and was especially pleased to see Cody and Michelle the few times their grandmother brought them to the store after school or when we ran into them at the playground area. Sam had his favorite rope toy that he would shake and play-growl at the little boy to take and throw. Cody would laugh like crazy when the hulking dog bounded after the toy and pounced on it. I didn’t think either of them ever would tire of the game.
I saw Blue at the park sometimes too, usually still in uniform. He would sometimes talk to me if the kids were playing with the dogs and other times he would be playing with his kids on the equipment, not caring if anyone saw him monkeying around. I loved watching him chasing the squealing kids around, pretending to be a monster. Seeing Blue mess around with Cody and Michelle made me regret agreeing to Adam’s decision. He didn’t want to leave me alone to raise a kid by myself nor did he want to put that burden of losing a parent at a young age on a child. I admit, it would have made things harder, but I would have managed to make it work. I would have embraced motherhood and cherished every moment I was allowed the privilege.
It was early, but the evenings were getting darker and colder earlier. I still made the trudging walk to the park and stayed as long as I could every evening. The dogs needed the space as much as I did while we still had the weather and light to do so. There was a cold snap coming through and frost was in the air. I could see my breath forming steam as we walked the distance. I wore my heavy royal blue jacket and added a raspberry beret and mittens my Mom knitted for me. Even just walking to the park, I was going to be fashionable. The place was nearly deserted, but I could see Blue and his kids playing hard and staying warm. Cody let out a happy screech and ran toward Sam, who was carrying the shredding rope toy. He bowed and panted at the boy, dropping the slobbery knots at his feet. Sam seldom barked, but once in a while he would guff when he needed to make a point. Blue came over to where I was with a screaming and laughing Michelle hanging down by her feet over his shoulder. He righted her in a big swoop before setting her on her feet. She spun around dizzily for a bit before collapsing next to Toto and hugging the old dog.
“Hey, Psalm, how’s it goin’?” he asked, his eyes full of happiness and a big easy smile on his face. This was as relaxed as I’d seen him in weeks. I knew why, too. The long-awaited court date was tomorrow morning and hopefully he would be settling the custody and visitation issues with his ex-wife. Holly was going to watch the store for me while I went to the courthouse in case I was needed. I hoped it would turn out well for everyone, most of all the kids.
“It’s going well, Deputy. I hope your day was good and tomorrow is better,” I said, hopping up to sit on one of the picnic tables.
“Today was good, in a way. Finally got a lead on the drug problem. Seems it’s more localized to a few dealers rather than a pipeline. Homemade stuff in someone’s basement somewhere, which is why it’s so potent. Kinda like homebrew or moonshine. We think someone’s been binge-watching Breaking Bad on Netflix. It’s bled over to Dilsboro and clear up to Maggie Valley a bit. They’ve had some cases over in Cherokee as well on the reservation. All the sheriff departments in those counties are working with us to try and find out who’s making the stuff. Got a couple of dealer names. Hopefully, we’ll get ’em soon and trace it back to the source.”
I smiled at him and turned my attention to the energetic children. Michelle and Cody both were pulling on the rope toy and Sam was dragging both of them.
“That is one damn strong dog,” Blue remarked, taking a cigarette pack from his pocket and then putting it back. No smoking around the kids, I thought. Or else no smoking around me as per my dictate in my store. “I know you’re just fostering him and so far everything is good, but I still think he’s dangerous.”
“Yes, he is a strong dog and your objection is duly noted,” I replied, grinning, tucking my mitten-covered hands in my pockets.
“I want to thank you again for coming to the courthouse tomorrow morning. It really means a lot to me.” He sat on the picnic table next to me.
I placed a hand on his shoulder and leaned on him a bit. I didn’t think he would appreciate a full hug even though I thought he needed it. “It’s no problem, Deputy.”
“I’m off duty. You can call me Blue.” He touched my hand still at his shoulder, and my stomach jumped. Such simple gestures were the ones I missed the most about being with someone, and I treasured every one of them.
We sat side by side in silence for a minute or two. It didn’t feel awkward and we didn’t need words between us. We just watched and listened to the kids and the dogs playing. Blue kept looking at his watch and scowling deeper and deeper. Jonelle was late. It was getting colder and the kids’ enthusiasm for play dropped with the temperature.
A pair of headlights finally showed up, swinging across us as we sat side by side. The pickup truck was older and the kind that had two little jump seats in the back. Jonelle got out of the passenger side while the man with her stayed put, only the outline of his head and shoulders visible. She held on to the door as if trying to keep her balance.
“Michelle! Cody! Get over here, now!” she yelled.
