Raeann was the first woman he’d ever felt this strongly about. It was a wonder he’d gone an entire month letting her have her space. His ego had been bruised. He’d told himself she didn’t return the feelings or she wouldn’t have cut him off. It turned out she’d been dealing with heavy shit just like him.
He closed his eyes. He wasn’t being fair to her. He’d forced her to let her guard down, and yet he wasn’t willing to do the same. How long could he put off the inevitable?
Chapter 5
Fuck it. That was Raeann’s thought as she stared at Deacon’s lips. She needed to be closer to him. He was so damn good to her. So caring and kind and gentle. The man was the entire package. He listened to her, held her when she cried, made her laugh when she needed the release.
How could she not kiss him? She was sitting in his lap, for God’s sake—her fault of course. She felt a connection with him.
She knew this was a bad idea. She’d spent the last few days insisting they should remain friends. Nothing in her life had changed. She still wouldn’t let this thing with him go farther than it already had. She couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. No way would she strap someone down to her and risk them spending most of the rest of their life possibly dealing with a mental illness that could be incredibly cruel. She’d never take that risk.
Never mind that she’d passed the age when most people exhibited signs of schizophrenia. Never mind that she’d had genetic testing to see if she was predisposed. She didn’t know the results yet, but it didn’t matter. She wouldn’t trust time or pieces of paper. The risk was too high and there was always the exception.
Her head understood perfectly, but her heart insisted she kiss him, so she did. She cupped his face with both hands and lowered her lips to his.
It started out gentle. She was tentative. Maybe he didn’t want her to kiss him after all the damn mixed signals she’d sent.
But she was wrong. Her doubts evaporated when he moaned into her mouth, cocked his head to one side, and deepened the kiss. His hands roamed up and down her back, urging her closer, as if there was much space between them to begin with.
She was deep in her head, completely caught up in the intimacy when he slowly lowered her back onto the couch cushion. He never broke the kiss as he came over her, holding her face now, consuming her with far more urgency. It was hard to tell which one of them was moaning. Maybe both.
She probably could have kissed him forever. It felt nice. It felt safe. She forced herself to ignore the restlessness in her body. The fact that her breasts were swollen, her nipples hard. When Deacon slid one thigh between her legs, she felt the urge to rub against him, and struggled to keep from doing so.
Warning bells went off in her head a moment before Deacon finally parted his lips from hers. He was gasping for air as he stared down at her. She was too.
She was gripping his biceps, and she couldn’t remember when she’d grabbed onto him. They’d made out several times during their two weeks of dating, but she hadn’t let herself get this carried away.
Deacon eased his thigh away from her clit as he cupped her cheek. “You okay, Rae?”
She nodded too fast, swallowing.
He held her face steady. “Look at me.”
She hadn’t realized she wasn’t looking at him. She met his gaze.
“You’re so responsive.” He swallowed awkwardly for some reason. His eyes drew together and he licked his lips. “I have to ask. You’re not a virgin, are you?”
She shook her head again, feeling her cheeks flush. “No.” The one word came out as a croak.
He lifted a brow.
She cleared her throat. “I’m not. I swear. It’s just…”
He rose off her, pulling her up beside him so they were both sitting. He threaded the fingers of one hand with hers. She loved when he did that. It made her feel so connected. He’d done it several times earlier during their “friendly” game of ax throwing.
“It’s just what?” he asked. Naturally. Of course, he would want some details to her weird non-answer. She was a thirty-five-year-old woman for God’s sake.
She drew in a long breath. “It’s just been a while. I sort of swore off sex.” She shrugged. “I was a little wild in my early twenties, then I woke up one day thinking it wasn’t worth it. I think I used sex to escape my problems, and since it never worked, I couldn’t see the point. Plus, there was always the risk of getting pregnant. I mean, I used condoms and I’ve always taken birth control, but you never know…” She realized she was rambling and stopped talking.
“How long is a while?” he asked, homing in on the first thing she’d said, of course.
“Does it matter?”
He frowned. “Does it? It seems like it matters to you. Are we talking years?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. That makes sense. No wonder you’re like a firecracker.” He gave her a crooked smile.
She flushed deeper. “I am not.”
“Oh, you are. Trust me. And that’s okay. It’s good for my ego.”
She suddenly needed space, so she sucked in a breath and pulled away from him, standing and taking long strides across the room and back.
Deacon stood slowly but he didn’t move. He met her gaze. “Talk to me.”
She ran a hand over her hair and tucked it behind her ear. “You do something to me.”
He narrowed his gaze. “Do something? Is it a good something?”
“It’s a scary something.”
He took a step toward her, reaching out to grab her hand before hauling her against him. “Why is it scary?” He tipped her head back so she had to look him in the eye.
She shrugged. Did they have to have this conversation? She felt like a teenager. “Because I’m not used to reacting to men this way, okay? Happy?”
A slow smile spread on his face. “Extremely.”
She groaned and rolled her eyes before shoving away from him. She needed distance. He kept crowding her, which didn’t help her hold on to her sanity.
