It also occurred to me that I didn’t care one bit.
I watched her closely as she buttoned up my shirt and carefully put my cufflinks on, being mindful of the bandages on my hands. Although they were no longer useless stumps at the ends of my arms, they were still strapped up limiting my use of my fingers significantly. Shoelaces and buttons were a definite impossibility for me.
My little sister seemed older somehow. She had always been the young, carefree member of our family, but now I could see that was gone. She had probably been the strongest of us all through this, but I could see the pain in her eyes that she was trying to hide. We had all been living such a charmed existence, close together, happy, secure in our home and our work….and this dark existence we now found ourselves stuck in, it had taken its toll on us all. She caught my eye briefly and smiled a little.
“There now. All set, just your coat, huh? You know, I-”
“Mari…” I started.
“Yeah?”
I swallowed and a stray tear rolled down my cheek. “I don’t think I can do this…”
She frowned at that and sighed. “Yes you can, Micah. Course you can.”
Now I was really crying and cursing myself for it. I couldn’t afford to fall apart, not at that point, before I had even made it to the funeral. How was I ever going to get through this?
I shook my head erratically. “I can’t…I can’t…I don’t want to…”
“Neither do I,” she said, now crying too. She stroked my hair on the left side, tucking it behind my ear before settling her palm on the side of my face. “But we have to. Because we love our brother and he deserves this. We will do it together. Nic, Eli, Luca and Kris are gonna carry him in and Micah…me and you, we’re gonna walk in together. I need you by my side. I will support you, I promise. We can do this, yeah?”
I wiped my eyes, realising what she wasn’t saying – she needed me. With just a little hesitation, I nodded. Mari rose to her feet and helped me to stand too. She linked her arm with mine; let out a deep shaky sigh and we made our way downstairs and out into the front garden.
It was a cold day, mid-November and I involuntarily shivered against the icy wind. I forced myself to look up and discovered the garden and the street were full of people. I had never seen so many faces. Many of them were familiar, from the park or connected to the restaurant. All those pairs of eyes turned to me and silence swept over the crowd. Quiet, too quiet and it made me want to turn and run back inside.
Mari tightened her grip on my arm, holding me to her and nodded discretely to my left. Jewls stood at the back of a group of people, watching us with silent tears rolling down her face. Her red hair was scraped back in a bun and she looked pale and gaunt. I wanted to shout to her to come over, walk with us, be with us, but I couldn’t make any words come out of my mouth. I managed to smile a little at her, which she returned and then the sound of the approaching hearse took my attention away.
The car carrying my brother pulled up at the bottom of the driveway. All I could do was stand and stare at it. The flowers simply spelled out BRO. Behind it, another two cars for the rest of us.
The funeral director shook Nic’s hand, whispering something to him before opening the first car door and gesturing for us to get in when we were ready. I looked back to where Jewls had been standing to find her no longer there. Mari got in the car and I followed her.
~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~
Jewls
He saw me - that much I do know. I don’t know what I expected but I admit I had hoped for more than I got. I had wanted him to stalk through the crowd to me, kiss me and ask me to be by my side. What I got was a small smile, kind of like a thanks for being here. I guess that was better than being blanked, or worse having him tell me it was my fault and to leave.
I did my best to slink back even further into the crowd, trying to make myself as invisible as possible as the family all climbed into the cars, the brothers in the official cars, the others in Lisa’s car, or their own. And then it occurred to me I had no idea how I was even going to get to the funeral; I hadn’t thought it through properly. I was about to walk away, see about maybe getting a taxi when I felt a hand on my arm and I turned to find a familiar face smiling sympathetically at me. Alex.
“Need a lift, Jewls?” he said quietly and I nodded wearily through tear filled eyes.
He nodded back and put an arm over my shoulders, guiding me to his car at the curb and helping me in. He climbed into the driver’s side and pulled away to follow the huge procession of cars following the Machvaya family.
“Jewls…” he started. “I’m not gonna ask how you’re feeling. All I’m gonna say is your friends love you and we’re here, okay? Laura is meeting me there, you can sit with us.”
I nodded slowly, appreciating that more than he would ever know.
~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~
Micah
All sorts of random thoughts go through your head in times of intense stress or sorrow. I remember thinking…I wished it was summertime, so that I could at least hide behind a pair of sunglasses. As it was, my grief was laid bare on my face for all to see, my eyes red and puffy from the tears that refused to stop pouring from my eyes. My whole body shook.
As we all climbed out of the cars at the crematorium, it began to snow, light at first but then progressively heavier.
I watched helplessly as my brothers lifted Marco’s coffin onto their shoulders, so badly wanting to do that myself. Mari and I walked in first, followed by my brothers, and then Lisa and the kids with Jenna. Everyone else followed behind. As we reached the front, before I sat down I glanced behind me to find the place was already full, people standing down either side, and at the back, with some still outside.
