by ML Nystrom
“Come see me anytime, sweetheart. I’ve always got your favorite pink heart soap on hand.”
Michelle gave Psalm a squeeze and then went to the door to wait with her brother. Blue was slower to follow. It was on the tip of his tongue to say the three words that would make him buckle, begging for her forgiveness. That this was one big mistake and that he wanted them to be together.
“Take care of yourself, Psalm.”
With that statement, he and the kids left the store, Blue feeling more than ever like he’d left a piece of his soul behind.
I watched them leave and managed to hold myself together until I heard the engine fade away. I was glad the store was empty so I could let go. I cried. God, how I cried! Big loud wracking noises came out of me as I lost control. Waves of hurt ran through me, followed by rage. How dare he do this to me again? Lead me into thinking he cared about me and that we had a future. How could I let myself be taken in by him? Thinking that our time on the bluff was the beginning of something wonderful and having that yanked away? My mind spun through thought after thought, and emotion after emotion.
“He doesn’t care about me,” the voice in my head spat.
He does care, my heart insisted. He thinks he’s doing right by letting me go.
“He’s not right. He’s wrong for treating me this way.”
He has to take care of his kids.
“I can help those kids. I love them so much!”
He has so much bullshit to deal with now, there’s no room.
“I don’t take up much space.”
He’s still a good man.
“He’s an asshole!”
No, he’s still a good man. He’s just blinded by life.
“He may never see again. He may stay miserable and blind the rest of his days.”
We all have to take chances and make choices.
“What choices do I have?”
Listen to your own words. Time heals. I can choose to be happy. I’ve done this before. I can do it again.
Somehow I found myself on the floor next to Sam. He was whining and now bathing my face with his rough tongue. I laughed and petted his head, running my hand over the ridge between his eyes and feeling the hardness of the skull underneath. He sighed and yawned, giving me a bird’s-eye view of his sharp teeth and the pink inside his mouth. He guffed at me, and the fresh odor of doggie breath wafted through the air.
“Oh Sam! You need some of those dental chews, pal.”
I got up as my cell phone rang. It was Lindsey, calling to ask about Sam’s condition and to ask if I was ready for another foster dog.
“This one is a Doberman someone found in the Walmart parking lot. Poor thing won’t let anyone touch her without crying. She’s underweight and has skin mites. This is a bad one. She’s going to need some extra special attention and a lot of TLC. I know you’ve got a lot going on, but can you handle this? I don’t know of anyone else who would be able to get through to her but you.”
I wiped my tears and the doggie slobber from my face. Life has only one direction and that’s forward. “Think she’ll get along with the other dogs?”
“I’m honestly not sure, but she’s so scared of her own shadow, she may do best with some other canine love. You okay? You sound funny.”
I smiled at her concern. Blue may not be around anymore, but that didn’t mean I was alone. “I’ve been better, but I’ll be just fine.”
Twenty-Six
Three months later…
Blue threw another load of trash into the giant dumpster outside his house and wiped the sweat from his brow. Even in the bright sun and the cold winter day, he was sweating like crazy. The last few months had gone by in a blur and he’d barely acknowledged the holidays.
First, he’d had to tell the children their mother was going to prison for a long time. Their reaction was not what he expected. Cody cried very little and clung to him more for show, but Michelle’s response concerned him more. She was quiet as she sat on his lap. Too quiet. No tears fell from her eyes and she didn’t seem surprised by the events, shrugging them off like they were no big deal. There was damage there that he would have to deal with and he hoped he knew how. An emergency hearing was made concerning custody and the kids were permanently placed with him. He’d had to testify in court where Jonelle appeared in prison orange as her parents didn’t have the means to post bond a second time. The charges were many and included manslaughter of the teenagers who had lost their lives to the drugs she and Billy had distributed. The sentencing trial was coming up and if convicted, both she and Billy would be put away for a long time. Even at the crisis hearing for custody, she’d stuck her nose in the air and cussed at him, the judge, the bailiff, and anyone else she laid eyes on in the courtroom.
