“Not now, Marco…” I muttered, walking away from them both and heading for the stairs.
“You passed out on Jewls’ bed?”
I turned to Nic, who had come in from outside. His dirty jeans and grubby white vest told me he had been gardening, one of his favourite things to do to unwind. His wellies sat just outside the door on the step. He stood up tall, wiping the sweat from his brow with his forearm. Of us all he was the most physically imposing, he spent most of his spare time – what little spare time he had away from the restaurant – in the gym, and he was ripped. Probably because, of us all, he was the most disciplined, the most controlled and organised. We used to joke he did nothing on impulse – if it wasn’t pre-planned into his Blackberry calendar, it didn’t happen.
There was a reason he was so serious I guess. He had spent his entire adult life, from the age of eighteen, raising us. Can’t have been easy.
“Not on her bed, in her bed!” Marco piped up, still determined to make light of something that it was obvious was anything but amusing to me.
“She’s pissed at you, Micah?” Nic asked, knowing full well that I wouldn’t lie when asked a direct question.
I groaned. “Yes she is, okay? She’s pissed off at me and I would just like a bit of time to myself to think about how I’m gonna fix this, okay? So please, if you would all just…back off…”
For a moment they all just stood looking at me. Nic sighed, and then nodded just a little, giving me silent permission to leave. Before anyone could say any more, that’s exactly what I did.
~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~
Jewls
The following morning I did something I swore I would never do. I phoned in to work sick. I was shaking when I made the call, because I knew I was lying and was terrified I would be sacked because they wouldn’t believe me. I was a truly terrible liar. As it was, Mason told me not to worry, they would find cover for me and to get well soon.
I raided my kitchen cupboards, found a pack of chocolate biscuits and took them back to bed.
~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~
Micah
I called Jewls twice that first evening and then again in the morning; so many times I lost count. She didn’t pick up. I dragged myself out of bed, bypassing breakfast and heading straight to work, figuring at some point during the day she would have to talk to me, she couldn’t avoid me forever at work.
But when I got there, to my total surprise, she had phoned in sick, the very last thing I had expected her to do. Things were much, much worse than I had realised.
I went to her flat after work and banged on the door for at least half an hour. I thought at one point I saw her curtains twitch, but she never answered the door or her phone, or the multitude of text messages I sent her. It was as if she had disappeared off the face of the earth.
Two days passed, two agonising days. She never came to work and she never responded to my pleas to at least let me know she was okay. I was met with a complete wall of silence. I felt the loss of her presence like a knife to the gut, it hurt so much.
My siblings seemed to have decided the best course of action was not to ask, certainly I was not divulging any information. Marco came to me once to apologise for ribbing me. I guess he was picking up on my mood and feeling it as much as I was. I acknowledged him, and he retreated to a safe distance.
By the end of the second day I was so upset, so agitated that there was only one sibling left who dared to approach me. Nic.
He found me sat out on my little balcony watching the moonlight bouncing off the sea and smoking a cigarette. He slid the little door open some more and stepped out next to me.
“You know if you’re gonna smoke out here try and keep the door shut, huh? Can smell it out in the hall.”
“Sorry…” I muttered, really not caring at all.
He smirked and followed my gaze out to sea. “Nice night, eh?”
I shrugged. “I suppose. How was the restaurant tonight?”
“Busy,” he said, loosening his bowtie. “Listen, you up for a shift tomorrow? I know you’re meant to be off but Mari is looking tired and I’d love to be able to tell her to take some time off and go shopping or something, and-”
“Course I will,” I said without hesitation. If anyone deserved some time off, it was Mari. And besides, I thought the distraction of a shift at Carousel might do me good.
“Thanks, Bro.” He let out a sigh and turned to me. “Micah…what is it? What happened? There’s more to this then Jewls being a little pissed cause you were drunk. Come on…talk to me.”
