Afraid to Dream

by Tianna Xander

  Somehow, cutting myself off from him made him suffer. It wasn't something I was proud of, but still, he had it coming. The arrogant jerk. "I don't want to do this to you, but you leave me no other choice. As a guide, I know I can love anyone, marry or mate with anyone. I know you can't say the same. I will never be yours as long as you keep me from my father."

  "You don't even know that the man is your father. If you knew, it would be different."

  "I do know, Darius. I've always been different. I know the man on the other side is my father. I can feel it in my gut."

  He moved to sit beside me, his hand resting on my thigh.

  Gooseflesh rose on my skin. I knew I couldn't keep my body from responding to him, but still, the traitorous way it reacted to the warmth of his hand was a shock.

  "It really means so much to you?" He didn't look me in the eyes. Instead, he just sat there and stared down at his hand resting on my leg.

  "Yes. It does." I rolled away from him and got beneath the covers. "I know it's him and I refuse to agree to any type of relationship with a man who would keep me from him."

  Darius sighed and laid down on his side, his head propped on his hand, facing me. "I will escort you there, if it means so much to you, courimeo." He lifted my hand and kissed my palm. Currents of desire shot up my arm, zinging through my bloodstream to pool deep in my middle. "I will take you if this means so much to you. But you must agree to do as I say. We will do this my way or not at all."

  I nodded my agreement. "I'll do what you say."

  "Good." He sat up and faced away from me. "First you will get some rest. You're exhausted."

  "But--"

  "No buts. It will take me at least two days to prepare. We will not go if I do not feel I can protect you sufficiently. I will not take the chance that this is a trap."

  I heaved a sigh, closed my eyes and nodded. "Okay. But you have to agree to gather your people as quickly as you can."

  "Agreed." He stood then leaned down to press a kiss to my forehead. "Please, do not continue to turn away from our bond." He rubbed the center of his chest almost absently.

  I wondered if what I'd done hurt him, surprised that I really cared.

  "I didn't think what such a decision would mean to you. I had no intention of causing you pain, Lily. If you could realize how many centuries I have waited for such a bond I think perhaps you would not be so quick to condemn me. It pains me that you can sever our tie so quickly, without thought."

  "I'll give it more thought. I do feel a connection to you." I opened my mind and heart to his once again. I would give him his connection at least while I considered the situation.

  The strain eased on his face almost immediately. Reaching down, he pushed the hair back from my forehead. "Rest now, courimeo. We will see this man soon enough."

  Chapter Ten

  The house was empty when I woke. The strange glowing light that surrounded it, told me that Darius had put some sort of protective barrier on it--to keep me safe while he was gone, no doubt. I tried to open the door and walk outside, but the air grew thick and an impenetrable wall kept me inside. Frowning, I tried not to let my emotions get the best of me. He did this for my protection, not to keep me here against my will. I was sleeping when he left after all.

  Six days had passed while he attempted to gather his friends together to protect me on the other side when we went looking for my dad. So much for the two he'd made me agree to. He'd left early this morning with the hope that he'd finally gathered enough men to guarantee my safety. I didn't complain because I knew he did what he did because he cared about me.

  Thank you for not condemning me, courimeo.

  I smiled, wrapping my arms around my middle. I loved it when he called me that. It made me feel special somehow.

  You are special. You are my mate. He kept me busy, his mind brushing mine until he strode through the kitchen door.

  I paused in the middle of chewing the bite of peanut butter and jelly sandwich and gaped. His hair was gone. Someone had cut it short, just the way I like it. I smiled, barely believing my good fortune. His height and good looks never failed to amaze me and it was hard to believe he was all mine.

  "I can see you aren't ready." His hot gaze burned a trail over my bare feet and thighs as I stood in his kitchen in nothing more than one of his shirts.

  I felt my face go red. "I'm sorry. I just felt…" Closer to him somehow. Wearing his shirt surrounded me in his scent and made me feel more comfortable. I had no idea why.