Second, after the incident at the meth lab, it was discovered that the drug route was even deeper and longer than originally thought. There had been a whole network of cookers and dealers in other small cities scattered throughout the area, big enough to cross three state lines. The sheriff had found out the FBI had been working the drug case from the other end of the pipeline and had happily turned over all the collected evidence to them, making it their big bust instead of Blue’s. Ultimately, Blue didn’t mind as he had enough to handle without adding that bit of fame to his name. He had no interest in being interviewed on national television and was fine with just being the anonymous town deputy.
Even that fifteen minutes of fame would be too much for him to handle. His life was so up in the air with two kids full-time, house in shambles, life in chaos. He just didn’t have any more to give.
Blue heaved another armful of debris into the dumpster and listened to the clang as it hit the sides. The noise nearly covered the growl of a motorcycle making its way down the long driveway. Blue looked up to see his father kick out the stand and lean his big cruising bike on it. It was winter and generally no one rode bikes during this part of the season, but Brick rode year-round, only stopping if there was ice on the roads. He took off his helmet and leather riding gloves, tucking them in his jacket pocket as the bike steamed gently in the cold air.
“Your mother wants to know how the work’s going.”
Blue grinned, knowing his dad wanted to know himself. “Going good. Got the bathroom and kitchen done. I owe the club a big thanks for pitching in on the painting and floor finishing. Realtor says he’s gonna be taking pictures and listing it next week. Hope it sells quick. I know Mom’s having the time of her life with the kids, but it’s past time we moved out and on with our lives.”
Brick grunted. “No debt for a brother. You know the club’s gonna help out no matter what. Them’s my grandbabies too, ya know.” He stayed silent for a moment. “Jonelle sign them papers yet?”
Blue’s face darkened a bit. “Yeah, no contest. Gave up her parental rights without a squeak of protest. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a noble gesture or if she really doesn’t give a shit. Either way, the kids have to deal with it and, God help me, I know it’s for the best but it still ain’t right.”
“No, son, it ain’t. Not too sure ’bout a woman ready to give up her young’uns like that, but on t’other hand, she wasn’t too much of a mother in the first place. They got a lot of people around ’em who love ’em and will always be there for ’em. They had it bad when they were with their mother and as much as it sucks, sometimes a clean break is best. Y’all can get your lives back on track sooner ’stead of drawin’ it out and makin’ life worse in the long run. They’re both in counseling and your mama says they’re doing pretty good with everythin’.”
It was Blue’s turn to grunt. He pulled off his work gloves and tossed them onto the wooden porch.
“I’d offer you a beer, but there’s no fridge in there anymore.”
Brick stood back and looked at the front of the house. “Ain’t bothered about no beer.”
“Heard Table’s coming back to town. Something going on I need to know about?”
Brick kept hi
s eyes on the house. “Yeah, Table’s coming back for a spell. Don’t rightly know much about it, but he’s a brother. If there’s trouble, we’ll handle it.”
“Law trouble?”
“Could be anything, but you know Table. He wouldn’t bring no trouble here ‘less he had good reason. If we got the need, I’ll be callin’ you and if not, the club will handle it.”
Blue knew arguing with his father was futile, and at that moment, there was nothing for him to know. He turned and looked at the structure in front of him.
The house was freshly painted and shone like it was the first day he bought it and moved his budding family into it. He thought there were some good memories somewhere, but he couldn’t find them. All he could think about was the heartache and misery that had come from that house. He envisioned all the bad stuff being thrown away with every load he threw into the dumpster and with each contraction of his muscles, he felt lighter and lighter. He hoped his kids would be ready for the next move.
“So whatcha gonna do now, son?” Brick asked.
Good question, thought Blue.
