I nodded sadly. “I’m sure. It’s gone too far, there’s too much…distance between us. Too much hurt, on both sides, for different reasons. I will always look at him and feel guilty, and he will always look at me and blame me.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t blame you, sweetheart. He’s hurting, his loss is monumental. I don’t know how he’s even still standing. He lost the other half of himself. I understand your reasons, I do. Believe me. But all I’m saying is, is now a good time to make such a huge decision, while emotions are so high? You forget I’ve seen pictures of you two together. I could see plain as day the love there. I thought you had found your soulmate.”
“I did.”
“So…don’t let him go.”
“I didn’t, mum. He left me. Left me high and dry.”
She thought about that and sighed. “If Andrew hadn’t come along, if Marco hadn’t died, or it had nothing to do with Andrew…would you let Micah slip away?”
“If none of that had happened, he wouldn’t be slipping away, mum.” I countered. “But it has happened, all of it, and the damage? It’s too much to fix.”
She sighed again and shook her head. “What are you gonna do? It’s not going to be easy, especially when you’re back working at the park in the spring? And living so close by.”
“I know…I don’t know…maybe I should move on.”
She frowned and shook her head. “Move on where? What are you talking about?”
“I can’t stay here, not anymore!”
“Why not? Jewls, what are you not telling me?”
“I’m-” I managed to stop short of saying pregnant, and mentally corrected myself, “the doctor thinks I might be…”
“What? Are you sick?”
“No…” I closed my eyes, feeling myself shaking violently, afraid to say the word, afraid not to. I took a deep breath and decided just to say it. If I couldn’t confide in my own mother, who could I confide in? “Pregnant.”
She raised her eyebrows and sat back in shock. “Oh…you don’t think so?”
“I don’t see how…you know with the whole…they told me years ago; forget about it, it won’t happen.”
“What makes the doctor think you’re pregnant?”
“A blood test says I am.”
She smiled at that. “Baby, that’s pretty conclusive. Do you know how pregnant?”
I shrugged. “They’re gonna do a scan shortly.”
Her smile broadened. “Can I sit in?”
I shrugged half-heartedly. Suddenly all I wanted to do was sleep. “Okay.”
“Does Micah know?”
“No…”
“Don’t you think he should? This could be the thing that…fixes you both.”
I nodded erratically, realising vaguely that I was crying – again. “Yeah. He would do everything in his power to get us back together. And I would never know for sure…whether he wanted me, or the baby. It’s better for us both to draw a definite line.”
“A baby…it blurs that line, Jewls. A baby…links you together forever, you know? You move away sooner or later you still have to tell him, you can’t keep something like this to yourself…”
“I know, and I will…later, in a month or two when things aren’t so…raw.”
Mum got up and paced the room a few times, eventually sitting down in a plastic chair by the bed. “Okay…if you’re sure…come home with me. I will help you Jewls, you and the baby. Andrew isn’t around to stop you anymore. If you don’t feel you can stay here…” she took my hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. “Come home with me.”
It took me a while to respond to her, and I don’t know why. Because the moment she had said it, I knew it was what I was going to do. That is was the right thing to do. So my answer was a no-brainer.
“Okay…”
~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~
Micah
Eli’s house was not all that far from mine, smaller but smart, classy like him with a neat front garden and a huge oak front door. He pulled up onto the drive and shut off the engine with a loud sigh.
“Are you sure you want a drink? If it’s just a change of scenery or a little peace…you can just have a lie down, or…or…”
“You said something about a bottle of whiskey?” I interrupted.
He nodded, resigned. “Yeah. Follow me.”
We climbed out of the car, and I followed him into the house. Inside was typical Eli. Masculine, neat and thoroughly modern, with the occasional feminine touch and random toy the only things indicating a family lived here.
Lisa came out to us from the kitchen, smiling, but her smile quickly faded as she looked me up and down.
“Hey…Micah…how are you?”