“Fuck, no,” Blue muttered as he got up from his perch on the table. The two children turned off like robots, but made no move to run to the car. All three moved slowly to the vehicle while I remained where I was. I figured Blue wouldn’t appreciate an audience and the best I could do was to stay back. Gone was the jovial mood, killed like a mouse caught in a snap trap. Even the dogs were subdued—all except Sam. He stayed by my side but was watching the kids with laser focus, and his hackles were raised and rigid. He was silent, but I could feel his anger and fear as he stared at the truck and the people approaching it.
Heated words were exchanged, and even though I couldn’t hear them very well, they were still loud enough for me to catch a few phrases. I could see Blue getting agitated. His back went ramrod straight at one point. Jonelle kept shaking her head and pointing her finger into his chest and
yelling in his face.
“None of your fuckin’ business!”
“I ain’t that drunk! Billy’s driving!”
“You cain’t do shit ’bout it, neither!”
I was sure that he wouldn’t let the kids go with her in that condition and was shocked when the two children climbed into the tiny back part of the cab and left. Blue held himself back, still as a marble statue until they pulled out of the parking lot. Then he exploded.
“Fuck!” he screamed at the top of his voice and hauled a fist back, punching at the wooden sign that held the park hours and information. The wooden planks splintered and flew in all directions from the force of his rage. I hurried over, Sam at my heels and the other dogs following.
“Blue! Are you hurt? What can I do?” I grabbed his hand to see what damage he had done to his knuckles. I wished the kids were there, as I bet they needed hugs and comfort as well. Tears formed in my eyes and I prayed that they were okay.
Blood dripped from Blue’s knuckles and he was breathing fast and heavy as if he’d just run a marathon. His face was hard with barely contained fury and his eyes met mine with blasting anger.
“You’re off the hook for tomorrow. I need to check my e-mail to confirm, but according to Jonelle, court is continued. She got it moved back to the first of December. The judge is a distant cousin of hers by marriage. Just far enough away in the family tree to not be a conflict of interest and just close enough to make it work.”
My mouth was hanging open a bit at this news and could almost taste the bitterness in his words. It still didn’t tell me why he allowed his children to get in a car with a man he didn’t know and a drunk woman. I wasn’t familiar with all the legalities of custody, but surely he had some rights?
Don’t judge, Psalm. He had to have a good reason, right? “You really let Michelle and Cody get in the truck and leave?” was what actually came out of my mouth. “Jonelle is drunk. Why did you do that?”
“Let it go, Psalm,” he raged.
I knew his anger wasn’t directed at me but I couldn’t stop myself from prodding the bear.
“Let it go? You can’t just order me to ‘let it go’! I can’t believe you just let your children get in a vehicle with those two!” I said, my own ire rising.
“You don’t know everything, Psalm.” Apparently, he wasn’t going to share, stalking off to his patrol car and slammed his hands down on the hood.
“Get in and I’ll take you and the dogs home,” he snarled between clenched teeth.
I wasn’t afraid, but for the first time I was mad. Furious at him for allowing the kids to be put into what I thought could be dangerous situation. I knew Jonelle had a temper and wouldn’t be surprised at all if she took that temper out on the kids. How could he allow this to happen?
I loaded the dogs into the back and Toto up front on the floorboard at my feet. It was a tight fit but the distance wasn’t very far and I fumed every second of the trip. He pulled his car into the spot in front of his building and walked the dogs and me across to my house. I unlocked the door, planning on stomping inside and not speaking, but I couldn’t help it. The dogs rushed in the open door, eager to find their water bowls.
“What about a different judge? Can’t you ask for one? You’re a damn deputy in this town. That should count for something!”
“Psalm, let it go.”
“No, I will not!” I exploded. “You’re right, I don’t know everything that’s happening in your life and those children’s lives, but what I see right now sucks and someone needs to figure out how to deal! What about one of those emergency hearings? I’ve heard they can be called at any time for any reason and I just saw plenty of them.”
“Psalm, I’m telling you, stay out of it.”
I supposed I should have got a clue from the cold voice coming from Blue’s mouth, but I was on a roll and not ready to get off.
“Blue, this is wrong and you know it!” I emphasized that with a finger pointed at his face.
He responded by grabbing my offending digit and pulling me to his body. His mouth slammed down on mine, kissing me. It was hard and short but enough to stun me into silence. He stomped over to his building, and a minute later he was back out on his bike, roaring away down the street and leaving me standing on my porch alone. I looked at the dancing moths under the overhead light and raised a hand to my lips, still feeling the imprint of his. I was more confused than ever about this man, his complicated life, and what my role was supposed to be in it.