“Can’t do much until the house sells and I have some working capital. I’m almost flat-ass busted broke, but without having to pay Jonelle’s bills, I can finally get a bit put back. Got a lock on a rent-to-own condo the kids and I can move into next month that’s got three bedrooms. The place has a pool and a playground and is close enough to the school so they can stay in the same one.”
“Rent-to-own, eh? Your mother wishes you’d let us help.” This was Brick’s way of saying he wished Blue would let them help.
Blue smiled at the older man in understanding. “I get it, Dad. You get that I need to do this myself, right? You and Mom already do enough for me and the kids.”
“You know help is there if you need it. No markers.” Brick pulled out a pack of cigarettes and began to light one. “Don’t tell your mom. I don’t sneak ’em often, but sometimes I get the hankerin’. I figure the good Lord let me live this long, he won’t mind if I indulge a time or two.”
Blue chuckled. “I won’t tell if you won’t,” he said, holding his hand out for the pack. He pulled a slim white stick out and lit it.
“Good woman, your mama. Been with me through thick and thin. In all the years, all the club shit going on, she never once left me. Even when I sampled another woman a time or two on the road, she’d bitch me out, but she stayed with me. I was a lot younger and stupider then, and it took me a while to recognize what was in front of me. Never looked at another woman since. She’s a great mother, great partner, best friend, best support I’ve ever had. Means more to me than life and the only woman I’ve ever wanted to put a ring on her finger. We been together over forty years and she still takes my breath away. I feel like the luckiest man in the world to have a good woman like your mom by my side, puttin’ up with my shit and stickin’ by me. Best wish I can ever have for you, son, is you find the same.”
Blue stubbed out the half-smoked cigarette against the side of the dumpster and tossed the end inside. He knew where this was going. “Don’t start, Dad. I got my reasons and two of them are sitting with Mom at the Lair. I got too much shit to deal with to drag a good woman down with me. Sometimes I feel buried in it so deep, I’ll never get clean. I can’t do that to her.”
“Good woman ain’t a burden. She ain’t something you have to deal with, son. A good woman is an anchor. Not someone to hold you down, but someone to help keep you grounded and give you something to hold on to. You ain’t got no anchor, Blue. The kids ain’t got no anchor. Far as I can see, you got a good one right in front of you and you’re too damn scared to take hold of it.”
Blue was getting angry. “Leave it alone, Dad. She’s better off without me.”
“You so sure?” Brick fired back. “Maybe you’re the anchor she needs. Didja think about that? Seems to me you’re being a mite selfish.”
Blue was incredulous. “Selfish? What the hell are you smoking?”
“Didja ever think that maybe she needs you just as much as you need her? Your mama is happiest when she’s takin’ care of people. You seen how she mamas on everyone at the club. Seems to me Ms. Psalm is the same kind o’ woman. She loves them dogs o’ hers like crazy an’ I ‘spect she loves them young’uns too. I bet there’s room in that big heart of hers for one more.”
Brick paused and stubbed out his half-smoked cigarette. “You got any a’ them Altoid mints? Your mama will lose her shit ‘n’ have my hide if she smells smoke on me.”
“In the truck.” Blue gestured.
The older man pulled out the red-and-white tin and tossed four white mints in his mouth. He replaced the tin and moved to mount his bike, crunching as he went. “Just think on it, son. You got more to offer than you think you do. Might be you already got all that woman wants or needs from you. Be a shame to waste it.”
Blue watched as the gently steaming bike made its way down the driveway to the main road and roared off. His jaw clenched, partially in anger at his father’s meddling and partially in guilt at the wise man’s words. He pulled on his work gloves and lifted another load of trash, wishing it was that easy to clean up his life.
Maybe it was.
He paused his work and looked at the house again. The foundation was strong and the bones of the house unbroken. He was still going to sell the house no matter what, but he knew that whoever bought it would have a solid place to build a family and a future. Did he have something solid with Psalm and threw it away?