When he took a step toward her, she held out a hand. “Stay there.”
He chuckled. “Okay, but Rae, there’s no reason to panic. I like the way you react to me. I’m glad you’re attracted to me. It would suck if you weren’t.”
“Well, it feels overwhelming to me, okay? I can’t think right when you’re touching me. I lose all my brain cells.”
Deacon blew out a breath. “It’s like pheromones or something, Rae. I feel it too. We’re attracted to each other. It happens.”
She set a hand on her head. “Okay, but slow it down.”
He smiled at her. The infuriating man. She couldn’t even be angry with him. Even while she was having an irrational mini-tantrum over something as ridiculous as sexual frustration, he was still kind.
He sat, for which she was grateful. “Exactly how many men have you slept with?”
She glared at him. “A lot. I don’t know how many.”
“And none of them made your toes curl?”
“No.” She eased over to the sofa but sat as far away from him as possible, squishing into the corner.
“Did any of them make you orgasm?”
That flush returned. “No. Okay? Can we stop discussing my past love life?”
“Just one more question. Please?”
She sighed.
“You masturbate, right? I mean, you orgasm alone, right?”
She shot him her most exasperated glare. “Yes. I’m a grown woman. I have plenty of battery-operated devices, Deacon. I’ve just never lost control when another person was in the room. It feels out of body or something.”
He nodded slowly. “It does. Good sex consumes you so nothing else exists. Your focus narrows.”
“Yeah. That.”
He smiled again. “So, we have chemistry.”
“I could fall hard for you.”
“And that would be so bad?”
She stretched her neck. “I promised myself I would never fall for
anyone. It’s not in the cards for me. This is dangerous territory.”
“If it makes you feel any better, it’s not good timing for me either. My life is disheveled right now. It’s not looking like it will be less messy anytime soon either. I’m being unfair to you just by spending time with you, but I can’t stop myself because I want to be with you.”
She nodded. At least they understood each other and they were on the same page, even though there were definitely holes in his side of the equation. Whatever was untidy in his world was a mystery. She understood that he’d lost a brother recently, and that could be painful, but she suspected there was more to it, and whatever it was, it probably involved his parents. Perhaps they weren’t taking the death well. That would make sense. No one should have to bury a child. She shuddered just thinking about it.
Deacon suddenly stood, pushing off his thighs as if he were almost too tired to get up. “I should go. You need to sleep. We both need to think and regroup.”
She nodded, but inside her head, she was screaming, “Don’t go. Please. Stay.” She wanted to feel all of the things she’d barely glimpsed. It wasn’t a good idea, but she wanted it anyway.
Instead of voicing her thoughts, she rose to her feet.
Deacon headed for the door. “Text me when you get to your hotel tomorrow night, okay?”
“Yes.” Her voice was soft. She hated that he was leaving. It was irrational and unfair of her to push and pull on him the way she did. It was a wonder he didn’t have whiplash from all the times she’d told him to keep his distance and then tugged him into her embrace.
“I need to go see my parents Saturday morning. Not sure if I’ll get back before you get home from work or not.”
“Okay.” She needed to let him set the pace here. Every time she tried, she fucked it up. She followed him to the door but kept a few feet between them. The distance felt like a mile.
Deacon faced the door, setting his hand on the knob. For a moment, she was certain he would open it and walk out of the condo without another word. But suddenly, he spun back around and reached for her, pulling her into his embrace. He hugged her close, almost too tight.
She tucked her head under his chin and wrapped her arms around him. There was no denying they had an odd connection. It felt so right in his arms. All the craziness in her life faded when he touched her. Inhaling his scent soothed her.
Finally, he eased back, but he gripped her biceps and met her gaze. “Can I kiss you again, Rae?”
“Yes.” She couldn’t deny him. It wasn’t in the cards.
This time his kiss was gentle. It held just as much promise as the last one though. Maybe more. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” he whispered against her lips.
She nodded because she couldn’t think what the appropriate response would be. All she knew was that she was going to toss and turn all night because her body felt alive as if something had been unleashed. Maybe she could put one of those vibrators to work and take the edge off, but she knew that would likely only make things worse.
Deacon hesitated before releasing her and rushing out the door. He jogged to his SUV while she stood in the doorway watching him. He didn’t look back. If he was in any state similar to hers, he probably knew that one glance at her would mean the end of his willpower.
She wished he would look anyway.
But he didn’t. And she didn’t shut the door until she could no longer see his car.
Chapter 6
Deacon struggled to focus the next day. Tank even waved a hand between his face and the computer at one point to get his attention. His plate was seriously overflowing. He should not be spending time with Raeann as if he could have her. He knew that, and he reminded himself of that fact a dozen times, and yet, he couldn’t get her out of his mind.
Why did life have to be so cruel? If he’d met her ten years ago or even ten months ago, they could have strolled off into the sunset together. But today wasn’t as convenient.