  "I love seeing you in my shirts." He smiled down at me and placed a kiss on the tip of my nose. "I just don't want the others seeing you like this." Taking me by the shoulders, he turned me and pushed me toward the door. "Go get dressed before they arrive. I do not wish for them to get such a good look at your beautiful legs."

  "Others?"

  "Yes. I hope you didn't think we would travel alone." He wrapped his arm around me and started toward the door to the hall. "I cannot guarantee your safety in another realm without others to watch our backs."

  The unmistakable sound of footfalls on the steps to the porch and the disappearance of the golden glow outside the window next to me had me rushing from the room and up the stairs to get dressed. He was really taking me to see my father!

  When I reentered the kitchen twenty minutes later, ten men sat around the table with Darius. I stopped, my heart in my throat as I noticed Matt sitting among them. My throat felt tight as I fought the urge to ask what he was doing here. Instead, I walked back to my half-eaten sandwich, picked it up and took another bite. Darius would tell me. I don't know how I knew that. I just did.

  Darius stood and crossed the room to stand at my side. "This is my mate, Lily. I ask that you all show her the same respect and courtesy you would me." He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me tight against his side. "Lily, I would like you to meet everyone."

  He pointed to a man who looked even taller than he was. Everything about him seemed dark, his hair, his clothes, even his eyes looked black. The way he dressed somehow matched the olive complexion of his skin.

  "May I introduce you to Maximillian. He is the leader of the Cartuotey. You know Matt, of course."

  Matt sat next to Maximillian, his expression grim as he stared stoically at the two of us.

  "Clockwise from Matt, there is Xavier, Julian, Devan, Nathaniel, Galen, Kieran, Myles and Diego."

  I was only just able to keep myself from staring. Every one of the men he'd just introduced me to could have been a male model or stripper. They were all so handsome it was hard to believe so many could be in the same place. Their hair color ranged from black to red to golden blond. Every one of them stood out in his own way, whether it was from Diego's dark Latin good looks to Kieran's Hollywood golden boy appearance.

  "Nice to meet you." I nodded at them each in turn. "I don't understand. I thought… I thought you were going to take me with you." Turning an accusing gaze on Darius, I glared at him, waiting for the excuse he would give as to why I couldn't go.

  "I will not take you to the other side unprotected, courimeo."

  "You--you're still taking me?"

  "Of course. I promised you, did I not?"

  I just smiled at him. I couldn't believe he was keeping his word. Half expecting him to tell me I couldn't go, I had been ready to kick him just to make myself feel better. "Well, then, let's go."

  Matt opened the portal that would lead us to the man I believed was my father. Two of the men stepped through to scout the area before Darius led me through. The air on the other side was hot and smelled horrible, like a sewer. I wrinkled my nose. This place may look like a paradise with its beautiful blue skies and lush foliage, but it felt like hell and stank of outhouses, brackish water and dirty socks.

  Sweat beaded on my brow and rivulets ran down between my breasts, making me itch. We'd only been here a few minutes and my clothes already clung to me. The humidity was so thick, the air felt heavy and it was hard to breathe. I wonde
red if a person could drown just by breathing the air. Shaking the ridiculous thought off, I followed between the men as Darius instructed those who led us to a medium-sized hill some distance away. Others followed while Darius stayed by my side. He hadn't been kidding when he said he would protect me at all times.

  The blue-green grass made our steps silent as we ascended the hillside. Fragrant flowers dotted the stony path mixing with the stagnant-smelling air. How anyone could willingly live here, in this place, when my version of Earth was an option, was beyond me.

  Looking around at the creeping vines and short vegetation, I hoped I didn't need to pee before this was all over. There were no bushes or trees to hide behind. I also had the feeling that Darius would be there, insisting to stay by my side, even as I tended my most personal needs.

  It is nothing to be ashamed of, mate. It is a natural bodily function for your kind.