Blue closed his eyes as the doubts, arguments, and feelings of guilt hit him yet again. He pulled out the small sliver of soap he kept in his pocket and passed it under his nose. It was too small to use in the shower anymore, but he couldn’t bear to throw it away. He inhaled the scent deeply, feeling her presence. He had kept her number and her texts to read when he was in bed as he couldn’t bring himself to delete them. He had been avoiding the coffee shop in the mornings but had made a point of discreetly checking out the store from a distance several times a week, just to get a glimpse of her during the holidays. He had torn his own heart out just as badly as he had torn hers and at the time he’d thought he was doing what was right, but if that was the case, why did it still hurt like hell?
“A good woman is an anchor. Not someone to hold you down, but someone to help keep you grounded and give you something to hold on to.”
His dad’s words haunted him as he tucked the last of the bar back in his pocket.
“Far as I can see, you got a good one right in front of you and you’re too damn scared to take hold of it.”
Blue sighed and dropped his head into his hands. “I fucked up again. I fucked up so bad this time, I can’t fix it.”
“I bet there’s room in that big heart of hers for one more.”
Twenty-Seven
I sat up in bed, waving my hand in front of my face trying to disperse the fragrance of doggie flatulence. My newest foster, Cuddles, was a Chihuahua and Dachsund mix, and I marveled that an odor that foul could come from a body so small. Miko and Prince, also new fosters, sniffed and shifted off the bed. Miko was the large female Doberman that had been found tied up and abandoned at the local Walmart. It had taken me weeks to earn her trust, but she got there and was now ready for a forever home. Prince was a ragtag Lhaso Apso mix with more hair than the other three combined. Dion was still with me after Sam had been adopted by Blue and his kids, but he was being considered by an older couple and would soon be leaving me.
“Oh, Cuddles! What did you eat?” I scolded as I climbed out of bed. She perked her ears up at my voice and gave me a proud doggie grin.
Out of habit, I looked across the street to the dark apartment. Someone else was renting it now and was a late sleeper. There was a light dusting of snow on the ground and more was coming. I needed to get my day started as I had a huge pile of boxes to ship and a butt ton of soap to make. The holidays were over and I’d spent the majority of the time working my store and filling Christmas orders. It
seemed everyone and his brother wanted fancy homemade soap as gifts this year. Therefore, my bank account was full and my shelves were almost empty. Next up was Valentine’s Day, and I was glad to be busy as it provided a great distraction to the ache in my heart I was learning to live with.
Blue had stopped coming to Mountain Perks for his morning coffee and I greatly missed that ritual. I knew he was working with his kids, trying to rebuild his relationship with them and heal his fractured family, but I hadn’t expected him to cut me off so completely. I’d seen him around town in his capacity as a sheriff’s deputy and even heard rumors he was getting ready to make a run for the sheriff’s office at the next election. I wished him well. What else could I do?
The dogs zoomed around the courtyard, rolling and playing in the white stuff. I laughed at their antics before opening my work area and mixing the lye solutions for the day’s production.
The streets were quiet as I drove the massive load of boxes to the shipping place. It wasn’t open yet so I had time to get my coffee fix. The bell tinkled as I entered the warm, fragrant store.
“Hi, Pam,” I called out, shaking snow from my mittens and pulling out my phone. “The weather app is showing a big one coming in tonight. I expect all the grocery stores are out of milk and bread already.”
A large paper cup appeared in front of my face.
“Hazelnut latte with a shot of espresso and skim milk,” a familiar deep voice rumbled, awakening those pesky butterflies I’d forgotten about.
My eyes shot up to meet Blue’s and then dropped again. Too soon, too soon, I chanted in my head. I’m not ready for this yet!
“Hello, Deputy. You’re looking well. How are Michelle and Cody? Sam settling in okay?” I was proud that I didn’t crack and sounded steady and sure. At least, I hoped I did. It was hard to hear myself over the pounding of my heart.
