by A'zayler
© 2019
Published by Leo Sullivan Presents
www.leolsullivan.com
All rights reserved.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited.
Contents
How Bad Do You Want It?
Some of y’all will feel me, but most of y’all won’t
Prologue
1. I Need Some Time to Myself
2. I’m Only One Man
3. Sometimes I’m in my Feelings
4. What Do You Want From Me?
5. I Just Want to Make Sure You’re Good
6. Do You Mind?
7. You Have to Let That Hurt Go
8. Baby, It’s Yours… All Yours
9. I’m About to Show You What Best Is
10. Ain’t Got Time for New Relationships
11. You Weren’t the One for Me
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How Bad Do You Want It?
The pain of the past is conflicting. It’s hard, it’s lonely, and it’s deeper than any pit that you feel the need to thrust your broken heart into. The agonizing thoughts and the perpetuated feelings of emptiness hollows the soul until there’s nothing left. We have the ability to either let go of the things that have hurt us or harbor them until we’re completely and utterly destroyed…the choice is ours. Though it doesn’t feel like you’re given much of a choice when everything around you is tumbling down, you are, so make it. Make the choice to live. Live a life that causes you to choose every day. Choose to let go, choose to forgive, choose to move forward, choose happiness, but most importantly… choose yourself!
This isn’t your typical love story, but it’s real, and it’s a battle that a lot of people are facing but aren’t sharing. So, if you’re looking for cupcakes and rainbows, scroll to the end of this book and check out my catalogue. I have a host of other over the hills in love, bubbling over with happiness A’zayler books, but this one isn’t it. This one is a light out of a very dark place for so many beautiful women who have lost themselves on their journey to “love and happiness.
Some of y’all will feel me, but most of y’all won’t
Alright, so I’m Goody Maverick, Forever’s younger sister, and Marcellus’ best friend. She and I are alike in a lot of ways, but we are also very different, starting with the way she loves my boy, Marcellus, and allows that nigga to get away with murder. Marcellus is like my blood and seriously one of my best friends, but at the end of the day, right is right and wrong is wrong. I don’t care who you are.
Growing up, our mama always taught us not to love these niggas, so I don’t. I don’t know what the hell happened to Forever; she must not have been listening. These niggas don’t do anything but lie, cheat, and take you through unnecessary changes. I’ve seen it done too many times to still be a fool. I’ve tried my hand at dating and actually even marrying a man, but that fool did my ass dirty, so now I’m just like fuck all of them bitches.
The way I feel may seem harsh or wrong, but it protects me, and that’s all I care about. A man will use you up and drive your crying ass straight to the crazy house without looking back, and I ain’t got time for that kind of drama. I just want to live my best life, and anytime you’re dealing with a nigga, and your feelings get too involved, that ain’t gon’ happen.
A man will never just let you love them; they always have to do some stupid shit. You can’t ever just be your fun-loving self because they stay around doing mess that eventually leaves you annoying and insecure. Running around town questioning yourself when you’re not even the problem. True enough, there may be some good men out there, but I just feel like if presented with the right opportunity, they’ll be just as doggish as the rest of them.
I already know y’all probably over there thinking I’m just bitter and angry, and you know what… you’re right. I am! But I have every right to be. If you’ve ever given a man your whole self and he still walked around like it was nothing, you’ll understand where I’m coming from. I’m talking about I’ve given a nigga my last penny, my first penny, and every penny I made in between to go along with the love, adoration, respect, and anything else he could have asked me for, and guess what he did?? LEFT MY STUPID ASS!
One thing I’ve learned in life is, you’ll only suffer as long as you allow yourself to. A man can do all the stuff I just mentioned, but only if you let him. You don’t have to settle for that mess, you don’t have to let a man be your whole life, and you most definitely don’t have to let none of these sorry, lying, cheating, no car having, no job having, ten baby mama having ass niggas take your sanity. They ain’t worth it.
It took me a long time to realize it, but when I finally did, I flipped the script. Now I just do them how they do me and keep it moving. I don’t have time for pleasantries, apologies, or pregnancies. All I want is their money. They can keep everything else because most of the little shit these niggas have to give comes with too much extra mess, and I ain’t the woman who’s going to give it to him.
One of y’all may be—hell, my own sister is, but my mama ain’t raise me like that, so I’ma keep it pushing. Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, I asked for that shit. And one thing about it, I ain’t willingly asking to get my heart broke. It hurts too bad, and it takes too long to heal. Fuck these niggas, sis, love yourself! Smooches!
-Paradise “Goody” Maverick
Prologue
~ I Should Have Run From That Fool
Forever ago, when I actually cared about a nigga…
-Goody
“He said that?” Paradise stopped in the middle of the sidewalk with her mouth agape, stomach trembling, and her eyes watering. “How you know?”