I shrugged. “Mmm…yeah…”
“Micah would like to get drunk, Lisa.” Eli said.
“Yeah, but…with the meds-”
“My brother wants to get drunk. He’s split with Jewls, he’s having a shit time and he wants to get drunk. As his big brother, I think it’s my job to supervise.” I didn’t miss the look he gave her, the look that said I got this, trust me, “So we’re gonna take that bottle of whiskey I’ve been saving and we’re gonna take it into the conservatory. Is the heating on in there?”
“Umm…yeah…” Lisa said, nodding slowly. I could tell she was worried, but wisely she didn’t protest with us. “Micah, if there’s anything…if you need anything…” she sighed, as though realising how lame that was and shrugged. She came to me and simply put her arms around me, in a tender gesture of support. I accepted the hug and even managed to smile as she kissed me on the cheek. “You can stay here as long as you need to.”
“Thank you.” I heard myself say.
She gave Eli’s arm a nudge and shot him another look, this one saying you’d better take care of him, hope you know what you’re doing, and then she left us to it.
Eli headed for the dining room with me following. I waited while he opened his drinks cabinet, rummaging around before emerging with a large bottle of whiskey, waving it at me as if to say here it is before gesturing to the conservatory.
He had built it with his bare hands, and named it the man room, no kids or wives allowed. It was fully carpeted, tastefully decorated in browns and creams with a leather sofa and forty-two inch wide screen television, a stereo in the corner wired to an elaborate speaker system.
We sat on the sofa in silence as he opened the whiskey and poured us both a glass. He held his up, thought for a minute and shrugged.
“To…life, and the complete and utter shittiness of it.”
I nodded idly and drank mine down in one go. Without saying anything, he filled it again for me. This was why I was glad I was with Eli at that time. He was the only one prepared to go with what I wanted and needed, even if it wasn’t the smart choice, even if it was the last thing I should be doing. Nic would have refused point blank to have even one drink with me, Mari would have wanted to talk it out, but Eli…he never patronised, never tried to make people’s decisions for them. I highly doubt he wanted us to be sitting there drinking at nine in the morning, or to risk me mixing the alcohol with my meds, but he didn’t miss what the others would have – I was going to do it, and if I had to, I would do it alone. Eli weighed up his options and realised it would be safer if he were with me.
He was obviously agonising over saying something, and I simply waited, realising already that he was about to say something stupid and pointless. I think he knew it too, that’s why he was holding back. Still, eventually he cleared his throat and said quietly,
“It will get better, you know.” I rolled my eyes and he shifted in his seat to face me, holding his hands up defensively. “I’m not saying you’ll get over it and I know it sounds like a cliché. You won’t get over it bro. Time is not a healer. But as time goes on…you’ll just find that you learn to live with it. That you get better at getting up in the mornings. That you can go for progressively longer amounts of time without that dull pain inside. You keep going b
ecause there’s nothing else to do. You just do. Even if you don’t want to. The pain…it will fade.”
I picked up the whiskey, intending to fill my glass again and sighed, drinking from the bottle instead. It was old and strong and it stung the back of my throat, heating my chest in its descent.
“My twin brother was murdered. I felt him die. I love my family Eli, I do. I love you all so much, but without him…I make no sense, I’m incomplete. Broken. And Jewls, she was my future and now she’s gone too. So I have nothing. My memories are all ruined, because when I think about them, I remember I don’t have him anymore. And my future…I don’t have one. I don’t have anything. Pain like that?” I shook my head, ignoring the tears rolling down my cheeks. “It doesn’t fade, Eli. It just…hurts. And I might get numb to it, if I can drink enough. But I will still feel it, and I should. You know why? Because that’s the price I have to pay. Because he died in my place. You understand that? He died because Andrew thought he was me. He died because of me.”
Eli just stared at me for a while, stunned. “You’re blaming yourself?”
