by Faith Hogan
*
It was on one of these ordinary afternoons, while Kasia was at work and Evie semi dozed on the veranda, that Annalise called through the kitchen. She was on her own and Evie felt a little disappointed; she was growing very fond of Dylan and Jerome – they really livened things up about the place. And, Evie recognized, they brought out a lovely side to Annalise. She all but forgot about all the emptiness when they were around. Today, she dragged Evie out of her chair, and hurdled ahead of her to the garage. Evie had never seen her so animated – at least not without the boys in tow. She pulled back the garage door and stood before the old MG.
‘Annalise, I had almost forgotten it was here, it’s years since anyone…’
‘It could be a surprise for Kasia,’ Annalise had enthused as they admired the car.
‘I’m not sure, I mean, I haven’t driven in years.’ Maybe it was the morning, or the sun shining, but something inside Evie began to bubble. She could almost smell adventure. ‘Okay, but…’ she took the passenger seat.
‘But what? It still goes; I’ve tried it out already.’ Annalise tossed her blonde hair with the assurance of one who took on the world every day, confident everything would work out.
‘But—’ Evie was afraid she’d lost her nerve. ‘Well, it’s been a while. I couldn’t imagine bringing it out on my own, not yet at least. Maybe you’d like to drive it first?’
‘Of course, I’d love to.’ Annalise adjusted the mirror, having dabbed beneath her eyes, fixing her mascara. ‘Do I still hear a “but” in your voice?’ She was smiling. Convincing Evie had obviously been easier than she’d expected.
Evie never came in here, not unless she had to. Even then, she left the lights off. She never came near the car. How silly of her! Why not get it on the road? What was to stop her? She was a grown-up sensible woman. What harm could it do? A giddy sensation brimmed up inside her; could she really do this? Was it too late? She wanted to, every fibre of her wanted to get behind the wheel and drive along the coast road, roof down, wind in her hair – all her cares forgotten. She ran her hand across the walnut dash before her. It reminded her of Paul. Soon there would be a baby at Carlinville – they couldn’t stay locked up in the house forever. ‘Could we get a baby seat in the back?’
‘I’m not sure.’ Annalise considered the tiny seat behind them; it was really only fit to carry bags. ‘But my dad would tell us,’ she said as they set off out onto the main road.
‘This feels even better than I remember.’ Annalise was good for her, she made her feel a lot younger than she was – but then couldn’t you be happy at any age?
‘Better roads?’
‘Maybe.’ It was more than that. The sea air and the warm end of summer sun made Evie feel as though she could be forty years younger. That was what this old car represented. It was why she’d never sold it. ‘When Paul and I used this car, we weren’t…’
‘Just using it in good weather?’ Annalise winked across at her. Evie was beginning to like Annalise, much to her surprise. It was nearly, she thought one evening, as they laughed at some story from Annalise’s modelling days, disappointing that she had turned out to be such fun. But of course she was. Why else would Paul have fallen for her?
‘Something like that. We were happy, Paul and I, when we took drives in this car.’ Then Evie leant forward. ‘Let’s take down the hood.’
Evie gazed out the window. Everything today seemed transformed; suddenly there was possibility all around. She would keep this a secret and when Kasia had the baby, she would collect them both from the hospital. What a wonderful plan.
*
Their first driving lesson was a success. Annalise called at eleven the following morning.
‘Will you drive first?’ Evie couldn’t imagine reversing or manoeuvring it in any space that was limited.
‘I wouldn’t expect you to. We’ll keep it simple to begin with.’ Annalise adjusted the seat, pulled it back a little. When Annalise switched on the ignition, the car purred to life. ‘Okay, what if we go for a little spin first, then we find somewhere quiet for you to have a practise.’
‘Lovely.’ Evie wound down her window and let the fresh air blow through the car. They travelled through the village, onto the main road towards one of the quieter seaside villages that dotted the east coast. It was a lovely feeling, driving out in the morning sun with no agenda other than to give it a spin.