Granted, there was a good chance she wouldn’t have fallen in line with his plan ten years ago or ten months ago, so he might be kidding himself.
When he got home from work, he went for a long run to keep himself busy until she texted him. He had no idea when that might be, and it was absurd how eager he was. It was nine o’clock when she finally sent him a message.
Hey. Just got to my hotel. Long day.
He thumbed the edge of the phone for a few seconds, debating if he should casually text her back or just call. He wanted to hear her voice. Not just exchange a few texts. So, he tapped the screen and waited.
She answered almost immediately. “Hi.”
“Hi. How was your flight?” Damn, she sounds sweet. He was in deep if the sound of her voice was all it took to excite him.
“Late. I even grabbed a sandwich on the way here. I haven’t eaten yet.”
“Mind if we switch to FaceTime?” he asked. He should have just done that in the first place.
“Sure.”
He tapped the screen again and then smiled a few seconds later when he saw her face. “Go ahead and eat. I’m sure you’re starving.”
The phone was jostled around while he imagined she was carrying it to the desk and propping it on its side. Finally, she graced him with one of her amazing smiles. “You sure you don’t mind?”
“Nope. Eat. I insist. Tell me about your day. Did anyone harass you?”
She worked on opening her sandwich while glancing at him every few seconds. “No. Thank God. Granted, I haven’t looked at my social media, but at least no certifiable witch hunters were on my flight this time.”
“Good.”
“How about you? Did you find a way to program a computer to cook dinner for me yet?”
He chuckled, loving this banter. “No. But I’ll get on that. Maybe I could cook dinner for you though? How about tomorrow night?”
“Didn’t you say you have to go to your parents’ house tomorrow?”
“Yes, but I’ll be home by about five. Can you come at six?”
She narrowed her eyes at him, but there was a playful look on her face. Mischievous. “Are we still friends?”
“Of course. We were always friends.” This was the truth.
She giggled as she swallowed a bite of her sandwich. “None of my other friends make my brain scramble with their lips like you do.”
He smiled. “I’m glad to hear it.” A possessiveness surfaced. Unwarranted. He was playing with fire.
Raeann sobered and met his gaze. “This can’t become something serious, Deacon. I can’t do it.”
“Good, because I can’t either.”
She flinched. “Really?”
He shook his head. It wasn’t a lie. No matter how he felt about her, he absolutely couldn’t let this thing between them go much farther. “Like I said yesterday, my plate is full. But I like spending time with you and I can’t stop thinking about you, so please come over for dinner tomorrow. I’ll cook.”
“So, you cook?” She grinned.
“I can cook. A few things. I’m not a gourmet chef or anything, but you won’t starve.”
“Can’t wait. Can I bring anything?”
“Nope. Just yourself. Do you work on Sunday?”
She shook her head, chewing another bite.
For some reason that pleased him. It shouldn’t. He had no business inviting her to sleep over or enter his bedroom. But that’s where his mind went anyway. “So it won’t matter if you’re out late.”
“No.” She balled up the wrapper and tossed it over the top of the phone, presumably toward the trash. When she winced and grabbed her arm, he chuckled.
“Sore muscles?”
“Please tell me you’re sore too. I mean, that was hard work. Next time you feel like throwing things, how about darts?”
He laughed. “I am sore too. Yes. Mostly because we used strange muscles.”
“That’s for sure.” She rubbed her arm. “I could use another one of those massages like you gave me last
night.”
His cock jumped to attention. He’d love to give her another massage. He wished like hell she wasn’t halfway across the country right now. It was probably for the best. He needed one night to cool down after last night. But he also knew it wouldn’t help at all. As soon as she arrived at his place tomorrow, he would immediately want to pull her into his arms and kiss her senseless. Time was not going to dampen his desire to consume her.
Raeann looked away for a few moments before meeting his gaze again. “What are we doing, Deacon?”
“Talking on the phone?” He knew what she meant, but he couldn’t help responding snarkily.
She smiled at least. “You know what I mean. Seriously, Deacon. I’m worried. You make me want to break all the rules.”
“Maybe the rules need to be broken?” His heart rate picked up.
“We can’t be more than we are right now. I mean it. I don’t want more.”
“And, like I’ve said, we’re in agreement. So, let’s just enjoy one another because we like to spend time together, and not worry about the future right now.”
“Okay, but I’m worried you aren’t on the same page as me.”
“I can be on the same page. Promise.”
She rolled her eyes. “Like you can be friends with me? We failed at that in less than a day.”
“Okay, listen. Here’s the thing. I’ll be honest. I want you in my bed. I want to rock your world and show you what you’ve been missing out on. And I know that worries you, so let me be blunt. I can’t do more with you, Rae. It’s not possible right now. Shit is going down in my life that isn’t conducive to a serious relationship. So, if we happened to decide to have sex, you have no reason to panic. I won’t go all possessive on you because I just can’t.”
She stared at him for a while, chewing on her bottom lip. “You have very mysterious shit in your life.”
“Yes.”
“Is it at least legal?”
Takeoff Page 4