We had opted for a humanist funeral and a cremation, knowing fine well that Marco would absolutely hate the pomp and circumstance of a religious funeral. Afterwards I would be really glad we did, because it was short and sweet and exactly what Marco would have wanted as well as just about the limit I could take.
“Ladies and gentleman, my name is Julia.” The lady at the front said. “I have been asked by the Machvaya family to conduct this service today and on behalf of them I would like to thank you all for coming down here in support of them and to say goodbye to Marco. Nicoli, Elijah, Micah, Kristoff, Luca and Marisol have suffered a tremendous loss, in particular Micah, who has lost his identical twin. We are going to keep this short, and then you are all welcome back at the family home, but first…Marisol would like to say a few words. Mari?”
She glanced at me, as though asking if it was okay to leave me. I nodded discretely and she released my arm, standing up and making her way to the front.
She was dressed in a smart black dress, her hair in a smooth neat ponytail and for the second time that day I was overwhelmed by how grown up she looked.
She took a piece of paper from her pocket and opened it up, glancing up at us before clearing her throat.
“Um…yeah, thank you all for coming. Marco would be overwhelmed by all these people.
On November fifth our family was attacked and robbed. Our restaurant was taken from us, our livelihood…and our beautiful, funny, smart brother. He did nothing wrong, nothing at all. No one did anything wrong. No one.
Marco was…amazing. He loved life and he loved to party. He was a little…loose with the ladies…” she smirked as she said that and a murmur of laughter spread about the room – it was a very polite way of saying he was a man whore, a title he had actually always been quite proud of.
“…he never did find love, and I guess that’s what makes me saddest of all. Because he had a huge heart and one day, he might have met someone who made him want to settle and now he never will. He breathed life into any room he entered. You could never stay mad at him, nor sad in his company. It was impossible. Yeah, he was a joker, who took very little seriously. But I will say this – you could rely on him if you needed him. He never let me, or anyone else down.
&nbs
p; I grew up in a house with six brothers. You can imagine what that was like. Or you might think you can. But actually, what it’s meant is…I have grown up with six incredibly strong, smart…gorgeous…boys who have all had my back and who have each had a role to play in my life that is unique to them. Nic, the father…Eli, the defender. Luca and Kris…the backup…Micah, my best friend. And Marco…the entertainer. When I was little, he used to sing to me. You probably all know he loved to dance and sing, he loved music. Sometimes when I was very young…he was only one who could settle me when I couldn’t sleep.”
At that she began to cry again. “And I wish he was here now. Because I don’t think I will ever sleep peacefully again without him. And the hardest part is…seeing what it has done to Micah. Seeing the pain he’s been in, physically and emotionally. And knowing I can’t ease it. It’s my job to look after these boys and I can’t do anything.”
She fought to compose herself and managed it, straightening herself up. “We are a strong family, a unit. We always have been. We will get through this, together. We’ve dealt with loss and tragedy before and my brothers triumphed. They will this time, too. But there will always be a piece of us just…missing. And it hurts.” She looked directly at me. “Micah…I will do…everything and anything I can to help you through this, we all will. We swear it. We love you so much and you are not alone. Turn to those who love you and they will always be there I promise, okay?”
Through my own tears I nodded. “Yeah…” I breathed, but it came out so quiet I’m not even sure I heard it properly. I was exhausted, so sick of crying. I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there.
She turned to his coffin, and the photograph of him sitting on top of it and ran a hand along the smooth wood.
“Marco…brother. We love you so much, and we always will. We carry you with us in our hearts and we wish you eternal peace. This is for you.”
And then I heard the opening bars of a song, one I had often heard Marco playing in his bedroom, Lullaby by Professor Green. I immediately understood the choice, it was perfect.
‘…when your love kept me safe through the night
All the time I was sure you were mine
And before time demands our goodbye
Can you sing me a last lullaby…?’
~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~
Jewls
I managed to sneak out at the end and jumped in a taxi without anyone seeing me. I had to draw the line at going back to the house. If Micah had wanted me there, he would have taken the opportunity to speak to me when it was presented to him. I had too much respect for the whole family to show up at the house, set tongues wagging and be a presence that would only serve to remind them of why they had lost Marco in the first place.
I headed back to the flat, ran myself a bath and laid in it until the water was cold.
~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~
Micah
Back at the house I showed my respects to people who came to the wake, thanked them for coming and then disappeared upstairs to my room. I couldn’t take any more. Within minutes of me disappearing Mari came up with a coffee, and without a word helped me take my shoes and jacket off and helped me into bed, propping a pillow behind me to prevent me accidentally rolling onto my right shoulder.
Within minutes I was fast asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~
Micah
The next time I woke it was dark outside and a glance at the clock told me it was close to six in the evening. I had woken because somewhere close I could hear raised voices.