‘I’m applying for my licence.’ She dug deep into her bag, pulled out a green form. ‘I picked up the form this morning,’ Evie said as they pulled in at a small fishing pier after a few miles. ‘Don’t laugh,’ she could hardly stop smiling today; it was as if a small light switched on inside her, and suddenly there was a glimmer of joy in the world. This would be good for all of them, for Kasia and the baby. She would surprise Grace too. ‘I’m going to take driving lessons as well, properly do the test. Things have changed on the road since I last drove! And I’ve never taken a test. We just bought our licences at the post office in my day!’
‘Isn’t it strange how everything has turned out? I’m so glad we’ve met and I’m glad for the boys too.’ Annalise’s eyes danced with pleasure and she squinted far into the distance, past Bailey lighthouse. ‘I can tell you this, Evie: the best part of Paul is what he left behind.’
‘You really believe that?’ Evie spied a small fishing boat making its way home and thought for a few minutes. ‘You could be right.’ She smiled. ‘It’s funny, but, with you and Grace, Delilah, Kasia, the boys and the new baby on the way, it feels as if I have my own family now.’ It was true; they’d helped her see that for the first time in her life everything she wanted was available to her, it was just that Paul wasn’t there to share it. The realisation threw up the horror of what she’d almost done and she decided that daily, she would try to make peace with that. There were good days and days that weren’t so good. Today was one of the best she’d had so far.
‘Evie, you mean everything to Delilah and Jerome and Dylan. And Kasia needs you to keep well; you’re everything to her now.’
‘Yes, Kasia.’ A look of sadness passed across Evie’s eyes.
‘She doesn’t have to go, have you thought about that?’
‘No, but she will want her own place, won’t she? She’ll want somewhere just for herself and the baby.’
‘Well, it’s not as if you don’t have enough room at Carlinville to convert some space for her.’ Annalise smiled. ‘It could be your next project, converting that big garage into a…’
‘Do you really think she’d want to stay?’ Evie had just presumed that Kasia wouldn’t want her around. She’d be happy to drop by, with the baby, perhaps. What did Evie have to offer her? She knew nothing about having a child of her own, but perhaps Annalise was right.
‘You should say it to her.’ Annalise seemed enthusiastic about the idea. ‘You might need to get a builder in, look at the heating, put in a couple of gates. I’m sure it wouldn’t cost too much.’
‘Of course, you’re right, you can’t have a baby in a cold house.’ She thought for a moment. It was years since anything had been done with the place. ‘I’m sure we could make it right.’
‘It’s worth thinking about, and there’ll be money from Paul to help.’
‘Yes. I suppose that’s true.’ They had put off having his will read. Evie had a feeling that now the other women were afraid that reading it might set her back again. In the beginning, it was a way of tidying everything up, cutting her ties with Annalise and Grace, finally saying goodbye to Paul. It was silly. After all, they knew the basic outline, but they still weren’t sure what it all meant. That he was wealthy in his own right was a surprise to all of them. He had been a shrewd speculator, investing a little here, a little there. Got in when the going was good, got out before the crash. Maybe he wasn’t up there with the Goldsmiths, but he didn’t die a pauper either.
‘So, will you have a go?’ Annalise started to get out of the driver’s seat. ‘Come on, I won’t tel
l anyone if you conk out, I promise.’
‘I…’ Evie was dying to get in behind the wheel, had been looking forward to this since Annalise had first suggested it, but now, she felt a little – what was it? Nervous? To hell with that, she thought. ‘I’m ready.’
*
It was almost two o’clock when they got back to Carlinville and Annalise helped Evie put the tarpaulin over the car once more. It had been exhilarating. It was more than driving, Evie knew that. It was far more than just her foot on the accelator and her hands on the wheel. Driving was something that had been taken from her. She had loved it, truly loved it and she had let her father first and then Paul take it away from her. She was beginning to see now that they took far more than just something she loved; they took her freedom and her independence. And Evie’s notion of love allowed them to – she never saw the harm in it.
‘It looks as though you’ll be giving the lessons from now on.’ Annalise laughed as they pulled shut the garage door. ‘Seriously, you’re a natural; you could give any of the professionals a run for their money.’