“I heard him when I was at my locker. He was standing there with that boy from the football team who has the weird colored hair.” Irritation with a hint of pain laced Yummy’s voice as her tone lowered.
“What he say again? How he said it? Like he was for real?”
“At first, they were all just talking about prom, then one of them asked him who he was going with. He gon’ say, ‘I was thinking about taking Goody, but I don’t want her birthmark to mess up my pictures. It looks like she got burned.’”
Paradise’s eyes watered as the hurtful things said by her so-called friend and undercover crush, Mark, internally broke her to pieces.
“Don’t worry about him, Goody. He sounded just like a nigga who was trying to put on a show for his little friends. Nothing like the way he sounds when he be at Auntie’s house.” Yummy referenced the many times Goody’s crush had come over to do homework, watch movies, and eat up all her mama’s groceries with them.
Paradise, affectionately called Goody by her friends and family, sniffed and found the will to move. “It’s cool, Yummy. I appreciate the lookout, though.”
“You okay?”
“You already know I’m not, but I will be,” Paradise told her cousin while pushing open the door to the house that she shared with her sister, brother, and mother.
Her eyes were still clouded with water as she blinked rapidly to try and push them away. The most sensitive one of her mother’s children, and the one with the biggest heart, Goody’s feelings getting hurt was pretty common in their household, but none of her loved ones played about it. Since they all knew Mark and would probably have a mouth full of insults to throw his way the moment
they found out, she did her best to kill the tears.
“Siahhh!” a loud wail sprouted from Messiah’s room and echoed up the hallway just as Paradise walked into the house from school.
“Got dang, Siah.” She rolled her eyes the moment she heard yelling coming from her brother’s room. “It’s too early in the day for some mess like this. Yummy, I’ma call you back in a little while.”
“Aight, li’l mama. Keep your head up.”
Goody nodded to herself and ended her call, feeling even more sorry for herself due to the compassion in her cousin’s voice.
“Right there, Messiah!” the girl screamed again.
As if her brother messing around in their house was something new, Paradise’s attitude began to rise higher and higher. Being that he was a well-known ladies man at their high school, she should have been pretty acquainted with the feminine moaning and completely disrespectful women that they came from, but she wasn’t.
Maybe if her feelings weren’t hurt and her confidence shot down a few notches, she would have been a little more tolerant of her brother’s shenanigans, but unfortunately for them both, she was not. With continuous knocking on his door, Paradise purposely interrupted her brother’s mid-day rendezvous.
“Can you at least make her be quiet? This is not your house, or hers!”
It was quiet for a minute before Messiah’s way-too-deep-to-be-a-teenager voice yelled back at her.
“Goody, take your ass in your room. I’ll be done in a minute. You messing up my nut, girl.”
“Eww!” Goody had just yelled back when she felt herself being jerked down the hall.
She looked up frantically, swinging at the man holding her in an extremely tight bear hug. “Get your—”
His hand covered her mouth, shoving the rest of her sentence back down her throat.
Goody kicked and fought the grasp until she was in her room with the door kicked shut.
“You foul for that junk you just did,” Kayson told her with a smirk on his face. “Why you doing that man like that?”
“Because he’s always bringing girls here like he pays rent.”
“You don’t pay none either, so why you blocking?” Kayson’s eyes narrowed at her, waiting for an answer.
Goody sucked her teeth and looked away from fine ass Kayson. He was her brother’s best friend and another one of the main niggas on the “get it” list floating around her high school. His tall, slim body was clad casually in gym shorts and a tank top with the long, silver chain he always wore dangling against the light reddish skin of his chest.
Pink lips that had probably been on one too many of her friends were moistened by a quick slither of his tongue before he stepped closer to her, then pushed the strap of her backpack from her shoulder and caught it.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Goody stepped back and walked over to her bed then plopped down. “Why you think something is wrong with me?” She kicked her shoes off and watched them fall to the floor before noticing the obvious and speaking on it. “And, nigga, what you doing in my room?”
Kayson’s smile appeared while he lowered himself to the floor in front of her bed and propped his arms on the tops of his knees.
“Siah told me to come in here.” He hit the bottom of her foot. “But, tell me what’s good with you, though. You look like you been crying.”
The things Yummy had told her moments prior resurfaced, and against her will, her eyes watered again. She looked away with the speed of lightning, but not fast enough for Kayson to miss. His hand squeezed the ball of her foot, rubbing and massing it until she felt like talking again. He didn’t press her for any answers right away, nor did he take advantage of her vulnerability and crowd her space. Kayson. Fine ass, cool ass, understanding, Kayson… was there… just there.
As Yummy’s had done, his compassion rendered in her direction set off the waterworks. She ended up crying for way longer than she’d wanted to before she was able to make eye contact again. Somewhat embarrassed by then because she was sure she looked like a wet faced fool.