I groaned and shook my head, throwing my cigarette end over the side and ignoring his disapproving stare. “Trust me, Nic. You don’t want to know…”
“I don’t want to know, or you don’t want me to know?”
“Both,” I admitted and stepped back inside, sitting on the edge of my bed. He hovered in the doorway for a moment or two and then cautiously sat beside me.
“Spill.”
He listened intently while I relayed exactly what had happened and how Jewls had reacted. I tried to ignore his grimace when I told him how I had asked Jewls if she wished we had done something, and actually had to look away from his death stare when I told him how I touched Jewls and her reaction.
When I had done the silence was excruciating. Nic got up and paced a couple of times before stopping and turning to me.
“Damn it, Micah. I thought I brought you up to show more respect than that. You as good as forced yourself onto her, or tried to.”
My eyes widened at that, I hadn’t expected him to say it. “No, I didn’t!” I protested, “I would never…!”
“What would you call it? Did she invite you to…to grope her?”
“I didn’t grope her!” I argued, realising as the words came out that that was exactly what I had done. What a complete and utter turd I was.
“Well whatever you call it…it’s pretty clear you terrified her.”
“I didn't mean to…” I said, realising how lame that sounded.
“I know that…” Nic said dismissively, as though it was a given. He ran a forefinger and thumb over his chin, stroking the stubble there and sighed again.
“You’re serious about her, Micah?”
I thought about that and nodded. “I think I love her.”
He smirked at that and shook his head. “Then you gotta grow up. On a maturity scale she’s a thousand notches higher than you. But she’s damaged. What’s a joke to you…it’s serious to her. Every word you say to her, she will analyse, over analyse and then pull apart some more. You put her down in any way – even joking – she will remember it, take it to heart and hold it against you. Everything you say…everything you do…nothing will be insignificant to her.” he sighed and took his glasses off. “Micah…I know it probably feels to you like she’s taken out on you what he did to her. And maybe she has, and maybe it isn’t fair that she did that, but it’s not her fault. She’s programmed to think the worst of everything. To think she doesn’t deserve you. When you and I both know…it’s probably the other way around. You’re not responsible for what he did, but if you want her…you need to accept that these feelings she has, negative stuff about herself, it isn’t gonna go away, cause you want it to. You can’t fix it, or change it and it’s arrogant to think you can.”
I let out a frustrated sigh of my own. “Then what can I do?”
“Show her you’re not like that. Be a man and treat her properly. Back up your words with actions and never do anything to hurt her. Never again. Your job is not to try and be clever about it, to do stupid stuff to impress her or feed your male ego. You just need to love her, fiercely. In short…stop fucking around and step up. But either way nothing will change overnight. Above all though, if you start down this path, you can’t walk away. You have to be consistently there, cause if you break her heart? She’ll be ruined for sure. So be certain she’s what you want, before you proceed. You can’t play games, not with a girl like Jewls. You
only have one question you need to ask yourself.”
“Which is?”
He shrugged. “Is she worth it? Worth the effort?”
I smiled at that and didn’t hesitate with my answer. “She’s worth it.”
He stood up, smiling and stretched, yawning. “Then fight for her.”
“She won’t let me.” I said regretfully. “She’s called in sick at work, won’t answer her texts, calls and she won’t answer the door to me. She’s completely blanked me.”
He thought about that and nodded. “Give her time. She’ll come round.”
I nodded, unconvinced as he rubbed my shoulder supportively and made to leave. He stopped at the door and turned back to me. “One more thing, Micah…?”
“Yeah…?”
“Quit throwing your cigarette ends over the balcony. I swear I picked at least a hundred out of the flower bed the other day. Get a fucking ashtray.”
I smirked and nodded. “Right, okay.”
“Better yet, quit. It’s a filthy habit anyway…” he muttered as he walked out the door and I heard him walk off down the hall, his work shoes squeaking on the wood floor.
~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~
Jewls
Two days felt like a lifetime. Life without Micah in it was no life at all. It was empty and it was miserable.