I went through my nighttime routine, feeding the dogs, cuddles and scratches, but none of us was in a good place. The dogs were downcast and restrained, climbing in bed with me as I tried to get to sleep. An hour later I was up again, looking at the dark windows across the street. I went down to my workroom, thinking about Cody and Michelle, full of worry about where they were and what was happening to them. I unmolded several long loaves of soap, but even the fresh linen and piney fragrances didn’t help my mood. I was angry. Yes, me! Psalm Kopolove was angry. Angry for the suffering of those beautiful children. Angry for their asinine mother who was using them more as a tool for revenge than being a true parent to them. Angry their father was so freaking helpless. Angry there was nothing I could do about it. I set up the cutter and began slamming the sharp steel plate through the soft soap, but instead of admiring the colors and patterns I’d created, I imagined it was various body parts of Jonelle that I was cutting up. The cutter hit the board over and over. Thwack! There went the hand that rudely put a cigarette out on my work counter. Thwack! There went the one that pulled at Cody. Thwack! There went her snarky, jeering mouth. Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!
I’m not a violent person and would never consider getting in a fight with someone; however, I did feel better after slicing up the loaves I had made several days ago. I guess there was something cathartic about working out one’s anger physically. I was glad I’d chosen to do it productively with my soaps instead of punching through a wooden sign. I lined the newly cut soap bars on the drying shelves and wrote the dates of production in the batch log. I was finally tired enough that I thought I could sleep. I had to move several dog bodies to make room, but I managed to secure my spot. I looked out at the still dark window and prayed again for the safety of the children and their father.
Blue pounded the bag, his already damaged hands throbbing in his boxing gloves. As a deputy, he had twenty-four-seven access to the station gym, and tonight he took advantage of it. No one else was around this time of night to watch him take out his anger on the swinging bag. He was sweating profusely, but his sour mood wasn’t getting any better and he had the urge to go to the Lair or the Rivers Edge bar and get rip-roaring drunk. He quelled it as not many townspeople would be pleased to see that behavior from their deputy.
“Fucking bitch!” he muttered. No one was around to hear him, so he was able to let loose a bit. He was tired, bone deep tired of the bullshit he had to put up with from his ex-wife, but he still had to take it. Psalm had given him shit tonight about him rolling over for Jonelle to fuck him again, but what choice did he have? The pretty blonde shopkeeper didn’t know everything.
He punched the bag hard enough to send it flying backward, and it nearly knocked him over on the return trip. He wished his biker friend Table was around to spar with, but that club brother was dealing with shit of his own.
Maybe Psalm was up and he could watch her work for a bit, even though he knew it was making him seem like a creeper. She was mad at him, but she was ever the optimist, which was something he needed, and even just observing her putter about her workspace, creating more stuff, was soothing for him. He had given in to his impulse to kiss her and the brief taste remained. He wished he could be with her more, take in more of her kindness and her calming influence, but right now he had to remember he had too much shit to deal with and wouldn’t want to taint her with it. Still, he wanted her. He really wanted her.
Twelve
It was the sound I had been dreading for
months. Hard gasping breaths, loud and unyielding, heralding another long and severe seizure. I took one look at Toto and knew this was it. She was as stiff as a board, her legs rigid as they spasmed in front of her prone body. Her eyes were fixed and dilated and she was panting hard, foaming at the mouth.
It had been less than a week since Blue and I spoke. I saw him at the coffee shop, but we’d been buying our cups separately, reduced to nods instead of words. Pam had been all smiles every time we’d come in the door and was now looking between us in puzzlement. I was still hurt and confused about what had happened at the playground and on my front porch. As many times as I’d told myself Blue had good reason to allow a drunken Jonelle and her scuzzy boyfriend to take the children, I still couldn’t agree with him and there was an ache in my gut when I thought about what those two little ones were having to deal with.
Now my dog was dying.
My heart in my throat, I turned to Eva who had come to drop off some more lap quilts she had made. “Can you watch the store and the other dogs for me? Toto’s really bad and she needs to get to the vet. This may take a while.” I was glad my voice didn’t waver. It wasn’t time for me to break down just yet.
“No problem. Go do what you need to do and I hope she gets better,” her eyes held both understanding and sympathy. Thank the Lord for other dog lovers, but this time Toto wasn’t going to get better.
I covered Toto with her favorite plaid blanket and scooped her up. She was not a light dog and I staggered a little under her weight. She didn’t move or react. The vet’s office was a few blocks away, but I knew I couldn’t carry her that far. I put her in the passenger seat of my truck and drove over there, crooning to her as she lay panting and huffing. I felt the tears hit my eyes and dashed them away. Later, Psalm, I told myself. I can do this part later.
Eva must have called ahead, as Dr. Jackson met me at the door with a gurney. I lifted Toto onto it and followed the rolling table into the clinic on the emergency side. She pushed the contraption past the other people in the waiting room. I didn’t look to see who was there; my focus was on my dog.