  I fought the urge to snort. That's easy for you to say. My face twisted in a frown. You don't have such embarrassing urges. Your bodily functions consist of feeding and sleeping.

  And sex. Let's not forget that. He smiled at my look of consternation. You would not need worry about such things either, if you would but consent to bind with me. It is a simple matter. You would enjoy it. I can promise you that.

  Ha! Since I wasn't sure what all that entailed other than my becoming like him, I left my comments at that. I stumbled over my own feet after a few more steps. The heat was really taking its toll on Matt and me. The others didn't seem to notice it.

  Darius merely sighed, wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer. "We shall be there soon." His warning came just before we topped the hill. In the valley below stood a small shack and a field filled with what looked like vegetables. Someone stood working in the middle of a patch of something that resembled tomatoes.

  We started down the makeshift steps carved into the rocky incline. The man in the field dropped his hoe and headed toward us. Darius's arm wrapped tighter about me as the man drew closer and my legs went weak. "Daddy," I whispered, before he reached us. Unchecked emotions flew through me at the sight of him approaching. Anger at him for leaving, a need to be held in his arms like a child, remorse that we'd missed so many years together while I grew up, and, of course, my sense of confusion. How could he still look the same after all these years?

  "Back so soon?" He pulled his straw hat off and wiped the sweat from his brow with a dirty brown sleeve. "That's a long trip up and down the hill in only six hours. You must be exhausted and thirsty. Come." He turned, gesturing toward the shack. "I will give you aid and quench your thirst before you move on."

  I gaped at him. Just as I remembered him, he hadn't changed a bit. He could be my older brother, not my dad. His dark brown hair looked the same as it did the last time I saw him. A smidgen of gray peppered the dark strands--something I didn't remember--but his face was the same. He didn't look as though he'd aged a bit. If he noticed my mouth hanging open, as though I attempted to catch flies, he didn't comment on it.

  "Six hours?" Darius looked from Daddy to the others.

  Daddy's head bobbed up and down. "Yes, of course. You didn't expect it took so long, did you?"

  Darius didn't comment. He just gave me a sidelong glance, his arm tightening around my shoulders. "Is this the man you hoped to find?"

  Daddy turned his gaze to me. He really looked at me, obviously noticing me for the first time since I arrived. My mind reeled for various reasons. This man was my father and Darius had left him here six days ago. Six days had passed in my dimension and only six hours had passed here? I did some quick, probably inaccurate math and figured that in the fifteen years I'd spent alone, my father had been here less than a year. Now it was his turn to stare as I stood glaring at him with eyes that looked just like his sapphire blue ones.

  He opened his mouth but nothing came out. Reaching up, he wiped his brow on his dirty sleeve again and looked at me through tear-filled eyes. "Your name wouldn't happen to be--" He stopped before saying my name, shook his head and said, "Ridiculous notion, Trent. She's only twelve." Still, he looked at me and tried again. "Your name wouldn't happen to be Lily?"

  We both said my name at the same time and tears streaked down his cheeks.

  "How? How can you be her? She's only twelve… She was twelve last month." He paced in front of us. "I've not been here a year. They said--they said I need only help them for three years…" His voice trailed off yet again as he tried to come to grips with what happened. "My God! Three years here would seem an eternity at home!"

  "Approximately seventy-two years."

  I turned my head to look at Darius, my mouth slack. How did he figure that out so fast? My mind was still reeling from my first equation and the fact that Daddy hadn't meant to leave me alone for so long. Three years was bad, but not nearly as bad as fifteen.

  I fought the urge to run to him and let him draw me into the comfort of his arms. Besides, Darius still held me as though he didn't trust him.

  Of course I do not trust him, courimeo. He stared at my father through narrowed eyes. This man is not completely human. He may only have taken on your father's persona.

  Or living here could have changed him. "Why did you leave?" The question came out little more than a croak. My throat was tight. I wanted to know his answer, yet was still afraid to hear it. "I have a right to know. Mother has a right to know."