‘Stop it; you’re making fun of me. I will try to drive more slowly once I get on the main roads.’ Evie laughed, but she had to concede; she’d enjoyed driving and negotiating the car about some of the back roads.
‘No, really, you’re a good driver – maybe a lesson or two to get you up to speed for the test, but you handle the car like a pro.’ Annalise had been full of praise since Evie sat behind the wheel. ‘Maybe you should bring some of your new friends from the Weekday Club out for a spin.’
‘Maybe I will.’ Evie kept her voice as non-committal as she could make it. She still hadn’t joined the local Over 55’s – hadn’t told them that, but maybe now? Her confidence was soaring after taking the car out. There was a little anger too at all the time she’d wasted. It was time to stop letting life pass her by. She stood thoughtfully at the back door. ‘You probably have to rush back, do you?’
‘Well, I really should.’ Annalise smiled. Her days were broken into two slots – when the children needed her and when they were at nursery. She asked her mother to mind them less and less these days, which was probably good for all of them. ‘Will you be okay?’
‘I’m better than I’ve ever been. Truly.’ Evie considered Carlinville for a moment, patting the door. Funny, but today the paint seemed to pucker less across its wrinkling surface.
‘Can I say something to you?’ Annalise stood before her, shaded her eyes from the midday sun.
‘Of course.’ Evie had a feeling this was something Annalise had been building up to.
‘He was playing us all, in different ways.’ Annalise waited for agreement. All Evie could manage was a slight nod. ‘He never wanted to let you go. It was selfish really. He did the same with Grace. Maybe he thought he’d do the same with me.’
‘I doubt you’d have let him.’ If Annalise had something that Evie admired, it was pluck.
‘Who’s to say?’ Annalise said. ‘Look at Grace. She’s the gutsiest of all of us, isn’t she?’
‘It’s a quality that’s hard to measure, Annalise. We’re the people we’ve allowed ourselves to become.’ Evie was beginning to understand she’d let herself be secondary to Paul all her life. The knowledge filled her with regret.
‘You are much braver than you realize, Evie, and you have a kind heart. Life will be good to you. And Paul…’
‘Yes?’
‘He was the weak one, Evie. I think you’ve spent your whole life thinking you couldn’t survive without him, when it’s been the other way around.’
‘I thought we were soulmates.’
‘If you want to call it that, but don’t for a minute think that there isn’t a whole world of happiness waiting for you.’
Evie did something completely out of character. She flung her arms about Annalise and hugged her until they both giggled nervously. ‘Sorry,’ Evie said as she stood back from her. ‘I don’t know what came over me.’
‘Please, don’t say that you’re sorry. It was the best hug ever. It’s all right that I said that to you?’
‘It’s more than all right. Now all we have to do is get Grace to start seeing what a nice man your friend Jake is,’ Evie laughed. Kasia had told her all about him and they agreed he would be good for Grace. She, too, deserved a better stab at things.
‘I couldn’t agree more, but I think Kasia might be ahead of you, so fingers crossed.’
*
The sun was bravely poking through the grey blanket of clouds when Grace called to take Evie to her appointment. Kasia had set out a line of medication for Evie before she left for work. Three saucers: morning, lunch and afternoon. Evie dutifully popped one small pill onto her tongue before they left the house.
‘She does this every day; even Sundays.’ Evie shook her head, but she liked being taken care of.
They drove in silence for the start of the journey; Evie nervous of what lay ahead, Grace lost in thought.
‘We’re all worried about you, at home all day long on your own.’ Grace stared ahead.
‘Don’t be silly, I’ve spent my life in Carlinville, mostly on my own.’ She had been stupid, what she’d tried to do, but it was behind her now. She was sure of that. With every passing day she could feel herself getting stronger. Maybe there were days she had to remind herself that there could be more to look forward to, but there were also good times when she felt that life held more now than ever before. She hadn’t told Grace about the MG. It would be a surprise, but perhaps if she realised, she would not be so worried.
‘Yes, but things are different now. What you did, it makes everything different.’