I shrugged. I realised I hadn’t said that before to anyone, and now I had, I was uncomfortable admitting it. I was worried that putting the idea into the head of someone else, they would realise I was right and hate me probably as much as I had begun to hate myself.
It had been growing inside me progressively since the funeral, the notion that it was me who should be dead, not Marco.
“It’s me who’s meant to be dead.” Saying it out loud for the first time.
“Micah, neither one of you is meant to be dead. Don’t you see that? Marco didn’t die because you were with Jewls. He died because a narcissistic, woman-beating, psychopathic crazed lunatic went too far and murdered him. It’s not your fault, it’s not Jewls’ fault…it’s his fault. And now he’s dead. But you’re not. You can talk to Jewls and you can fix it…”
“If I thought that was true, I would try, Eli. I love her so much. But she’s right, what I did was unforgivable and so…I don’t deserve her anyway. She was the one person who could have gotten me through, if I had just let her in. Instead I pushed her away and now she’s gone and there’s nothing.” I wiped my eyes with the back of my sleeve and picked the bottle up again. At least I could still do that, I couldn’t use my fingers, but I could use my hands. “There’s nothing bro, nothing but pain.”
He considered that, and sighed, defeated. “What can I do?”
I took another swig of the whiskey. Finally, I was beginning to feel it take effect, the pain easing as the grief seemed to intensify. “Keep the drink coming, brother. It’s gonna be a long day.”
~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~
Jewls
“Okay, Jewls…if you just lay back, we’ll have a little look and shed some light on things for you, okay?”
“You won’t find anything…” I muttered, climbing up onto the bed and lifting my top to expose my stomach. It didn’t look any different, not to me, but evidently my mum saw something I didn’t, because a smile spread across her face.
“Tell me that is not a baby bump right there, Jewls Isobel Cartwright!”
I looked down and rolled my eyes. “I’m fat mum, that’s nothing new.”
She laughed a little and shook her head. “That’s an obvious, solid bump, sweetie!”
The midwife smiled too, placing her hands on my stomach. “I have to agree Jewls. Shall we see if we can see baby then?”
My mum was practically giddy now, shuffling excitedly in her seat. “Oh Jewls…”
“I mean it mum, don’t get too excited.”
“The gel is just a little cold,” the midwife said, and then put some on my stomach. She ran the transducer over me, and we all watched the screen. I expected nothing, so no one was more surprised than me when almost immediately she said, “there we are…do you see, Jewls?”
I narrowed my eyes and looked at the blob on the screen. Why do people do that anyway? Narrow their eyes as if that somehow helps them to see better. I didn’t know what the hell I was looking at, but I saw something.
“Oh my God, Jewls!” my mum squealed excited. “There it is!”
“Okay, mum may want to sit down for a minute,” the midwife said, grinning. Mum ignored her, and we both just watched the screen. “There’s the baby, Jewls.” She pointed to the blob I was looking at and then moved her finger across a little to another shadow, “and there’s the other baby.”
Holy fuck. I stared at her, wondering if I had heard her correctly. No, I couldn’t have. My mum looked equally stunned.
“What did you say?” she murmured.
“Jewls is expecting twins. If you bear with me, I will tell you how far along you are. But there are definitely two babies. Are there any other twins in your family?”
“My boyfriend…” I heard myself say, “…the father…he’s an identical twin, he has a twin…he had a twin, he was murdered…but he is a twin…” I realised I was rambling then, when all I had really needed to say was yes, the father was a twin. Mercifully she pretended not to have heard all that.
“That explains that, then. You didn’t realise you were pregnant, Jewls? Have you been menstruating?”