  Good lord! That whiney needy sounding voice did not just come from me. It couldn't have. I was strong. A fighter--just like Cassie and her brothers had taught me to be. I was no whining, needy little girl. Not anymore.

  You will always feel like a child around him. Even if he is not your father, he still looks like him.

  I stared at the man standing before me and wondered how he could still look the same as he had so many years ago. How could this man possibly be my dad? Yet, as I stood and stared into his tear-filled blue eyes that looked so much like my own, I found it difficult to believe he wasn't my father.

  "I left to protect you. They told me they would take you if I didn't help them."

  "Take me where?" I looked around myself and wondered if the people my dad referred to meant this horrible place. "What did they want with me? I was just a child."

  Agitated, he paced in front of me, his hands clenched into tight fists. "You're a guide, of course. You must know that by now." He turned a bit red and looked from me to Darius. A muscle danced in his cheek. "Surely you know by now that you must…release your energies on a regular basis."

  I inclined my head in agreement. I so was not going there with him. "I do."

  "Then you must know a guide is very powerful the first time they…have sex or after a long abstinence."

  I felt my eyes go round when I finally grasped his meaning. "You can't mean they would--"

  "Of course they would," he interrupted. "They have no sense of right and wrong. No conscience. They are what we would call demons, only they live. They have flesh and blood and can be killed. They feel no remorse. They feel only glee when they cause others great pain." He spat in the dirt at his feet, giving no illusion to his feelings. "The more pain they cause, the better, in their way of thinking. What's rape when it gives them so much power, so much energy and pleasure?"

  I closed my eyes, fighting off the need to empty my stomach of the sandwich I'd eaten before coming across to this world. My gaze darted over the field then from one man to the other as I realized the implications. My father came here to this place to protect me the only way he knew how. In doing so, he'd protected me from an under-aged assault. "But what of others like me?"

  Darius drew me to his side. His arm snaked around under mine, giving support when I would have fallen. A wonderful breeze surrounded me and his body next to mine felt cool, instead of warm. I fought to retain my wits as my mind attempted to wrap itself around the things Daddy told me.

  Do not distress yourself. I know the beings he speaks of. They will not assault a child regardless of the power
s stored within. Their victim must be mature. If they steal the powers of a child, they get childish power. Procuring energy from an adult is the only way for them to get what they want.

  I sighed with relief. It wasn't my younger self I'd worried about. It was every other child in the world. I couldn't bear to think that Daddy had bought my freedom only to allow the physical attack of other children in my stead.

  Darius pulled me into his embrace and I resisted the urge to press my nose against his chest. He was so cool and this place was hot, like Hell. I wondered if people got their ideas of Hell from this godforsaken place.

  "I'm glad you've found someone who will keep the incubi away from you."

  Looking up, I noticed Daddy gazed at me with such a fierce and pained expression. He knew we were lovers. It was written on his face. My cheeks burned with mortification. Never mind that he'd all but told me to keep a lover at any cost.

  "It's okay, Peanut." He gave me a tremulous smile. "You've only done what you must to keep yourself safe. After all, I wasn't there to--" His voice broke then, along with my heart. "God, I should have been there to protect you. I can only imagine what your mother did--how she treated you after I left."

  A lump formed in my throat. I thought about what he must feel. How he must feel--the guilt, the anger at himself. Tears ran down his face. He buried his head in his hands and broke down in front of me.

  I couldn't stand to see him like that. He was harder on himself about leaving, than I ever could be. Shaking off Darius's arm, I closed the distance between Daddy and me before Darius could stop me. I smelled the familiar scent of his cologne as Daddy's arms wrapped around me and I cried. We both did. We'd already lost too much time between us. As much as I wanted to hate him for leaving, I refused to let another moment pass before our healing began. It was up to me to forgive him for leaving and him to forgive himself for losing the time we lost. There were still many long years to love each other and nothing would come between us again.