I spent it holed up in my flat, listening to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack on a loop, mulching about in my onesie and eating chocolate. I analysed every part of my last encounter with Micah, trying to work out where I was in the wrong and where he was in the wrong. He had pretty much pushed himself on me uninvited, and that was wrong. I had projected feelings Andrew had caused me to feel onto Micah, and that was wrong. Micah hadn’t known about Andrew and so couldn’t be expected to make allowances, how could he without all the information? The trouble was, however I looked at it, I would probably never be able to be to Micah what he wanted and needed me to be. And so, I had to come to the heart breaking realisation that it had to be over before it started.
I was startled out of my stupor by the sound of my doorbell. I didn’t think there would ever be a day when I wouldn’t feel that lump of fear at the knowledge someone was at my door. I didn’t have any debts here, no creditors after me but the fear was there all the same. Plus, I had a feeling I knew who it was.
It rang again, and then again. Why couldn’t he just leave it? We hadn’t been together long and he would have no trouble finding someone new to replace me.
Again the doorbell rang and my heart leapt up into my mouth. Andrew! What if he had found me?
I jumped up off the sofa, rather ridiculously looking around me for somewhere to hide. Panic was seeping through me and my heart thumped solidly in my chest. I tip-toed onto the landing, looking down at the front door, trying to see through the smoky glass in the top some indication of who it was. The letterbox flapped open, and a hand slipped through, holding it open.
“Jewls? Jewls love its Nic, Micah’s brother? We met at the restaurant. Could I just have a quick word? He’s not with me, I promise.”
Nic? What did he want? I opened my mouth, although what to say I don’t know. It was pretty obvious he knew I was here, he could probably see my feet through the letterbox so there was no hiding now, but what did we have to say to each other.
“Um…I’m not really feeling very…well…” I trailed off, feeling stupid for lying even as the lie slipped out.
“No, I know. Micah said you called in sick. I bring…Lucozade and chicken soup, mama used to say it was the cure for anything and everything. Can I come in, just for five minutes? Or we can talk on the doorstep if you prefer. Please? Of all us brothers I’m the sanest, the most stable. I can make sure Micah doesn’t hassle you anymore, if that’s what you really want? Is it…?” I didn’t answer, because the answer was too complicated. Yes, I wanted him to stop hassling me, to let it go and move on…but at the same time the idea of never seeing him again made my heart shatter.
“You gonna let me in?”
One final moment of hesitation and I found myself walking down the stairs, opening the latch and then the door wider for Nic to come in.
He smiled brightly, looking as ridiculously handsome as ever. The Machvaya genes sure were epic, no doubt about it. In one hand he held up a bottle of Lucozade, in the other a container of homemade chicken soup. I couldn’t help but smile back.
“Come on up,” I said, heading back up the stairs as he followed me. I gestured to the sofa. “Have a seat; can I get you a coffee, tea?”
“Oh, no thank you.” I stood in the doorway for a moment or two with absolutely no idea what to say or where to put myself.
Nic looked around him briefly at my still frankly quite empty living room and smiled at me. “So I talked to Micah last night. He told me everything…what he did, and what you told him. I’m not here to defend him, Jewls. What he did was wrong, and I told him so.”
I nodded, trying to come across as defiant. I was waiting for him to say…however…
“However…” he started and smirked as I rolled my eyes. “Is it definitely over?”
“Yeah,” I said, unable to hide my regret. “Yeah, it has to be.”
“Because of what he did?”
I let out a sigh. “No…not just that. Not that.”
“Can I ask why then? You can tell me to mind my own business…”
Suddenly I felt incredibly vulnerable and out of my depth. The fat ginger girl who wandered into the beautiful family and didn’t belong there. I wrapped my arms around my front, acutely aware of my damn cookie monster onesie and my messed up hair.
“I can’t be what he wants…” I heard myself say. My voice sounded too small.