“What happened? That boy you like hurt your feelings?”
Goody frowned and ran her hand through her long hair, shoveling it messily behind her ear. “What boy I like? I don’t even like nobody.”
“Yes, you do. That boy who be over all the time with the cracked-up voice and acne all over his face.”
Goody smiled and kicked her foot at Kayson. “Don’t say that. He does not have acne everywhere,” she lied because Kayson hadn’t fabricated one thing that he’d said.
Mark definitely had acne and a voice that obviously hadn’t had the best time with puberty, but he was funny, popular, and could play basketball almost better than anyone in their school. Plus, he walked her to class, held all her secrets, and was one of the best friends she’d ever had in life.
“Shitting me. That nigga needs Iyanla to come fix his life. He’s fucked up for real.”
Goody was laughing again. This time, she leaned forward enough to swing her hand at him. When he caught it and pulled her down onto the floor with him, she went slowly and somewhat nervously, but she was there, nonetheless. Next to him with their thighs touching, Kayson wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her to him so that her head could rest on him.
“Don’t worry about that nigga. You needed somebody cuter than him anyway. You look way better than that fool.”
A smile rose on Goody’s face before she covered it with her hand and hid her face in the side of his chest.
“Plus, you ain’t gon’ like him no more after I beat his ass tomorrow.”
“No! Don’t beat him up.” Goody sat up, bringing herself uncomfortably close to his face.
The little imaginary angel that was speaking way too quietly in her ear told her to sit back, but the devil that hopped up and down on her shoulder with the bullhorn dangerously close to her, yelled for her to go for it. Goody’s eyes went to Kayson’s lips and stayed there until her hand had come up to join the party. With it resting on the side of his face, she pulled his head to her slowly.
He allowed it for a few seconds before grabbing her hand and stopping her. “I can’t kiss you, Goody. You my li’l homie. Like a sister.” He stared at her, clearly battling with himself.
Not sure what to say, and a bit dejected from being turned down twice in one day, Goody nodded with a faint smile and sat back. Their hands dropped from each other as they resumed their uncomfortable seating on the floor. Silence encompassed and swallowed them whole. Neither of them made another move until Kayson stood from the floor and slipped his feet into the Nike flip flops next to her thigh.
Without another word, he left the room. Goody’s head fell directly into her hands. Her day had come straight from hell. First, she’d been ridiculed behind her back, only to turn around and humiliate herself further. What had she been thinking? If she could blink and end her day, she would, or so she thought.
“Aye, Goody, come here.” Kayson was back in her room and standing with his back pressed against the back of her door.
Uncertainty covered Goody as she stood to her feet and took his outstretched hand. As soon as she was in his presence, he grabbed her small waist and pulled her to him. Since Kayson was much taller, she had to look up to make eye contact, but it was worth it. He was eyeing her in such a hungry manner; nothing like he’d ever done before.
“I don’t want to do this with you because you’re my best friend’s little sister.” He grabbed some of her hair and played with it. “But, you’re also a woman, a sexy one, and I just can’t really ignore that part.” He chuckled, and she blushed. “If I kiss you, is that all you want?”
Goody looked off, trying to think of a way to tell him that wasn’t all she wanted while still dodging any further questions after that.
“Goody?”
They made eye contact again, this time she shook her head from side to side. Kayson was smart and getting more sex than she was, so surely, he’d know what t
o do next.
“You can’t tell Messiah.”
“But, isn’t he going to know? I mean, we are in the same house right now.”
Kayson shook his head. “Nah, they still smashing, I just checked.”
Goody was on the verge of encompassing herself in another bubble of fear when Kayson grabbed the bottom of her face and kissed her. Damn, he kissed good. His touches were nothing like Mark’s. His had always been sketchy and unsure. Kayson’s was anything but. He was groping and kissing her so well, and all at the same time. When he finally pulled away, she was breathless and hot for more.
“You ever had sex before?”
Goody nodded. She’d done it once in the past, although it hadn’t been long or deep enough to do much of anything. She wouldn’t scare Kayson away with that, though.
“Cool, come on.” Kayson locked the door to her room and led her to her bed.
He took a seat on the side and went straight for the button on her shorts. Goody’s body shook with anticipation as he freed her of her denim bottoms, cotton top, and silk bra. Her long hair covered her young, perky breasts as his strong hands gripped her half-exposed butt. The boy shorts she’d worn to school that day had been a spur of the moment decision while getting dressed, but she was immensely satisfied with it.
Even with her having had sex before, it hadn’t been anything like what Kayson was doing. His lips and tongue had small spots of moisture all over her heating skin as she stood there, gripping his shoulders. When she felt him rolling her panties down, she wanted to stop him so badly because then she’d be completely naked, but at that point, what difference would it really make?