“No, but that’s not unusual. I have polycystic ovaries. And there’s been a lot going on lately…I thought I couldn’t…”
“Well congratulations. And judging by the measurements, you are…sixteen weeks pregnant, so you’ve gone almost half way already. Your due date is…” she did some calculations and nodded to herself, “May. May the sixth. Although with twins, they often come early. Now…at this stage we can sometimes determine the sexes, but these two don’t seem to want to play ball. I realise this must be a monumental shock to you,” I scoffed at that, monumental didn’t even cut it, “…so what I suggest is, you go home, take some time to let this sink in and come back tomorrow for another scan where we can take our time and see if they help us out. How does that sound?”
“Okay…” I croaked.
“Okay. Would you like a picture of the scan?”
I opened my mouth again to answer, but this time no words came out. Mum answered for me. “Yes, please.”
“I’ll just be a moment.”
She left and mum turned to me, her eyes wide with shock but filled with joy. “Oh, Jewls! Twins! How do you feel?”
I turned to her and before I knew what was happening, I was sobbing.
I never even gave her an answer. And if I am honest, I don’t know what the answer would have been.
Terrified maybe. I was terrified.
~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~
Micah
I don’t know how long it was before I fell asleep. Wisely probably Eli chose to leave me to it, covering me with a blanket to make sure I didn’t get cold. His only error was leaving the leftover whiskey – about a third of a bottle – on the coffee table.
The next time I woke up it was dark outside, a glance at the clock and I saw it was almost six. The back garden was covered with a blanket of snow. Under other circumstances it would have filled me with excitement. I usually loved the snow, and as soon as it started to come down me and Marco would be out wrestling in it.
Marco. Dead.
I was caught up in another wave of seemingly unending grief. I sat up, blinking slowly and wincing at the pain in my shoulder – it was bearable now but still giving me grief.
This was it now. This was my poor excuse of a life. A black hole of misery and no way out.
Well, one way out.
I padded out into the hall, and on hearing voices found Eli and Lisa in the living room watching television. They were curled up together on a chair, Lisa on his lap much like me and Jewls had been what now felt like a million years ago. She had her arms around his neck, her fingers idly playing with his ponytail as they watched a movie together, occasionally she would plant a kiss on his forehead, or he would kiss her hand.
I was standing behind them, and so neither of them had seen me yet. I
just stood in the doorway watching them for a bit.
Lisa’s Eli was a completely different man to the Eli the rest of the world saw. Lisa’s Eli was romantic, tender, relaxed and happy, none of the tension or rough edges that he displayed outside this house. He worshipped his wife and he adored his children and he made sure they knew it at every chance.
I remembered all those weeks previously, when I had asked for his advice with Jewls. I had asked because I wanted this, I wanted what he had here. And God had I come so close, so fucking close to my dream life with the love of my life.
I felt a wave of powerful emotion sweep over me, but that time it wasn’t grief, it was something even more painful, although I hadn’t imagined anything could be. I felt lonely. So completely and utterly alone. I’d lost the two people I was closest to in the world and without them, I realised, my life meant nothing to me.
Looking back I think that was when I made my decision about what I was going to do next. And once I had, it was quite liberating.
I planned to slip out, but it felt wrong somehow to just leave without letting him know what I thought of him, how I felt. As I stood there agonising over it, he turned his head and spotted me.
“Micah…hey, how you feeling?”
I thought about that, choosing my words carefully. I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t want to raise any alarm bells either.
“Um…clearer, yeah.”
He smiled brightly. “Good. Hangover?”
“No, surprisingly not.” I didn’t have a hangover because I was still drunk. I missed that part out, and the fact that the leftover whiskey was in my pocket. “Listen Eli…thanks. You’re uh…you’re always there, no matter what. And you don’t fuss; you just…back me up.”
“I’ll always do that, brother.”
“I know the others think you can be a bit…I don’t know…hot-headed, erratic. But it’s only because you’re the one who’s always had to make the difficult decisions, do the awkward stuff that no one else wants to do, or face. You’re the one deals with the unpleasant stuff, the stuff no one else wants to deal with…”
Gypsy Kiss: Book 1: Micah (The Gypsy Kiss Series) Page 40