He frowned at that, considering my words. “What is it you think he wants?”
“Sex…” I blurted out before I could stop it.
Nic frowned and opened his mouth a couple of times to speak, closing it again. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. “Jewls, have you…?”
“Of course I have!” I spat, more embarrassed then anything. “I was married. I got it whether I wanted it or not. Micah is…confident, in his skin, with himself…sexually. He probably wants the same in return only I don’t know if I can…if I am ready yet and if I ever will be…and either way, I will never be like him. What I will do, is hold him back and deny him what he needs because I have scars and issues that I haven’t even begun to process yet. Stuff he wouldn’t understand and can’t help me with.”
Nic nodded slowly, deep in thought and there was a long silence. I stood awkwardly for a moment or two, my arms still crossed defensively across my chest, before I decided to sit in the chair across from him.
“You know Jewls…Micah’s father…he was a real piece of work. Me and Eli, we have a different dad. He was a real man. He died and my mum remarried. I used to listen to him shout at her, listen to him hit her. Has Micah told you about our mother, what happened? How she…how she died?”
I nodded absently. “Yeah…I’m sorry.”
“Thank you…” he said, almost automatically, as though he were used to saying it. “The others were very young, and mum did a good job of hiding it from them I think. So you might possibly be right, he might not be able to understand. But I know men like your husband Jewls. Me and Eli….we were older, almost adults. So in some ways, I get it. You know…Micah is a good man. I’ve made sure of that. He told me what he said to you and what he did and I must apologise. Because he knows better than to behave like that. When he’s done wrong he knows I will tell him. But he also knows I will defend him when he needs me to as well. He’s not a bad man and he isn’t and never will be the kind of man who would physically hurt you, or take advantage of you sexually. If anything, what he is guilty of – what Micah is always guilty of – is being incredibly naïve. He has a very positive outlook on life; he is full of life of…of joy. Of all my siblings he is the one we all love to be around all the time because of the sheer energy he radiates. He really is his
mother’s son. Only this last couple of days he’s been a fucking nightmare.” He looked at me suddenly and held a hand up. “Excuse the language, I’m sorry.”
I shrugged him off. Truth was, I loved listening to this guy speak. He had a deep, husky voice, like velvet and he was incredibly articulate. Everything about him was immaculate from his hair down to his shiny shoes, the whole package was there. He was absolutely stunning and yet still I was surprised the spark wasn’t there, the one that I felt, like electricity, every time I was near Micah.
“I work on a fairground, I’ve heard worse.” I said with a small smile, which he returned.
“Give him another chance, Jewls. I know he would do anything to make amends. Whatever it took, whatever you wanted.”
I let out a sigh. “How can someone like me ever be good enough for someone like Micah.” I gestured to myself to reiterate my point. Nic just looked at me. I rolled my eyes. “Come on…look at me.”
He nodded. “I am, and all I see is a beautiful girl, the beautiful girl my brother is head over heels in love with. Let go, Jewls. You came here for a new life, right? So live it, allow yourself to be happy. You deserve it; you’re allowed to be happy. Talk to him, please. He’s driving us mad.”
I felt the last of my strength ebb away and let out an exaggerated sigh. “Okay…okay alright. I’ll give it one last shot. But when my heart gets shattered, and I’m looking for someone to blame I will remind you of this conversation, and hold you personally responsible. Deal?”
He grinned broadly and nodded. “You have a deal, Jewls.”
I rolled my eyes again. “I’ll call him…”
“Um…” and for the first time, it was Nic who looked uncomfortable, as though he found something distasteful. “When I said Micah wasn’t with me…um…” he must have seen my face fall because again he held a hand up defensively. “He’s not…but he is sitting on the bench at the end of the road. Just in case you wanted to see him? If not, or not yet…I will take him home and you can call him in your own time. What are you thinking?”
Gypsy Kiss: Book 1: Micah (The Gypsy Kiss Series) Page 21