‘You’re welcome to come out and break up the day anytime.’ Evie kept her voice light. It was funny, but a couple of months ago, the last thing she would have expected was to have Grace Kennedy keeping an eye on her every day. ‘You could paint – the view is…’
‘I’d love to paint out at Carlinville, while the weather will allow,’ Grace said as they neared the hospital. ‘In the garden. Would you mind?’
‘Why not. You’d like to paint the view?’
‘I’m not sure,’ Grace sighed. ‘I find the house, the whole place, very inspiring.’
‘I’ll take that as a compliment.’ Evie didn’t add that the garden was a sad reflection of its former glory. Once, they had a full-time gardener, with extra help for summer. ‘The views are beautiful; I still lose myself in them. I can sit for hours, just looking out at the sea.’
‘I…’ Grace’s words hung on the air, then she abruptly changed her mind. ‘We’re here,’ she said unnecessarily. When they finally reached the outpatient clinic, Evie just wanted to run home. The reception was a vile green corridor, with tacky sticky red leather seating. Then there were the patients. The unfortunate people languishing here, as though resigned to their condition: that was what affected Evie most. They were a raggle-taggle bunch in charity shop clothes, with faces emptied of emotion. Evie took a seat beside a sullen teenager with scrawny white wrists, more punched than a Methodist noticeboard.
‘Got a fag on you, missus?’ the youngster asked Grace.
‘Sorry, I don’t smoke,’ she said politely. She pulled her handbag closer.
‘Nah, I didn’t think so.’ He ambled off towards a young girl sitting opposite, her stare as empty as a starless night.
‘I shouldn’t have asked you to come here with me.’ Evie said the words, but she was glad Grace was with her. On their other side, a man of maybe forty-five, hardened by drink and life, sat rhythmically flipping a brown coin.
Evie took a long breath and maybe relaxed a bit into the strangeness of the place, a clatter or loud bang in the distance pulled her out of any security. It took almost an hour before Evie heard her name called. It sounded unfamiliar to her here.
‘So, we discharged you to the care of Kasia Petrescu?’ The doctor glanced at Grace. His name was Rouse. He didn’t bother to introduce himself; they had met before, but he
never remembered. In this small world, he was a legend.
‘I’m Grace Kennedy. Kasia is…’
‘The artist?’ The psychiatrist raised his eyebrows. It wasn’t every day they had a celebrity in.
‘Yes,’ Grace confirmed. ‘Evie is staying in her own home with another friend, Kasia.’
‘And how have you been since?’ He observed Evie as though she was a zoo exhibit. ‘Can I get a list of her meds?’ He barked at an unnamed underling behind his shoulder.
‘I…’ Evie wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say. After all, she’d lost her husband; she wasn’t going to be over the moon, no matter what tablets they decided to give her. ‘I… my husband died. I am in mourning.’ Evie’s words clipped the corners of her emotions. She wasn’t going to have them thinking she was some ordinary kind of basket case; there was a reason she was here. It was not because she really belonged.
‘Yes. That’s in your notes.’ Dr. Rouse peered over his glasses and smiled sympathetically. ‘I do read them all the way through.’ He glanced back at Evie, his voice suddenly serious. ‘I’m not trying to trivialize your loss, Mrs Starr, but women lose their husbands every day of the week, and we don’t end up pumping out their stomachs as part of the grieving process.’
‘She was upset. It wasn’t straightforward.’ There was just a hint of anger in Grace’s voice. ‘It was a terrible shock and apart from Paul’s death there were other circumstances.’
‘Other circumstances?’ His eyes rose once more.
‘That we’re dealing with,’ Grace said firmly.
‘So how do you feel today?’ He reverted to Evie. Clearly he could tell he wasn’t going to get anywhere with Grace, and Evie was glad to have her at her side.
‘I feel much better. I have more people around me than I thought. Before this, aside from Paul’s passing, I had felt very alone.’ Evie looked towards Grace. ‘But I’m beginning to see that I’m not as alone as I thought.’
‘Well, if this person,’ he checked down at his notes again, ‘if this person, Kasia, has moved in with you, I’d say you’re certainly not alone.’ He muttered something towards a scared-looking man whose name badge said he was a clinical nurse. ‘No dark thoughts, no thoughts of doing the same thing again?’