I crawled carefully out of bed and padded out into the hall. A quick glance in Mari’s room and I could see she was asleep on top of her covers. I headed to the top of the stairs and down them. No sign of anyone in the living room or the kitchen.
“You know I’m right, Nic! Why can’t you admit it?”
Eli. I turned my attentions to the separate living room; one that it had always been mutually understood was Nic’s room, his office at home and his escape from the stresses of life as a big brother and effectively a parent. The door was open maybe an inch and I peered inside.
Eli was pacing up and down, waving his arms around in frustration.
“Nic, we need to find this guy and we need to finish him! He murdered our brother! Marco was murdered damn it, in our restaurant. Which is no more, burnt to the goddam ground! Micah burned his hands and arms trying to pull him out of the building! We have one dead brother and one seriously hurt, devastated because of what that bastard did to us!”
“And the police will find him, and he'll get his, Eli! I won't lose another brother! We should be concentrating on Micah, on getting him better and back with Jewls!”
“Micah needs this more than any of us! He should be there, delivering the first blow. And the last one come to that!”
“And then what, huh? We're not the fucking mafia Eli; none of us has ever killed anyone! Stop acting like you could do it without a second thought; it would not be that simple! And what about Lisa, huh? And George and Ruby, how could you ever look them in the eye knowing you killed a man? You wanna watch them grow up from behind bars? Think Eli! Just for once engage your brain, damn it! How could it possibly help Micah to have more blood shed? You said it yourself; he’s in bits over this! He should be concentrating on Jewls and trying to find a way to move forward.”
“I think we should ask him what he wants to do.”
I opened the door just a fraction more to get a closer look, in time to see Nic march up to Eli, so close their noses touched.
“No one is even gonna so much as mention this craziness to Micah. He's in a very vulnerable state right now and you're gonna tip him over the edge you fucking moron!”
“Are you gonna stop me?” Eli challenged, his lips pressed tightly together, eyes wide with anger.
Nic nodded erratically, his own anger building. “If I have to…yes…”
For a few tense moments, the two eldest brothers fronted each other out, and it was Eli who eventually backed down.
“You're a coward Nic. Playing the dutiful daddy role, the calm, sensible one we're meant to fall in line behind! Well, not on this. I am not gonna let the death of my brother go unpunished and I'm certain the others will back me up. We're doing this, Nic. With or without you.”
“Fuck, Eli!”
I decided I had heard enough, and I walked in. They both turned to me, and I could see the worry on Nic’s face as he realised I had heard it all.
“We’re doing this…” I said, my tone as flat and empty as I felt.
Nic opened his mouth to respond and then sighed and shook his head. “Micah…this won’t make you feel better, you know that, right? It won’t…” he closed his eyes, “it won’t bring Marco back. It won’t fix things with Jewls. It won’t fill that gap that’s inside you now.”
“No, then what will?” I snapped, my tone more clipped than I had intended it to be. “Sitting around here while you all fuss over me? Wallowing in self-pity and waiting until it gets so bad I literally can’t go on? That piece of shit hurt my Jewls and murdered my brother and he is laughing about it. It was me he was trying to kill, he got the wrong guy and he doesn’t care. He’s mocking us, Nic. There’s five of us now, five on one, we have to do this. We’re doing this.”
Nic opened and closed his mouth several times, obviously trying to find some words. Eventually he just sighed. “Even if we did…confront him…we don’t know where he is. If the police can’t find him, how are we supposed to, huh?”
I stood for a minute thinking and then nodded. “Jewls.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~
Jewls
When I heard the knock on the door, they very last person I expected to see standing there was Micah. My heart surged until I saw his expression – intense and agitated.
“Hey…” I blurted. Idiot.
“Hi Jewls.” He said, all business like and cold. Yep, I was about to be dumped.
; “Um…do you want to come in?”
God, this was awful. We had gone from inseparable to completely unable to hold even a comfortable conversation. In fact, he looked like he wanted to be anywhere else in the world than here in front of me. Behind him I could see Nic’s car. He waved uncomfortably.
“No, thanks. Uh…I need your help, Jewls.”
“Anything…” I said, and I meant it.
“Can you contact him? A-” he swallowed, as if his name alone got stuck in his throat. I understood that. “Andrew. You have a number for him?”
I shook my head regretfully. “No…he’s never called me, and his number isn’t the one I used to have, he’s changed it. The only way he has communicated is um…he’s put things through my letterbox, just to let me know he’s watching, waiting. Trying to scare the living shit out of me. I’ve shown them to the police.”
“He said he would come for you…when you finally realised there was nothing here for you anymore, right? When…when you finally realised I would never be able to love you now. When you realised that I hate you now?”
Already, I didn’t like where this was going. “Yes…” I breathed.
Gypsy Kiss: Book 1: Micah (The Gypsy Kiss Series) Page 37
